The End

Guys, I'm sorry to have to do this, but I'm done writing my blog.

Since I've started writing about the situation with Alejandro, I've gotten at least 300 negative comments...probably more. It's getting to the point where I'm actually afraid to open any of the anonymous comments in my e-mail. I suffer from panic attacks, and my chest gets really tight when I see a new comment come in. I simply can't continue this way.

I opened this blog because my life was almost soap opera crazy. YES, it's true that I brought the drama upon myself and that technically, I could've stopped it at any time. However, the judgemental comments are obviously not coming from people who have gone through my situation...if those people had experienced it, they'd realize how quickly lines become blurred and how easy it is to go from friends to lovers. To paraphrase Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice, you're usually in the middle before you realize you ever began. Anyway, I don't want to leave you guys without any sense of closure, so here's the rest of the story.

Yes, I fell in love with Alejandro. I was happy he found happiness with Summer, but they only lasted until January. The second week of January (2009), they went through a mutual breakup. Aresumed their relationship (which was still absolutely condoned by Brandon) and things continued from there. In March, Brandon and I went to a show for Alejandro's local band. That was where I finally admitted to myself that I loved Alejandro. However, I hid it from Alejandro and Brandon until early June. At the end of May, I was with Alejandro and told him that if I was single, I'd date him. He took what I said to heart and told me at work the next day that he wanted us to be together.

While all this was happening, Brandon and I got into a fight with our landlord over some damage he claims we caused to the front porch. The damage was in fact caused by them (he and his son built the house) laying a cement porch on dirt, and the dirt settling. Because of this, we had to move back into my parents' house because it was impossible for us to find a place that allowed us to keep our two dogs. By this point, we had opened our home and hearts to a sweet white mini schnauzer we called Fry.

Three days after moving back in with my parents, we left on a long-awaited trip to Savannah. We'd been planning it for a very long time. It was a week-long vacation, and I didn't see Alejandro between his admission of feelings for me and us leaving. When we returned from our amazing trip, Brandon and I were on the very first steps of rebuilding what was ruined. This upset Alejandro, who felt I'd used him to make Brandon jealous. His theory was that I made Brandon jealous over it to prove to myself that Brandon still loved me. Of course, he was incorrect. Two weeks after Brandon and I returned, we quit the call center. The job had become unbearable. Three days later, I started working at my current job. Brandon picked up more hours at the adult store. While living with my parents, we paid them rent and started paying off debts we'd acquired. Our plans were to handle our debt and then buy a house. When we moved back with my parents, I decided that it would be a bad idea to continue my relationship with Alejandro. My parents knew nothing about it and I didn't want them to find out. I have a very open relationship with my parents, but this was something I was keeping to myself.

When I started my new job, I was no longer working with Alejandro. It did not stop us from talking to one another, but he was still angry with me. I went to his house in early July to explain what had truly happened on our vacation, and why we were so much closer when we returned from Savannah. Alejandro understood and was not angry anymore, but he had realized the depth of my feelings for him and was intent on getting me to admit it. After a few hours of dancing around it and agonizing, I admitted to him that I was in love with him. While this was going on, Brandon was at home waiting for me. He texted me at 2:30 AM and asked when I'd be coming home, and then again 15 minutes later. That text said "If it makes any difference, I love you." When I read that, I broke down. It was the most agonizing feeling I'd ever experienced. Alejandro begged me to stay as I sat in his bedroom and cried. He told me he loved me and wanted to be with me worse than he'd ever wanted to be with anyone. It caused both of us a lot of pain and was the hardest decision I've ever made, but I left that night. I told him I had to go to my husband, and that Brandon deserved better than I was giving him.

When I got home that night, Brandon was waiting for me. He had also realized that I loved Alejandro, and cried as he asked me if I was going to stay with him. He was angry and upset and heartbroken. I assured him I wasn't leaving, but it wasn't enough. Our marriage was already badly damaged. I went to Alejandro's a few days later to tell him that I wasn't leaving my husband. I felt that he had to hear it in person. When I told him, he told me that we could no longer be friends. The emotional pain that caused was actually so strong that I was physically hurt from it. It made me ache. I cried for 5 hours, and Brandon blamed himself the entire time. However, it was not entirely his fault, as you could see from my posts. Obviously, I knew what was going on and never tried to stop it. I was caught up in a maelstrom of emotions I barely understood.

August rolled around, and I cut Alejandro out of my life entirely. Brandon and I started looking for a home and decided to try to start a family. I went off my birth control, but we didn't actually actively try. We were more of the "wait and see" type when it came to it. If it happened, it happened...if it didn't, it didn't. Our marriage got better, in part because we were no longer working together. We slowly built up our credit and searched for the perfect home. We were looking for a fixer-upper that would be big enough for the children we wanted. The drama that ensued during this time was mostly work-related, and Emily and Mitch related. They broke up, made up, broke up again, made up again, beat each other up more than once, and generally fell apart. Things were a terrible mess. I was working 7 days a week while my office was shorthanded, and it was beginning to make me irritable and a bit crazy. I was headed for a complete breakdown.

We had a wonderful Christmas, but things fell apart again after that. I learned from a friend of mine that Alejandro was planning on moving to California. I knew I couldn't let him leave without apologizing for my part in the entire mess, so I got permission from Brandon to send him a Facebook message saying I was sorry. I did that, and he responded reassuring me that he held no ill will and wanted to see me. I no longer had any feelings for him (so I thought), and so Brandon said we could see one another as friends.

January 24th came, and I had a very eventful day. Earlier that evening, Brandon and I went to see Avatar. Mark (my friend who came to visit me all the time at Subway) was at the theater! He'd worked there when we first met, about 7 years ago, so I wasn't too shocked to see him. We traded cell numbers, and he got Brandon and I into the movie for free. When the movie was over (it was AWESOME!), I dropped Brandon off at home and went to see Alejandro. 10 minutes after I'd left the house, Brandon called me. When I picked up, he said "I want you to come home." My response was "Really?", and I hit my turn signal to turn around. He said no and said he was just calling to tell me that there was a storm coming and he wanted me to be careful. I still wish I had turned around when he said that.

I got to Alejandro's and his friend was there. The three of us hung out for a while, and then his friend left. It was quite obvious, once I was sitting with him, that my feelings hadn't gone away and neither had his. I was determined to keep things friendly, though, and we just continued to talk. But we all know the saying about the best laid plans of mice and men...one thing led to another, and I cheated on Brandon. When it was over, I told Alejandro that I never wanted the situation spoken of again, and that I never wanted to see him again either.

I went home that night feeling worse than I ever had before. The next day, Brandon had to work a 10 AM to 6 PM at the adult store. I woke up after he'd left, feeling like the worst person in the world. I told a friend what I'd done, sobbing the entire time. When I realized I had to tell Brandon what had happened, I asked my friend how I should go about it. He advised me to do it in person, but I simply couldn't bring myself to. I knew it was cowardly, but I wrote a note to Brandon and then called off work and went to Tiff's house. (By this point, Tiff had served Jake with divorce papers and was living with her new boyfriend, who was a MUCH nicer guy than Jake.) I admitted to Tiff what I'd done, and she was the first person to tell me that I was a dumbass. The other friends I'd told (only two very close friends) told me that I was a smart person who'd done a stupid thing.

Tiff let me lay on her lounge all day and sob and generally feel sorry for myself. I had turned off my cell phone and refused to take calls from any of my family or from Brandon. When Brandon realized that something seriously terrible had happened, he called his coworker in early and went home to read the note. I honestly believed he wouldn't show up, but he got to Tiff's house and we went into her bedroom to talk. That's where he lost it and told me he wanted a divorce. However, my infidelity had made me realize how much was wrong in our marriage and how messed up I truly was. I knew I didn't want to lose him. I begged Brandon to give me the chance to change, and he agreed to stay as long as we went into counseling. I had never been happier.

Two weeks later, we started marriage counseling, and we went for four tumultuous months. During this time, we were still off birth control and searching for our perfect home. We finally found a home and moved into it on April 1st. As a symbol of our new (much stronger) relationship, we got rid of our old wedding bands and bought beautiful new ones. The more we went to therapy, the better things got between us. Finding the house really pulled our marriage back together. We were forced to move sooner than we'd expected, though, because my mom's evil neighbor called the township on her. Apparently, my mom's township has a law that you can't own more than four pets. My mom had 6 mini schnauzers, not to mention my 3. (While we lived with my parents, Brandon and I adopted a beautiful husky/lab puppy we named Rory.) Even though we moved, she was still over the limit. Despite the fact that the law was rarely enforced, the township was determined to make my mom drop down to four. Her dogs were well-cared for and never bothered anyone, but her neighbor was just an evil person who didn't care.

We took her beautiful Cookee to live with a friend in Syracuse on April 18th. He was severely depressed after losing his mini schnauzer, Duchess, and Cookee made him so much happier. It was very difficult on my mom and I to go through, but Dan's happiness made us feel better about it. At midnight on April 30th, Brandon and I left for Savannah with my mom's sweet Bender. He was going to Jacksonville to live with another friend of ours. We took turns driving so the other could sleep and met up with his mom when we got there. We hadn't told her we were coming, so it was a nice surprise. We got Bender to our friend and then returned to PA on May 2nd. While we were in Savannah, Brandon's mom told us that we should wait to have children. By this point, we'd both enrolled in a local community college for the fall and had decided to go back on the pill. However, we were completely unaware that I was already 8 weeks pregnant.

On May 5th, I woke up with terrible cramps. Despite 4 Midol and a heating pad, they didn't get better. I ended up vomiting and Brandon rushed me to the hospital. After hours of tests, some really awesome pain meds, and an ultrasound, we learned that I had been pregnant but that I'd suffered a miscarriage. Despite not knowing about the pregnancy, we were both heartbroken. Both sets of parents were upset as well. They'd wanted us to wait, but were looking forward to having grandchildren.

In early June, Lager was hit by a car. You guys already know all about that, so I won't cover it again here. Brandon and I have been doing better and better, and Lager's accident forced him to admit that he loved Lager and didn't want anything bad to happen to him. It was a wonderful moment. Around this time, work started losing people again. I've been working insane hours and trying my hardest to keep up.

On Wednesday, Brandon and I celebrated our second wedding anniversary. We've rebounded from my infidelity and are stronger than ever. We live happily with our three dogs, no children (yet), and we are both going back to school in the fall. He is going to become a paramedic, and I'm going to study dental hygiene.

There is a lot of drama that happened to my friends and family, which I will not cover here. This was simply to give you closure over what happened. For those who wanted to know if Brandon and I were still together, this is your answer.

Thank you all so much for your support. The positive comments really kept me going when I felt down about myself, and I'll always have a special place in my heart for my frequent readers. If anyone wants to read some of my fiction writing, I'm on www.fictionpress.com under the name Rinoa H.

This was a crazy, angry, fun, insane ride and I was really happy to have you guys follow while it lasted. Thank you so much.

<3
J