J's Life

Smaller Updates

2012-01-28T22:22:00.002-05:00

Some mini updates I left out of yesterday's post...several of these things will be expounded upon in future postings!

Brandon's grandmother is still with us, thank goodness...though she has suffered another stroke and a mini heart attack. She is in a rehab center and has to learn to talk again, but the family is caring for her beautifully. I hope we get to see her again soon.

Emily, my younger sister, did not grow up much...we've seen a little maturity out of her, but unfortunately, not enough. She is currently 5 months pregnant.

Brandon and I decided in April that we were stable enough to try for a child, because I was almost done with school and would be able to move onto a career right after maternity leave from my current job. Short version of the story is that we were unsuccessful so far.

My best friend in the entire world is getting married this October, and I'm really excited. He asked me to be his "best woman", a move that upset his college buddies a little bit. I don't think they liked being second (or third or fourth) to a girl.

Tiff and I have grown apart due to some changes she's made recently in her life. Her new husband and I simply do not get along and he's keeping her away from me.

Russ and I have become friends again, and it's a little bit awkward. There's so much in our past that we're not discussing, and I'm not sure if I should bring it up. Occasionally, once of us will say something that triggers those memories, and it's always weird.

I think that's all the interesting stuff for now! I will start to expound upon all of these things soon, with all the drama due to them! I also plan to start writing my story again, if I can find the time. I'm juggling school and work very well this semester, I'm pretty proud of myself. I think writing will bring me an outlet I desperately need...recovering from our recent losses leaves me quite drained.

Love you all!

Wow...long time, no see!!!

2012-01-27T15:56:00.001-05:00

Hi!

I realize it's been over a year since I last posted, but I still get comments occasionally asking how I'm doing, so I figured I'd return.

2011 was a CRAZY year! But let's start back at the end of 2010, the last time I saw you guys...

In November of 2010, I started a new job as a salesperson for a Verizon Wireless retailer. Brandon and I were finally financially secure, just in time for us to go visit his family for Thanksgiving. His grandmother had suffered another stroke and they were worried that it would be her last Thanksgiving. We had a lovely time and we got to see his wonderful family again! December brought us a little more hardship, though...Lager's bad leg (the one damaged when he was hit by a car) was becoming a bother to him and he was starting to mutilate the foot. I got home from work one night, two weeks before Christmas, and noticed that the foot was swollen with blood. We rushed him back to the emergency vet and they said they could save it, but I made the very difficult decision to amputate. He wasn't getting better and it was starting to get in his way. (A friend later told me it was the most mature decision she'd ever heard of.) On December 21st, he underwent the surgery and he came home to us on Christmas Eve. That Christmas found my family at my house, hanging out with a super doped up Lager! Fry and Rory were pretty understanding and took care of Lager in the best way they could.

We both aced our fall semesters at school, and 2011 brought us our second semester. This one was way harder for both of us, but we worked hard. At the time, both of us were working and going to school full time.

On February 16th, Brandon lost his job at the adult store. Sales were down and they needed a scapegoat, so they ignored 4 years of loyal service and let him go. Luckily, he was able to get unemployment until he found a new job working at a hotel in April. Around the same time he found the hotel job, I was offered a promotion to an assistant manager position at another store much closer to home than the one I was working in. I took it, obviously, and transferred. We finished out the spring semester with another strong showing in the GPA, but it wasn't enough for me. Brandon made the paramedic program, but I was denied acceptance to the dental hygiene program. I didn't let it get me down, though...I transferred to the science program and started studying microbiology instead.

The fall semester started, and Brandon had to leave the hotel job. He was taking a very important EMS class, and the hotel would not work with his school schedule. This time, he was denied unemployment because he quit, so we dropped to one income. However, we work on commission at the Verizon retailer, so I was making good enough money. We weren't rich, but we were getting by.

Then September came, and brought with it a shit storm...first, we took in a foster dog named Moose. He was a pit bull that had been abandoned on the streets of a local city. Hurricane Irene hit right before he came to us. A few days after he came to live with us, Tropical Storm Lee blazed through NEPA. Our apartment building was right on the river, and though it had never flooded (even during Agnes in '72!), the National Guard still saw fit to evacuate us. Thinking things would be fine and we'd be home in 72 hours, we left almost everything we owned in the house. Sitting at my parents' house, we watched the water continue to rise. When we awoke that Friday morning, the water was two feet deep in our apartment. The water receded quickly and we were allowed back in to clean up. There wasn't much to salvage...my senior yearbook, senior scrapbook, wedding album, and entire collection of novels were destroyed. The newspaper we saved with our wedding announcement in it was soaked...totes full of clothing were ruined, all the food in the kitchen, and everything else we had left. When all was said and done, we'd lost 90% of our belongings. Friends and family helped us clean up and sort through the rubble that our life had become, and we slowly began to move on.

A week after the flooding, disaster struck again. We were living with my parents temporarily, and their yard is fenced in. The dogs absolutely loved it. On September 22, we let them out to play. It was a beautiful night...warm and breezy and perfect. Brandon and I decided to play on the trampoline with Fry, Rory, and Moose while Lager watched from the ground. (His 3 legs make it hard for him to bounce now.) When we were done playing, we decided no one felt like cooking and we'd go to Sheetz to pick up dinner. Going inside, I looked down at the dogs and uttered words that haunt me to this day:

"It's a nice night, you guys can stay outside."

A hour later, we were home and had finished dinner. The dogs were still outside, and Brandon and I went upstairs. When my mom let them in 15 minutes later, Fry and Rory were not with them. Brandon and my dad went out looking for them while I watched TV and tried to do some schoolwork. 20 minutes later, Brandon came up and asked if I wouldn't mind helping them search. So I donned jeans and a hoodie, pulled on sneakers, and grabbed a flashlight. We scoured the woods behind the house, calling their names over and over again. My dad suggested we check the train tracks, so we made our way through the woods behind him. He got there first, and I heard him say "Tell J to go back up to the road."

Thinking my babies had been flushed out of the woods and had made their way back up toward the road, I rushed through brush and pricker bushes to make it back up there. I burst out of the vegetation to see an empty road under the eerie glare of streetlights, so I started walking away from the house toward the park, calling them. I called my mom to see if they'd come home, and she was crying and blaming herself. I told her not to blame herself, because my babies were wanderers and they did this all the time. I wish I'd known my dad had already called her. I was so angry at them for this.

When I got to the park, I called my husband. Dad picked up the phone. Our conversation was as follows:

Me: Did you guys find them?
Dad: Yes.
Me: Are they okay?
Dad: I'll let you talk to your husband.
Brandon: Hey, babe.
Me: You found them?

Brandon: (voice cracking) Yes.
Me: Are they okay?
Brandon: (crying now) No.
Me: What's wrong with my babies?
Brandon: You need to come home.
Me: Tell me.
Brandon: Just come home.

We disconnected and I sprinted the half mile home, my heart pounding in my chest. I was thinking of all the emergency vets close to my mom's house and how we would afford the care with Brandon unemployed. These thoughts took me through someone's backyard and into the street in front of my parents' house. I came out next to our car and asked my dad where my babies were. His response was "One of them is right there." He slowly moved to the side, his eyes on me.

As he moved, I saw Rory, lying dead on the sidewalk. I shook my head as Brandon walked up, crying. He had enough time to say "I'm sorry, baby." before a supernatural scream tore out of my chest. Over my scream, I could hear him say "They're both gone." I remember screaming "No" over and over again, bringing most of my parents' neighbors out of their homes to see what was wrong. One of them tried to hug me, but I pulled away and crumpled to the ground to cry alone. I reached out for Brandon, but he was standing next to my dad holding a box.

"We have to go get Fry." I nodded numbly, unsure of where I was or what was happening. When they left, I called my boss, still hysterically crying. I let my manager, assistant regional manager, and regional manager know that I would be out for a few days...then I reached out and took Rory's body into my arms. She was covered in dirt and bleeding from a few places, but I didn't care. I wanted to hold her. I cradled her as I made the necessary phone calls, informing my closest friends (all of whom loved them just as much as I did). Listening to them cry made it so much worse, somehow...I could hear my mom sobbing inside the house, and the sound was terribly painful.

Brandon and Dad returned with Fry in a box, but they refused to let me see him...I learned later that he'd been mutilated. Brandon said he'd never forget the sight. We buried them in the yard that night...Rory wrapped in blankets and my favorite school sweatshirt, and Fry in his makeshift coffin with Brandon's favorite Green Lantern t-shirt. We all took the next day off work, except my dad...but he spent the day crying too.

I withdrew from school for the fall semester, unable to bear the emotional torment we'd suffered. Brandon was forced to continue going, so he wouldn't lose his place in the medic program. We wandered through things in a daze for a long time, feeling like the world was spinning without us on it. (Sometimes, it still feels that way.) The outpouring of support was wonderful, but I wanted to die anyway. I missed Fry and Rory with an intensity I was not used to...it felt like the pain would shatter my heart.

The days turned to weeks, and things started to normalize. I still cried daily, but I was able to hold it together better. On October 6th, we made the decision to adopt Moose. He'd been such a comfort to me in the weeks following Fry and Rory's death, and I just couldn't let him go. We started to try to figure out where we would go from this point, and things got a bit hazy. The apartment was ruined and not being repaired. We'd saved up some money, but two large dogs (and one of them being a pit bull) made it incredibly difficult to find a new place.

At the end of October, my dad informed me that his flipper friend (he fixes up houses and resells them) had finished the house he was working on in a nearby town. Brandon and I went to see it and fell in love. However, he wasn't sure if he wanted to owner finance it, and we didn't have enough saved for closing costs.

On November 4th (my birthday!), my mom called me at work to tell me that Randy (not his real name) had called her and offered us the house. I called him, details were laid out, and a date was set to sign the paperwork. The agreement was that we'd put a certain amount down, he would owner finance for up to 7 years, and then we would get a loan for the rest of the amount. It was acceptable, and on November 28th, Brandon and I became the happy owners of a gorgeous new home.

A lot of other stuff has happened too...like our brief decision to try for a baby, Russ (my ex!) and I becoming friends again, and other stuff that is better covered later. I promise to go over it all, if anyone still cares...it's definitely dramatic, otherwise it wouldn't be my life.

Love you all,

Hello!

2010-10-09T13:38:00.003-04:00

Hi, everyone! Long time, no post!

Again, I'm sorry...it seems like I'm apologizing more lately than anything else, but that's the way it has to be. I haven't had a spare minute to finish the next chapter of the story...between psych exams, english essays, and anatomy labs/exams, I'm lucky if I remember to take a shower every night. The good news is that my grades are wonderful...I have a 4.0 in Psych, a 3.7 in English, and a 3.0 in Anatomy. I started a study group to bring that anatomy grade up, but it's a LOT of work.

My family is having serious issues right now. My younger sister is dating loser after loser and this latest one is a REAL loser. He's 29 with no job, no car, no degree...he lives with his parents and has a child he doesn't even have custody of. For some reason, my sister was crazy about him and swore they were going to be married. Of course, they broke up after a week...that was a month ago, and they got back together last week. Now they're broken up again, and she's having an absolute breakdown over this pathetic waste of skin. My mom had to leave work early today to keep my sister from doing something stupid, and all my sister did was tear into my mom. Now they're expecting me to censor myself when I talk to her, because telling her she needs to get counseling is apparently not okay. I commented that on her status on Facebook, and she flipped out on my mom and deleted the status. My husband had the nerve to ask if I could delete the comments, which upset me...my anger probably has to do with the fact that it's that time of the month and I'm super emotional, but I am REALLY angry that he asked me to censor myself. What I said was the truth and it needed to be said. Was I out of line, guys?

It's been a really bad week and my emotional mess isn't helping with this whole thing. I just want to lay around and cry, and I suddenly have an overwhelming urge to run away from my life. It scares me.

J

Sorry...

2010-09-21T22:36:00.003-04:00

Hey, guys! I had been getting your comments in my e-mail, which goes straight to my phone, and I realized you guys were starting to worry about me.

Let me start by saying I am so sorry for neglecting you guys for the past couple weeks. My anatomy and physiology class, which I absolutely have to get an A in, has been burying me under schoolwork. I'm enjoying it, since I love science, but I barely have a spare moment to breathe! Tonight, I have to write a rough draft for a 4 page essay, do a 2 page article review, and finish work on my A&P labs from the past three weeks. I have to say, I didn't miss being in college, but I'm reveling in it!

Chapter Six is coming along beautifully, but it's already on the third rewrite. My english teacher said she believes the story has real potential, which was great to hear. I'm only a page or so away from finishing it, so I promise to post it soon...sorry the chapters are coming so few and far between!

I also just started my new job...I'm working as a collector for a debt collection agency. It's not glamorous, but the bosses and supervisors are really nice...it's a step up from working at the environmental company. I actually got a call from one of the girls I used to work with at the environmental company last week. She had the audacity to ask me to come back to work there! I had already accepted the position at the collection company, so I bit back the urge to laugh and informed her that it would be impossible due to school and my new job. She reported that back to my old boss, and I heard he wasn't very happy about it. My new company is paying me quite well and I'm only working part time, so the money is sufficient and the hours aren't extensive. Plus, I actually get weekends off, instead of just one day a week.

Brandon and I are doing great...the whole cheating thing is still rearing its ugly head every once in a while, though. Today my friend Mark (the one I spent a lot of time with when I worked at Subway) called to see if I wanted to go to the fair with him next week...despite the fact that Brandon was invited and was going to be there, he still had a lot of jealousy and we had a discussion about the whole situation. I guess the healing process is slow, and I can't expect him to fully trust me again yet...I'm just happy we're still together.

Anyway, I am going to try to have Chapter Six up for the weekend, because I'm really looking forward to advancing this story...I hope you're all doing great, and I'm going to try to post more frequent updates!

J

Hi!

2010-09-04T15:33:00.002-04:00

So, did everyone read Chapter Five? If not, please do! I didn't get any comments on it, so I was a bit concerned you guys had missed it...it's underneath the previous update.

Anyway, since last week there really hasn't been anything going on. Work stress is gone, though I have interviewed at several places and am waiting to hear back. Because work stress is gone, so is most of the other stress in my life. Brandon and I are fighting a lot less, my house is cleaner, and I see my dogs more. This is absolutely great, but I can't wait to get back to work. I hate sitting around when I'm not in class, and there's only so much cleaning that can be done before I'm out of work to do. Same with homework...I only get so much of it!

School has been going very well, even if my A&P teacher is a frightening woman. Fencing is so much fun, but it hurts a lot when I wake up the next day! It's both awesome and scary to be back in school...I really never expected to return. I feel weird walking around on campus, like the fresh out of high school kids are judging me...I know they're not, and there are people in my class who are in their 40s-50s, but it's still an odd feeling.

We had to get Rory a shock collar. I hate it, but she had recently decided that everyone in the world wanted to be her friend, including the people walking/biking/jogging on the other side of the road. She'd pull her leash out of my hand and take off, narrowly avoiding vehicles each time. Since I was not into a repeat of Lager's accident (or even worse, a death) and traditional training methods were not going to work, we had to resort to the shock collar. It makes her yelp every time, which breaks my heart, but she's no longer attempting to reach people past two lanes of traffic. Lager is doing very well with additional physical therapy, and I have a set of dog shoes on order for him so he can wear one on his bad foot. Fry, their rarely talked about little brother, is also doing exceptionally well. He's a schnauzer, though, and his obsessive clinginess is a bit annoying when I'm trying to read A&P chapters or psychology modules. He literally gets between me and the book and blocks my view so I'll pay attention to him.

Chapter Six is coming along beautifully, even if I can only work on it between interviews and classes and homework. I hope to have it to you guys shortly!

There really isn't much else to say, so I'll end this now! I have to go pick Brandon up from work and then we're headed to the casino for S&Gs. Hopefully, we can win a few bucks!

Love you all!
<3
J

UPDATE

2010-08-29T19:25:00.002-04:00

So, this past week (well, these past few weeks) have been insane. I honestly don't even know where to begin, so I'll start with the obvious...the long awaited, highly anticipated CHAPTER FIVE has been published beneath this post! Please read it and forgive me for the long wait!

I'll continue this update where I usually start them...work. I quit my job at the environmental company. I know it seems crazy to quit a job in this type of economy, but my health and personal relationships were suffering. I had a three week long stress headache that didn't go away until the day after I quit...it hasn't returned since. My relationship with my husband is better, I've seen my family more in the past three days than I had in the past three months, and my house is finally clean. When it came down to it, it just wasn't worth the money to lose everything I loved in life. When my husband was ready to leave me because I was always in a bad mood and I came home crying from work all the time, it was time to make a change. Thankfully, I never stay out of work for long. I've already got two possible jobs lined up...Brandon's workplace is looking for someone, so his boss offered me that position part time, and a local restaurant is hiring for waitresses...I have an interview there on Tuesday at 2:30. I'll let you guys know how things play out! I realize it wasn't responsible to quit without another job lined up, but I couldn't handle it anymore...every day, my boss piled more work on me and started leaving earlier and earlier. I feel like I should've been pleased that he thought so highly of me, but I wasn't seeing it that way. Instead, I was seeing that I worked 55 hours a week for a jerk who was pawning his own work off on me so he could leave and get his hair cut. (I'm not joking.) Leaving was the healthiest choice I ever made, and we had a solid amount in the savings account. Thankfully, we haven't touched a cent of it...with these job opportunities, I'm hoping we don't have to.

Next bullet point in my update...school! I start classes tomorrow, Brandon starts on Tuesday...he doesn't have classes on Monday or Friday, because he's lucky. Anyway, I'm taking general psych, English comp, anatomy & physiology, a&p lab, and FENCING! I'm so excited for fencing. It's going to be awesome! I am still in the mode where it's a bit surreal to even be attending, since we'd resigned ourselves to waiting until next year so we could save the money. Thank goodness for his mom! <3

Lager is doing very well, for anyone concerned. He needs to go for his monthly acupuncture, not to mention another laser treatment. His leg is healing, but slowly. He's also dragging his foot a lot, which is causing sores on top. I tried wrapping it, but the bandage didn't stay for very long. Does anyone have any suggestions to keep him from injuring it? When the sores form, he chews on them...he's starting to lose fur on his foot from the problem.

Anyway, I've got to go get dinner ready...we're having stuffed porkchops tonight! Please don't hate me for how long Chapter Five took (I think my old job was wrecking my creative flow!) and bear with me while I get used to being a student all over again!

<3 Love you all!

Redesigning Life - Chapter Five (FINALLY!)

2010-08-29T19:23:00.001-04:00

Chapter Five

The rest of their workday flew by for Jerrod. He couldn't take his mind off Sierra, and it didn't help that she was still floating around the Liebermann's home making notes in her notebook. He was on autopilot as he and his crew laid down the carpet in the living room and moved onto the den. By the time six o'clock rolled around, both rooms had been finished and they'd gotten the dining room started.

“Hey, Jerrod...what time are we going to quit today?” Greg was standing in the middle of the stripped dining room, cracking his back. Jerrod looked at his watch and straightened up too.
“Now, I suppose.” He was so distracted, he hadn't even realized how late it was.
“Okay.” Greg motioned to the others, who were bagging up the pieces of old carpet. “Time to go, guys!”

It took them another half hour to finish cleaning up the dining room. They lugged the bags of old carpeting outside and tossed them in the back of the truck.
“Same time tomorrow, Jerrod?” Allen looked exhausted, and Jerrod felt a mild pang of guilt for keeping them there for 10 hours.
“Yup, 8 AM here.”
“Okay, see you then.” Everyone dispersed and climbed into their separate cars, except Greg. Jerrod watched as each car pulled away from the curb.
“Greg, where's your car?”
“I rode with Jake this morning.”
“Oh. Well, get in.” He motioned to the truck and the two of them climbed in. Jerrod pointed it back in the direction of the shop and sighed. “Today was a long day, wasn't it?”
“Yeah...yeah, it was. But we had a nice break meeting that interior designer.” Greg had mentioned her simply to see how Jerrod would react. He wasn't disappointed. Blood rose in his cheeks and his eyes darted to Greg's face. “What was her name again? I can't remember.” Greg knew he should stop, but he couldn't help himself. Jerrod swallowed hard before answering, and when he did his voice was far-away.

“Sierra. Her name was Sierra.” Jerrod was staring straight ahead now, willing himself to stop blushing. It wasn't working. He pulled into the parking lot of the carpet store and parked.
“Jerrod.” Greg was staring at his friend, his voice a gentle command. Jerrod turned and looked at him. “What's going on?”
“I don't know, Greg.”
“Do you know Sierra?”
“No...well, yes...I'm not sure.” Greg didn't press for details. Instead, he sat and watched Jerrod, waiting for him to continue. “I ran into her at the coffee shop.” He paused for a moment. “I mean literally ran into her...she was storming out and I was walking in. We collided.”
“Oh my god, dude...how does this kind of stuff happen to you?”
“I don't know. I didn't notice her when we crashed, because I was so annoyed. I just snapped at her and kept going. But she's seriously beautiful.”
“Well, I have to give you some advice, Jerrod...you've always covered my ass, and it's time for me to do the same for you. Don't go for it.” Jerrod was shocked. He hadn't expected Greg to say that.
“What?”
“I saw the look on her face when she saw you. She seriously doesn't like you.” Jerrod didn't know what to say in response, so he was relieved when he saw Kara pull up.
“Well, thanks for the advice, Greg...but it looks like your ride is here. I'm gonna head home now, I'm pretty beat.”

“Ok, man...I'll see you tomorrow.” Greg opened the door and shot a last look back at Jerrod before climbing into his girlfriend's car. Jerrod raised a hand and gave them a small wave, waiting for them to pull out of the parking lot before getting into his own car.

He drove home feeling awful. He was tired, sore, and depressed from the conversation he'd had with Greg.

Does she really hate me? I did snap at her pretty hard, but I was just in a bad mood. She couldn't have taken that as a first impression...I was a stranger to her. I'm an idiot for worrying about this anyway...she probably has a boyfriend. A girl that pretty just isn't single. I'm not that lucky. God, I need a cigarette.

Jerrod had quit smoking the month before, not long after his uncle's funeral. His uncle had died of lung cancer, the result of a two pack a day habit. He'd sat beside his mom as she mourned her only brother, his brain throwing up warning signals; when he arrived home, he promptly threw away every cigarette in his apartment. He'd been without nicotine since that fateful day, and it'd been hell.

Since the loss of Sarah, everything in his life seemed to be hell. He could hardly sleep, barely ate, drank way too much coffee, and did everything on autopilot. The only bright spot in his life was his constant companion, Rocky. That's who was waiting for him as he pulled into the parking lot and trudged up the stairs to his third-floor apartment, his Great Dane face unreadable as Jerrod apologized.
“Sorry I'm late, Rock...lost track of time.” He unpegged the leash by the door and laughed as Rocky perked up. “Wanna go the park?” Rocky's tail started wagging frantically. “I take that as a yes.” He hooked his leash to the loop on his collar and opened the apartment door, struggling to keep his feet as Rocky dragged him out. “Calm down, bud!” When they got outside the apartment building, Rocky settled into a more manageable pace and led Jerrod to the dog park down the block.

When they arrived, Jerrod let Rocky's leash go and watched him trot to his usual tree. He found a bench and sat down to wait for Rocky. His mind was replaying the earlier scene with Sierra, where he'd been too much of a wuss to say anything. He was so busy mentally kicking himself that he hardly noticed the black dog bounding toward Rocky. The two dogs began to play together without so much as a glance from Jerrod; that is, until the black dog's owner came running.
“Blue!” Sierra was hurrying in his direction, a purple leash dangling from her hand. “Blue, where are you?” Jerrod turned his attention to the black dog, whose ears had perked up at the sound of Sierra's voice.
“I think your dog is over there.” Jerrod pointed in that direction as he called to Sierra. He hardly got a glance from her as she rushed to her dog.

“There you are! Don't ever do that to Mommy again, you bad bad girl.” Blue was ignoring Sierra's admonishment and just stood next to Rocky, wagging her tail contently. “Aw, you found a friend.” Sierra turned her attention to Rocky. “Wow, you're a big dog...aren't you beautiful?” She looked around and spotted Jerrod and her expression changed. He walked over and clipped Rocky's leash on.
“So, that's your dog?”
“Yes, this is Blue.” Sierra, obviously flustered from seeing him, busied herself with Blue's leash.
“She's pretty.” So are you.

“Thank you...so is your dog. What's his name?”
“Rocky.”
“He's so awesome. I love big dogs. He's a Great Dane?”
“Yeah, I got him as a pup.”
“Blue's a German Shepherd mix...I picked her up at the shelter one day. She was the last of her litter.”
“I got Rocky from a breeder in New Hampshire. I was on a waiting list for 3 years, but it was worth it.”
“He is truly gorgeous.”
“Thank you.” Conversation halted there as Jerrod tried to think of something else to say. Sierra spoke first.
“Well, I should probably be going. Have a nice night.” Without waiting for a response, she turned and walked away with Blue trotting amiably by her side. Jerrod turned and walked in the opposite direction toward home, his mind racing.

Back at the apartment, he fed Rocky and waited as he ate. When Rocky was done, the two of them climbed into bed together. Jerrod was exhausted and couldn't wait to fall asleep. In sleep, he could stop thinking about a girl he barely knew in the first place.

WAY OVERDUE UPDATE

2010-08-19T23:42:00.001-04:00

Hi, everyone! I know you all probably think I'm insane (or are starting to worry about me), but I'm alive. I'm just working like crazy!

I've been working on Chapter Five in my spare time and hope to have it up tomorrow...thank goodness for my vacation days!

Unfortunately, Brandon's mom will not be visiting this weekend. She had job related training that was mandatory, so she can't make it. However, we're still taking the days and chilling at the house and with friends because I'm so close to being burnt out that I can taste smoke. But there is good news! When Brandon told his mom about us having to put school off until next year, she would hear none of it. She's paying our bill tomorrow, so we'll be attending the fall semester! Obviously, we're very excited.

Anyway, I'm posting this in a short lull at work, but things are pretty crazy here. Thank you guys for being so patient about this serious lack of posting!

J

Update!

2010-08-07T16:30:00.002-04:00

So, this past week has been the week from hell.

I already enlightened you about the crazy work hours, so I'll cover the other terrible things that happened.

Brandon and I were supposed to start school again on August 30th. We were both looking forward to it a whole lot...so when we were told we couldn't be in classes this fall, it was like a kick to the face. It's a very long story, but it all boils down to money. We can't get federal financial aid until we prove our grades will be sufficient, and so we'd have to pay for our first semester ourselves. For me, it would've been $1560...for Brandon, $1700. At this point, we're still determined to go, so we look into payment plans. The only one the school acknowledges is a 4 month plan...I would've ended up paying $390 a month. We couldn't even come close to affording that, much less that plus the $425 a month Brandon would've had to pay. We tried to get the business office to work with us, but they told us there was nothing they could do and they'd have to withdraw us from class. We tried private loans, but that didn't pan out either. Basically, it ended up being hopeless. We resigned ourselves to waiting until next year and started to save money.

Meanwhile, my old student loans have come up for repayment. I was very restless up to this point, never able to pinpoint what I wanted to do with myself. Because of this, I went through four majors and racked up quite a bit of student loan debt already...by quite a bit, I mean about $31K. The payments are astronomical and the whole situation is leaving me feeling like a failure. Basically, I've got $31K in student debt and no career to show for it. It's the kind of thing that leaves you quite depressed.

On the work front, I've been switched to a different shift. My boss wants me to start coming in during the day to help him with his billing. Of course, that warranted a raise, which is awesome. However, I now have to get up at 9 AM every day, which is not my thing. But the raise is nice, and I'll actually start getting weekends off! It's awesome.

Other than that, there really isn't much going on. Brandon's mom (and maybe his brother) will be here on the 20th and I'm really excited for that!

Chapter five of my story is way behind schedule because of work, but I'm going to work on it tonight.

How is everyone doing this week?

Redesigning Life - Chapter Four

2010-08-06T01:16:00.002-04:00

**So, just a quick update...life is good, despite the 60+ hour work week I've got going on. My boss really appreciates it and is nicer to me than anyone else in the office, but all the pretty words in the world don't mean a thing when I can hardly have a conversation with my husband...all the work hours make me irrationally aggravated and everything Brandon says makes me bristle. I know it isn't his fault, so I'm just not talking...I don't want to start a fight over nothing. I have to work a 10 hour shift tomorrow to help my boss with his billing, and then 8 hours on Saturday...Sunday is my day off, and it's no less busy than my days on. I've got so many friends who want to spend time with me, not to mention my family. I know I should feel blessed that I'm so loved, but instead I feel pulled apart. Four days off a month is NOT enough to have an active home life.

On a lighter note, Brandon's mom and brother are coming up to PA on the 20th! I'm so excited! Lager is doing much better, and his vet bills are totally paid off. We are slowly but surely paying down some debts, and our financial position is looking good.

There are some more depressing things to touch on, but I'll cover those in a nice long update on Sunday. For now, enjoy chapter four!!!!!! (Sorry it was such a long time coming!)**

Chapter Four

The next morning, Jerrod went to the store early. Unlocking the service entrance, he slid inside and located the rolls of carpet that had been dropped off. He ran his hand absentmindedly across the soft plush before hoisting the first roll onto his shoulder. His mind was preoccupied by what Greg had said the day before.

"Dude, it's been 6 months and you haven't been on a single date. No offense, but Sarah is gone."

When Greg had walked out of his office, Jerrod had shut the door and clicked the lock into place. Hidden from the view of his nosy coworkers, he'd taken the ring case from the drawer he kept it in and gazed at the diamond. Impervious to his misery, the 1-carat rock had twinkled merrily at him and reminded him of all he'd lost.

The memories returned to haunt him that morning as he loaded up the service truck. Sarah at Christmas, her beautiful blue eyes dancing as she handed him a gift…Sarah on the couch, laughing in delight as she beat him at a racing game…Sarah laying beside him in bed as he ran his hands along her soft curves…Sarah gazing at him sadly, her perfect mouth forming the words he never thought he'd hear. "There's someone else, Jerrod. I'm so sorry…but it's over." He'd come so close to begging her to reconsider, but he didn't. Instead, he adopted a cold façade, held in the pain, and let her walk out. When she was gone, he fell apart.

Six months later, it still stung. He had held onto the ring in the vain hope that Sarah would come back to him, but he had to admit that Greg was right. She was gone for good, and there was nothing he could do about it.

He got to the Liebermann house at 7:55 AM. The other guys were already there, leaning up against Greg's truck and sipping coffee. When they saw him pull up, they drained their cups and tossed them into a trash bag.
"Hey, man." Greg gave him a nod. "You okay?"
"Yeah, I'm good." Jerrod knew that Greg knew he was lying, and was relieved when Greg didn't push it.

The five of them walked up to the front door and Jerrod knocked. Mr. Liebermann opened it and greeted them warmly.
"Jerrod! I'm so glad to see you." Edward shook Jerrod's hand, and then the hands of the rest of the crew.
"Edward, these are my workers." Jerrod pointed at each of them as he introduced them. "This is Chris, this is Allen, this is Jake, and this is Greg."
"Great to meet all of you." Mr. Liebermann stood back and spread the arm not holding the door. "Please, come inside." The five of them filed into the home and looked around. None of the furniture had been moved yet, which was fine by Jerrod. His crew could handle it more easily than the Liebermanns could.

"So, Edward, we'll start with the living room and dining room, but we'll have to move the furniture. Where can we put it?"
"The deck is covered and well protected. We can store it there until we decide what to do with it."
"Are you still planning to redo this room?"
"Yes. My wife actually has an appointment with the interior designer later today."
"Well, we're going to go ahead and get started. Please let us know if we're in your way at all."
"Thank you, Jerrod." Edward walked into the kitchen and disappeared from their view.

The guys didn't even wait for instructions from Jerrod. When he turned around to face them, they were already lifting the couch and loveseat.
"Okay, guys, bring those this way." He started walking backward through the home, carefully moving toward the deck while keeping an eye on the guys. When they got to the deck, they maneuvered them into a corner and set them down. The end tables and floor lamps quickly followed, and they were soon left with an empty room. "Awesome! Let's get started." Jerrod slid on a paper mask and offered them to the others. Each of them took one and put them on, and then the five of them knelt down.
"Where do you want to start, Jerrod?" Greg was on one knee, running his hand across the beaten old carpet.
"The room is nicely square, so let's just spread out." He directed the guys, stationing each of them at 3 foot intervals. When they were all ready, they whipped their knives out and started slicing into the carpet. As Jerrod had anticipated, it was full of dust. The masks protected them from inhaling any of it, making the job a lot more tolerable.

Two hours later, the carpet and padding had been completely pulled up. Allen and Jake were moving around the room on their hands and knees, removing any staples or nails left in the wood floor they'd exposed. Jerrod watched them from the doorway between the living room and the kitchen. He pulled his mask down, letting it dangle around his neck as he sipped from a bottle of water. When Allen and Jake were complete, they joined the other three for a quick break.
"It looks good so far, right?" Greg tilted his water bottle in the direction of the living room.
"Yeah, I'm happy with it. With any luck, we'll have the new carpet down in here in the next couple hours."
"Are we doing the den after this?"
"I'd like to at least get the den carpet pulled up today."
"I'm sure we can handle that."
"I know we can." Female voices interrupted their conversation as Mrs. Liebermann turned the corner from the sun room into the kitchen.

"Eileen, this house is just beautiful. Thank you again for the chance to redesign the other rooms as well." Jerrod turned to look at the women walking in. His eyes widened when he saw the woman walking beside Mrs. Liebermann.
"You're so welcome, dear. I just know you'll do a wonderful job with them, your taste is impeccable."
"Well, thank you!" At that moment, the women looked up and spotted the guys. There was a moment of quiet before Mrs. Liebermann spoke up.
"Oh, Sierra, this is the carpeting crew I called Trisha about." Greg, Allen, Jake, and Chris raised a hand in greeting, but Jerrod just stood there and stared.

What kind of small world is this? That's the girl who crashed into me on her way out of the coffee shop yesterday! She's beautiful...I wonder why I didn't notice that before. Maybe because she was so angry.

He finally realized that he was being quiet (and a bit creepy), so he gave the women a small wave.
"Hi, Mrs. Liebermann. Hi, miss."
"Oh please, call me Eileen." Mrs. Liebermann offered him her hand, which he shook. "Can I ask your names?"
"I'm Jerrod." The guys also introduced themselves, and then attention turned to Sierra. She was standing there, quietly surveying the kitchen and living room. Sierra sensed, more than heard, the silence and turned her attention back to the rest of the group.
"Oh, sorry!" She offered them each a firm handshake. "I'm Sierra...I'm the interior decorator." There was a chorus of "Hi, Sierra" from the guys, and then Jerrod checked his watch.
"Well, I guess it's time for us to get back to work. We're going to get the carpet laid down in here today and then start on the den." He gave Sierra a smile, which she didn't return.

Sierra recognized him, of course. It was difficult to forget eyes that green. However, she was still emotional over her meeting with Jeff, and she couldn't forget the way Jerrod had reacted when she collided with him. She normally would've melted under a gaze as intense as his, but his attitude turned her off completely.

Don't even give him another thought, Sierra. You don't need a guy with that much attitude. Just stop thinking about him. He sure is cute, though. Look at those eyes...and that dark hair...god, he's attractive. But a jerk. Definitely a jerk. So what if you'll be working with him for a little bit? You can make it through this.

Sierra made a mental note to ignore him. The last thing she needed in her life was a "bad boy" type, no matter how deliciously attractive. Jeff had left her heart a shattered mess, and she refused to let anyone else toy with it.

2010-08-04T02:32:00.002-04:00

I promise to get Chapter 4 up just as soon as I can see straight. I worked 16 hours today because the third shift girl called off, and I was the "auction runner" for the auction today...turns out they literally mean running. It was my job to sprint back and forth between the guys running the auction and the guys entering the sales in the computer. On a 90 degree day, this is torture. It's 2:30 AM and I've been awake since 7:20 AM yesterday, so I'm going to go to sleep! I'll post tomorrow!

J

Redesigning Life - Chapter Three

2010-07-27T14:26:00.004-04:00

Chapter Three

Jerrod McElhatton walked into the Liebermann's home and shook Mr. Liebermann's hand.
"Hello, sir. I'm Jerrod with the carpeting company. I'll be the foreman for this project." The older man gave him a smile, which put Jerrod at ease.
"Hi, Jerrod. There's no need for this "sir" business...you can call me Edward." The older man motioned toward the living room. "Please, come sit with me. We'll discuss the job." He started walking and Jerrod followed. A minute later, they were settled on a comfortable cream and navy sofa.
"So, Edward, what exactly are you looking for us to do?"
"It's pretty simple. Now that the kids are gone, my wife would like to get lighter carpet installed in the house." He smiled wistfully at the dark blue carpet that was currently covering the floor. "This hid a lot of accidents, but it's definitely beat up." Jerrod swung a large bag around to the front of the couch and slid out some carpet sample books.
"Well, we've got everything you could possibly want, in every color you could possibly imagine." He spread the books out on the coffee table in front of them and Edward leaned over.
"Wow, you do." Edward flipped through the different samples, studying them intently. Jerrod just sat back and surveyed his surroundings. The home he sat in was large, with beautiful furnishings. He wasn't an expert, but he was pretty sure some of the pieces were antiques. They looked old, at least. He studied a few of the pieces for a moment before giving up and turning his attention back to Edward, who was pointing at a sample of tan plush carpet. "This is really wonderful...I love this particular shade." He looked around the living room. "But it doesn't really go with the furniture at all. We'd have to get new." Jerrod didn't interject. He felt like Edward was simply thinking out loud, and not looking for any actual input. "I guess it's time, this set is pretty beaten up." The older man finally refocused on Jerrod. "It's a good thing my wife hired an interior decorator, then, because I definitely want this tan carpet."
"Okay. Now that's a plush carpet, which is really soft and creates a nice look, but everything shows up on them. Footprints, paw prints, vacuum cleaner lines, everything." Edward nodded as Jerrod talked. "We have that same tan shade in some textured carpets, and those will hide all those marks." He flipped to those pages and pointed out the samples to Edward, who studied them for a moment before shaking his head.
"They're very nice and definitely the color I'd like, but I want the plush carpet. And I know I originally only asked for the living room and dining room to be redone, but I think I'd like all the rooms to be done in this color."
"Okay. That's definitely going to add time and cost..." Jerrod hated talking cost with the customers, but it was a necessity. He pulled his notebook computer out of his bag and quickly booted it up. "Give me just a minute and I'll get you a new estimate." He opened the calculator and ran some numbers, then turned it so Edward could see the final figure. It took Edward a moment to answer, but he finally nodded.
"That looks fine to me."
"Okay, great. My men and I can start the work tomorrow, if we won't be in your way."
"That's not a problem at all." Edward stood up and Jerrod followed suit, packing away his sample book and his laptop. Hoisting his bag onto his shoulder, he offered Edward his hand. The older man shook it.
"Wonderful. We'll be here at 9 tomorrow morning to begin."
"I'll see you then." Edward walked Jerrod out, and Jerrod strode down the long walk feeling very good about himself.

He got back to the office and nodded to his boss as he passed his office. His boss called out to him.
"Jerrod?" He turned around and walked into his boss' office.
"Yeah, Steve?"
"Did you consult with Mr. Liebermann on that job?"
"Yes, I just left his house a little bit ago."
"Did it go well?" Jerrod laughed in response to the question.
"It went amazingly well...he wants the entire house done, instead of just the two rooms."
"That's fantastic!" Steve looked absolutely thrilled about this turn of events. "You'll be the foreman on the project, of course...who is your crew going to be?"
"I think I'll take Allen. Chris too." Jerrod tapped his foot as he considered the guys he worked with. "I guess I'll snag Jake, and I always take Greg." Greg was his best friend and one of the hardest workers he'd ever known.
"That sounds fine to me. When are you starting?"
"We're going to start tomorrow."
"Okay, you might want to let the guys know."
"I'll talk to them."
"Great." That was the end of the conversation, so Jerrod walked out into the showroom. There were a few people perusing different carpet samples, being helped by the clerks walking the floor. As Jerrod walked through, one of the clerks gave him a wink. He nodded back at her.
"Hey, Amelia."
"Hey, Jerrod...what's up?"
"I'm looking for Greg."
"He's in the back."
"I figured as much." He started to walk away, but Amelia laid a hand on his shoulder.
"While you're here...do you have plans for tonight?"
"No, but I've got a huge job starting tomorrow. I was just gonna stay in and chill."
"Aw, my girlfriends and I are headed to the bar tonight. I kinda hoped you'd come too. I mean, I've told them all about you..." He fought the urge to sigh. "They really want to meet you."
"Sorry, Amelia...not tonight." Jerrod moved past her as politely as he could, heading for the door to the back. "Maybe another night!" He ignored the crestfallen look she gave him as he slid through the door and pulled it shut behind him.

He found Greg and Jake sitting in the lounge together, eating lunch.
"Yo, Jerrod." Greg gave him a nod as he pulled up a chair.
"Hey, guys." He grabbed some chips off Greg's plate and tossed a few into his mouth. "Where's everyone else?"
"They're finishing up that office job downtown."
"Oh. Are they going to be done today?"
"Yeah, definitely. They should be back in about an hour."
"Good."
"Why, man?" Jake finally spoke up. "You got a job for us?"
"Yeah, I'm taking you two, Allen, and Chris for the Liebermann job."
"Sweet."
"I need you guys at the Liebermann place at 8 AM tomorrow." He scribbled down the address on a scrap piece of paper.
"8 AM? Dude, I was planning to hit the bar tonight." Jerrod had little sympathy for Jake. He'd been friends with Jake since they'd started working here together, but often found him immature and irresponsible.
"I don't care what you do, as long as you report at 8 AM." Jake gave him a dark look that he ignored. "I'm headed back to my office. Door's open if you guys need me." With that, he got up and walked away.

Twenty minutes later, there was a knock on his doorframe and he looked up to see Greg standing there.
"Hey, what's up?"
"Nothing…can I come in?"
"Yeah, sure. I'm just making sure we can pick up the carpeting tomorrow morning."
"Do they have it?" The 'they' Greg referred to was their local supplier, The Flooring Emporium.
"Yeah, they've got it. They said they'd be able to have it here later tonight."
"That's good, I suppose." Jerrod nodded. "How long is this job scheduled to take?"
"I'm thinking we should be done with it by Friday at the latest." The next day was Tuesday, which left them 4 full days to do four bedrooms, the hallway and stairs, the living room, the dining room, and the den.
"That's good too." Jerrod sensed that something else was on his friend's mind.
"So was that all you wanted?"
"Not really…" Greg seemed to struggle with himself for a moment.
"Dude, just tell me what's going on. You and Kara didn't break up, did you?"
"No, we're doing great…it's you, Jerrod."
"Me? What did I do?"
"It's nothing you did…Kara and I are kinda concerned that you don't seem to be moving on." Jerrod started to protest, but Greg held up his hand. "Dude, it's been 6 months and you haven't been on a single date. No offense, but Sarah is gone."

Jerrod had to admit that his friend was probably right, but it didn't make him feel any better. Sarah had been the love of his life, and he was so certain they'd be together forever that he'd purchased that all-important ring. He planned a trip to New York City, made reservations for a delicious romantic dinner, and took her on a horse-drawn carriage ride. He was about to pop the question when she informed him there was someone else, and that she planned to move out when they returned from their trip. The ring, never presented, sat like a lead weight in his pocket their entire drive back, and he'd been miserable since she left.

"Jerrod, I know for a fact that Amelia is crazy about you. Why don't you go out on a date with her?"
"I don't know, Greg…I'm not really into Amelia."
"Are you crazy? She's freaking gorgeous!"
"Looks aren't everything." Jerrod sometimes didn't understand Greg.
"Still…she's a nice person. You should give her a chance."
"We'll see." Greg knew that meant he was dismissed, so he stood up.
"Ok, I'll see you tomorrow?"
"Yeah, see you tomorrow." Jerrod went back to his work and Greg left, feeling like he hadn't made even the slightest difference.

Update

2010-07-27T01:55:00.003-04:00

Hi, everyone! How have things been in your lives this week?

Things are a bit iffy here. My coworker/friend was fired on Wednesday. It's a long complicated mess, but it boils down to her being the scapegoat. The mistake that was made was the fault of two other people, but they've both been with the company longer. My boss picks on the new people. She and I are still hanging out, but it's a bit awkward. I try to avoid talking about work, but it does eventually come up. When I went in to work on Wednesday, my boss insisted on training me to do the billing stuff she was doing (plus his billing). Now, in addition to doing my job, I'm doing that too. I try not to complain, but when I don't get to my work until after 9 PM because I'm doing stupid little tasks for my boss, it really gets annoying.

I should explain...my job is to schedule the guys in the company for tasks the next day. I write up the schedule, make any necessary changes, and then call the guys. It kind of sucks when I don't get around to doing that until 9 or 10 PM because my boss has me doing other stuff, and then the guys I'm calling have to get up at 3 or 4 AM. It makes them very grumpy, and then I get yelled at by the guys. Also, my boss often complains that I'm calling the guys too late. It's seriously a damned if I do, damned if I don't situation.

Anyway, on the happy side, my uncle's family finally joined him in New Jersey. He's been stationed at Fort Dix for the past few months, which has been nice. Before May, I hadn't seen him since August of 2005. He'd been stationed in California, so he'd never even met Brandon! I still haven't gotten a chance to see his family (they just moved back this weekend), but I can't wait to see them. It's been such a long time! In other family news, Brandon's mom and brother are coming up in less than a month. They're driving up on August 20th, and we're going to see a Randy Travis concert that night. I'm really excited to see his mom, we haven't seen her since the end of April. That doesn't seem like that long ago, but we were only there like 36 hours. We arrived in Savannah on the 30th at 1 PM and left at 10 AM on the 2nd of May. It'll be nice to actually have some time to spend with her. His brother, though...I could honestly give or take. I get along with him most of the time, but he has a tendency to say every single thing he thinks and isn't very respectful. It drives me insane when he calls their mom by her first name. I'd never call my mom anything but "Mom".

We're still doing very well, although we're a bit concerned! After the miscarriage in May, we began using protection again. We had discussed it and decided it wasn't a good time for a child. Of course, we all know the saying about the best laid plans of mice and men...and I haven't had my period for July. I'm going to give it a few more weeks (since my period has always been seriously irregular) and then take a test...I'll let you guys know right away what the test says!

There isn't really much else to report...the work stress is really getting to me, and it's starting to affect Brandon too. I'm trying my hardest to act like work isn't bothering me so that he doesn't get upset, but I'm suffering headaches from holding all the stress inside. Writing is really helpful, so I'm glad you're all fans of the story! I really like this one, even though I'm not sure where it's going. Also, thanks for all the helpful comments with the layout...I finally chose this one and I'm in love with it. The colors are just so calming and perfect.

Well, it's off to bed here (2:14 AM, and I have a raging headache), so I'll post another chapter of the story tomorrow. Let me know in the comments how your week has been going!

J

Redesigning Life - Chapter Two

2010-07-23T02:09:00.002-04:00

Chapter Two

Sierra got back to the office she shared with Trisha, storming in and tossing her purse down with a huff. Trisha looked up as she entered.
"Issues?"
"Only a lot."
"Well, it can't be THAT bad."
"Oh, it's absolutely that bad." Sierra was aware she sounded like a drama queen, but she couldn't help it. Meeting with Jeff had been the worst idea ever. It had stirred up a bunch of emotions that she had pushed to the back of her mind. She was angry, hurt, betrayed, sad, lonely, and every emotion brought with it a specific memory. Anger took her back to the day she deep cleaned the apartment she and Jeff had shared. Her intent was to remove anything that would remind her of him. Her outcome had been an apartment that looked barely lived in. Every single thing she owned seemed to remind her of Jeff in some way. She and Trisha had ended up doing a huge shopping trip to refill her apartment with new items.

Sierra allowed that memory another few seconds of time before forcefully pushing it away. Breathing deeply helped her to center on Trisha, their cushy office, and the present. She'd had to use the technique a lot in recent months.
"Seriously, Trish...I must be insane to think that coffee with Jeff wouldn't hurt. There's so much to do around here and he just wasted my time."
"What did he say?" Trisha's eyes were soft as she watched Sierra. They had been best friends since they were 14 years old, and they knew each other inside and out. Trisha's ability to see through Sierra's peppy exterior had allowed her a glimpse at the pain hiding beneath. She knew that Sierra might talk a good game, but inside she was pining for Jeff.
"He said he 'wanted us back'...can you believe that?" Sierra was now moving around the office, compulsively straightening picture frames that were already straight.
"Well, you were the best thing that ever happened to him, Sierra." Trisha had known Jeff for years as well, and was less than thrilled when Sierra had told her they were dating. They'd met at a party for one of Sierra's recent clients and hit it off instantly. On the outside, they were a perfect couple. Jeff was a successful real estate agent with boyish good looks and charm. Sierra was hugely popular with clients and though she wasn't an absolute knockout, her girl next door looks drew attention often.

However, behind the scenes was a different story. Sierra was a calm woman, content to sit at home with her favorite book in her lap and Blue by her side. Her partying days had barely existed, and had ended when she lost a client because of her drinking. She'd immediately given up alcohol and focused on the business. Jeff, on the other hand, had never completely let go of his frat boy days. He had spent a good amount of time in bars with his college buddies, drinking himself silly while Sierra worked late. Trisha knew things were headed for disaster between them, but couldn't bring herself to say it to Sierra. She knew her best friend was bullheaded and never would've believed her.

When Sierra had walked in one morning with a huge diamond on her left ring finger, Trisha had plastered a fake smile across her face. Inside, she was filled with dread. The fake smile stayed in place the entire time Sierra planned her wedding, and only turned to a real one when Sierra called her about Jeff's infidelity. She'd rushed to her friend's side and comforted her, hiding her overwhelming relief the entire time.

Sierra finally calmed down enough to sit down, and Trisha turned the conversation back to work.
"Mrs. Liebermann called while you were gone."
"Oh no...what did she say?"
"She said that there are going to be workmen redoing the carpeting in the living and dining rooms next week, and that she wanted you to know so you weren't shocked if you ran into one of them."
"Oh." Sierra ran her hand over the blueprints on her desk, the ones showing the kitchen she was going to be redesigning.
"Do you even need to go back to their house?"
"Yeah, I need to take a few more pictures of the current kitchen and sit down with Mrs. Liebermann about the counters she wants."
"Well, watch out for the random guys walking around." Trisha suppressed a giggle as she went back to her current project.
"What's funny?"
"Maybe one of them will be Fabio-sexy and sweep you off your feet."
"Yeah, right." Sierra started giggling too. "With my luck, they'll all be hairy old guys with butt crack hanging out." She opened her design software to go back to work, still laughing to herself.

Redesigning Life - Chapter One

2010-07-21T23:50:00.001-04:00

Chapter One

Sierra Hoffman was a very busy woman. As the co-owner of a huge interior design business, her time was extremely valuable. That was why she was having difficulty comprehending why she was sitting in a small corner café, listening to her ex drone on. It was a huge waste of time, considering she could be working on the blueprints for the Liebermann project. They had been sprawled across her desk when Jeff had called, begging for a coffee and a chance to explain. For some ridiculous reason, she had agreed. But now her thoughts were wandering back to those blueprints, carefully plotting the new kitchen for the beautiful Victorian home.
"Sierra!" She jumped as Jeff said her name.
"What?"
"You weren't listening to me." He was doing petulant.
"Did you really expect me to?"
"I thought you said we could have a discussion about us." Sierra checked her watch.
"I did, but so far it's just been you going on and on. I have appointments to get to in this lifetime." He didn't miss the sarcastic tone.
"You didn't used to be such a bitch."
"Yeah, and you didn't used to have sex with your best friend's little sister on our living room couch while I was sleeping in the next room." It had been two months since his betrayal and their inevitable breakup, and the words still wounded Sierra. She was lonely and hurt. "I don't know what you want from me, Jeff."
"I want us back." She laughed softly.
"You should've thought of that."
"I thought of it now." He reached a hand across the table and touched her hand. "We were perfect together, Sierra." Part of her agreed and wanted to launch across the table into his arms. The rational part, however, remembered seeing those arms wrapped around Janelle...remembered the shocked look on Jeff's face when he saw her standing in the doorway. That night suddenly played in her mind, like a bad home movie.

The weird noises coming from their small living room jolted her out of a sound sleep. It sounded like muffled whines. She looked around for their Shepherd mix, Blue, but didn't see her.
"Blue!" Sierra bolted from the bed and sprinted into the living room, looking for her beloved friend. Blue was still nowhere to be found, but she forgot all about her dog when she came in view of the couch. There, on the gorgeous suede sectional, was Jeff in a passionate embrace with Janelle, her slim body wrapped tightly around his as he pounded against her. "JEFF!" He had spun around and stared at her like a deer caught in the headlights.
"Sierra, wait!" But he was too late. She had spun and made her way back to their bedroom, the entire world spinning around her. He burst in after her a few seconds later, still completely naked except a condom. She remembered an irrational thought shooting through her mind when she saw that. "At least he used protection." That was all she'd needed to lose it, and she had thrown herself onto the bed and began wailing. Jeff sat down and laid a hand on her back.
"DON'T TOUCH ME!" Sierra didn't recognize the hysterical voice that echoed through their bedroom, and it took her a moment to realize it was actually her own. The hand quickly withdrew and Jeff simply sat there while she screamed her anger and hurt into a pillow.

20 minutes later, she was completely drained. Jeff was still sitting there, but had pulled on a pair of his sleep pants. His eyes were red and she realized he had been drinking. The realization didn't make her pain any less agonizing. She wanted to say something to him, but words failed her.
"Seabee..." He used his special pet name for her. It caused a fresh spike of pain to tear through her heart. "Please look at me." She couldn't.
"No."
"Does it help at all that I'm sorry?"
"No, it doesn't." Sierra finally lifted her head and looked at him. Her next words were calm, despite the intense range of emotions she was feeling. "I want you to leave. Get out and don't ever come back."
"Please, Sea, let's talk about this."
"Nothing to talk about. Leave." She sat up in their large bed and stripped off his t-shirt. She was naked underneath, but she didn't care. The shirt dropped into his lap, followed by her beautiful engagement ring. "I don't want you in my life anymore."

Jeff packed a bag in silence and was gone an hour later. Sierra sat in their too-large bed with Blue beside her, alternating between sobbing and screaming. She couldn't remember the last time she had felt so horrible. Eventually, she had calmed down enough to call her friend Trisha. Like a true best friend, Trisha had shown up a few minutes later with a bottle of wine and her favorite ice cream. They spent the rest of the night mourning together, Blue sleeping between them on the bed.

The recollections were still painful, and they just hardened her heart against Jeff's pleading eyes. She pulled her hand away from his and shook her head.
"I meant what I said when I asked you to leave, Jeff." Sierra drained the rest of her coffee and set the mug down. "And now I'm leaving. Please don't call me again." She gathered her things and walked towards the door, dialing Trisha on her cell. She wasn't paying enough attention to see the man walking in the door until she collided with him.
"Shit...!" Her phone flew out of her hand as she went into a freefall. She was bracing herself for the impact when an arm circled her waist.

When she realized she was no longer falling, Sierra opened her eyes. The man holding her was tall and cute, with green eyes and dark hair. Trying to regain a little dignity, she moved away from him and picked up her phone. She put it in her pocket as she straightened up and looked at him.
"I'm sorry."
"Yeah, well, next time watch where you're going." His voice was tinged with irritation. Without another word, he slid past her and went to the counter. She walked out, offended by his attitude and upset over seeing Jeff again. This day was headed for the scrap heap.

Update!

2010-07-20T15:50:00.005-04:00

Hi, everyone! I've changed the name of the blog (if you guys don't like it, I'll happily change it back!) and I'm going to start posting updates about my life and chapters of my latest fictional story. I'll try to keep things as orderly as possible, which means there will probably only be one update per week. The rest of the posts will be chapters of the story. Sound good? Also, is anyone interested in knowing the true identities of the people I write about? It's pretty obvious I wasn't using real names in my previous writing.

~~~~~~~~~~

So things are pretty good over here in NEPA. I came down with a nice upper respiratory infection, courtesy of one of the girls I work with, and had to call off sick yesterday. I only made it through about three minutes at the gym before feeling like I was going to fall off the elliptical machine, so I knew I was down for the count. My poor mom drove her scooter to meet me at the gym, which turned out to be a mistake. Just as we were leaving, it started to sprinkle. Two minutes later, it was pouring down rain. She drove her scooter to my house, I gave her a change of clothes (she was SOAKED) and we waited out the storm. She ended up getting caught again on her way home, and then again going to pick my little brother up from daycamp! All in all, it was not her day.

My little brother started football yesterday. So far, he hates it, and they haven't even really done anything! I'm sure when they actually start playing, he'll enjoy it. I hated marching band some of the time, but when I look back on it, it's the one thing I truly miss from school. I still have my silver trumpet, but I don't play as much as I used to. I should start again, but between all the other stuff I have going on, I don't know where I'd find the time.

Lager has an appointment tomorrow for his third laser treatment and acupuncture. Dr. Dan said that he's switching Lager's care over to Dr. Amy, because we've reached the limits of Dr. Dan's expertise. His last recommendation was to have Lager fitted for a brace with a company that is opening up in Philadelphia, so we'll be doing that as soon as they're ready for him. His leg is getting better, in that he can move it a bit and has minor feeling, but he still doesn't put weight on it. The brace will change that, and Dr. Dan said it can take up to two years to recover from this kind of injury. He also said that whatever progress Lager has after two years will be all we'll get. However, he's feeling good about the healing Lager has displayed so far, and the acupuncture is really supposed to help in cases like this. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Brandon and I are doing very well. I read once that 9 out of 10 couples who dabble in "open marriage" end up getting divorced. I don't think we're going to end up in divorce, but right now we're just taking it a day at a time. It feels weird that it's only been 6 months since my infidelity. Honestly, once the move (April), the miscarriage (May), and Lager's accident (June) happened, things kind of clicked back into perspective. It really helps you realize what's truly important.

Work is still crazy. Sometimes, I don't know how I put up with all the stuff my boss throws at me. I realize it's a compliment that he asks me to do so much...my office manager is always telling me how much he loves me. He sincerely thinks I'm good at my job (which is a compliment in and of itself, since he's seriously bipolar and yells at everyone for the smallest things) and thinks I can handle just about anything. I try my hardest, but I seriously want to fall apart sometimes. The hours are insane. I'm taking a long planned personal day this Friday, and I just can't wait. It's especially exciting because Tiff and I are going dress shopping! She needs to find the perfect wedding dress for her upcoming nuptials, and we both need simple sundresses for my vow renewal next July. Our favorite dress store is having huge sales right now, so we're off to shop!

Otherwise, there really isn't much going on. How is everyone? Anything wild and exciting going on in anyone else's life?

Keep an eye out for chapters one and two of my latest story...I'll be posting them tomorrow!

J

Thanks!

2010-07-17T17:09:00.002-04:00

Thank you all so much for your positive words. I really can't explain how much they meant to me. Instead of completely erasing my blog, I really would like to use it to showcase some of the fiction I write. I'm working on a story right now that I'm getting good feedback on, and I was wondering if anyone would be interested in reading it?

Seriously, I'd hate to lose the blog and all the wonderful people I've "met" through it. I know my new one would be just another fiction blog, but I'd also keep up with posts about my life with Brandon and my beautiful dogs. You will all still follow me while I try for my fourth major (choosing a career is hard!) and (in all probability) start a family.

Also, one thing I forgot to add in my closing post...I lost Lilah as a friend because Alejandro told her what had happened. She actually got mad at me for choosing to stay with my husband rather than running to Alejandro, and stopped talking to Brandon and I. We were happy to let her go, because we really didn't need all that negativity in our lives; and when we reaffirm our wedding vows next year, Tiff will stand beside me in the spot SHE should've had in our wedding in 2008. (Her new fiance will actually be performing the ceremony!)

J

The End

2010-07-15T19:53:00.002-04:00

Guys, I'm sorry to have to do this, but I'm done writing my blog.

Since I've started writing about the situation with Alejandro, I've gotten at least 300 negative comments...probably more. It's getting to the point where I'm actually afraid to open any of the anonymous comments in my e-mail. I suffer from panic attacks, and my chest gets really tight when I see a new comment come in. I simply can't continue this way.

I opened this blog because my life was almost soap opera crazy. YES, it's true that I brought the drama upon myself and that technically, I could've stopped it at any time. However, the judgemental comments are obviously not coming from people who have gone through my situation...if those people had experienced it, they'd realize how quickly lines become blurred and how easy it is to go from friends to lovers. To paraphrase Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice, you're usually in the middle before you realize you ever began. Anyway, I don't want to leave you guys without any sense of closure, so here's the rest of the story.

Yes, I fell in love with Alejandro. I was happy he found happiness with Summer, but they only lasted until January. The second week of January (2009), they went through a mutual breakup. Aresumed their relationship (which was still absolutely condoned by Brandon) and things continued from there. In March, Brandon and I went to a show for Alejandro's local band. That was where I finally admitted to myself that I loved Alejandro. However, I hid it from Alejandro and Brandon until early June. At the end of May, I was with Alejandro and told him that if I was single, I'd date him. He took what I said to heart and told me at work the next day that he wanted us to be together.

While all this was happening, Brandon and I got into a fight with our landlord over some damage he claims we caused to the front porch. The damage was in fact caused by them (he and his son built the house) laying a cement porch on dirt, and the dirt settling. Because of this, we had to move back into my parents' house because it was impossible for us to find a place that allowed us to keep our two dogs. By this point, we had opened our home and hearts to a sweet white mini schnauzer we called Fry.

Three days after moving back in with my parents, we left on a long-awaited trip to Savannah. We'd been planning it for a very long time. It was a week-long vacation, and I didn't see Alejandro between his admission of feelings for me and us leaving. When we returned from our amazing trip, Brandon and I were on the very first steps of rebuilding what was ruined. This upset Alejandro, who felt I'd used him to make Brandon jealous. His theory was that I made Brandon jealous over it to prove to myself that Brandon still loved me. Of course, he was incorrect. Two weeks after Brandon and I returned, we quit the call center. The job had become unbearable. Three days later, I started working at my current job. Brandon picked up more hours at the adult store. While living with my parents, we paid them rent and started paying off debts we'd acquired. Our plans were to handle our debt and then buy a house. When we moved back with my parents, I decided that it would be a bad idea to continue my relationship with Alejandro. My parents knew nothing about it and I didn't want them to find out. I have a very open relationship with my parents, but this was something I was keeping to myself.

When I started my new job, I was no longer working with Alejandro. It did not stop us from talking to one another, but he was still angry with me. I went to his house in early July to explain what had truly happened on our vacation, and why we were so much closer when we returned from Savannah. Alejandro understood and was not angry anymore, but he had realized the depth of my feelings for him and was intent on getting me to admit it. After a few hours of dancing around it and agonizing, I admitted to him that I was in love with him. While this was going on, Brandon was at home waiting for me. He texted me at 2:30 AM and asked when I'd be coming home, and then again 15 minutes later. That text said "If it makes any difference, I love you." When I read that, I broke down. It was the most agonizing feeling I'd ever experienced. Alejandro begged me to stay as I sat in his bedroom and cried. He told me he loved me and wanted to be with me worse than he'd ever wanted to be with anyone. It caused both of us a lot of pain and was the hardest decision I've ever made, but I left that night. I told him I had to go to my husband, and that Brandon deserved better than I was giving him.

When I got home that night, Brandon was waiting for me. He had also realized that I loved Alejandro, and cried as he asked me if I was going to stay with him. He was angry and upset and heartbroken. I assured him I wasn't leaving, but it wasn't enough. Our marriage was already badly damaged. I went to Alejandro's a few days later to tell him that I wasn't leaving my husband. I felt that he had to hear it in person. When I told him, he told me that we could no longer be friends. The emotional pain that caused was actually so strong that I was physically hurt from it. It made me ache. I cried for 5 hours, and Brandon blamed himself the entire time. However, it was not entirely his fault, as you could see from my posts. Obviously, I knew what was going on and never tried to stop it. I was caught up in a maelstrom of emotions I barely understood.

August rolled around, and I cut Alejandro out of my life entirely. Brandon and I started looking for a home and decided to try to start a family. I went off my birth control, but we didn't actually actively try. We were more of the "wait and see" type when it came to it. If it happened, it happened...if it didn't, it didn't. Our marriage got better, in part because we were no longer working together. We slowly built up our credit and searched for the perfect home. We were looking for a fixer-upper that would be big enough for the children we wanted. The drama that ensued during this time was mostly work-related, and Emily and Mitch related. They broke up, made up, broke up again, made up again, beat each other up more than once, and generally fell apart. Things were a terrible mess. I was working 7 days a week while my office was shorthanded, and it was beginning to make me irritable and a bit crazy. I was headed for a complete breakdown.

We had a wonderful Christmas, but things fell apart again after that. I learned from a friend of mine that Alejandro was planning on moving to California. I knew I couldn't let him leave without apologizing for my part in the entire mess, so I got permission from Brandon to send him a Facebook message saying I was sorry. I did that, and he responded reassuring me that he held no ill will and wanted to see me. I no longer had any feelings for him (so I thought), and so Brandon said we could see one another as friends.

January 24th came, and I had a very eventful day. Earlier that evening, Brandon and I went to see Avatar. Mark (my friend who came to visit me all the time at Subway) was at the theater! He'd worked there when we first met, about 7 years ago, so I wasn't too shocked to see him. We traded cell numbers, and he got Brandon and I into the movie for free. When the movie was over (it was AWESOME!), I dropped Brandon off at home and went to see Alejandro. 10 minutes after I'd left the house, Brandon called me. When I picked up, he said "I want you to come home." My response was "Really?", and I hit my turn signal to turn around. He said no and said he was just calling to tell me that there was a storm coming and he wanted me to be careful. I still wish I had turned around when he said that.

I got to Alejandro's and his friend was there. The three of us hung out for a while, and then his friend left. It was quite obvious, once I was sitting with him, that my feelings hadn't gone away and neither had his. I was determined to keep things friendly, though, and we just continued to talk. But we all know the saying about the best laid plans of mice and men...one thing led to another, and I cheated on Brandon. When it was over, I told Alejandro that I never wanted the situation spoken of again, and that I never wanted to see him again either.

I went home that night feeling worse than I ever had before. The next day, Brandon had to work a 10 AM to 6 PM at the adult store. I woke up after he'd left, feeling like the worst person in the world. I told a friend what I'd done, sobbing the entire time. When I realized I had to tell Brandon what had happened, I asked my friend how I should go about it. He advised me to do it in person, but I simply couldn't bring myself to. I knew it was cowardly, but I wrote a note to Brandon and then called off work and went to Tiff's house. (By this point, Tiff had served Jake with divorce papers and was living with her new boyfriend, who was a MUCH nicer guy than Jake.) I admitted to Tiff what I'd done, and she was the first person to tell me that I was a dumbass. The other friends I'd told (only two very close friends) told me that I was a smart person who'd done a stupid thing.

Tiff let me lay on her lounge all day and sob and generally feel sorry for myself. I had turned off my cell phone and refused to take calls from any of my family or from Brandon. When Brandon realized that something seriously terrible had happened, he called his coworker in early and went home to read the note. I honestly believed he wouldn't show up, but he got to Tiff's house and we went into her bedroom to talk. That's where he lost it and told me he wanted a divorce. However, my infidelity had made me realize how much was wrong in our marriage and how messed up I truly was. I knew I didn't want to lose him. I begged Brandon to give me the chance to change, and he agreed to stay as long as we went into counseling. I had never been happier.

Two weeks later, we started marriage counseling, and we went for four tumultuous months. During this time, we were still off birth control and searching for our perfect home. We finally found a home and moved into it on April 1st. As a symbol of our new (much stronger) relationship, we got rid of our old wedding bands and bought beautiful new ones. The more we went to therapy, the better things got between us. Finding the house really pulled our marriage back together. We were forced to move sooner than we'd expected, though, because my mom's evil neighbor called the township on her. Apparently, my mom's township has a law that you can't own more than four pets. My mom had 6 mini schnauzers, not to mention my 3. (While we lived with my parents, Brandon and I adopted a beautiful husky/lab puppy we named Rory.) Even though we moved, she was still over the limit. Despite the fact that the law was rarely enforced, the township was determined to make my mom drop down to four. Her dogs were well-cared for and never bothered anyone, but her neighbor was just an evil person who didn't care.

We took her beautiful Cookee to live with a friend in Syracuse on April 18th. He was severely depressed after losing his mini schnauzer, Duchess, and Cookee made him so much happier. It was very difficult on my mom and I to go through, but Dan's happiness made us feel better about it. At midnight on April 30th, Brandon and I left for Savannah with my mom's sweet Bender. He was going to Jacksonville to live with another friend of ours. We took turns driving so the other could sleep and met up with his mom when we got there. We hadn't told her we were coming, so it was a nice surprise. We got Bender to our friend and then returned to PA on May 2nd. While we were in Savannah, Brandon's mom told us that we should wait to have children. By this point, we'd both enrolled in a local community college for the fall and had decided to go back on the pill. However, we were completely unaware that I was already 8 weeks pregnant.

On May 5th, I woke up with terrible cramps. Despite 4 Midol and a heating pad, they didn't get better. I ended up vomiting and Brandon rushed me to the hospital. After hours of tests, some really awesome pain meds, and an ultrasound, we learned that I had been pregnant but that I'd suffered a miscarriage. Despite not knowing about the pregnancy, we were both heartbroken. Both sets of parents were upset as well. They'd wanted us to wait, but were looking forward to having grandchildren.

In early June, Lager was hit by a car. You guys already know all about that, so I won't cover it again here. Brandon and I have been doing better and better, and Lager's accident forced him to admit that he loved Lager and didn't want anything bad to happen to him. It was a wonderful moment. Around this time, work started losing people again. I've been working insane hours and trying my hardest to keep up.

On Wednesday, Brandon and I celebrated our second wedding anniversary. We've rebounded from my infidelity and are stronger than ever. We live happily with our three dogs, no children (yet), and we are both going back to school in the fall. He is going to become a paramedic, and I'm going to study dental hygiene.

There is a lot of drama that happened to my friends and family, which I will not cover here. This was simply to give you closure over what happened. For those who wanted to know if Brandon and I were still together, this is your answer.

Thank you all so much for your support. The positive comments really kept me going when I felt down about myself, and I'll always have a special place in my heart for my frequent readers. If anyone wants to read some of my fiction writing, I'm on www.fictionpress.com under the name Rinoa H.

This was a crazy, angry, fun, insane ride and I was really happy to have you guys follow while it lasted. Thank you so much.

<3
J

Alejandro and Summer

2010-07-08T21:00:00.001-04:00

Two days after Christmas, Brandon and I were headed to work. The happy Christmas mood had already worn off, and I was feeling mildly depressed. Without Christmas to look forward to, winter was just a bleak, icky season. I hated it because it was freezing and the trees were absolutely bare. It didn't help that Brandon and I were still griping at one another, and that someone I thought was a close friend (not to mention someone I was sleeping with) hid a girlfriend from me. It made sense, though. He hadn't asked Brandon and I about me visiting him at all in December. When I cut through the hurt (and yes, jealousy), I realized I was happy for Alejandro. He had been far too lonely since Lillith had died, and it was nice to see him moving on.

We arrived at work and headed in our normal door. This took us right past Alejandro's desk, and he was there with his headset nestled in his black curly hair.
"Hey." He gave us a small wave, which I returned.
"I need to talk to you when you go on break."
"I'm going right now if you want." I checked my phone. We had arrived 15 minutes early for our shift, so I nodded.
"Babe, I'll be back...can you find us seats?"
"Yeah." Brandon walked away with a small nod, and I waited as Alejandro put his phone system in break mode. When he was ready, we walked outside together.

Once he got into our normal corner and lit a cigarette, he looked down at me.
"What did you want to talk about, J?" I wasted no time getting to the point.
"Who's Summer?" He looked mildly awkward as he tapped the ash off his cigarette and sighed.
"I was going to tell you about her."
"When?" I crossed my arms and looked up at him, deliberately keeping space between us.
"I don't know."
"How long have you been with her?" He and I had just "hung out" on the 7th, so I was concerned.
"Two weeks."
"Oh." I did some quick math in my head, but failed. "What day?
"We got together the 14th."
"Oh, that's nice."
"Are you okay with that?" He was studying me, his dark eyes full of concern.
"Absolutely...I'm happy for you."
"Thanks...Summer is really great." He smiled, and I could see how happy he really was.
"I'm glad." I gave him a smile, despite the undeniable fact that I was jealous. "Well, I should get inside."
"Ok, babe...I'll talk to you later." I nodded in response and scanned my keycard. I went and logged in, my head full of dark clouds. I was upset that he hadn't told me, angry at myself for being upset and jealous, and depressed for no good reason at all. It was shaping up to be a terrible night.

Luckily, it was a slow shift. With Lane to cheer me up and Brandon and I getting along better, the dark cloud in my mind slowly lightened up. By the time midnight rolled around, Brandon and I were holding hands and making goofy jokes with one another. It wasn't perfect, but it felt nice to be back to that point.

--------------------------------------------------

A week later, we went to Denny's with Lilah and Alejandro. It was actually easier than I thought for the two of us to go back to being friends, rather than lovers. My jealousy was beginning to abate, and I truly was happy for he and Summer. This particular night, he was in a fantastic mood. He and Lilah were messing around with one another like always, which led to a butter knife sword fight.
"You guys are idiots." Brandon was shaking his head and cracking up. I nodded my agreement with Brandon, because I was trying my hardest not to spit fruit punch all over the table. I couldn't swallow it because I was laughing, so I did my best to get them to stop. They didn't pay any attention, and I finally managed to choke down my fruit punch.
"You two almost made me spit out my drink!" At that moment, Alejandro managed to jab Lilah in the side with his knife.
"Got you!" She laughed and tossed down her knife.
"Yup, you win." With a head bow, she conceded the "battle" to him.
"Haha!" Alejandro grabbed his napkin, which was still wrapped up around his fork and spoon, and placed it by his side. Before anyone could say a word to stop him, he attempted to sheath his butter knife in it. Of course, all he managed to do was stab himself in the hand. "OW!" The three of us burst into laughter as Alejandro rubbed his palm. "That hurt, you guys suck."

With the epic battle over, we placed our orders and the conversation turned to work. Brandon and Lilah started talking about people from K-Mart, where they had both worked, and Alejandro and I just sat there quietly for a few minutes. When he was quiet, I saw something in his eyes that made me wonder. He didn't look as happy as he had the week before, so when he excused himself to smoke a cigarette, I joined him.

"Hey...are you okay?" I sat down on the bench next to him.
"Yeah...I guess I'm good." My answer to that was a skeptical cock of my head.
"Alejandro." He looked at me, and I gave him a serious look. "I can see right through you. What's wrong?" He sighed and looked away.
"It's Summer."
"What about her? I thought you were happy."
"I am...it's just that she has a 3 year old son."
"You don't like kids?"
"No, I love her son. He's a great little boy."
"So what's the problem?"
"I think she is looking more for a father for her son...she's trying to change me too much."
"Ah." I nodded. Everyone knew it was impossible to change someone.
"I'm not sure I want to be with her anymore. What do you think I should do?"
"I think...that's a decision you'll have to make yourself." I stood up and touched his shoulder lightly. "I'll be back inside, ok?" With that, I turned and walked away. I was feeling a lot of conflicted emotions again, and I wanted to get away from them as soon as possible.

When Alejandro finally came back inside, he looked even less happy. I felt bad, but I knew that I had made the right choice. If I'd told him to leave her, I would've looked jealous and petty. If I had told him to stay, I would've looked desperate to keep him in the relationship. Either way, the decision had to be his.

Lilah and Brandon were still talking and hardly noticed the change in Alejandro's attitude. Luckily, our food came shortly after we returned, so the conversation turned to food related topics. As we ate, I noticed that Alejandro seemed less upset, and I figured he had finally made a decision.

I could only wonder what it was, since I wasn't planning to ask.

Christmas!

2010-07-06T21:00:00.001-04:00

Besides Halloween, Christmas was my favorite holiday.

I wasn't a big fan of the cold, but the lights and the giving and the general happiness of the holiday were amazing. The feeling Christmas filled me with was indescribable. That's why I was especially thrilled with Brandon working at the adult store and at the call center. His adult store paychecks were extra money that we were able to use to buy gifts. I was obsessed with gift giving. My quest was to find the absolute perfect gift for someone, and I would rather watch people open the gifts I gave them than open the ones they'd given me.

I'd spent the entire month of December searching for gifts for my family. The internet made it easier and more complicated at the same time. While I could find a multitude of random stuff online, it was difficult dealing with the shipping times. I spent a long time stressing over gifts that were being shipped to me, especially as the 25th drew closer.

When Christmas morning finally arrived, I sprung out of bed like a child.
"Get up, love!" My voice made him open his eyes, and I gave him a deep kiss. "Merry Christmas!"
"Merry Christmas, babe." Brandon rubbed his eyes as he sat up. "Is your family coming up?"
"I have to call them."
"Ok." He climbed out of bed and we got dressed. Then he took Lager out while I called my mom.

"Hello?"
"Hi, Mom!"
"Hey."
"Are you guys coming up?"
"Yeah, we just have to finish up here."
"Ok, I'll see you in a little bit!" We hung up, and I went into the kitchen in search of breakfast. I had made cinnamon buns the night before, so I heated two of them in the microwave and drizzled frosting over them. Brandon brewed coffee, and when that was done we sat down in the living room together. We ate staring at our tree, which was lit up and sparkling. The glittery decorations I'd chosen threw spots of teal light onto the wall like a disco ball. It made me smile.

We finished our breakfast and I took the plates to the living room. Brandon moved to the ground next to the tree and stared at the presents. He hated surprises. Not knowing what was in the boxes drove him absolutely insane.
"Babe, don't touch those."
"Why not?"
"Just wait until my family gets here."
"Fine." He didn't have long to wait. My dad's truck pulled into the driveway five minutes later and my family piled out. Joel was the first to the door, knocking as fast as his little boy hand could move. I went to open the door as the rest of my family caught up with him.
"Hi, guys!" I stepped back to let them inside. They entered and slowly shed outerwear. There was a biting wind whistling through the valley, and I was happy to shut the door against it.
"Hey...gifts?" I looked where my mom was gesturing and saw my dad struggling to hold onto a bunch of boxes. I took some of them from him and we moved into the living room.

Once we were all settled, we began the gift opening. I was especially excited for my parents to open the gifts we'd purchased them. We had gotten my dad a Patrick Kerney jersey (his first ever Seattle Seahawks jersey) and my mom a doll building kit. She was into those lifelike looking dolls, and had three of them. The kit would allow her to make her own.

As expected, everyone oohed and aahed over their gifts. My parents were always amazing at picking gifts. Everything they got for us was perfect. Everything Brandon got for me was perfect. It always amazed me that anyone could know me that well, much less several people. When the gift giving was over, they headed home and we started dinner. Christmas dinner was my absolute favorite of the year. No offense to Thanksgiving or anything, but I definitely preferred ham over turkey.

Unfortunately, Brandon and I had to work Christmas night, from 8 to midnight. A 4 hour shift wasn't too bad, and we knew there wouldn't be many people there. We were honestly looking forward to it. We passed the hours cooking and playing with our new gifts. Brandon was especially obsessed with the DVD repair kit I'd purchased for him. His Family Guy DVDs were shot and badly needed to be run through the system.

Finally, the time came and we headed to work. That would be where Christmas would take a crazy turn.

We got to the call center and wandered in, waving at a few friends. Alejandro wasn't there, since his program didn't run on Christmas, but a few people in other programs were and they returned our waves. We got to our section and found some seats near Lane.
"Hey, guys." He looked me up and down. "Nice outfit." I was wearing a blue track suit that Brandon had gotten me with a pair of ivory flip-flop slippers that Joel had given to me.
"Thanks, it's very comfortable." It was nice to be at work in something comfortable. Usually, we were required to wear "business casual" and it meant dressy clothes and shoes. Holidays and weekends were dress down days, which meant jeans and sweats.

We started working, which was excruciatingly boring. No one was calling, which made me happy. It meant that no families had to suffer Christmas night in a freezing cold home while waiting for one of the incompetent technicians to arrive. Of course, happy never lasted.

I took my break and was sitting in the lunchroom, eating a slice of pie we'd packed from home. A slim girl walked in wearing a pair of silk pajamas.
"Wow, those are gorgeous PJs." I pointed at her with my plastic fork.
"Oh, thanks...my boyfriend got them for me for Christmas. I think they're from Victoria's Secret."
"Ooh, I love Victoria's Secret! They make the best bras. Those things seriously last forever."
"Yeah, they're awesome. My boyfriend loves that place."
"My husband does too."
"Doesn't your husband work here as well?" I didn't bother asking how she knew that. There weren't any other married couples working at the call center, and even people who didn't know us knew that we were married.
"Yeah, he works in the HVAC program with me."
"That's cool...my boyfriend works here, but he's in Citibank. I'm with HSBC."
"Oh, a few of my friends work in Citibank...who's your boyfriend?"

Her answer was entirely unexpected, and hit me like a punch to the solar plexus.

"Alejandro."

Announcment

2010-07-03T22:36:00.003-04:00

Hi, ladies.

I know you've all been super patient with me, and for that I thank you so much. I truly enjoy writing this blog and getting the amazingly supportive comments that come through. However (and I'm sure some of you have seen this coming), I am going to have to drop the posting schedule to two times a week until things even out at work. As I type this, I'm waiting for someone to arrive to end my 16 hour day...this is the second day in a row I've been at work this long. The company is undergoing a transition from a towing company to an environmental response company, and employees are pulling 80-90 hour weeks just to keep up. I hate having you guys check for posts and then be disappointed, so I'm going to be posting on Tuesday and Thursday nights. They're usually the slowest at work.

Once the transition is over and the crazy hours go away, I'll return to the normal posting schedule. Thank you so much for sticking with me!

J

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like...a Mess

2010-07-02T21:00:00.000-04:00

When the season changed from Autumn to Winter that year, it changed with a bang. It seemed like one minute, it was a crisp fall day; the next, a biting winter one. Somehow, it made work so much less bearable.

Listening to people complain all day long was never a fun job. For us, it was torture. The heating/air conditioning company we worked for seemed to be the worst one in the universe. There was no shortage of upset customers for us to attempt to pacify, and we often failed quite badly. I understood where their anger was coming from, but that didn't make it any less annoying to deal with. After one particularly nasty customer hung up, I threw my headset down and exploded.
"Seriously, if I have to hear one more customer complain that their furnace STOPPED working after our techs finished their tune-up, I am going to go postal."
"Don't hold back or anything, J." Lane peeked around the side of the cubicle wall and fixed me with an amused glance.
"I swear, I'm ready to go to HVAC school and become a tech, so I could get a job with them. That way, at least ONE of us would know what the hell was up." At this point, Lane was laughing. So were Brandon and Maria. "What's funny?"
"Your rant is hilarious...you're just so cute when you're mad!" Maria nudged my shoulder with hers, still giggling.
"But I'm serious...this is just ridiculous."
"I have to agree." Brandon was backing me up, though he was still laughing.
"Yeah, Lane, I side with J and Brandon. Will the company ever hire anyone competent?" Maria's question was rhetorical, but I still found a good point to it.
"I don't know, guys...I know it sucks, but don't let anyone push you around. If you ever have anyone really angry, just ask me and I'll take care of it. No one should be allowed to talk to you like that." I was still mad at Lane for leaking the information about my relationship with Alejandro, but that mollified me a bit.

I was also grateful for it a few hours later. At 11:45 PM, none of us were thinking about irate customers. We were all chatting casually, watching the clock as it slowly creeped closer to midnight. The phones were pretty quiet by this point. Of course, quiet was the one thing that never lasted. I was the unlucky one that night. My phone beeped and I sighed softly. Unmuting my headset, I turned my attention to the screen and started reading the script.
"Logan Heating and Air Conditioning, this is J, how can I help you?"
"You guys are fucking assholes."
"Excuse me, sir?"
"Are you deaf? You guys are assholes. Are you in the damn shop?" My irate customer training went into action, and I immediately began trying to defuse the situation.
"No, sir, I'm in Pennsylvania. I'm sorry to hear you're having problems. What can I do to fix that?"
"Pennsylvania? What the fuck are you supposed to do from there?!"
"I don't know, sir. I'll do my best to help you."
"Well, you need to turn your goddamn technician around and get him back to my girlfriend's house right now!" He gave me the address and I typed it into our system to pull up her information.
"What happened, sir?"
"He wouldn't do the repair on her system because she didn't have the check to pay him at the house."
"I'm very sorry about that, sir, but we do require payment upon completion of service."
"I don't fucking care about your goddamn requirements! I was on my way home with the check, and my girlfriend told the technician that, and he left anyway! He was supposed to call ME so I could come home from work to drop it off. He didn't, he called her, showed up here, and left when she told him I wouldn't be home for another 15 minutes."
"Well, sir, our technicians are very busy tonight." It was all I could think to say.
"Fuck that! This house is fucking freezing and my girlfriend has a 4 year old and 2 year old. They need the fucking heater working!" He continued to rant, and I muted my headset.

"Lane, I have an exceptionally irate customer here."
"What's going on?" I gave him a quick rundown, all the while listening to the guy ranting in my ear. I realized that he was slurring his words a bit.
"In addition to all that, I think he's drunk."
"Ok, let me have the headset." I stood up and removed my headset, offering the seat to Lane. He took it, sat down, and unmuted the phone.

"Hello, sir?" I heard yelling, but I couldn't make out the words. "No, I'm her supervisor." More yelling. "No, I don't directly supervise the technicians." Everyone else was starting to pay attention to Lane. Listening to the supervisors handle customers was actually pretty interesting. "Oh, hello, ma'am. I'm sorry about what's happened." Soft buzzing could be heard from the earpiece. "I understand, and I do feel terrible." More buzzing. "I can get you back in the list and send him back out as soon as possible." Yelling. "That's the best I can do, sir. I apologize, but he had other homes to visit." The woman spoke again. "I will get him there as soon as I can, ma'am...uh huh...ok, have a great night and thank you for calling Logan Heating and Air Conditioning." He stood up, gave me a smile, and handed back my headset.

"All taken care of, J."
"Thanks, Lane!" I sat back down and ended the call program on the computer. However, the customer hadn't hung up. I could still hear him and his girlfriend talking.
"What the fuck, what was that dumb bitch going to do from Pennsylvania?"
"I don't know, sweetie..." My heart ached for her. She sounded sad and scared, and I was absolutely certain she was a battered woman. I unmuted my phone.
"Sir, I need you to hang up. I have other calls to take and you're tying up my line."
"Oh." He disconnected, but she didn't.
"I'm sorry about that. He really doesn't mean to be like that. He's just under a lot of stress..." She trailed off. Her voice was so soft, and her defense of him caused another pang of pain to shoot through my heart.
"It's okay, ma'am. Have a good night."
"Thank you." She hung up and I sighed.

"That was horrible." I turned to Brandon, who reached out and took my hand. I was angry and drained, which was causing me to tremble. I rolled my chair close to his and he wrapped me in a hug.
"Calm down, babe...it's okay."
"But his girlfriend...she sounded so pitiful." I clenched my teeth together before saying the next part. "She sounded afraid of his anger, like he beats her."
"I wouldn't be surprised." Brandon's response made me shake my head. I had seen so many battered women, and battered children. Alexis had beaten me severely when I was young, and the emotional scars were still there. It was such a horrible thing to do to someone, and I felt terrible for that woman.

I went home that night with her on my mind. I couldn't believe my heart was hurting for a complete stranger. Work was beginning to get to me in a way that I couldn't explain. At first, I'd loved my job. Talking to people all over the country was fun at first, and I had definitely had some interesting chats with some of them. However, the higher-ups were starting to crack down on anything that wasn't scripted, and that had taken a lot of the joy out of my work. The rules were getting more and more ridiculous.

Add to that the fact that Alejandro worked there and I saw him every day, and my job was quickly becoming one of the most stressful things in my life.

2010-06-28T22:00:00.000-04:00

Christmastime was always one of my favorite times of the year. This one was all the more amazing because Brandon and I got to decorate our place the way we wanted to. The first step, as was tradition in my family, was to make a special trip to cut down a tree.

My dad woke us at 9 AM by tapping on our bedroom window. The sound jerked me out of my sound sleep, and I sat up quickly to see what it was. When I saw it was my dad, I got out of bed and put my robe on. Lager, oblivious to the fact that it was WAY too early, jumped up and followed me into the living room. I opened the front door to see my parents, Emily, Joel, Ron, and Melanie standing on my front porch.
"What's going on?"
"We're going to cut down Christmas trees. You guys coming with?"
"I guess so..." I took Lager outside to pee. It was a freezing cold morning, and my knee-length robe wasn't cutting it. "I'll have to change first."
"Well, duh."
"Be nice, daddy." I waited for Lager to finish up, then went back inside to wake Brandon. We got dressed and then bundled up as best as we could. Once we were ready, we headed out.

I regretted our decision as soon as we got to the tree farm. My dad was a perfectionist, so he had to find the absolute perfect tree. It was freezing, flurrying, and my coat was doing nothing to protect me from the biting wind. I could hardly focus on the trees to help Brandon choose one. Instead, I huddled together with my mom, sister, and Melanie and watched the boys traipse around between the trees pointing and shouting.

Two hours and a lot of complaining on my part later, we had chosen three beautiful trees. The smaller one was ours, since our living room wasn't very big. Dad had picked the most attractive tree I'd ever seen...it was 11 feet tall (they had high ceilings), perfectly proportioned, and a lovely shade of green. I actually felt sad as I watched him cut it down. He then moved on to ours. Ours was also very pretty. It was short and chubby, only about 6 feet tall but very wide. As Dad cut it down, I pondered where in the living room we'd place it, and what we'd decorate it with. Neither of us had lived on our own around Christmas before, so it meant we had zero decorations for our house. Brandon was apparently thinking the same thing I was, because he sidled up next to me and shouted over the sound of my dad's chainsaw.
"I think a trip to Wal-Mart is in order!"
"Yeah, we'll have to go tomorrow, though...I don't feel like going today!"
"Okay!"

We got the trees cut down and piled them into the bed of my dad's truck. Brandon, Ron, Melanie and I climbed up after them to hold them as Dad drove down to the small building at the bottom of the sloping tree farm. There, they sent the trees through a machine that wrapped them up in cord. Once they were done, the wrapped trees went back into Dad's truck. Brandon and I climbed into our Nissan, and I immediately cranked up the heat. Frigid air blasted from the vents.
"Damn car, takes forever to warm up."
"We just got in 5 seconds ago, love."
"I don't care, I'm freezing." Extreme temperatures made me grumpy. I preferred the moderate temperatures in mid-Spring and early Autumn.

Dad drove straight to our house, where he and Brandon unloaded our tree from the truck. They placed it on our front porch until we could buy a tree stand. I went inside and brought Lager out, and he was very interested in the tree. I stopped him two seconds before he would've lifted his leg on it and directed him out into the yard. Brandon and my dad were chatting next to the truck, and I went and joined them while Lager peed.
"What's up?"
"I don't want to get back in the truck." My dad was leaning against the side of the truck with his arms crossed.
"Why not?"
"Because Emily and your mom are arguing."
"About what?"
"What do you think?"
"Mitch?"
"Yeah." I shook my head in response.

Mitch was my sister's boyfriend. They'd been on and off since April of 2006, and their relationship was the most dysfunctional one I'd ever been witness to. Emily was a snippy little bitch whenever he was around, and treated him like dirt. Mitch was an obnoxious jerk who made stupid jokes and treated Emily like dirt. They were miserable when they were together, and miserable when they weren't. It was a demented tango that neither seemed to want to change. Because Mitch made Emily into a miserable brat, she took that out on everyone around her. Unfortunately, my parents and Joel were constantly in her line of fire and it was causing a lot of problems at home. Recently, Joel had woken up with a nightmare and told my parents he'd dreamt that Emily was screaming at him. It broke my heart.

The three of us fell silent, and I listened to my mom arguing with Emily.
"Seriously, you need to just realize he's no good for you. He's not supposed to bring out the WORST in you."
"Whatever, Mom, you just don't want me to be happy. It's my life, you need to just butt out."
"While you live under my roof, you're under my rules. Butting out is not going to happen."
"Whatever." I knew, from experience, that my mom hated the word whatever. I used to say it to end arguments, and it drove her absolutely insane. I turned my attention back to my dad.

"What happened to start this latest argument?"
"Mitch hit her."
"Are you fucking kidding me?"
"No...but she hit him too."
"Oh my god, could they get any more dysfunctional?"
"I don't think they could."
"Seriously, they deserve each other...I wouldn't want that much dysfunction spreading to two other unsuspecting people." My dad laughed at me, and I just shrugged. "Well, it's true."
"Yeah, I know...well, I should get back in there. Lager looks like he's done, anyway." I looked at my dog, who was standing by the front door with his tail wagging. He was definitely ready to go inside.
"Ok, see you later." With that, we went inside to enjoy the rest of our day off and Dad went back into the truck to deal with Emily's brattiness.

--------------------------------------------------

The next day, we had work. It was a calm Sunday shift, which was nice. Weekends were always more fun than weekdays, since we were the only program staffed for Saturday and Sunday. That meant we could do whatever we wanted, and not get in trouble. We all took serious advantage of that...even our supervisor brought in his Nintendo DS to play. After work that night, we went to Wal-Mart to pick out decorations.

It took us a while to agree, but we ended up going with a traditional blue and silver color scheme. It was a bit bland for me, though, so I dressed it up with some glittery teal decorations. We also went with a special decoration each, like my family had always had. Mine was a knit turtle, and Brandon's was a light up penguin. We tossed some icicle lights into the cart for the front porch, and a pretty roll of ribbon to use as garland for the tree. A tree stand followed, along with an embroidered silk tree skirt.

The longer we shopped, the more excited I became. I had always loved helping my mom decorate, and doing it for the first time on my own was exhilarating. I couldn't wait for Brandon and I to have our first Christmas together. There was just one dark cloud hanging over it...Alejandro. He wasn't close to his family at all, and his friends would all be with theirs for the holiday. No matter how much I tried to push it out of my mind, I couldn't help but dwell on his loneliness. He was on my mind a lot more than I wanted him to be, and I was beginning to realize that I had a hardcore crush on him.

That was not a good thing.

2010-06-26T17:48:00.002-04:00

Hi, guys! I promise I'm trying to get the posts up as quickly as I can, but June is turning out to be the worst month in the history of my life. Things at work have exploded and I'm now doing the work of four people...I'm working 12 hour shifts and haven't had a day off in the past two weeks. If I'm not working, I'm sleeping.

My shift is quite slow right now, so I'm working on a post. If things don't go crazy again (knock on wood!) I should have a new post today and one tomorrow. I can't guarantee a time for you guys, though...I work noon to midnight both days, so it'll be sometime between then!

Thanks for your patience!

J

Thanksgiving

2010-06-26T14:47:00.003-04:00

The following Thursday was Thanksgiving. I was excited, because it was our first major holiday on our own and we'd both been given that day off.

At 9 AM, the alarm went off. Grumbling, I dragged myself out of bed. Brandon had done a 2 hour close (12:15-2:15) at the adult store the night before, so we hadn't gotten to bed until around 3 AM. Since I was used to running on 9-10 hours of sleep, the six hours just wasn't cutting it.
"Babe, get up." I nudged Brandon.
"No." He pulled the blankets over his head and curled into the fetal position.
"Seriously, get up. We have to go cook."
"Fine." He stretched out again and then sat up, yawning. I got dressed as he grudgingly dragged himself out of bed. He looked even more exhausted than usual.
"Are you okay, babe?"
"No...I'm not feeling well."
"Aw, I'm sorry." I gave him a hug, then took Lager outside and hooked him to his tie out. The day was freezing cold, so I didn't stay out long. When we got back inside, Brandon was staring at the turkey. "Um, babe?"
"Yeah?"
"Why are you staring at the turkey?"
"I don't know." He got the kitchen shears out of the drawer in front of him and cut the wrapping open. I joined him at the counter, grabbing the roaster pan for him to plop the turkey into.

Ten minutes later, our very large turkey was in the oven and we were relaxing on the couch. Brandon was starting to look very pale, and I was getting concerned.
"Babe, are you okay?"
"No. My throat is killing me." I frowned.
"Do you want something to drink?"
"Yes, please." I got up and got him a glass of Kool-aid. When I brought it back to him, I noticed that he was sweating.
"Babe, you really don't look good." I knew exactly what this was. "You're getting strep, aren't you?" He took a sip of the Kool-aid I was offering and winced.
"I think I am."
"I'll get the flashlight." I retrieved the flashlight from the cellarway and returned. "Ok, open your mouth." He did, and I shined the light in. His throat was an angry shade of red, and there were small white spots forming in the back of his throat. "It's definitely strep, babe."
"Oh, great."
"I'm sorry..." I laid down next to him and he put his arms around me. Being that close to him made me smile, and I again questioned the mess I'd gotten into with Alejandro.
"I hate strep."
"I know you do, babe." Brandon never got sick. The man had the best immune system I'd ever known, and the only thing that ever got past it was strep throat. He got it at least twice a year. I, on the other hand, had the worst immune system known to man. I got every cold that came through my friends or family and frequently suffered from nasty viruses, but had never had a case of strep throat.

I continued to care for Brandon through the day, between my cooking. By 3 PM, the entire spread was completed. I'd cooked a beautiful turkey, mac and cheese, mashed potatoes, yams, corn, and stuffing, as well as baking a pumpkin pie and a cherry pie. All I had to do was slice the cranberry sauce to finish things up.
"Babe, time to eat." There was no answer from Brandon, who was laying on the couch. "Babe, come on." I turned to see why he wasn't answering me and sighed. He'd fallen asleep. I looked down at Lager, who was standing next to me wagging his tail. His nose was pointed firmly in the direction of the turkey. "Guess it's just you and me, fuzzball." Lager kept his eyes on the turkey, the only sign he heard me a slight cock of his head. I got his dog bowl and filled the bottom with Thanksgiving food, then poured dry dog food on top. Once I'd made a plate up for myself, I put his bowl down and sat down on the couch. I ate while he ate, watching TV. Brandon slept the entire time.

Brandon woke up a few hours later. I was dozing on the couch, sleepy from too much turkey and too much food in general.
"How long have I been asleep?"
"About three hours." He looked into the kitchen, where dinner was still on the counter.
"I missed dinner?"
"Yeah...how are you feeling?"
"Shitty."
"I'm sorry, babe. Do you want some dinner?"
"No, I'm not hungry." I got him another drink, and we spent the rest of the night relaxing together. It was a nice night, just being with him, and it stirred up a lot of conflicting thoughts.

--------------------------------------------------

10 days later, Brandon and I had another night off together. He'd talked with Alejandro, who wanted me to come over that night. Brandon gave his permission, so I headed out. As always, I was ridiculously nervous. I didn't understand how I could be nervous, having been with him so many times, but it didn't change the fact that I was.

When I arrived, there were still quite a few of Alejandro's friends there. I walked in, feeling completely out of place. I didn't fit in with any of his friends, with the exception of Lilah...and she didn't really count, because she fit in with just about everyone. She'd also been the one to introduce me to Alejandro, so I'd been friends with her before being friends with him. I sat down on the couch, next to Alejandro's chair. He was sitting there, and he immediately reached out and brushed my hair off the back of my neck so he could rub it. It was a very intimate move, and one that Brandon had made hundreds of times before. It made me uncomfortable, especially with a roomful of people paying attention. I felt like every single one of them knew what was going on between us, which made my discomfort that much more acute.

Half an hour later, everyone had left. They were headed to Denny's, then to another friend's house for a party. Alejandro was staying home just to sleep with me, although (except Lilah) they didn't know that. My paranoia was unfounded. It served to underline the part of my brain that was uncomfortable with this situation; however, that part was quickly growing smaller. The rational side of me that was always against the situation was quickly becoming a pleasure-seeking brat, concerned with nothing more than gratification.

The devolution of that rational voice would be my downfall. I just didn't know it yet.

A Shock

2010-06-21T21:00:00.003-04:00

A week later, I was spending a couple days at home. Brandon and I were beginning to hate our job, even with the switch to night shift, and so we'd taken a Thursday and Friday off. We already had that Saturday and Sunday off, so it gave us a nice four day weekend to just decompress. There was only a week left until Thanksgiving, and it was our first one on our own. I was putting a lot of pressure on myself to make sure it went well. The last thing I needed was crazy drama, but things never stayed calm in my family.

We were spending that Friday cleaning the house top to bottom. Between Brandon and I, we were getting things done pretty quickly. We hadn't fought recently, since all of our anger was directed towards our job. With a mutual enemy, there was a lot less fighting and a lot more love and relaxing in our house.

We finally got everything taken care of except the vacuuming, which was my chore. Brandon sat down and turned on the TV, trying to watch over the sound of the vacuum. I was finishing up the living room, manuevering around Lager (who was trying to bite the vacuum) when there was a knock on the front door. I gave Brandon a confused look. We lived in the middle of nowhere, so our friends rarely visited. My parents only lived 2 miles away, but they never knocked. I shut off the vacuum and opened the front door, Brandon right behind me.

There was a man standing on our front porch. I'd never seen him before. A silver Jeep sat on the side of the road next to our yard.
"Um, hello?"
"Hi. Can I use your phone? Our car broke down..." He trailed off as another guy emerged from behind him. This one, I recognized.
"Hey, J." It was my brother, Tim. Without saying a word, I immediately shut the door. Tears welled in my eyes as I fled to our bedroom.

Tim was technically my half-brother. His only full sibling was my half-sister Rebecca, who I no longer spoke to. Tim had fallen on some hard times, so he ended up living with Rebecca. Because Emily still spoke to Rebecca, I had learned that Tim had turned into a drug addict. When that fact came out, I vowed never to speak to him again and made sure my family was aware of that. I hadn't seen or spoken to him in months. Now he was standing on my doorstep and I was confused and upset.

Brandon and my dad found me a few minutes later, sitting in the bedroom closet. Brandon's dresser was inside the closet, and that's where I'd perched myself. I was crying when they entered the room.
"J, what the hell?"
"She didn't want to see him because of his drug problems." Brandon sounded angry, which made me wince. I didn't want him to be mean to my dad.
"I'm sorry, I didn't know that. We'll just leave then." I made a split second decision.
"No." I slid off the dresser and sniffled a bit. "I'll talk to him." Composing myself, I walked back out to the kitchen and opened the front door. My brother was still standing there, talking to my mom, Emily, and his friend. He looked confused and hurt.

"Hi, Tim."
"Hey."
"Sorry about that."
"Yeah...that wasn't exactly the welcome I was hoping for."
"Why don't you guys come in?" I stepped back and everyone walked inside. My brother looked around, his eyes lingering on our framed wedding photos and the plaque Brandon's aunt had purchased us as a wedding gift.
"So...why didn't you tell me you got married, spaz?" He crossed his arms and gave me a mock stern look.
"Because you lived with Rebecca and I didn't want her to know where I was getting married. You know she would've shown up and found a way to make my wedding day about her."
"She's not that bad." I arched an eyebrow.
"That woman tried to stop my wedding because she wasn't invited."
"Ok, she is that bad." The more I talked with Tim, the less I believed he was on drugs. He seemed healthy and was just as funny and charming as always. He and Brandon were chatting and seemed to get along well. I moved over toward my mom.

"What is going on, Mom?"
"Rebecca lied, J...Tim's not on drugs."
"That's why you brought him here?"
"I wanted you to know she was a liar."
"I already knew that...you could've just called."
"He wanted to see you." I turned back to the conversation. Brandon and TJ had moved into the living room, where Brandon was showing off his new 32" flat screen TV. I'd purchased it by getting approved for a store credit card, which we were then using to build up my credit. The TV was Brandon's pride and joy, and I'd even caught him hugging it once.

The rest of us moved into the living room, where we sat and talked for a while. I learned that Tim hadn't even been looking for my parents' house. He had just been driving around looking for a place to camp with his friends and ended up lost. Somehow, they ended up driving right down the street my parents lived on. My parents were outside, cleaning off the front porch of Mom's fall decorations, and Tim had spotted them. It was a one in a million chance, especially since he'd never been to that house.

I invited Tim and his friends to stay at our house, which was much warmer and cleaner than the woods he planned to camp in, but they turned it down. They were looking forward to building a huge fire and drinking themselves silly around it, so they got directions from my dad to the campsite they were looking for and left. We'd made plans to go to breakfast the next day.
"J, you have to tell him what Rebecca said about him."
"I don't really want to get involved, Mom. Especially since it's an obvious lie."
"Wouldn't you want to be told?"
"Probably..." I had to admit, she was right. I would want to be told. But I wasn't about to admit that.
"You know Rebecca's on drugs, right?"
"Not surprising."
"When I told her why you hated her, she didn't even remember it...she didn't remember taking her spawn to Knoebels, missing your graduation, or the fact that she promised you she'd be there. The entire thing was a blank to her."
"Wow."
"Yeah, Tim says she's been abusing prescription medication pretty heavily."
"Again, not surprising. She's a terrible person."
"Yeah, she is."

The next morning, we got up and located Tim and his friends. They were still picking up their campsite, so I squeezed in a shower while we waited. Half an hour later, I was dressed and ready and everyone was pulling into the driveway. Brandon and I put Lager in the bedroom and then went out to meet them. We chatted for a few minutes and then headed to the restaurant. The place we went to was one of our favorite buffet style places, and their breakfast buffet was second to none.

We spent the breakfast catching up with Tim, who had gone through a lot since we had last spoken. He confirmed that Rebecca was abusing drugs. She'd apparently developed an addiction since a back injury she'd suffered, and was now buying them from dealers on the street. I also admitted to him that my cold welcome was because Rebecca had lied and told us he was the addict. He was understandably angry, but couldn't do anything about it. He was still dependent on her for a place to live until he could find a more secure job.

We hung out for a little bit after breakfast, and then they had to leave. His friend Erik had work that night. At the door, I gave him a hug.
"You have to get away from Rebecca. Also, you should come back and visit."
"I'll try to do both." He then said goodbye to Brandon and the rest of the family. When he was done with his goodbyes, he headed to the Jeep and they pulled out of my driveway.

I watched the Jeep leave with a conflicted mind and heavy heart. I'd almost let Rebecca's twisted lies ruin my relationship with my brother, who I'd always loved.

When was I going to stop letting others influence my thoughts and actions?

Bad Memories

2010-06-19T20:00:00.001-04:00

Brandon returned an hour and a half later. I was sitting on the couch with Lager, who seemed entirely unfazed by everything. He still jumped up to greet Brandon when he walked through the door, which set me off all over again. Without letting him speak, I exploded.
"Look at how much he loves you!" Lager was standing beside Brandon, his tail slicing broad strokes through the air. Brandon looked down at him. "He thinks you're the best thing in the entire world and you treat him like shit! So he tore the stupid blanket...who gives a shit? You could've hurt him! You almost hurt me." I pulled my arms tight across my chest, glaring at him. After a moment, he spoke.
"I know, babe...I'm sorry." He walked to the couch and sat down. I could tell he had been crying, which made me less furious. Brandon rarely ever cried.
"You need to apologize to Lager first." Lager had followed Brandon over and was standing between the couch and loveseat. His tail started wagging again at the sound of his name and I suddenly longed to be as happy as he was. The dog seemed to have the memory span of a goldfish, and bad things rolled off his back. I adored him even more for it.

Brandon petted Lager's head and then looked at me.
"You know I never would've punched you, right?"
"That's not how it seemed." I knew he was right, but didn't feel like admitting it. Instead, I wanted him to hurt...as immature as it was, I was twisting the knife.
"I'd never hurt you, babe."
"Your temper says otherwise."
"It was my training."
"What are you talking about?"
"Karate." He and Trent had been in karate when they were younger. "It was an unconscious reaction...when I realized what I was about to do, I stopped."
"I know you did. But we need to talk about this anyway."

He nodded and we began to talk. I finally got him to acknowledge his issue.
"The noises Lager makes annoy me. They're like a drill through my brain." Brandon had always been super sensitive to noise, especially the sound of chewing. Lager ate and drank very loudly, as well as whining quite often. I was able to tune it out, but it wasn't so easy on Brandon. The more noise Lager made, the more he aggravated Brandon. Brandon couldn't separate the dog from the noise, so he turned his hatred of the noises into hatred toward the dog.
"That's not healthy...we should really look into that."
"Ok."
"But you still screwed up..." My tone turned to cold steel. "And if you EVER touch my dog like that again, I will not hesitate to hurt you. If you think I'm joking, try me." Lager was staring at me, his head cocked. He wasn't used to that tone of voice, since I usually used cute baby voices when talking to him. (I know, I know...but it's unstoppable with him!)
"Ok, babe...I'm sorry." I nodded, and he turned on the TV. We left things at that, even though I felt like things weren't resolved. His problem with Lager had been a complete revelation, but I knew there was more there.

---------------------------------------------------

Two weeks later, I was laying in Alejandro's bed, preoccupied by Brandon's behavior. Alejandro was sitting in his green leather chair, having a post-sex cigarette. I rolled over onto my stomach and propped myself up on my elbows. Part of me knew I shouldn't open up the conversation, but I needed someone to talk to. As much as I loved my family, I wasn't comfortable talking about my marriage with my mom or sisters. I preferred to confide in my friends, and Alejandro was one of the closest friends I had.
"So, Brandon and I are having some issues."
"What's up?" Alejandro snuffed out the cigarette.
"He hates my dog." He started laughing. "Hey! You know how much I love Lager...this is a huge deal."
"Do you love Brandon?"
"Yes, of course." It felt weird answering that question, considering I was laying naked in another man's bed, but the answer would never change.
"Do you love Lager?"
"Of course."
"So you need to figure out a way to get them to live harmoniously."
"Ooh, big word." It was my turn to laugh. He and I teased each other all the time...it added to the fun of our psuedo-relationship. He climbed back into the bed and laid on his stomach next to me, nudging my shoulder with his.
"Be nice...joking aside, if he loves you as much as he says he does, he'll work with you on this."
"I guess you're right."
"I'm always right."
"Whatever you say." He faked a hurt look at my sarcastic tone, then shoved me onto my side so he could tickle me. We had some fake fighting, which led to round two.

When we were done, we sat against the wall and talked some more. Instead of talking about Brandon, which I felt was a powderkeg waiting to go off, we talked about work. Somehow, that led to a conversation about friends, which led to a conversation about family. Alejandro hated his family and didn't speak to any of them. I loved mine, but had needed therapy to cope with my childhood. When it came down to it, we were both damaged goods.
"Why don't you talk to any of your family?" Alejandro was quiet for a moment, and I was afraid I'd asked something taboo. When he finally started talking, I breathed a quiet sigh of relief.
"They're crazy." He turned his arm and pointed to a small round mark on it. "See this?"
"Yeah...is that a scar?" He nodded.
"Cigarette burn from my older sister." I touched it lightly.
"That is crazy." I didn't want to press him for further details. His eyes, which were already dark brown, had darkened to near black and I could tell the topic upset him. I just sat beside him quietly, waiting. Instead of continuing, he turned the questioning on me.
"What about you? You said you had a rough childhood...was it as bad as mine?" I closed my eyes as the memories began to play. When I opened them, I gave Alejandro a sad smile.
"It's a long story."
"I have all the time in the world." I pulled a comforter tightly around me and started to talk.

The memories I relayed were not happy. I had happy memories, of course...my childhood wasn't all terrible. But the bad memories were the stuff of nightmares, and they'd been haunting me for years. I rarely opened up to anyone about them.

"I lived with a crazy person too...my older sister Alexis. She's got an IQ of 71...by definition, she's mentally retarded." I winced with those words. They were accurate, but "retarded" had gotten such ugly use that I couldn't stand referring to Alexis that way. "It was my grandmother's fault...she neglected my mom, and Mom ended up pregnant at 14. The malnutrition caused Alexis' mental problems." I ran a hand through my hair and continued. "Anyway, she has such a short temper...she used to get angry over the stupidest things. One day, my sister Emily was online...stupid dialup...and Alexis wanted to use the phone. When Emily refused to get offline, Alexis flipped out and started beating Emily. I got her away from Emily, but she just turned on me. To keep her from hurting Emily further, I ran out of the house...I got about two blocks away before she caught up. She was beating the shit out of me on a major road, in front of a line of houses...and not one person stopped or came out to help me. I screamed, but no one cared enough to intervene." My voice broke on the last few words and Alejandro gave me a hug.
"I'm sorry."
"Thanks..." I smiled. "But it's in the past...and honestly, she did worse to me."
"How could anything be worse?" I was quiet for a moment.
"You have a good point...but sexual abuse is definitely worse." His look asked all the questions he was afraid to voice, and my nod answered them. He held me tight for a moment, and then I changed the subject.

We went from serious back to playful, which eventually led to more sex. I finally left to go home around 2 AM, feeling more conflicted than ever.

When was the last time I'd had a deep conversation like that with Brandon?

2010-06-18T19:17:00.001-04:00

New post tomorrow, ladies. They fired one of the office girls at work, so I'm doing a 12 hour day shift today and I'm about to pass out. My head and back are killing me...so I'm just going to go home and soak in a nice bath. I'll post Friday/Saturday posts tomorrow!

J

Brandon and Lager

2010-06-16T21:00:00.001-04:00

My relationship with Brandon continued to devolve over the next month. We'd have a few good days, followed by a huge blowout. We were fighting at least once a week. I felt like he was angry over my relationship with Alejandro, but he always denied having any negative feelings about it. Instead, we fought over things like money, chores, and my beautiful dog.

Lager was the light of my life, but Brandon couldn't stand him. In his opinion, Lager whined too much, chewed too loudly, and drank in an obnoxious manner. He always walked in front of the TV while Brandon was watching it and Brandon was constantly yelling at him. That led to me yelling at Brandon, which led to more fighting.

It was a relief when our schedules diverged for the first time. They had separated the staff in our program into "pods", and each pod had a group of centers in it. They tried to keep them geographical sections, but that didn't always work. The different pods were busy on different days, according to the testing done by the "higher-ups", so our schedules were adjusted accordingly. I was in Pod 5 and Brandon was in Pod 6, which meant our days wouldn't always sync up. As sad as it was to admit, I was okay with that. He was driving me insane, and relaxing at home without him seemed like a good idea.

The first day I got to stay home while he went to work started out normally. It was a cool October day, just a few days shy of my 22nd birthday, and the sky was full of ominous looking grey clouds.
"It's going to rain. Look at those clouds." I was draped across our loveseat with the laptop perched against my thighs. The dark clouds were clearly visible outside our large front window.
"Yeah, it definitely looks like a storm." Brandon looked up from the TV to eye the clouds I was referring to. With that, we went back to our separate tasks. This was how most of our days played out anymore...we woke up, ate, and then I got online while he watched TV. Sometimes we did some chores, walked Lager, or showered...and then went to work at 4 PM. It was the same day in and day out.

That day was the same until he left. I walked outside with him, Lager trailing behind us. I hooked the tie-out to Lager's collar, kissed Brandon goodbye, and then went back inside. I settled down with the laptop again, watching the storm clouds out of the corner of my eye. The last thing I wanted was for Lager to be caught on the porch in a downpour because I wasn't paying close enough attention.

A few minutes passed, and then I saw something dark streak across the front lawn. My head snapped up and I realized it was Lager, tearing back and forth like a crazy dog.
His leash doesn't go out that far. OH MY GOD HE'S LOOSE!

Just like that, I was on my feet. I ran to the door and whipped it open, screaming his name. He stopped in the middle of our yard and looked back at me.

"Lager...come here right now." I pointed at the ground at my feet, using my most menacing voice. Instead of coming to me, he turned toward the road and began to run. At that moment, I spotted the car speeding up the road in his direction. It took less than a second for me to realize that if Lager kept running, he was going to be hit. Everything around me seemed to slow down as I screamed his name one last time.

"LAGER!" I was certain he was going to be killed; pain and desperation were evident in my tone. I sank to my knees on the linoleum floor, my hands balled into fists.

I had already begun to sob when I realized that he had stopped. He was standing a foot from the road. The car flew by, doing well over the speed limit, and Lager just turned around and trotted back to me with his tail wagging. When he got back to me, I wanted to yell. I wanted to make sure he knew his actions were wrong. I wanted to lock him in his crate for punishment. I didn't do any of these things. Instead, I threw my arms around his neck and buried my face in his fur. He just sat there as I cried out my relief, his tail still sweeping back and forth.

When Brandon called me on his first break, I told him about Lager's escapade. I should've kept my mouth shut, but I didn't. His response was exactly what I should've expected.
"How long are you going to put up with him doing this shit, babe?"
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"We should get rid of him. I'm tired of him doing this."
"This time was my fault...I accidentally attached the clip to the ring holding on his tags, not to the one on his collar."
"It doesn't matter...he should know better not to pull himself off the tie-out."
"Are you kidding me? He's a fucking dog. He does what any dog would do...he chases things, runs around...and this cheap little ring isn't exactly strong. It probably popped off his collar with no effort at all." I was holding his tags in my hand, staring at them. I'd found them on the ground, still attached to the clip on the end of the long cable.
"I can't stand that dog."
"I'm sure he can't stand you either." I was wrong, of course. Lager seemed to love Brandon even more than he loved me, a fact that killed me for two reasons. Number one, I loved that dog more than life, and number two, Brandon hated him.
"Whatever, I have to go back to work."
"You do that."

He didn't call the rest of that night, which was fine by me. I relaxed with my dog, who'd had his share of excitement for the day and was content to sleep on the couch the entire night. I noticed his nails were getting long, and made a mental note to mention it to Brandon when he got home...if he wasn't still grumpy.

The car pulled in the drive at 12:30 AM, and I went to greet him. Lager followed behind me, and this time I made sure I had put the clip on the correct loop. He trotted out into the yard to pee as Brandon walked up and gave me a hug.
"Sorry about earlier, babe."
"Thanks, love...can you help me with him?"
"What do you need?"
"He needs his nails clipped."
"Okay." We waited for Lager to finish going to the bathroom, and then brought him inside. I found the nail clippers we'd recently bought and brought them out to the living room. Brandon eased Lager into a laying position, and I lifted his foot. The moment I brought the clippers to his nail, he jerked his foot away. I grabbed it and tried again, with the same result. He apparently hated having his feet touched.

"I have an idea, babe." I watched as Brandon got up and retrieved one of our blankets. It was a fleece Seahawks blanket we'd gotten as a wedding present.
"What are you doing?"
"I'm going to put this over him and use it to hold him down."
"Okay..." I wasn't sure this was going to work. "Actually, could you let me do that? You can clip his nails." Brandon nodded, and we switched places. I laid my body weight on top of Lager, which is why I'd wanted to switch. I weighed less than Brandon, which meant less chance of my baby getting hurt. I nodded to let Brandon know I was ready, and he grabbed Lager's foot. He put the clipper around his nail, and Lager immediately started bucking as hard as he could.

His head connected with my forehead, knocking my glasses onto the floor. I rolled away, and Lager leapt up. He ran across the living room, his ears flat against his head as Brandon screamed at him.
"LAGER, YOU STUPID DOG!"
"Leave him alone, babe!" I had located my glasses, which were badly bent. I slid them on to see Brandon standing next to Lager, who was cowering against the wall as Brandon kicked him in the side. Fury coursed through my entire body as I shot up and shoved Brandon away from my dog as hard as I could. Brandon turned toward me, his fist drawn back to punch me.

I sank to my knees, instinctively shrinking away from him. That seemed to wake him up, and he uncurled his fist and crouched down next to me.
"I'm so sorry, love." He reached out to touch me, but I curled into a tiny ball and pulled myself further from him. He sat there for a moment, silence filling the room, and then got up and left the house. I heard the gravel crunch in the driveway as the car pulled away, but didn't uncurl myself until a few minutes had passed. I wanted to make sure he was gone. When I was absolutely certain, I stood up and made my way over to Lager. He was laying on the floor, looking at me with his beautiful brown eyes.

I sat down again, next to him, and cried into his fur for the second time that night.

2010-06-16T12:47:00.003-04:00

Two things...first, Lager is fine. We had a setback in his course of treatment on Monday that was pretty depressing to me, but mostly Monday's post didn't get finished because of work. My job is now more stressful than ever, with people quitting left and right and not enough guys to get the work done. It's driving me insane. I'm working on the post right now, and it's scheduled for 9 PM today.

Second...to the very inventive commentor who claimed I posted a comment on another blog saying that this hiatus was because I was "bored", you should be ashamed of yourself. Number one, the only other blog I post comments on is the Karen Chronicles, and number two, I'd NEVER write anything like that. I love writing this blog, love my readers, and LOVE my dog more than life itself. I'd never lie about something this major, especially where it concerned my dog, and I would've thrown myself in front of the SUV to prevent him from being hurt, had it been possible. Lager is the center of my world, much like a child to me, and I'd prefer your wild and stupid accusations be kept off my blog. Also, I moderate all of my own comments now, so nice try.

Post up tonight, guys, and thank you SO SO SO much for your patience and kind words! I can't even explain how much it's meant to me and my Lager dog, even if he doesn't understand what you all said...I read him every word. He just looked at me, though.

J

2010-06-08T15:18:00.002-04:00

Sorry for the lack of an update, ladies. I haven't been posting because my Lager was hit by a car. The blog has been the farthest thing from my mind. He lived, but please bear with me.

**********EDIT**********

Now that I have a chance to sit down and relax a bit, I figured I'd fill you guys in on what's going on. Lager got out of my house the other day (I live along a major state route) and was struck by an SUV. I was in the kitchen making dinner and had left the front door open. The screen door was shut and locked, but that flimsy lock was no match for Lager when he saw another dog. The woman across the street was walking her black lab puppy and he went crazy. He managed to get the door open and took off. I heard screaming and yelping, so I ran outside...I didn't even realize he'd gotten out until I heard the noise. I saw my baby in the middle of the state route, laying on his face. Neither of his front feet would support him.

I got him to the vet right away and learned that he hadn't broken anything, but that his left front leg had severe nerve damage. The other paws escaped with nothing more than road rash, and he had a gash under his eye. His left side had been hit by the SUV's bumper, so his liver numbers were high as well.

The vet wanted to do steroid therapy to reduce the inflammation around the nerves to see if he'll regain use of his leg. The only other option, if the steroids don't work, is amputation. However, with the abnormal liver tests, they were unable to start the steroids right away. They kept him for a few days until his numbers fell back into normal range, and I was finally able to bring him home today. He's doing much better, but still walking with a hopping limp. He needs to have laser therapy treatments at the vet twice a week for about 6 weeks (also the length of time he's taking the steroids), but we're hoping he'll heal up with nothing but a slight limp on that leg.

I know I should've updated you guys sooner, but Lager is basically like a child to me...he's the center of my universe and an accident like this one has been my biggest nightmare since I moved. Please be patient while I try to find the strength to write again...I've fallen into a funk because of the guilt I feel, even though there was nothing more I could've done to protect my baby.

J and Brandon

2010-06-02T21:00:00.003-04:00

Working together was beginning to change things for Brandon and I. At first, it had been nice. I enjoyed having someone who actually understood the aggravation of the job we shared. Talking to angry people all day did take a toll on you, and we were able to rant to one another to relieve the stress. However, the more time we spent together, the more annoyed we became. Living together and working together meant we were with one another 24 hours a day unless he had to work at the adult store, and even that was a short reprieve. I loved him, and he loved me, but there was absolutely such a thing as too much time together.

We started taking our breaks separately at work. I always took mine when Alejandro took his, going outside to chat with him while he smoked. Our conversations were always playful and full of flirting. Occasionally, we talked about our next meeting. However, we kept things quiet and stopped talking about it if anyone else walked out. It was common knowledge that Brandon and I were married and that Alejandro was a friend of ours. No one needed to know just how friendly I was with him, especially in a place like our workplace. The gossiping there was worse than high school. I trusted Felicia (the only person who knew exactly what was going on) to stay quiet. However, it ended up being someone else I had to worry about.

Brandon and I had become friendly with one of our supervisors, a guy named Lane. The other supervisor, John, was a huge jerk. No one liked him. Everyone on our shift was very nice, and we became fast friends with them as well. When the 4 to midnighters arrived, there was always a rush to get the seats closest to Lane. He was funny and permissive with us, usually allowing us to flaunt the rules that said we couldn't have our cell phones, MP3 players, or even books at our cubicles. With his help, we'd created a Bingo game and played it on slow nights.

The day Brandon screwed up, we'd managed to get seats in a little cubicle triad right next to Lee's desk. Our friend Maria sat in the third one when she arrived at 4:30 PM. The night was super slow and the three of us sat on our desks (also against the rules), chatting with Lane. We were bantering playfully when Alejandro walked by going back to his desk from his lunch. He lifted a hand to wave at me, and I returned the wave.

"Is that a friend of yours?" Lane watched him walk over to his program and sit down before turning back to face me.
"Yeah, Brandon and I met him forever ago through a friend of ours."
"I always wondered about this, so don't get offended or anything...but is he gay?" I raised an eyebrow at Lane's question.
"No, he's definitely not gay." It was Lane's turn to raise an eyebrow.
"You sound like you know that from experience, J." He was obviously joking, his tone of voice making it completely clear, but what happened next was far from a laughing matter.
"Oh, she does." I turned to Brandon, a look of shock on my face. The matter of fact way he'd said it (not to mention my reaction) left no question that he was serious. Lane and Maria were now staring at me with the same shocked look I was displaying. I had been rendered entirely speechless, and was stammering and blushing. Their shocked look changed to an amused, knowing look as I struggled to find my voice. Finally, I was able to speak.
"Babe!" That one hissed syllable was all I could manage. I turned back to my computer and angrily clicked myself into personal time. Doing the same on Brandon's computer, I dragged him over to the corner by the lockers.

"What in the hell made you think that was a good idea to say?!"
"I don't know."
"Well, thanks to you everyone we work with is going to know what's going on."
"Only two people heard it...Lane and Maria."
"Maria I trust...but Lane is a HUGE gossip."
"I don't think he'll tell anyone." I rolled my eyes, wondering how he could be so naive. Instead of responding, I walked back to my cubicle and sat back down. Maria immediately leaned over.

"Was Brandon serious? I mean, I think he was...but was he?" With a sigh, I nodded.
"Yes, he was." I turned to her, giving her a serious look. "Please don't tell anyone."
"I won't...but you need to be careful, J."
"I know. Don't worry about me, I've got this under control." She looked at me like she didn't quite believe me, and I didn't blame her. I almost didn't believe me. However, I always prided myself on my ability to keep things under my control. As my mom had once put it, I had my life by the balls and everyone else was just along for the ride. I took it as a compliment, even if she hadn't meant it that way. This situation had spun out of my control, but I was still deluding myself into believing it wasn't.

However, Maria didn't push the issue and I was grateful to her for knowing where to stop. Lane didn't have that. He immediately started questioning me when I turned away from Maria. I deflected his personal questions as best as possible, but he already knew everything he needed anyway.

Within a week, almost everyone on our shift was asking me questions about my relationship with Alejandro. I refused to answer them, because they were of an incredibly personal nature, but the damage was already done. The word had gotten out that I had a sexual relationship with him. It was all anyone wanted to talk about. I was furious with Brandon for leaking the information, especially when we learned it had been Lane who told everyone else.

Add that to the fact that we were growing sick of one another, and it was a huge mess.

--------------------------------------------------

Alejandro was one of my closest friends, so he was the one I went to about my relationship issues. I would complain to him during break about our latest argument, and he'd just nod and listen. I appreciated it greatly. One day, Brandon and I had gotten into a huge fight just before work. Lager had run off after a squirrel when we went to let him out, and we ended up being late because we had to chase him and bring him home.

Brandon hated Lager. He found him annoying and couldn't stand it when he whined or basically did anything. I, on the other hand, adored the dog more than life itself. I made sure Brandon was aware of this. I also made sure he was aware that if he forced me to give Lager up, a divorce would follow soon after. Maybe I was being a little bullheaded, but my parents had gotten rid of every dog I'd ever loved and I wasn't letting it happen to Lager.

Later that night, we were still frosting each other out. He was insisting that if Lager escape into the woods one more time, we had to get rid of him. I was standing firm in my insistence that forcing me to get rid of Lager would mean the dissolution of our marriage. When Alejandro went out on his break and motioned for me to follow, I wasted no time.
"Lane, I'm taking a break." Lane looked at Alejandro's back as he walked away, then looked back at me with an amused look.
"Ok, J." He watched as I put myself in break time and strode away. It would've been obvious to anyone watching that I was angry.

I got outside and found Alejandro standing in the corner, already smoking a cigarette.
"Hi, J...you look beautiful today."
"Thanks." It had gotten cooler as October wound down, and the fall air had been especially brisk that day. I'd opted for a long-sleeved teal sweaterdress with black leggings and boots. I was feeling pretty good about my outfit, and his compliment made me love it even more.
"So what's going on? You look upset." His inquiry was all it took...I immediately lauched into a diatribe about Brandon trying to make me get rid of Lager. For the next few minutes, Alejandro just stood there and smoked and listened. When I fell silent, he took a drag on his cigarette and then gave me a hug. "J...if you're so unhappy, why don't you leave Brandon?"

The question floored me. No matter how much Brandon and I fought, I never seriously considered divorce an option. I had threatened to leave if he made me get rid of Lager, but made sure he knew that I'd still love him. When he had asked why I'd leave if I loved him, I told him I wouldn't be willing to stay with someone who didn't consider my feelings. His annoyance with Lager was minor, stupid stuff...my love for him was deep and devoted. Owning Lager for 8 months had completely changed my life.

Alejandro just leaned against the wall, lighting another cigarette while I let my thoughts run wild. Finally, I sighed.
"I don't know. I never seriously considered divorce."
"Why not?" I shrugged in response. I didn't know it then, but my next words would define the way this entire situation played out.

"Because I don't want to live my life without him."

Hi, guys!

2010-06-02T17:22:00.002-04:00

So lots of people have been discussing this in the comments, and I felt the need to speak up. I'm going to try to explain this the best I can without giving away the future of the blog.

When you're in a situation like J is right now, logic and reason have no place. J has, in the past, been able to separate love and sex. There is a big difference between the two, and you can have one without the other. However, when J got into this situation and thought she'd be able to separate them again, she failed to take into account that this was someone she already cared deeply for. By the time she realized what was happening between she and Alejandro, she was too afraid of hurting him to pull away.

I (since I am J) have always been afraid of hurting anyone's feelings. Even if I don't like them, I don't want to be mean to them...so it makes it worse when it is one of my friends.

Basically, this situation snowballed. At first J was doing it to make Brandon happy, then she kept doing it to make Alejandro happy, and by the time she realized what was happening (denial is a powerful force) she was in over her head with no easy way out.

Honestly, this situation turns into a mess and it hurt so badly. But it'll make for good reading.

J

J and Alejandro

2010-05-31T21:00:00.003-04:00

**I hope everyone had a wonderful Memorial Day weekend! I had a huge party Saturday (not for Memorial Day, just for the sake of getting together with friends and getting drunk) and a barbecue on Sunday (for Memorial Day). I'd like to take this chance to thank all the current members and the veterans of the Armed Forces, especially my wonderful uncle (Navy) and my high school friend (Army)! You guys rock! <3**

Two weeks later, I was getting ready to leave for Alejandro's house for another hang-out session. The three of us had figured out some ground rules, and so began our psuedo-relationship. However, I was blindsided when Brandon had informed me that he wouldn't be going with me that day.

"What do you mean 'I'm not going.'?!" I hooked finger quotes when I repeated his statement, playing off the fact that I was quite alarmed.
"I don't really feel like going, love. I didn't get as much out of the whole situation as you did."
"So I'm going alone?"
"Yeah. Is that okay?" I was immediately nervous.
"I suppose it's okay...are you sure you're 100% about this, babe?"
"Yes, I am." He pulled me down onto the couch and gave me a long kiss. "Just go and have fun."

So I left, my stomach doing backflips. I couldn't believe I was doing something like this. I got to his house about half an hour later and walked inside. His friend Thomas was sitting on the couch in his bedroom.
"Hi, Thomas."
"Hi, J." He gave me a glance that made me suspect that he knew why I was there. I felt awkward and out of place until Alejandro walked in from the bathroom. He gave me a huge smile and I relaxed immediately. I moved toward him and gave him a huge hug.
"Hey, Alejandro!"
"Hey." He kissed my cheek and then moved toward the TV. I sat down on the edge of his bed, sliding my flip flops off and laying them aside. Alejandro found something to watch and then looked pointedly at Thomas. There was an awkward silence and then Thomas slid his boots on.
"Well, I'm going to get out of here. I'm going down to the Emporium for a while."
"Ok, I'll call you when it's cool to come back." I blushed immediately at Alejandro's statement. My suspicion solidified into certainty. Alejandro had told Thomas. I felt a flash of anger until I remembered that I'd told Felicia. I couldn't be mad at him for something I'd done as well.

Once Thomas was gone, Alejandro sat down in his huge green leather chair. He gave me another smile.
"So...what's up?" I laughed. His question seemed stupid, in light of what I was there for.
"Um, nothing."
"That's cool." He ran his fingers through my hair and smiled again. "Are you ready for this?"
"I guess so."
"Good." He stood up and moved onto the bed with me. When he kissed me, all my nerves melted away. There was nothing but that moment in that room with that man.

An hour later, we were done and he was back in his chair having a cigarette. I was laying on my stomach looking at him, my legs bent up at the knees and crossed at the ankles. He eyed my frame and laughed.
"You look amazing like that."
"Shut up, you flatterer." Despite my protest, I blushed. Alejandro was Puerto Rican and had a fiery personality. He had a way of making any girl feel like she was the most amazing thing on the face of the planet, and it worked on me quite well. When I was around him, I felt absolutely beautiful. The way he looked at me didn't hurt either.

Our conversation covered every topic you could imagine. We were already close friends, so we goofed around and our friendly bantering came naturally. The bantering led to teasing, which led to rounds 2 and 3. By the time we were done that night, I was about ready to pass out. He was pretty exhausted as well.
"That was great, J."
"You weren't too shabby yourself."
"Why, thank you." I began the search for my underwear, which had disappeared somewhere under his bed. "Help me find my underwear, would you?" He joined in the search and pulled my bra out from underneath his bed a minute later.
"Found your bra." I took it and put it on.
"Ok, where's my thong?"
"I don't know." For the next five minutes, we tore his room to pieces searching. I eventually found it under a spare comforter shoved into the space at the foot of his bed.
"Seriously, how did it end up under there?"
"I don't know." I slid it on and then got dressed. When I was ready to leave, he walked me down to the car.

"Did you have a good time?" I nodded.
"It was amazing."
"So could we maybe do it again?"
"Yeah, I think we could." The reluctance I had felt before was long gone. Now all I wanted was to continue this.
"When?"
"Maybe sometime next month...I'll let you know." I gave him a hug and then a long kiss. "See you at work tomorrow." With that, I climbed in the car and drove home.

When I got there, Brandon was watching TV. He looked up and gave me a sweet smile, which I returned.
"Hey, babe."
"Hi, love...did you have a good time?"
"Yeah, it was great."
"That's good." He held out his arms and I laid down on the couch next to him for a moment before extricating myself.
"I'd love to snuggle, but I need a shower. I smell like cigarettes." The smell of smoke was clinging to my clothes and my hair, and I needed to get it off of me.
"Ok, love...see you in a bit." I grabbed a towel and headed to the bathroom. I took a long hot shower, luxuriating in the feel of the hot water. I was still reeling from my visit with Alejandro, and the heat and steam served to calm me down. When I got out, I wasn't surprised to realize that I was exhausted.

I dragged Brandon into the bedroom for a before-sleep session and then passed out. My dreams were fragmented and full of weird images. Alejandro was in most of them.

--------------------------------------------------

A few weeks later, Brandon and I had settled into a routine. The alarm went off at 7:30 AM. I set the coffeemaker to automatically brew and filled it every night, so we had fresh coffee by the time we woke up. We let Lager out, had breakfast and coffee, and left for work by 8:20. That put us there by 8:50 AM, which gave us a few minutes to get drinks from the machine before clocking in at 9.

However, Brandon hated mornings and was getting increasingly grumpy about getting up. He also hated the job, which was normal. He didn't want to leave because we needed the money, but it had gotten to the point where we were calling off more and more often. Something needed to be done.

We fixed the situation by putting in for a transfer to the 4 to midnight shift. I had never done night shift before, but I also hated getting up in the morning and would love to sleep in. When it came down to it, Brandon and I were just night people. Our transfer was approved and we started our new shift. Brandon was thrilled because he got to sleep in until noon, and I was thrilled as well. I played it off like sleeping in was the reason I was excited, but the truth was that Alejandro worked the 2-10 PM shift and our new shift gave me more time to hang out with him at work. However, I was in denial about that, refusing to even admit it to myself.

I knew the way I felt about him was dangerous, but I ignored it. It was just a crush and I believed myself to be more than capable of separating love from sex, especially when there wasn't any love. I should've listened to my intuition, but the situation had already spiraled out of my control.

Even if had wanted to end it, it was too late now.

Bad Ideas

2010-05-28T21:00:00.002-04:00

Brandon and I said very little about our experience in the days after it was done. We were too worried about money to care about anything else. One day, we were both off and I was crunching the numbers while he watched TV. Things weren't looking promising. Finally, I laid my pad down with a sigh.
"Babe, I think you need a new job."
"What?"
"You're not really getting enough hours at work, and we really need more income."
"But I love my job, I don't want to quit." He was Lenny's right hand man, and I couldn't imagine making him quit.
"I know, babe...but unless Lenny can guarantee you 40 hours a week, we just aren't bringing in enough money."
"Maybe I could get a second job." I nodded in agreement.
"Lenny would be kind enough to work around whatever schedule you'd end up with, and the extra money would be great."
"Where should I look?"
"Maybe you could come down to the call center...they're always hiring."
"Ok, I'll go down tomorrow."

True to his word, Brandon applied the next day. He was hired on the spot and asked to report for training the following Monday. He was going to be on the same program I was on. I was naturally thrilled...it meant we'd get to spend so much more time together. As it was, with me getting home in time for him to leave at work and him getting home long after I'd gone to sleep, we were barely spending any time together.

It was starting to take a toll on our relationship.

--------------------------------------------------

Monday came, and I got to sleep in for an extra hour. Brandon's training class was going between 10-6, and so they were allowing me to sync my schedule with him. I was thrilled about the whole thing, because I absolutely loved sleep. Unfortunately, arriving an hour later meant I lost my normal seat next to Dane. It had been taken by Rod, who I'd had a falling out with over his terrible work ethic. He had found a way to sign out of his caller without actually signing out, so he wasn't taking any calls at all during the day. This put all the calls he would've taken onto the rest of us, making us quite busy. He didn't bother hiding his trick from the rest of us, and at first it was funny. But after one very hectic day where he sat back and did nothing, I had finally reached the end of my patience and made a complaint. It didn't take long for word to get to him about me making the complaint (nothing was private at that place), and he immediately hated me.

I found another seat with an empty one next to it and waited for Felicia to arrive. She was doing the 11-7 shift, so she got in an hour after I did. When I saw her come in, I gave her a wave and she immediately made her way over to me.
"What are you doing over here?" She sat down and clocked in.
"Rod is in my seat...I didn't get here until 10."
"Why?"
"Brandon started training today and his class runs 10-6. Terri is letting me come in on that schedule for the next two weeks."
"Oh, ok." She logged in to the system and we settled in to our work, chatting back and forth between calls.

At 1:30, I was told to take lunch. I was upset, because I had wanted to take lunch at 2 with Brandon instead of 1:30 with the 9-5 crew, but I did it anyway. I was sitting in the lunchroom, chatting with Dane, when Alejandro walked in. He spotted me immediately and made a beeline for our table.
"Uh oh." I sighed a bit. I wasn't happy about the way my heart skipped a beat when I saw him.
"What's wrong?" Dane looked concerned, but I didn't have time to respond.
"Hi, J." Alejandro sat down next to me, moving his chair as close as possible. "What's up?"
"Nothing, you?" I was smiling despite my brain admonishing me. Seeing him made me happy.
"Nothing." He looked at Dane. "What up, man?"
"Nada." I dug back into my sandwich as they chatted about nothing. When I was done, Alejandro gave me a glance.
"I have a few minutes until I have to clock in...want to come outside with me?" He waggled a pack of cigarettes to illustrate his question.
"I guess." I tossed my trash away and followed him outside. He leaned against the wall and lit a cigarette, and I positioned myself downwind so I wouldn't inhale the smoke.

"So...what's up?" I shrugged in response.
"Nothing, really."
"Awesome."
"Yeah, it's totally great."
"I heard your man was starting here today."
"He's in training...actually, he should be coming out for lunch in a few minutes."
"Cool...cool." He tapped ash off the end of his cigarette, took a long drag, and then got to his real point. "So about last week..." I felt the blood drain out of my face when he said that. "Was that a one time occurance, or is there a chance we could get together again?"
"I think it was a one time thing."
"Oh...that's a shame."
"Yeah. Well, I'm going to go in, I'll see you later." I gave him a hug, careful to avoid his cigarette, and then scanned my keycard and disappeared inside without another word.

I stayed out a few minutes past my half hour lunch period so I could talk to Brandon. Alejandro had already gone onto the call floor and clocked in. We chatted for a few minutes about how boring training was, and then I went back to work.

Felicia and I chatted the rest of the day away and 6 PM finally came. I clocked out, found Brandon, and we left. On the way home, I mentioned my conversation with Alejandro to Brandon.
"He actually asked if it was a one time thing or if we'd be able to do it again!" I was laughing, but Brandon wasn't. "Oh, come on, babe...don't get all jealous, it was hilarious."
"I'm not getting jealous, love...I'm considering something." I didn't like the sound of that.
"What are you considering?"
"Well...Alejandro is single and lonely...and you had a really great time. Who's to say we can't continue?"
"Really?"
"Yeah, I don't see why."
"I'll think about it."
"Didn't you have a great time?" I hesitated to answer. While it was true that I'd had an absolutely awesome time and that Alejandro was fantastic in bed, I didn't see how this was a good idea so early in our marriage. However, in a situation like this, reason was thrown out the window. The irrational, pleasure seeking part of my brain was screaming louder than my reason ever could, and my next words shocked even me.

"Yeah, I did...I guess we could do it again and see what happens."

The Next Day

2010-05-27T21:00:00.004-04:00

The next day, I went to work like normal. It was a warm day, considering it was late September, and I was excited.
"The fair starts today, guys!!!" I didn't even give anyone a chance to say hello to me before spouting that.
"Actually, it starts tomorrow." I took a chair next to Dane and rolled my eyes at him.
"Silly Dane...you must not go on the best day."
"Why would you go before it opened?"
"Because it's free. And because the food stands are open, and that's all that matters." I laughed when Carrie said that, because it was exactly what I'd been thinking.
"That's why, Dane." He nodded in understanding.
"I absolutely love going there and walking around before it opens...we get a ton of food, but aren't pressured by the carnies to spend money on their ridiculous games."
"What about the rides?"
"Most of them are open, but WHY would you want to ride a fair ride?"
"They're fun." I laughed at him.
"And dangerous."
"But fun."
"Either way, you guys all have to come tonight...it's going to be fun!"
"You and Brandon are going?"
"Yup, just have to swing by the bank and cash my check, then it's home to change and get him and then we're headed back here for the fair."
"Awesome...I'm in." Dane smiled. "It sounds like fun." Marcie stood up in the cubicle across from me.
"I live a block from the fairgrounds...you guys can park at my house and we can all walk over together, if you want."
"Does that mean you're in?"
"Oh, totally." I laughed.
"Yay!"

The day wound down as slowly as possible as I stared at the clock. We got Felicia in on our plan to go to the fair, so it was going to be me, Brandon, Dane, Felicia, Marcie, and Marcie's son Micah. I was so excited that time seemed to stand still. Felicia and I spent the day across the cubicle wall from one another, chatting and writing in a small notebook. When we'd been in high school together, we had notebooks we traded back and forth and filled with notes to one another. Since talking over the cubicle walls was discouraged at work due to noise, we implemented the same thing there.

In our private notebook, I shared the details of the previous afternoon. Her response was not exactly what I'd expected.

How big is he?

I had to suppress a giggle at this. We'd been friends since 10th grade, so I had no problem sharing details like that with her. I knew I could trust her to keep her mouth shut, so I responded.

9 inches.

I handed the notebook back and got a quickly scribbled response a moment later.

9 INCHES?! I'm jealous. I would kill to be you right now.

Don't get too jealous...I'm so sore I can hardly stand.

Still.

Doesn't matter, it was a one time thing and it's done with.

Did you have fun?

Absolutely.

That's all that matters.

Yeah, I guess. Definitely coming to the fair with us tonight?

From there, the writing turned to less emotionally fertile topics. I was a lot touchier about what had happened than I expected, and it was really starting to get to me. I just wanted to put it behind me and move on.

5 PM finally rolled around and, like always, we fled the building. Out in the parking lot, we all took Marcie's address and made plans to meet up there at 6:30 PM. I climbed into the Nissan and took off, headed for the bank.

Once my check was cashed, I set aside the part that was earmarked for bills. I still had over $100 left, which was a pretty good haul for the fair. I headed home and then went inside to change.
"Hi, babe!" Brandon was laying on the couch with Lager and looked up when I walked in.
"Hey, love...ready to go to the fair?"
"Yeah, who's all going?"
"You, me, Felicia, Dane, Marcie, and Marcie's son Micah."
"Sounds awesome...are you going to change?" I nodded.
"Business casual doesn't fly at the fair." I went into our bedroom and stripped out of my dressy work clothes. In their place, I donned my favorite pair of jeans and a yellow sweater. Sliding my feet into yellow flip-flops, I walked back out into the living room. "Ok, I'm good to go." We put Lager in the bedroom, where he curled up on the bed and promptly fell asleep. Brandon locked the door as we walked out. We got into the car, where I called Felicia.

"Hello?"
"Hey, Felly."
"Hey."
"We're leaving now...you said you wanted me to call?"
"Yeah...I'll leave in a few minutes, that way we're there around the same time."
"Ok, sounds good." And it did. It was quite logical. However, logic always had a way of failing around Felicia, and that night was no exception.

We got to Marcie's house at 6:28 PM. Dane was already there, looking through her extensive collection of movies. Her husband, who was not a social person and was hanging out with his best friend that night, was a huge Star Wars nerd and it was obvious in their living room. There was Star Wars memorabilia everywhere. While Brandon looked around, I went onto the porch and called Felicia.
"Where are you?"
"I don't know!"
"Seriously?"
"Yeah, I got lost."
"Wow...hold on." I walked back into Marcie's living room. "Marcie?"
"Yeah?"
"Felicia is lost...can you give her directions?"
"Sure." Marcie took my cell phone and I heard her ask Felicia a few questions. Once she figured out where she actually was, she gave her directions to get to her house. A few minutes later, she handed back my cell phone. "She should be here in a few minutes."
"Sounds good." Sure enough, Felicia pulled up two minutes later. Once she'd locked up her car, we all donned hoodies against the night's encroaching chill and began our walk. The air was ripe with the scent of autumn, which thrilled me. Autumn was my favorite season, and that smell resonated along every nerve in my body. Brandon took my hand and I smiled at him. I couldn't remember ever being happier.

Of course, things change all the time, and that was no exception.

--------------------------------------------------

We got to the fair a few minutes later and headed in. I made a beeline for the nearest stand selling food, and that began our indulging. Two hours later, I'd eaten two orders of deep fried Oreos, a funnel cake covered in chocolate pudding, a gyro, an order of onion rings, a slice of pizza, and shared Brandon's Bloomin Onion. The night was full of delicious food, great company, and a bunch of fun. Brandon and I had an old-timey Western photo taken, which came out amazingly, and Marcie and her son had a caricature done. We hit the Candy Kingdom, which was my heaven. It was a huge tent filled with tables that were filled with bins of candy. I always went and stocked up on way too much junk food. After a stop there, we moved into the rides. Against everyone's better judgement, our group climbed aboard the Tilt-a-Whirl.

The guy started it, and I immediately started yelling. Brandon and Felicia were in with me, and they were throwing themselves from side to side to spin our little cart.
"OH MY GOD, DON'T DO THAT!"
"WHY NOT?!" Brandon also had to yell to make himself heard over the machinery.
"BECAUSE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH!"
"WHOSE FAULT IS THAT?"
"YOURS!" Despite myself, I started laughing. The ride was making me nauseous and giving me a mild headache, but it was intoxicatingly fun. Once it was over, we all climbed down and I took deep breaths of the crisp fall air. It immediately settled my stomach, but the headache lingered. I was chilly and my thighs had a strange prickly sensation. I turned to Brandon. "Babe?"
"Yeah?"
"I think I'm getting hives."
"Are you?" I nodded. My mom, sister, and I suffered from cold urticaria. In cold temperatures, I broke out in hives on my upper thighs.
"Yeah."
"That's not good."
"No." The hives signaled that it was time to go, so we all started walking back to Marcie's house. There, we got into our cars and left. Brandon, Dane, and I were actually headed to Alejandro's house to hang out. Dane followed behind our Nissan in his Honda, and we were at Alejandro's place within a few minutes. I immediately strode upstairs, gave Alejandro a hug, and then climbed under the covers on his bed. A few minutes later, I tossed my jeans to the side.

"Um...J?" Alejandro was looking at me funny. "I wasn't aware this was that type of social call."
"It's not, you spaz. I have to check and see if I have hives." I explained to him my sensitivity to cold and he nodded.
"Ah."
"Which is why I'm under the covers...the last thing I need is everyone seeing my butt." I checked my thighs, which had turned a shocking pink and started to swell. They were definitely breaking out. I pulled the thick comforter tightly around them to warm them up, and the prickly feeling began to subside. A little bit later, I was able to pull my jeans back on. My timing was good...quite a few other people had shown up and were packing themselves into Alejandro's bedroom. His room was the unofficial living room in the small one-room apartment...Lilah and her boyfriend Pete occupied the actual bedroom.

Twenty minutes later, we were all sitting around watching them play one of the Grand Theft Auto games. Lilah was holding the controller, her little video game person driving around in an ice cream truck running people over. Drinks had been poured, and there was some definite pot smoking going on. I had a screwdriver when drinks were offered, but I wasn't even offered some of the weed. Everyone knew that I didn't do that stuff...I didn't care if they did, but I didn't. I sat as far away from them as I could while they did, just to avoid the smell.

A few drinks (and in some cases, hits) later, everyone was pretty loose and loud. Brandon was still stone sober, being that he was the one who had to drive home, so he was just watching the rest of us with something close to amusement on his face. He began whispering in my ear, and motioned Alejandro over as well. The conversation was mostly between the two of them, since I was giggling like a madman. Ten minutes later, the three of us were on our way back to our house.

We got back to the house and went through a replay of the previous night. Only this time, Brandon didn't join in nearly as much and actually left Alejandro and I alone for most of it.

I've since wondered how that night would've happened if Brandon could've seen what was coming.

2010-05-26T23:01:00.003-04:00

Again, I have to apologize. A friend of mine called me freaking out because his girlfriend broke up with him for her ex, so I've spent the last 3.5 hours listening to him cry about it. I can't figure out a nice way to tell him I have to go write (or to tell him that this girl sounds like a bitch), so the post will be late. I'll finish and post it tomorrow, thanks for understanding.

J

Veggie Pizza Recipe

2010-05-25T12:18:00.004-04:00

This post is actually two things...one, an apology. I never wrote a post for yesterday, intending to take my laptop to work and do it there, but my Sunday migraine decided to stretch itself out to a Monday migraine as well. I hit the doc and was given Maxalt...is anyone else familiar with that, and if so, how does it work for you? Luckily, the doctor gave me a sample, because for FOUR of them it's $120!!!!!!!!!! How do the people running the drug companies sleep at night, seriously?

Anyway, the second reason is because someone finally asked for the veggie pizza recipe! I honestly was waiting for this the whole time. One thing you should know...it's not hot pizza, it is a cold dish. But it's absolutely delicious for anyone who loves veggies and ranch and I've loved it since I was 3.

Veggie Pizza

2 sicilian pizza crust, made to package directions
2 packages cream cheese (8 oz), softened
2 packages powdered ranch dressing mix
Shredded cheddar cheese (or any kind you prefer)
Shredded carrots (if you like them)
Diced veggies

The most common veggies to use are tomatoes, cucumbers, celery, broccoli, and cauliflower. They need to be in small pieces for this.

Bake the crust according to the directions on the package, let cool. Mix softened cream cheese with ranch dressing mix until well blended, spread on cooled pizza crust. Top pizza with shredded cheese and vegetables of your choosing.

Eat!

Yeah, it's really easy to make and it's delicious...my mom was actually able to get the kids in my preschool class to eat raw cauliflower with this recipe! It's good for those really hot summer days where you don't feel like having the oven on for long, since you can buy prebaked crusts that only require a few minutes of warming up in the oven to be fully ready. We usually use those, so this takes about 20 minutes at the most.

You should all try it!

(Also, a random number three because my mom called me while I was writing this...does anyone else listen to Slipknot? Because I'm seriously bummed about their bassist dying...I really like them.)

The Dalliance

2010-05-22T21:00:00.002-04:00

Brandon got home a few minutes after two and walked in with a huge smile.
"Hey, babe."
"Hey."
"You okay?"
"I'm a little nervous." He sat down and wrapped his arms around me.
"It'll be fine, babe...we're going to have a great time." The butterflies in my stomach ignored his assurances and beat their wings even harder.
"I'm sure you're right."

I wasn't sure at all, actually. I had, up to this point in my life, a very limited sex life. I had slept with Russ, but it was quite disappointing and barely even counted. Brandon was (not to be crude) an absolute master. He'd been a virgin when we got together and I was as good as one, so we were able to teach each other pretty well. It worked out for both of us. He and Russ had been the only guys I'd ever been with, and that was okay with me. The idea of being with another man both scared and thrilled me.

However, I'd been given ample time to call it off and I hadn't. Somewhere, deep inside, I realized I wanted to do this.

At 4:30, we got in the car and headed to Alejandro's house. I turned on our MP3 player, which plugged directly into our car via an AUX port, and cranked up the volume. It was only a temporary fix, but the music drowned out the angels and demons waging within my brain. For the short car ride, I was calm (if not a bit terrified). When we got to his apartment, I went straight upstairs without knocking. We'd learned early in the friendship that no one knocked at Alejandro's. If you knocked, everyone upstairs (and there were usually a ton of them) thought you were a cop.
"Alejandro?"
"In the bathroom, hold on!" He came out a minute later and gave me a huge smile. "Hey, what's up?"
"It's 5, dork."
"Oh, it is." I laughed.
"Yeah...ready to go?"
"Yeah, I am." He gave me another heartstopping smile and I rolled my eyes.
"Dork." We went back down the stairs and climbed in the car. I wanted to blare the music again, but decided not to. I set it to an acceptable level and we took off. Alejandro sang along to some of the songs in the back, and I sighed to myself. He could sing...well.

One of my biggest weaknesses was a guy who could sing. Brandon would be the first to admit he couldn't. It was like pulling teeth to get him to even try. But as I listened to Alejandro's singing, I realized one very important truth:

If I wasn't already in love with Brandon, I'd be in serious danger of falling in love with Alejandro.

--------------------------------------------------

We got back to the house, and Alejandro met Lager for the first time. This was often full of jumping and licking and just general happy. The dog loved everyone in the world and thought every human was there to love him. Once Lager calmed down, Alejandro sat down on the couch and relaxed. The three of us talked for a few minutes before Brandon turned to me.
"Babe, do you want to go get ready?"
"Yeah, I guess." I got up off the couch, my hands trembling. The nerves had reached a fever pitch and I could hardly stand. I went into the bathroom and changed into the lingerie set I'd picked out, a hot pink and black lace confection with a built in micro-skirt. It was a holdover from my dancing days. I studied myself in the full length mirror and nodded. I looked good, but that didn't assuage the fear.

I rarely wore makeup, but I broke some of it out today just to delay going back into the living room. I carefully applied a tinted moisturizer to even out my skin tone and then added some black eyeliner to bring out my eyes. I didn't want to do much more than that, so I picked up my brush and started brushing out my long hair with methodical strokes. As I did, I stared at my reflection. My mind was running wild.

Am I really going to do this? If I go back out there in this, it's all over...that's it, there will be no turning back. How did I end up getting myself into this? What happens if this all goes wrong? Did I take my pill last night?

That last thought led to a frantic check of the pack, which was laying on the bathroom windowsill. It showed that I was all caught up, and I heaved a sigh of relief. Just then, Brandon poked his head in.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, why?"
"You've been in here for 10 minutes."
"Oh." He moved into the bathroom and shut the door.
"You look great."
"Thanks...you can go out, I'll be right there." He nodded and walked out, and I resumed staring down my reflection. Brandon was in the kitchen now, talking about vegetable pizza. Alejandro had had it once before, when he and Lilah had visited my mom's house. I walked to the door, sighed, and strode out in my lingerie.
"Yeah, everyone really loves vegetable pizza. My mom got the recipe while I was in preschool and used to make it for the class so the kids would eat their vegetables." Alejandro stared at me the entire time I was talking. When I fell silent, he finally blinked.
"I'll be honest, J. I didn't hear a word you just said."
"Yeah..." I laughed softly, a little less self-conscious about the entire situation. After all, he used to come see me dance, so it wasn't like he hadn't seen me naked already.

There was a few more minutes of conversation and then we all fell silent. The conversation was simply prolonging what was inevitable anyway, so I made the first move.
"I'm going into the bedroom." I stood up and moved toward the bedroom door, painfully aware of their eyes on me. "You two feel free to join me whenever you're ready." With that, I disappeared through the door and pulled it shut behind me. I laid down on the bed and listened carefully to the murmurs on the other side of the door.
"Dude, are you absolutely sure about this?"
"I told you a million times, it's cool. I was the one who asked for this." Brandon laughed. "I mean, if anything, she's the one who isn't sure."
"Well, I'll change that." The door opened, and Brandon and Alejandro came in. They both took a long look at me and then stripped down. What seemed like a millisecond later, I was the only "clothed" one in the room and I realized that this was officially it. What I did now would either make or break this situation.

They stared at me as the moment seemed to stretch out for eternity. It was really more like a few seconds before I reached out to Alejandro. He visibly relaxed and climbed onto the bed beside me. With one last look at Brandon, who nodded, I wrapped my arms around Alejandro and kissed him.

--------------------------------------------------

Two hours later, I lay on our bed with Alejandro on one side and Brandon on the other. I was winded and sore and mildly amused. I felt no different than before, with the exception of the soreness. I turned my head to look at Brandon.
"I'm hungry." He and Alejandro started laughing, as I climbed over Alejandro and stood up. "Let's go eat."
"Okay." The three of us dressed and went out into the living room. Lager was laying on the couch, snoozing, and looked up when we entered.
"I'm going to go have a cigarette, okay?" Alejandro took a pack out of the jacket laying on our couch, and he went outside. I followed him with Lager, hooking him up to his tie-out and watching him run into the yard to pee. The late September evening was chilly, especially since I was in pajama shorts and a tank top.

"So, was that everything you wanted it to be?"
"Yes, absolutely. It was awesome." He lit the cigarette and took a drag on it.
"I have to admit...it was a lot of fun."
"I'm glad you had a good time. I'm thrilled, of course."
"And why is that?" He raised an eyebrow at my teasing tone.
"Because I've always wanted to have sex with a stripper."
"Oh." I wasn't expecting that answer. "Well, I'm glad you got your chance." Lager trotted back up and I unhooked him. "Dinner's inside when you're ready." I walked back inside.

Brandon reached out and grabbed me when I entered. He gave me a kiss and then smiled.
"How was it?"
"Fantastic." I smiled as well. "Nervewracking, though."
"I'm glad you had fun."
"Me too." I took a plate of vegetable pizza and sat down on the couch. Clicking the TV on, I settled in to eat. I was soon joined by Brandon and Alejandro, who had piled their plates with pizza.

A few episodes of the Simpsons (my favorite show) later, we had finished eating and were simply sitting around chatting. It was obvious that the boys wanted something more to happen, and I can't say I was against that. Eventually, the conversation turned that way and we went to the bedroom for a second round.

When that was done, about an hour later, we finally called it a night. I gave Alejandro a kiss goodbye and took a long hot bath while Brandon took him home. When he returned, we went back to the bedroom for our own fun and then relaxed in front of the TV the rest of the night. Despite my nerves and misgivings about the entire situation, things seemed to have turned out just fine. Brandon and I were fine, and Alejandro had been happy.

It was too bad I didn't have the foresight to see how this would all go wrong.

And Alejandro Makes Three

2010-05-21T20:08:00.002-04:00

I went back to work the next day, praying that Alejandro had forgotten our little deal. However, my prayers went unanswered. He got to work at 2 that afternoon, and took his first break at 4. I was an hour from leaving by that point, counting down the minutes as they agonizingly ticked by. I wanted to be anywhere but that cubicle, and spent most of the day lamenting the fact that I'd had to leave Savannah.

I was a Northern girl, born in New Jersey and raised in Pennsylvania. My entire life had been lived in the same small area and I was happy there. It was green in the spring and summer, stunning in the fall, and snowy in the winter; the temperatures fluctuated wildly. Driving twenty minutes to get to the grocery store was normal, as was following large pieces of farm equipment down major roadways and having to wait two days to have a street plowed. It was a way of life...more importantly, it was my way of life. However, I'd found myself completely enchanted with Savannah. The heat and humidity left a lot to be desired, but the city itself was amazing. I had never felt such a longing for a place in my entire life. Part of me believed it had a little to do with the Alejandro situation, but another part felt it had more to do with the history behind the city. The place was just so amazing.

Outside of my daydreaming, things were going along as usual. So when Alejandro walked by for his first break and gave me a little gesture, I unhooked my outbound program and followed him outside.
"So how was Georgia?"
"Beautiful and warm and historical and beautiful."
"You said beautiful twice."
"Alejandro, I can't get over how absolutely gorgeous the city was! I never wanted to leave."
"But then you wouldn't be back here with me." He gave me a lascivious look and I giggled despite myself. I didn't have any feelings for Alejandro outside of normal friendship, but it was nice to be desired.
"This is true."
"Indeed...so, when are we going to get together?" It was bound to come up eventually, but it still filled me with dread.
"I don't know...I'll have to talk to Brandon and get back to you."
"Well, you need to do that...I can't wait much longer."
"Oh really?" He smiled at the amusement in my tone.
"No...it's been a long time."
"How long is long?"
"Since Lil." The unspoken part of his sentence hung in the air. He hadn't been with anyone else since his girlfriend Lillith was killed in a car accident.
"Oh." I didn't think there was anything appropriate to say to that, so I didn't say anything else. There was a brief awkward moment, and then I sighed. "I've got to get back inside, it's almost time to go."
"Ok, I'll see you tomorrow!" He opened his arms for a hug, and I obliged before going in.

That night, I talked to Brandon about it.
"When were you thinking about doing that thing?"
"What thing?"
"You know...the thing. The threesome." It felt weird to even say.
"Oh, I don't know."
"How about the 20th?"
"Does Alejandro have Saturdays off?"
"Yeah, he has all weekend off. We can pick him up when I get off work."
"Ok, sounds good to me." I was trying to put it off for as long as possible. Considering it was only the 2nd, I figured the 20th gave me enough time to either come to terms with it or call it off.

--------------------------------------------------

Alejandro was thrilled when I told him we'd chosen a day. As the days passed and the 20th drew closer, our conversations became more frequent. We talked online and at work quite often, and it was always about our upcoming dalliance. I had ample time to call it off, but chose not to. I was deeply afraid of disappointing Brandon, and also Alejandro. He was lonely and had been looking forward to it, and I just didn't want to let anyone down. My eager to please nature was going to be my undoing, but I let it control me anyway.

Two and a half weeks passed by in what seemed to be the blink of an eye. As the 20th drew closer, my nerves shot into overdrive. I was almost constantly jittery and had a severe case of butterflies. On the 18th, I was enjoying a day off and trying not to think of the situation I'd gotten myself into. Brandon was opening, a 8 am to 2 pm shift, so I was alone in the house. I took advantage of it by cranking some music and cleaning, singing loudly to my uninterested dog. I had opened all the windows to let in some fresh air and, thanks to a lack of screens in several of them, a few wasps had come in as well. Lager was chasing those around the living room, ignoring my singing and my admonitions to stop before he got himself stung.

At 1 PM, the phone rang. I was elbow deep in a pile of neglected dishes and barely heard it over the running water and music. I cursed the phone as I turned the water off. Drying my hands quickly on a spare handtowel, I ran into the living room to grab the phone and mute the laptop. A glance at the caller ID showed a number I'd never seen before. Normally, I ignored calls like this, but this was a local number. I picked up.
"Hello?"
"J?" I felt a funny little tickle in my brain, like I knew the voice on the other line.
"Yes, this is."
"Hey, it's Alejandro."
"Hey, what's up?" I sank down onto the couch, my legs folded beneath me.
"Nothing...work just called and gave me the day off. I was bored."
"Oh...VTO?" Our call center was known for giving people the day off if the call volume was low. Despite the fact that they called it "volunteer time off", it was rarely volunteered. Often, they'd call and tell you not to report for your shift that day. In Alejandro's case, they were doing it as a reward of sorts. He'd been the number one CSR in his program the month before.
"Yeah, I guess." He got quiet, as did I. There wasn't really anything to say. Finally, he broke the silence. "What are you up to?"
"Just getting some cleaning done."
"Where's Brandon?"
"Working until 2."
"Oh, cool."
"Yeah...I was doing the dishes when you called."
"Thrilling."
"I thought so." I laughed.
"So..." He finally got to the point of his call. "I knew you had today off and was wondering if you'd like to get together tonight instead of Saturday."
"Tonight?!" I tried to keep the shock out of my voice. The nerves I'd managed to assuage were back in full force, and I suddenly felt like I was going to be sick.
"Yeah."
"I don't know. I'll have to talk to Brandon."
"Ok, call me back."
"Ok." I hung up and dialed Brandon immediately.

"Babe?"
"Hi, love."
"Alejandro just called...they gave him tonight off and he wants to get together tonight instead."
"Oh...how do you feel about that?"
"Nervous."
"It'll be fine, babe...do you want to do it tonight?"
"I don't know."
"I'm fine with it if you do."
"Let me think about it...I'll let you know."
"Ok, I'll see you in an hour." I hung up and sank into the couch with a heavy sigh. Lager jumped up beside me, having successfully chomped one of the wasps. Despite my fear, all was well. He wasn't stung, and it was dead. The wasp's buddies were now hanging around the top of the window, trying to get out. I didn't bother trying to show them that the bottom was the open part, since they scared the crap out of me. Wrapping my arms around Lager, I buried my face in his fur and inhaled deeply. I loved the smell of dog and it always relaxed me. That day was no exception.

I slowly relaxed and considered the options.

Here's what's up, J. You can get over your nerves, do this tonight, and get it past you...that's your first option. The second is to agonize over it tomorrow and for your entire shift Saturday, do it that night, and get it past you. Either way, the choice is yours. Frankly, I'd cut the nerves off and get it over with as soon as possible.

I hated to admit it, but the rational part of my brain was right. If we did it that night, it'd be over with that much sooner.
"I'll do it." Lager, who had laid down and fallen asleep, opened his eyes and gave me a look full of disinterest. I petted his head with a shaking hand and then called Alejandro back.

"Yo." was his greeting. It made me laugh.
"Hey, it's J."
"I know, I have caller ID."
"Oh. Well, I just wanted to call and tell you that tonight is fine. Brandon and I will be there to pick you up around 5."
"Awesome."
"Yeah...we'll make dinner too, that way the three of us can hang out."
"What are we having?"
"Vegetable pizza sound good?"
"Yes!" My mom had gotten the recipe for vegetable pizza when I was in preschool and used to make it for my class. It was a surefire way to get anyone to eat vegetables, and I'd loved it since I was 3.
"Ok, that's what we're having."
"Great...see you then!" We hung up and I went back to doing the dishes. When they were finally done and the house looked presentable, I went to the bedroom to choose a lingerie set to wear. If I was going to do this, I was at least going to look good. Once I had everything settled, I sat back down. My nerves were consuming me again, but my rational side was rearing her head.

Calm down, J. You've almost got this over with.

Coming Home

2010-05-19T21:00:00.002-04:00

The rest of our dinner at Masato's was strained. Tanya was angry at Trent for being so tactless, and I was angry at Brandon for not sticking up for me. I couldn't believe that he'd had the gall to punch me in the leg instead of telling his brother to stick it. Harlow, in an attempt to smooth things over, had explained to the little girl's mother what had been said before my outburst. The woman was now shooting little glares at Trent, obviously just as offended as I'd been. I had turned normally in my chair, but tilted my body slightly toward Harlow so I could talk to her and ignore Brandon. He laid a hand on my thigh (where he'd just punched me) and tried to apologize, but I pushed his hand off me and ignored him. He hadn't even made a little effort to stand up for me. He hadn't said a single word to Trent.

When the chef lit the grill up, it felt like my already tortured skin was going to melt off my body. I was angry and in pain and wanted nothing more than to go back to the apartment and sleep. Because of this, I was thrilled to leave. I took the styrofoam container of food, which I had barely touched, and fled the place. Harlow was close behind me, but Brandon stuck back a little. I said goodbye to her outside the restaurant and watched as she drove away. Brandon and his family came out a minute later, and we went to the car. He tried to talk to me, but I was still livid and wanted nothing to do with him. We got into the car and made the entire trip in silence.

Back at the apartment, I put my food in the fridge and went to the bedroom to go to bed. Brandon made no effort to follow me, and I was fast asleep by the time he did come in.

--------------------------------------------------

The next day, Sunday, was our last in Savannah. We spent it at the beach with Harlow. I was still upset with Brandon, who had "explained" his behavior that morning as we dressed.

"Babe, I'm sorry I punched your leg, but you know how Trent is. He says whatever comes into his mind without thinking about it."
"That's no excuse. Whether or not he thought about it is a moot point...the fact is that he said it, it was offensive, and you didn't defend me."
"What was I supposed to say?"
"Anything would've been better than the NOTHING you did." With that, I'd grabbed my beach bag and left the room. When he came out a few minutes later, he didn't say a word. That suited me.

We got to the beach on Tybee Island two hours later, after a stop at the grocery store. Harlow told us all about how you couldn't get alcohol in Georgia on Sundays (except at bars/restaurants after noon) and then had us stop so she could buy some for the beach. She and Brandon had come out of the grocery store a few minutes later, laughing.
"I feel like an idiot. I just got through telling you how you couldn't buy alcohol on Sundays...and then tried to buy alcohol."
"Oh, it is Sunday, isn't it?"
"Yeah." I laughed at her as we pulled out of the parking lot. A minute later, we were back in traffic heading to Tybee.

Tybee Island was a busy little place. As with everything else in Savannah, I was awed by the beauty of the area. We made our way to a parking lot that was sandwiched between two brightly painted apartment buildings and managed to find a slot. Brandon fed the parking machine some money and got a small ticket for the windshield. It gave us 6 hours of park time, which was plenty. We got onto the beach and spread our towels, and then I walked toward the water. Brandon and Harlow followed me, but I pulled away from them pretty quickly. I was still a little angry with Brandon.

"Babe!" I heard his voice and turned around to see that I had drifted out much farther than they had. I was in pretty dangerous waters. "Babe, come back!"
"Why?"
"There are sharks out by the end of the pier. I've caught them."
"Caught them?" We were both yelling, attracting the attention of quite a few people around us.
"Yes! They're not very big, but that doesn't matter...they still have lots of teeth, and all it takes is them deciding to taste you."
"Taste me?"
"Yeah, they'll taste you...of course, they'll realize you're not food, but you'll still be in bad shape."
"I'll be fine." I began swimming parallel to the shore, floating around on the waves coming in. I didn't really enjoy being in the ocean. The waves tossed me around like a rag doll, the saltwater hurt my eyes and made my nose run, and sand got in every possible place it could find. On the plus side, the water was warm and if I blocked out the noise from everyone around me, quite peaceful.

An hour into our ocean play, Harlow announced that she was hungry. I heard her mention it to Brandon.
"There was a pizza place near the parking lot...want to go?"
"Sure...let's ask J." He called for me. "Babe?"
"What?"
"Want to get some pizza?"
"I guess so." The three of us made our way back to shore, aided by the waves. I wrapped my towel around myself and walked through the hot sand, trailing Brandon and Harlow. When I got back to the street, I stopped to let them catch up. The three of us made our way down the block into the pizza place. The guy inside didn't even bat an eyelash when we entered in towels. Apparently, he was used to it.

We ordered a large pepperoni and some drinks and took our table. Things were calm enough, and there was no mention of the fiasco the night before. Brandon was afraid of upsetting me again, and Harlow didn't want to tell Brandon what she really thought...she felt that Trent was an idiot. Despite the fact that Brandon and Trent didn't always get along, he would've stuck up for his brother. The irony of that wasn't lost on me.
"Large pepperoni?" The three of us looked up to see a guy standing there with our pizza.
"Yeah, that's ours." Brandon took the paper plates as the guy laid the pan on the table.
"Enjoy, guys." We quickly dug in. There was little conversation for the next few minutes as we stuffed our faces full of a very good pizza. Eventually, we all finished our lunch and drained the drinks. There was nothing to take with us, since Harlow and Brandon had eaten three slices a piece and I'd eaten the other two. We cleaned up the table as best we could and then went back out to the beach.

The next few hours passed in a mix of laying on the beach and playing in the water. At one point, we walked up to the dock for ice cream and found a Fuze giveaway. They were offering free samples of their drinks, which were all fruity. I chose something with strawberry, and Harlow and Brandon got the blueberry one.
"If you buy a bottle today, we'll give you a beach towel." The woman who handed us our samples gestured to a lime green towel with the Fuze logo on it.
"That's actually pretty cool." I looked up at the towel. "How much are the bottles?"
"Three dollars."
"Sounds good to me. I'll have one of these." I pointed to the drink I'd just sampled, and she handed me a bottle and one of the towels. They were soft and fluffy, very good quality for a freebie. Brandon got a bottle as well, and paid her for ours. Once Harlow paid, the three of us walked away with our new towels.

Finally, 6:30 rolled around.
"We need to get back to the car, our parking permit expired."
"What time are we meeting your mom at the Crab Shack?"
"She said to call her when we were leaving."
"Ok." We gathered up all of our stuff and made our way back to the car. Half an hour later, we were pulling out of the parking lot and Brandon was calling Tanya.

"Mom?" He paused. "Yeah, we're on our way to the Crab Shack right now." Another pause. "Ok, see you there." He hung up and made his way out of the main part of Tybee Island. We got onto the road that would lead us back to Savannah and he hit the gas. I was staring out the window, quiet. Brandon kept looking over at me and almost missed his turn. At the last second, he slipped into the turning lane and made his way down some small roads. Around 7:30, he pulled into the parking lot beside Tanya's Buick and we all got out.
"So does this place sell anything other than seafood?"
"Yeah, they have some other things."
"Like what?" Brandon laughed.
"I really don't know...I always get the crab."
"Oh." We walked up to the hostess booth and Tanya asked for a table for five. The hostess grabbed a few menus and led us to a table along the side of the deck. I had to admit that the place was amazing. There was a large deck built around the huge trees, which were covered in strings of white lights. The trees provided a nice canopy of shade and the lights a beautiful glow, and industrial fans kept the bugs away from the diners. Our table also had a beautiful view of the water, making it pretty much perfect.

The waitress was there quickly to take our order for drinks. When she returned with them, we made our orders...four orders of Dungeness crab and one order of ribs. The conversation was light and passed the time until dinner arrived. When mine got there, I stared at it.
"What is this?" I pointed at a small container of orange goo.
"Barbecue sauce."
"This is NOT barbecue sauce." As a born and bred Northerner, I was used to tomato based sauces. Southern barbecue sauce was mustard based.
"You'll like it." I was hoping Harlow was right. I dumped it over my ribs, and then began pulling them apart. The sauce wasn't horrible, but it definitely wasn't as tasty as the stuff I had grown up with. I picked apart my ribs as Brandon, Tanya, Harlow and Trent devoured their crab.
"Want to try some, babe?" He held out a piece and I made a face. I was not a seafood fan.
"I guess so." I took it from him and put it in my mouth. It actually wasn't bad at all. In fact, it was delicious. "Wow, that's good."
"Yeah, it is." As our meal drew to a close, we noticed a loud booming sound. I looked around for the source of the noise and spotted it quickly. There were fireworks going off on Tybee Island.
"Oh, I forgot tonight is the Tybee Island Labor Day Beach Bash!" Tanya had spun in her chair to watch them.
"That is so cool." I loved fireworks, and had loved being at the Crab Shack. This was the most amazing dinner ever, and it helped me realize just how much I adored Savannah. I was really going to hate to leave.

--------------------------------------------------

The next day, Tanya woke us at 5 AM.
"Guys, you getting up?"
"Yeah." Brandon grumbled and put his glasses on. I put mine on too, swinging myself out of the bed and getting dressed. It was way too early and part of me yearned to stay in Savannah. The other part was desperate to get home.

We packed up all of our stuff and went into the living room toting the bags. Tanya was in the kitchen with a light breakfast for us. While we got plates, she handed Brandon $60.
"Just in case you need it on your way home."
"Thanks, mom." While we ate, she woke Trent.
"Is Harlow coming to say goodbye to you guys?" Trent was standing in the living room now, rubbing his eyes sleepily.
"Yeah, she's on her way right now." Brandon gobbled down the last of his food and put his plate in the sink. I followed with mine and rinsed them both. When that was done, the two of us took all the bags down to the car. We had added multiple bags of gifts to our big duffel bag, and ended up stuffing the trunk completely full. With that done, we went back up to wait for Harlow.

She arrived fifteen minutes later and the five of us said our goodbyes. Tanya insisted we come visit again soon, as did Harlow. Trent didn't say much of anything, and it was obvious that he just wanted to go back to bed. Ten minutes (and lots of hugs) later, we got in the car and drove away.

The drive home was twice as agonizing as the drive down. The difference was that the mile markers counted down on I-95 South, and up on I-95 North. Because of this, we no longer knew how many miles were left in the state. It made them all seem so much bigger. To pass the time, we played the license plate game. For some reason, we saw plates from places like Alaska. There was a lot of speculation about what they were doing on the east coast. In contrast to our first trip, there was no rain and a lot of heat as we made our way through the Carolinas and Virginia. In Maryland, Brandon looked at me. It was obvious he was tired.
"Can you drive after our next gas stop?"
"Sure, love." We finally stopped in Lancaster, 2 hours from home. In the gas station, we bought ice cream bars and paid for our gas. We went back out and climbed in the car, and I took off. Brandon was asleep a few minutes after finishing his ice cream, and I was left to my leg of the trip alone.

At this point, my longing for Savannah had abated a little and I wanted nothing more than to be home. I hit the accelerator and got up to 90, passing everyone who got in front of me on I-81. An hour and a half later, and I was pulling off on our exit. I woke Brandon.
"We'll be home in a few minutes, babe." He nodded and adjusted the passenger seat back to the sitting position. Twenty minutes later, I was pulling into our driveway. Lager's big ears popped up in the window and I gasped. "My baby!" I slammed the Nissan into park and ran inside, shocked at how much I'd missed Lager. I ran inside, gave Dane a huge hug, and then dropped to the floor beside Lager. "Hi, baby!!!!" I kissed his nose and he licked all over my face. His tail was wagging hard enough to shake his entire body, which made me laugh.

Brandon started bringing stuff in, and I went out to help him.
"Are you having your parents come up?"
"Yeah, I think so." I called them and they agreed to come over for presents. While we waited for them to arrive, I relaxed and basked in the feeling of being home. Then, all of a sudden, it hit me. The thing with Alejandro was supposed to happen when we got back from Savannah. I'd been successful in ignoring it while we were there, but now that we were home, it was there in full force.

Frankly, I was second guessing my decision to do it.

Savannah, Part 2

2010-05-18T21:00:00.001-04:00

**The weekly posts weren't able to be written because Sunday was my mom's birthday, so I wrote them all last night! This one will be posted today (Tuesday), and the rest of the week will be normal. Also, again, sorry for the crazy length of this post!**

Jamie stopped in her tracks and grabbed my left hand, her eyes locked to the gorgeous diamonds glittering on my finger.

"When did you two get married?"
"Last month...July 14th."
"How long have you been together?"
"Since May of 2005."
"So you're the girl he left Georgia for?"
"Yeah, that would be me." As she sized up my rings, I did the same to her. My original assessment of her had made me feel self-conscious. My second left me feeling much better about myself. While she was incredibly slim and petite, she had very few curves. She was pretty, but angular. Her face was short and kind of pointy. When it came down to it, there was nothing Brandon would've liked about her. He was into dark hair and soft curves, and Jamie had neither. I withdrew my hand from her grasp and caught up with Harlow. Jamie trailed behind us, definitely less excited to be there.

We ended up in the bookstore, where I immediately sought out Kathy Reichs' new novel. She was one of my favorite authors and her new book had been released two days before. I found it with the help of an adorable sales clerk and couldn't help but notice Jamie's behavior while he was around. She giggled and flipped her hair and folded her arms under her chest to create cleavage. The sales clerk, to his credit, ignored her completely. He'd immediately latched onto Harlow, who was much more beautiful than Jamie.

"Is this what you were looking for?" He pointed to a display of "Devil Bones", the novel, and I squealed.
"Yes!" I snatched up a copy and the sales clerk laughed.
"You like reading?"
"Only a lot." The four of us made our way back toward the registers so I could pay. He asked Harlow how she felt about reading, and she laughed.
"I don't."
"Why not?" She shrugged. She and Brandon had both hated school, and neither one was a reader. "Good answer." He flashed her a smile that could've melted the entire continent of Antarctica, but she wasn't paying attention. Harlow was too obsessed with Scott to care about any other guy.

Scott had been Harlow's teacher in her JROTC program. She had fallen hard for him, despite the fact that he was married, and they had started their affair. It had been going on for years, since she was in high school. He complained about his horrible wife all the time, but told Harlow that he couldn't leave Cynthia or she'd take everything. Harlow was actually friendly with Cynthia the entire time she was sleeping with her husband. The entire situation made me ill, especially since Scott was married. There was also the age difference. Harlow was 23 and Scott was in his early 60s. Harlow always talked about the future and how she and Scott would get married and move away from Savannah, but I didn't believe he'd ever leave Cynthia.

The sales clerk rang me out and I took the book from him. Before we could walk away, he gave us that beautiful smile.
"So, are you ladies from around here?" He was focused on Harlow.
"We are, but she isn't." She pointed to herself and Jamie, and then me.
"Where are you from?" That megawatt smile turned to me and I returned it.
"I'm from Pennsylvania."
"Oh, a landlocked state?"
"Yup."
"So no good seafood?" Brandon often had that complaint.
"Not really. But it's fine...I'm not really a seafood fan."
"You just haven't had good seafood. Maybe you'd like to go out...could I take you out for lobster while you're here?" My eyes widened. In the span of a minute, he'd gone from ogling Harlow to inviting me to dinner.
"Um..." I couldn't really answer, but Harlow did it for me. She lifted my left hand and gave the guy an amused look.
"I don't think her husband would like that."
"Yeah, I don't think he'd be thrilled. This is our honeymoon."
"Oh, I didn't mean like a date." I nodded, not entirely believing him.
"Well, either way, I'll have to decline." He shrugged and smiled at me again.
"Suit yourself...enjoy Savannah."
"Thanks, I will." We walked out as quickly as we could without attracting attention, just trying to put some distance between us and the sales clerk.

When we got far enough away, Harlow and I dissolved into giggles. Jamie, who was steaming over being ignored by him, didn't join in.
"Oh my god, what a dork."
"At least he was cute."
"If you weren't married, would you have accepted him?"
"I hate lobster!"
"I'm not hearing a no."
"Ok then, no." Our giggling subsided and we began walking again. My cell went off a few minutes later, and I saw that it was Brandon.

"Hi, babe." Jamie perked up.
"Hey, sexy...where are you?"
"Walking away from the Barnes and Noble." I started laughing again. "The sales clerk just asked me if I wanted to go to dinner with him...he offered to buy me lobster." Brandon didn't find it as amusing as Harlow and I did.
"Why is that funny?"
"It just was...I guess you had to be there."
"Mmm."
"Oh stop...where are you?"
"We're going to come find you."
"Don't do that...just wait at the arcade."
"Ok, we'll be on the chairs out front waiting. Hurry?"
"I will...love you."
"Love you too, babe." I hung up and caught Jamie staring at me. I glanced at her and she looked away quickly. She really gave me the creeps.

We approached the arcade and I saw the guys waiting in the small lounge area outside of it. Kurt's eyes darkened when he saw me, but I ignored him. My attention was focused on Brandon, who was walking toward me with a huge smile on his face. Before I could reach him, though, I heard a screech.
"BRANDON!" Jamie flew past me and threw her arms around my husband, pressing her body just a little too close to him. He stood there with his arms by his sides, looking at Harlow and I with a confused look. I had stopped walking and glared at Jamie. My chest was tight and my breathing shallow, and Harlow looked at me with some concern.
"Are you okay?" She leaned close to me and whispered so no one else would hear. I shook my head and responded with my own whisper. My voice sounded alien.
"Do something, before I kill her." My hands were fists at my side, and Jamie was still clinging to Brandon like he was her lifeline. Harlow walked over and tapped Jamie on the shoulder, then pointed to something in a nearby store front. Before Jamie could say anything, Harlow had dragged her to the window to look at the clothing on the mannequins.

With Jamie removed, Brandon walked up to me.
"Hi, babe...sorry about that."
"It's fine." He wrapped me in his arms and gave me a huge kiss. Jamie glared at me from her spot 15 feet away.
Once he let me go, we decided to browse together. Kurt was leaving, since he didn't want to spend any time in my company. Brandon gave him a cool goodbye and we walked away.
"What was that about?"
"He was awful, babe...the entire time we were playing Marvel vs. Capcom 2, he asked when you were going to let me move back." Jamie came up next to him and smiled wide.
"You're moving back?!"
"Um, no." Her face fell and she slid back to her spot behind us. Harlow shook her head at her and whispered something, and the two of them had a quiet argument behind us. All of a sudden, Brandon got a mischievious look on his face. I followed his line of sight and saw a Victoria's Secret. Brandon just loved lingerie. He found it more attractive than regular nakedness, and loved to shop for new lingerie whenever possible.

He led me through the store and stopped in front of a rack. I started going through the different colors they had, seizing on a beautiful powder blue lace bra.
"I love this, babe." He gave me a look that left no question regarding his feelings about it. I saw Jamie give me a small glare and rolled my eyes. What was this girl's problem?
"Ok, we can get it. Let's see if we can find a thong that goes with it." Victoria's Secret didn't sell sets very often, and it was sometimes hit or miss finding matching panties. This time was easy. They had plenty in the color I was looking for and they matched beautifully. While I was finding new lingerie, Harlow was shopping for a new swimsuit. She met us at the register with a red suit that was suitably skimpy. We checked out and finally decided to leave the mall for dinner. Brandon's mom was taking us out, and we had to meet her in an hour back at her place.

At the door, Brandon pulled me close and turned to Jamie.
"So, Jamie, would you like to go to dinner with us?" I looked at him, completely shocked. Harlow was giving him the exact same look. Brandon had fairly low self-esteem, and was completely oblivious to way Jamie obviously felt about him. I could see on his face that his offer was simply kind-hearted. Jamie was glancing back and forth between the two of us. It was obvious that she was torn. If she went, she could spend more time with Brandon, but she'd have to watch us together the entire time. "My mom is taking us all out and then we're going to go back to her apartment complex and go swimming." He looked at me and kissed my forehead. "Can't wait to see you in your swimsuit...and that." He motioned toward the bag I was holding, and I laughed. Harlow made a face.
"Get a room, you two."
"I know, seriously." Trent, who had been mostly silent and had stayed outside when we went into Victoria's Secret, was shaking his head.
"Well, I'd really love to, Brandon, but I have to go." Jamie gave him an awkward one-armed hug and then walked out the large doors. I watched her go and then turned to Brandon.

"You must be completely blind."
"What are you talking about?" Harlow shook her head.
"Jamie was totally into you."
"No, she wasn't. She's just weird."
"Um, no, babe...she seriously hated me when I said I was your wife."
"Well, too bad." He opened one of the doors and we all walked out into the humidity. "I didn't really like her in high school anyway. She was annoying."
"She still is." Harlow sighed. "She swears we're best friends and invites herself everywhere I go."
"Well, I only invited her to dinner to be nice...I'm glad she didn't accept."
"You need to work on that, babe...the Southern politeness is sweet, but I would probably have boycotted dinner if she accepted."
"Drama queen." He kissed my nose and then let me go so we could get into the car.

Dinner that night was a loud affair at a local restaurant. Nothing interesting happened, but Tanya, Harlow and I had a few too many margaritas. It was a good thing Brandon was driving. When we got back to the apartment, Tanya laid down while Brandon, Trent, Harlow and I went swimming again. Brandon got his wish of seeing me in my bikini...and the new lingerie.

--------------------------------------------------

The next day, Saturday, Tanya woke us at 6:30.
"Time to get up!" I rolled over and squinted at the bedside clock, then groaned.
"Babe?"
"Hmm?"
"I think your mom is trying to kill us."
"Mmm." I took that as assent.
"Well, let's get up...she'll just keep knocking if we don't." I drug myself out of bed and winced. My head hurt. "Stupid margaritas."
"You okay?"
"Nah, I have a headache."
"Mom's got something for that, I'm sure."
"I know." We got dressed and brushed our teeth, then went out to eat breakfast. I took four Advil with my orange juice, which quickly helped to alleviate the throbbing in my skull. "So what's on for today?" I set my plates in the sink and looked at Tanya, who was ordering new contacts online.
"We're going to go to the flea market, and then we'll head downtown."
"The flea market?!" Brandon jumped up from the chair and looked at his mom.
"Yeah, the flea market."
"Oh my god, I love that place. Let's go!"
"Hold on, I have to submit this." We waited a few minutes while Tanya finished her order and then we left.

Brandon drove to the flea market, talking about it the entire way. We had a fairly nice flea market in our area, but nothing like this place apparently. This one had multiple large buildings and some smaller shops, with food stands and furniture stands and produce stands. Basically, it sold every single thing in existence.
"This place sounds pretty awesome."
"It is...the guys and I used to go here and buy Yu-Gi-Oh cards."
"Lame."
"Hey, you played it too."
"Shush." I had played that with Felicia and our friend Kara in high school during our sophomore year. I grew out of it by our junior year, and they didn't. Brandon's friends also played it, but played it a little longer than I did. By the time I met Brandon when I was in college, he had given it up because of working at the movie theater. His friends hadn't.

We got to the flea market and I was in awe. Brandon wasn't lying when he said it was huge.
"Wow, check this out."
"I know, it's awesome."
"Is Harlow meeting us here?"
"Yeah, she's already here somewhere." Brandon called her while I strolled along looking at stands. He'd been accurate when he said everything was sold there. I found a stand selling clothing, but nothing I'd wear. A few stands away, there was a guy selling books. I gravitated there and picked out a few I liked. Brandon walked up as I was paying the guy. "Harlow will be over in a minute." Sure enough, as we were moving away from the stand, Harlow ran up.
"Hi, guys!"
"Hey!" The five of us began browsing and, three hours later, left with a ton of purchases. It was time to go see the historical district and River Street, which was famous for the shopping. Tanya also wanted to go on a dolphin boat tour.

We got downtown and Tanya bought us tickets for a bus tour and the dolphin tour. The bus tours ran all day, but the dolphin tour was still two hours from boarding, so we took the bus tour first. The "bus" was actually a trolley that had no windows, which meant no air conditioning. At 11:30 AM, it was already well over 90 degrees. The humidity was so bad that I could literally see the air around me. The bus tour was agonizingly hot, but incredibly interesting. They took us through the historical district and pointed out all the places of interest. I was barely listening. The architecture in Savannah was so beautiful I could hardly take my eyes off it, and the live oaks lining the streets were breathtaking. I completely ignored the tour guide and took pictures of everything I could see.

When the tour guide announced a place called Leopold's.
"Ooh, this is definitely our stop." Tanya grabbed my arm and dragged me out of my seat. I was still staring at the surroundings and hadn't been paying attention to her.
"Mom, why'd we stop here?"
"Ice cream. Leopold's has the best." We walked into the store and stared at the menu behind the counter. I already knew what I wanted, so I listened to Tanya talk about the owner of the store. Apparently, he worked in movies and the posters around the store were from movies he'd worked on. The person behind the counter walked up and asked to take our order. Brandon sighed.
"I don't know...I think I want the birthday cake ice cream."
"Well, make up your mind." I poked him in the side and he looked at me.
"Your mom." That was his favorite comeback. Without thinking, I responded in kind.
"No, your mom." Tanya looked at me and I immediately realized what I'd just said. "Oh my god, I'm sorry."
"It's okay, I'm just the aunt." I laughed. Tanya wasn't Brandon or Trent's birth mom. She was the aunt that adopted them when it became clear that their birth parents wouldn't be able to care for them. Brandon's dad was Tanya's brother, and they still saw him when they went to Arkansas. But their birth mother had disappeared long ago and no one knew where she was.
"Oh yeah, Mom, you're not a mom at all." Brandon was licking a birthday cake ice cream cone. "You two need to order." The person behind the counter was watching us with a weird look.
"Um, I'll have the mint chocolate chip." The person scooped it and handed it to me while Tanya ordered, and I had to admit that it was absolutely delicious.

Tanya paid and we made our way out of the store. The heat was oppressive, but we still decided to walk back to River Street. That was where we met the dolphin boat. Before we boarded, Tanya gave us all sunscreen. I made sure to put a lot on, since I burned easily. Tanya tucked it back in her purse as we got onto the large boat, and we all took our seats.

The tour went down the Savannah River, and we saw a huge number of dolphins. This was absolutely amazing for me, since I'd never actually seen a dolphin before. They were freshwater dolphins (which I never knew existed) but they were still amazing.

It took three hours to get to the end of the river and back, and in the excitement of seeing the dolphins, I forgot to reapply my sunscreen. It was also the day I chose to wear a tank top and shorts. Those things combined to make one very bad thing...a hideous and VERY painful sunburn.
"Oh my god, babe!" Back on dry land, Brandon held me at arm's length.
"Ow, you're hurting me."
"Sorry." He let go of my shoulders, which looked raw.
"J, you should've asked for the sunscreen...I would've given it to you."
"I put some on before we left...I guess I just forgot."
"You need some aloe."
"I know." I poked my arm, which was also red. Every visible surface on my body was scorched, and it hurt to move. I teared up and turned away so Trent and Tanya wouldn't see me cry. "It hurts." Brandon put his hand on the small of my back, trying to reassure me without touching any of the burned areas.

We hit the huge candy store, where I picked up some taffy, rock candy, and about a million other things. I spent way too much, but I didn't care. The place was like heaven to me. After that, we headed away from River Street.
"Are you ready for dinner, Mom?"
"Sure...where do you want to go?"
"Masato's?"
"Is J going to eat that?"
"Masato's?"
"That's not an answer."
"What's Masato's?" I hadn't said much since we got in the car. The Nissan had beautiful seats, but they were made with mesh sections and it was rubbing quite painfully against the sunburn.
"It's a Japanese hibachi restaurant." I sighed.
"I'll give it a try." I would be the first to admit that I was picky. I preferred to call it "gastronomically rigid", but it equated to the same thing. I was always reluctant to try new things. But Brandon loved Masato's and had been looking forward to eating there since we made the plans for the trip.
"Yay!" I laughed at him and then winced. Laughing was painful. What I didn't realize was how much more painful things were going to get.

We got to the restaurant, and Harlow was there waiting for us. She'd spent the afternoon with Scott, so she hadn't gone downtown with us.
"Hi, guys."
"Hey!"
"Oh, you look terrible, J."
"Yeah, thanks." I was trying my hardest not to be grumpy, but my skin was hot and tight. All I wanted to do was take a cool shower and sleep. We walked inside, and the first thing I thought was "OH MY GOD". It was almost hotter inside the restaurant than it was outside. "Babe?" He knew what I was thinking.
"It'll be fine, love."
"Ok." The hostess led us to our seats. The table was actually a grill surrounded on three sides by a wooden table. We sat down, and Brandon positioned me right in front of the grill.
"You have to be here...it's the best spot to see everything."
"Ok." I sat down as a little girl and her mom and brother joined our table. They were out to celebrate her 7th birthday. I gave her a smile, but she didn't return it. When she smiled at everyone else, I figured I just looked hideous from the sunburn.

The waitress came over to take drink orders. I got a Sprite, Trent got a Coke, Tanya got a margarita, and Brandon and Harlow ordered sake. A few minutes later, and it was meal orders.
"Ok, I got everything...your chef will be over shortly!" With that, she was gone. Conversation started, and soon took a turn for the worse.
"So, Brandon, when are you two going to start a family?"
"Oh jeez." I laughed. Tanya had asked my least favorite question. I felt that I was still too selfish to take care of a small me. "Not any time soon, we've only been married for 6 weeks."
"Plus, I don't want to be an uncle at the age of 21." I laughed again.
"Well, Trent, just because you said that, we're going to get pregnant next month." I was joking, of course, but Trent's "joke" took the cake.
"Well then, I'll just have to fix that with a rusty coat hanger."

Now, Tanya absolutely hated when people cursed, but I couldn't help it. I pointed a shaking finger at Trent.
"If you EVER say anything like that again, I will punch you in the fucking face." Tanya looked at me, shocked, and I heard the little girl's mom gasp. I immediately felt stupid, but I was so angry that I didn't even care. It got worse when Brandon, instead of defending me, punched me in the leg. I glared at him, giving him the most withering look I could manage before turning my back on him without a word. I had already started tearing up. Harlow laid a hand on my leg.
"Are you okay?" She spoke quietly, and I could hardly hear her over the ruckus. I nodded, blinking away the tears.
"I'm fine." I was lying, of course. I was angry, upset, and confused.

Why didn't my husband stand up for me?

Savannah

2010-05-15T21:00:00.003-04:00

**Forgive me for being late with this one...it's so long, it was just impossible to get scheduled for yesterday. I didn't even get it finished until this morning. Also, forgive me for the length!**

The alarm went off way too early, and Brandon waved a lazy hand at me.
"Hit snooze." He mumbled, his face partially in the pillow.
"Ok." I fumbled around with the cell phone and finally found the correct button. The ringing stopped, but only for five minutes. When it went off again, Brandon grudgingly dragged himself out from under the covers. I sat up, blinking and rubbing the grit out of my eyes. 4:50 AM was not a good time to be awake.

"Get up, babe."
"I am up."
"Where's our bag?"
"I put it by the door with our shoes last night."
"Awesome." He slid his flip-flops on and hefted the large bag, taking a moment to get the oddly shaped duffel out the door. By the time he returned from putting it in the car, I had dressed and was sliding my shoes on. I had a plastic cup of juice in one hand and my orange in the other. However, I had no appetite...when I didn't get enough sleep, I always felt nauseous after waking up. I sipped at the juice as Brandon scoured the house for last minute items we'd need. He returned to the living room a few minutes later with a smile. "I think we got everything."
"Good." I handed him the orange. "Can you peel that while I go see Lager?"
"Sure." I opened our bedroom door and slid inside the room as quietly as possible. Dane was fast asleep on his stomach, his face smooshed against the pillows. I laughed at him as I knelt down by Lager. He was curled up in the corner, looking much smaller than he could possibly be. He was a 95 pound dog, but he could compress himself into impossibly tiny balls when he slept.

"Hey, baby boy..." I petted his head, and he licked my hand. "Momma's leaving, okay? But don't worry. Daddy and I will be home in a few days...we're not leaving forever." After being given up by his previous family, Lager had some serious separation anxiety issues. I gave him a hug and looked into his calm brown eyes. "Now you be good for Dane. Mommy will see you on Monday." I kissed his nose, and left the room. Brandon was standing by the front door with my peeled orange in his hand.
"Ready to go, love?"
"Yup, let's do it." We left the house, Brandon locking the door behind us, and walked to the car. I climbed in, already dreading the 12 hour drive ahead of us. While I absolutely loved road trips (got it from my daddy), I couldn't stand being in a tiny car for long periods of time. I also hated being in the car while it was raining (a weird idiosyncracy of mine) and we were traveling directly into Hurricane Faye as she made her way up the coast.

Brandon pulled out of the driveway and headed out. We stopped to fill up at the Pilot near our house, where he grabbed a coffee. I had been diagnosed in April with a medical condition that was exacerbated by caffeine, so I was forced to have a hot chocolate. Once the car was full, we hopped on the interstate and were on our way south.

The trip was long and mostly full of nothing. It involved long stretches down I-81, a slow crawl through Harrisburg at 7:30 AM, and countless truck stops. We hit the rain much earlier than I expected, in Maryland. It put me in a dismal mood, especially since Brandon refused to turn off the air conditioner. He was warm, but I was freezing. I was always uncomfortable with a/c being on while it rained, no matter what the temperature was. At that particular point, it was 78 degrees. I should've been warm, but I wasn't.

The lack of sleep between the two of us was causing some serious grumpiness. I would turn down the a/c, and he would crank it back up. Eventually, we were full-out fighting over the stupid air conditioning.
"Babe, just leave it the hell alone! It's 80 degrees out, I'm dying."
"You're not dying...and doesn't it matter that I'm freezing to death?"
"You're not dying either, you whiner."
"You started it." Smooth, J...way to be a five year old.
"Wow, I can't believe you just said that. How old are you?" Even though I had thought the same thing, I took serious offense to him vocalizing it. Things devolved from there as a sopping wet Virginia passed outside the window. Finally, somewhere around Washington, D.C., I threw up my arms.

"Just let me out. I don't want to go on vacation with you."
"I'm not letting you out."
"Let me out!" I was trying my hardest to hold back tears, but I was overly emotional. Everything made me cry. I'd cried over less than this, and I was crying now. Brandon looked over at me and sighed. When we got to a safe spot, he pulled over. I reached toward the door handle, but Brandon pulled my hand away from it. I was confused until he got out of the car and went in the trunk. He returned with the car blanket his mom had gotten for us one Christmas. We kept it in the trunk along with food, flashlights, and bottled water, just in case we got stranded in a blizzard. He climbed back into the driver's seat and unrolled the blanket, laying it across me and smoothing it down with a gentle gesture.
"I'm sorry, babe...I really didn't mean to upset you. I'm just grumpy because of the lack of sleep." All my anger melted away as he touched my cheek. "I love you."
"I love you too." I curled my legs under me and pulled the blanket closer as he manuevered the Nissan back into traffic. There was no conversation between us. Instead, I considered our relationship. It was always this way...we would argue over something, and he would be the one to figure out the best compromise. I would always just fume for a few hours and then get over it. It was definitely something I needed to work on. That kind of behavior couldn't be anything but damaging to our fledgling marriage.

The blanket immediately made things better. He could have the a/c on full blast, and I didn't feel it. I was warm and toasty under the thick wool blanket. The farther south we went, the less rain we encountered. By the time we hit South Carolina, it was raining in spurts. Little isolated pockets would have a torrential downpour, and then nothing. It was actually incredibly amusing to see the rain before we drove into it, then have the barrage of rain for 60-90 seconds, and then have bright sun again.

I was getting really sick of being in the car, even with the occasional stretches when we stopped for gas. Because of this, I was obnoxiously thrilled when we started seeing signs for Savannah. I pointed every one of them out with unnecessary excitement, and I could see Brandon laughing at me out of the corner of my eye. However, he couldn't control his excitement either. It was the first time he'd been back to Savannah since he left in September of 2005. He was going to get to see Harlow and Kurt again. I wasn't thrilled about the Kurt thing, but I had made plans with Harlow to go shopping while the boys went to the arcade.

Another agonizing two hours later, and Brandon was exiting I-95 in Savannah. The sun was blazing, and it was 84 degrees despite being 4:45 PM. There were palm trees everywhere, which were novel to a Northern girl like me. I called my mom to tell her that we'd arrived as Brandon called his mom.
"Hello?"
"Mom?"
"Yeah."
"Hi...we're in Savannah."
"That's good...how was the trip?"
"Suckish." She laughed. She absolutely hated being in the car for long periods of time. She preferred to stay close to home. "12 hours of being in the car...that's crummy."
"What time did you guys leave?"
"Quarter after 5...Google Maps said this would be a 13 hour trip. Brandon turned it into 11 and a half."
"I'm just glad you made it there in one piece."
"Yeah, me too." Brandon's driving wasn't always what one would call safe. "Well, we're going to be at Tanya's house in a few minutes, so I'm going to go. Talk to you later!"
"Bye, have fun!" I hung up as Brandon made another turn. He had already told his mom to expect us in the next few minutes. I watched out the windshield as several apartment complexes passed by, and then Brandon slowed down and turned onto the main road in one of them.

"Ok, babe, keep an eye on the apartment numbers...we're looking for the 300 section."
"Ok." I watched as several buildings went by, and then pointed one out. "It's right there. And so is your mom's car." I pointed to her Buick. He found a parking space and nosed the Nissan in. We climbed out of the car and the humidity hit me like a ton of bricks. Brandon nodded as I struggled to breathe in for a moment. It felt like the air had been sucked out of my lungs. He took my hand and we walked up to the third floor.
"I would hate to be my mom."
"Yeah, me too...especially in this heat." I was sweating from the short walk up the stairs. This was NOT my kind of weather. When we got to the right apartment, Brandon knocked.
"Come in!" He opened the door and walked in to see Trent playing his Xbox. Tanya was sitting on her favorite chair with a book in her hands.
"Hi, Mom. Hi, Trent." Brandon leaned down to hug his mom and gave his brother a fist pound. I shook my head as I said my hellos, and then we collapsed onto the leather couch.
"How was the trip?"
"Long." Brandon and I chorused together, eliciting a look of amusement from his mom.
"That happens." She closed her book and set it aside. "If you guys wanted sodas, there are a bunch in the fridge."
"Awesome." Brandon jumped up. "Babe, you want anything?"
"Yeah, just grab me whatever." I was texting Harlow to let her know we'd arrived. Her response to my text came almost immediately. I was sure she'd been waiting for it. I responded with Tanya's address, and she said she'd be over right away. Brandon returned with two sodas. They were both Dr. Pepper. "Um, babe?"
"Oh yeah...I'm sorry, love, I forgot." I laughed softly. He did manage to remember that Dr. Pepper was my absolute favorite soda in the world, but I wasn't supposed to drink it anymore. I was supposed to give up caffeine and chocolate, but could only manage one. When it came down to my daily coffee vs. my chocolate bars, the choice was clear. I had given caffeine the heave-ho. However, I could deal with it in small doses, so I cracked open the Dr. Pepper and took a sip.

We conversed with Trent and Tanya for a while, talking about everything that had happened in the 6 weeks it'd be since the wedding. They had gone to visit his family in Arkansas afterward, so there were lots of stories to tell there. I sat mostly quiet while they talked, waiting for the knock on the door. It came half an hour later, and I looked at Brandon.
"It's Harlow." He practically leapt toward the door, yanking it open and throwing his arms around the slim girl standing on the other side.
"Harlow!!!!!"
"Brandon!!!!!" They hugged tightly and then Brandon pulled her inside the house.
"Get in here before you melt." He took my hand and pulled me off the couch. "I know you guys talk online all the time, but here's the official introduction. Harlow, this is my wife, J."
"Hi, Harlow!" I hugged her too. "It's great to meet you finally!"
"Ditto!" She hugged me tight and then we sat down next to each other on the couch. Despite the fact that she was Brandon's ex and that I didn't agree with her choice of boyfriend (a 60 year old married man), I was very comfortable around her. She was hilarious and teased Brandon with a familiarity borne of a long friendship. I recognized it instantly...it was the same way Alex and I tormented one another. There was a lot more catching up while Tanya ordered some Chinese food.

She went and picked that up, and the five of us ate. It was way spicier than the Chinese food I was used to in PA, but that was to be expected. Brandon usually joked that Southern people would "cajun up their cornflakes" if they could. Once dinner was out of the way, talk turned to plans for that night. None of us had any, which was good enough.
"If you guys wanted to, there's a pool right out there." Tanya pointed out the window behind her chair. Through it, I could glimpse a large fitness center and a sliver of clear blue water.
"That sounds awesome to me." I loved swimming and thought water was the best thing in the world. Felicia, who believed in astrology like it was gospel, was certain my fascination with it was due to my zodiac sign. While it was true that I embodied many of the characteristics of my water sign, Scorpio, I didn't really believe in that stuff. It was more of an amusement than anything else.
"I'll have to go home and get my bikini."
"Nah, you can borrow one of mine...I brought two."
"Ok, cool!" Harlow and I went into Tanya's room, where I dug my bikinis out of the bag Brandon had brought up. I handed her one and she went into the bathroom to change. I donned mine in the bedroom. When we came out, covered in huge beach towels out of Tanya's closet, Brandon went in to get his trunks.

A few minutes later, he and Trent came out in trunks and t-shirts.
"Ready?"
"Yes." We walked outside. The sun was already well below the horizon, and it was still hot and muggy. The water was going to feel great. The pool came into view as we came around the tennis courts, and I was in awe. It wasn't huge, but it was a gorgeous mosaic tile filled with flawless blue water. There was a jacuzzi tub on the side about five feet higher than the pool, and a clear cascade of water from that was running down the tiles to join the pool water.
"Wow, that's awesome." I had to agree with Brandon.
"Yeah, it is really nice." Harlow had already shed her towel, draping it across one of the poolside chairs. I added mine to hers and then we jumped in the water. I was expecting some kind of shock, but the water was pleasantly warm. I pulled myself through the water with a few long strokes and then turned around in time to see Brandon and Trent jumping off the edge of the jacuzzi tub into the water. The pool was only about 4 feet deep, so I objected to this.
"Babe, don't!" My protest came too late, since they had both already leapt off. However, my fears were unfounded. Brandon landed without a problem and then approached me underwater. I knew what was coming, so I tried to run. However, he was faster than me and he grabbed my ankles and pulled me under too. I struggled away from him, trying to yell. Underwater, the yelling just came out as burbling. I could hear Harlow laughing. It sounded far away, but when I finally managed to get above water, she was only a foot or so from me.
"He's a jerk, isn't he?" I nodded, laughing. I was only playing, and he knew it. He feigned hurt and came at me again, humming the Jaws theme. I danced away from him and dove under the water, where I could move faster.

The four of us messed around in the pool, playing with some pool noodles and a frisbee Trent had brought down. When I got tired of swimming, I pulled myself out of the pool and climbed the steps to the jacuzzi. It was a few degrees warmer than the pool water, and still felt nice despite the oppressive heat. I closed my eyes and relaxed on the tile bench, sinking up to my neck. Harlow joined me a few minutes later, and we chatted as Brandon and Trent played "extreme water Frisbee" in the pool below. A half hour passed, and I got bored.
"Babe, ready to go in? I'm tired."
"Yeah, we probably should...knowing Mom, we're going to get up super early in the morning."
"Um, ew."
"I know." Brandon's mom was an early riser. We were not. Tanya tended to get up around 5 AM every day, while our MO was to roll out of bed at noon.

Harlow and I climbed out of the jacuzzi tub and wrapped ourselves in towels. We darted around the pool, gathering the toys up as the guys got their towels. Once we were sure we had everything, we headed back up to the apartment. Harlow and I changed out of our wet bikinis and she returned the one she was wearing to me. I bundled them up in the towels, which Tanya wanted to wash that night, and took them out to her small laundry room. The boys' trunks were already there, laying on the floor beside their towels. I picked them up with an eyeroll at Brandon, who was perusing the ice cream bars Tanya had purchased for our visit. He shrugged as Tanya walked over to start the laundry.

We talked with Harlow a few more minutes and watched Trent play one of the Grand Theft Auto video games. The entire day had been exhausting and was kicking my butt.
"Well, I'm going to bed. You can stay here if you want." I gave Brandon a kiss and he shook his head.
"No, I'm tired too." We both gave Harlow a hug. "Meet us back here in the morning?"
"Yup, I got the whole weekend off!"
"Awesome." He hugged her again and she left. We headed into Tanya's room, which she'd made up with fresh sheets. She was using Trent's room during our stay, and he had been relegated to the living room couch.

I stripped out of the PJs I'd been wearing in the living room. I had always preferred to sleep naked. Brandon didn't, so he was in his boxers as we climbed into Tanya's very comfortable king size bed. He rolled over and pulled me close, giving me a long kiss. It was supposed to be our honeymoon, but sex was the last thing on our minds. We were so exhausted that the kiss was all we could muster before passing out completely.

--------------------------------------------------

The wake-up knock came at 7 AM.
"Wake up, you two...breakfast!" I rolled over, fully intending to ignore this latest wrinkle in my otherwise awesome dream. However, it repeated a few minutes later. I heard Brandon respond.
"It's too early!" 7 AM was nowhere near early in Tanya Standard Time.
"It is not...get up!" Grumbling, we dragged ourselves out of bed and got dressed. Tanya had to work that day (she had used up her vacation days that year on our wedding and her trip to Arkansas), so we were on our own. A quick cup of coffee and the news, and she was on her way by 7:30. In the two hours she'd been up, she'd managed to make an entire breakfast spread. I grabbed some waffles, scrambled eggs, bacon and sausage, and we sat down to wait for Harlow. Trent was back to playing video games, so we let that entertain us for a few minutes.

Harlow's text hit Brandon's phone as I was collecting our breakfast dishes.

Eating breakfast with Pepa, will meet you at the mall at 10.

This left us with a good two hours to kill before we had to meet her and Kurt. We accomplished this by going to Wal-Mart. Despite our best efforts, we'd forgotten sunscreen. We picked some up and browsed the Wal-Mart to see if there was anything else we needed. There wasn't, but we'd killed an hour by the time we left. We headed back to the apartment, killed half an hour watching Trent play MORE video games, and then dragged him away from the Xbox to go to the mall.

Brandon parked by the food court and went in with a smile. He had just had breakfast, but that didn't stop him from ordering from the small Japanese place they had there. It was one of his favorite foods. I wasn't hungry, but I got a smoothie. We sat at a table on the outside of the court, where we'd be easy to spot, and it wasn't long until I saw Kurt approaching from behind Brandon. I met his gaze and he put a finger to his lips. He snuck up behind Brandon and put his hands over his eyes.
"Guess who?"
"Kurt?"
"Yeah!" Brandon stood up and they did one of those one armed man hugs.
"How've you been, man?"
"I'm good, definitely."
"Well, you remember J, my wife." Brandon had asked Kurt if he still hated me, and his response was "until she lets you move back, yes". It had upset Brandon, but I urged him to give the friendship one last chance. I hated Kurt, but Brandon had absolutely loved him as if they were brothers. I didn't want him to let it go so easily. Kurt didn't say a word when Brandon acknowledged me. Instead, he gave me an odd glance and then changed the subject. I was still getting used to being called someone's wife, so I had no time to dwell on his weird behavior. However, I was feeling entirely left out. Sitting there in silence with my smoothie was boring, and I was relieved when Harlow walked up.

"Hey, ready to go shopping?"
"Yeah!" I stood up and took $100 from Brandon's wallet. He always held the money, since I had a tendency to misplace things like that. "Baby, Harlow and I are out of here...I love you." I gave him a kiss and he squeezed my hand. I knew what he was trying to convey and I nodded as we walked away. He was afraid Kurt's behavior had affected me, but I couldn't have cared less what he thought of me. Truth be told, I simply wanted to slap him for alienating Brandon. As Harlow and I walked off, she nudged me.
"Sweetie, if looks could kill, Kurt would've murdered you by now." I went to turn around, but she stopped me. "Don't look at him! It'll be obvious I said something."
"So?" We rounded a corner and she looked at me.
"Why does he hate you so much?"
"He thinks I 'stole' Brandon from him."
"Oh my god, seriously?" For a moment, I couldn't answer. I was too fascinated with her Southern accent.
"Yeah, it's stupid...I don't even care." We wandered into the Old Navy, where I immediately sought out the Rainbow Wall of Flip-Flops. (That's not an official name, that's just what I call it.) I practically lived in Old Navy flip flops and I had them in almost every color. However, there were so many shades of each color that I was way behind. I grabbed a few pairs to begin rectifying that. Harlow hung back to look at some dresses while I paid, and then we wandered out of the store.

A few stores later, I'd gotten small gifts for most of my family. My favorite one so far was Joel's. I had gotten him a 6 ft tall inflatable T-Rex. Harlow's phone dinged and I looked at her.
"Oh no, it's from Jamie."
"Is that bad?"
"Yeah."
"Why?"
"Brandon and I went to high school with her, and when I told her he was back in town for a visit, she became obsessed with it. She insisted on inviting herself today so she could see him." I bristled a bit.
"I already don't like her."
"She's not after him or anything like that, but she's acting like they were the best friends in the world."
"Were they?" That was a dumb question...Brandon's best friends were Kurt and Harlow.
"Not even close...they talked, but not much."
"Ah."
"Anyway, she's looking for us right now." At that moment, I heard a voice ring out behind us.
"Harlow!" I turned around and saw a short, skinny blonde heading toward us. She wore small glasses with chunky black frames, a short green dress, and sandals. When she got to us, she stopped in front of me. "And this must be J." I had never been overweight, but I felt like a cow next to petite Jamie. I had at least 4 inches and 20 pounds on her. She offered me her hand, and I had to shuffle bags around to free one up. I shook her hand. "It's nice to meet you."
"Nice to meet you too." I gave her a smile, feeling entirely fake. I didn't like her shoving her way into our visit. People like that had always irked me, and her becoming obsessed with Brandon being back in town made me like her even less. Harlow got us to start walking, and Jamie stuck resolutely next to me.
"So...are you Brandon's girlfriend?" I knew I could simply correct her, but I couldn't help myself. I lifted my left hand as we walked under one of the large sunlights set in the mall ceiling. The bright midday sun glinted off the diamonds set in the engagement ring and wedding band.
"No, I'm Brandon's wife."

I felt like a tool for doing it, but the shock on her face made up for it a hundred times over.

Alejandro's Answer

2010-05-12T21:00:00.004-04:00

I sat down in the closest chair to keep from falling over as I told Alejandro the story from the other night. Finally, I got to the good part. I didn't want to come right out and ask him, because I was petrified that he'd just laugh and reject me...so I was going to do it differently.
"So anyway, Brandon and I are just laying there relaxing, and out of nowhere he tells me he wants to watch me have sex with another man." Alejandro's eyes grew to the size of dinner plates. "I know, it's crazy, isn't it?" The butterflies in my stomach began a crescendo beat as I tried my hardest to pull off a calm, joking tone for the next sentence. "I don't even have anyone else to have sex with."
"That's not true." He gave me a lopsided smile.
"Oh, does that mean you're offering?" I kept the same joking tone, the butterflies now reaching their apex. I felt like I was going to throw up. It should've made me step back and think, but it didn't.
"Absolutely!" I laughed.
"Ok then...I guess I'll talk to Brandon. We'll figure something out."
"When can we do it?"
"Um, probably not until we come back from Savannah."
"When is your trip?"
"Thursday...we're leaving early that morning and returning late Monday afternoon."
"Well, that's not too long then!"
"Yeah...it'll be fun." I was trying to come to terms with what had just happened. Alejandro's agreement meant that this was actually going to happen.
"I'm going outside for a smoke...wanna come?"
"No, I have to get back out there."
"Aw, are you sure?"
"Yeah, definitely."
"Ok, I'll talk to you tomorrow."
"Actually, I'm leaving early tomorrow...1 PM." Alejandro came in at 2. "So I'll talk to you when I get back from Savannah."
"Ok...see you then." He gave me another one of his lopsided smiles, which was really quite charming. Actually, everything about Alejandro was charming. He was Latin and fit the stereotype quite well. He was attractive and smooth-talking, and had an uncanny ability to make a woman feel like she was the most beautiful thing on the face of the planet.

I didn't realize it at the time (or maybe I ignored it), but I was playing with fire.

--------------------------------------------------

The next day, I did leave work early. Dane and I got into his car and drove to his house, where I sat on his bed while he packed. His house was out in the middle of nowhere, so it took us three hours to get back to our work so I could pick up the Nissan. When we finally did, I climbed in and headed toward home, taking care to make sure he was keeping up.

Ten minutes into our trip, he called me.
"What are you calling me about?"
"Hello to you too...hey, stop by the liquor store. I don't know where it is in this area."
"Okay, I will."
"Okay." We hung up. Five minutes later, I got into the turning lane and Dane did the same. We parked and got out, and I immediately punched him.

"What was that for?"
"For calling me while I was driving."
"Well, how else was I supposed to tell you to stop?" He had me there.
"I don't know!"
"Anyway, weirdo...can you do me a favor?"
"Sure." He handed me a $20.
"Can you go pick up some juice and soda?"
"What kind?"
"Sprite, Coke, and try to find that white cranberry peach juice."
"Okay." I went into the grocery store next door while he went to buy his booze.

The produce section was right inside the door, and I paused briefly to look at the oranges. I loved having a huge orange for breakfast, and they'd be easy to grab on my way out the door for the trip. Standing near me was a Coinstar employee, talking very loudly. I gave him a strange look, as it appeared he was talking to no one, and continued shopping. A few seconds later, he said goodbye and turned to me.
"Did you think I was talking to you?"
"Um, no."
"Well, don't worry, because I would love to talk to you." He gave me a lecherous look, and I shuddered. He was at least my dad's age, with a bad combover and way too much gel in his remaining hair.
"Um, thanks. I have to go now." I took off for the soda aisle, too skeeved out to look over my shoulder. When I ducked around the endcap, I sighed and found the sodas Dane was looking for. The next aisle had the juices, and I managed to find a bottle of the white cranberry peach. I was looking through other juices when Dane walked up behind me. He laid a hand on my shoulder and I jumped, almost dropping the sodas everywhere.

"Oh my god, J, what the hell?"
"I thought you might be the skeevy Coinstar guy...he's a creeper." I handed Dane his stuff and grabbed myself a bottle of white cranberry strawberry juice.
"What happened?" I told him the story as we walked back toward the produce section. I still wanted my oranges. "Oh, ew."
"Yeah, he's a creeper." I looked around and spotted the guy. He was overseeing the installation of a new Coinstar machine. Dane followed my line of sight.
"Him?" I nodded. "Oh my god, he's old."
"I know!" I shuddered again.
"Well, I'm ready to go...you?" I had gotten my oranges, so I nodded.
"Yeah, let's go." We went and checked out. As we were leaving, we had to walk past the Coinstar guy. He gave me another once over, and Dane glared at him.
"I'm gonna punch him."
"Why?"
"Because no one looks at you like that."
"Listen to you! You're acting like a jealous boyfriend!"
"I don't care what I am to a girl...friend, boyfriend, relative...no guy should look at a girl like that."
"I didn't see it."
"Lucky you."

I tossed my bag in the passenger seat of my car as I got in. Dane followed me the rest of the way to my house, and we pulled into the driveway 20 minutes later. Living out in the middle of nowhere was nice, but it sucked living that far from the grocery stores.
"Well, here's the place."
"It's nice."
"Yeah...not as out of the way as yours, but it's okay." I grabbed his bags from the stores as he lifted his duffel bag and laptop out of the trunk. We went inside and were immediately greeted by Lager. He always got excited when new people came into the house, and this was no exception. He was jumping on Dane, who was trying to look down at him without dropping his stuff.
"LAGER!" I yelled his name and he jumped down and sat. "Good boy...who's momma's baby? You are!" Dane started laughing. "Shut up, I love him!" I put his stuff away in the fridge and then turned to Lager, who ran to me with his tongue hanging out. I scratched behind his ears and petted the top of his head, my nose against his. "How's my boy? Momma loves you, yes she does." Dane was watching him, barely holding back a laugh. "This is Lager."
"He's beautiful."
"Thanks...he's not scary, you can pet him." Dane reached down and petted Lager, who immediately turned his affections to him. He licked his hand and panted happily. "He likes you!"
"Yeah, he does."
"Don't get too big-headed...Lager hasn't met anyone he doesn't like." Dane had gotten down on the floor and was shoving Lager, which was causing him to growl. It was his favorite way to play. Lager bit his hand playfully, and Dane grabbed his snout. Lager lifted his foot and pushed against Dane's hand, trying his hardest to get his snout free. "He has to go out, stop riling him up."
"Fine." I slid my hand under Lager's collar.
"Wanna go out, bud?" His ears perked up and he looked at me with his gorgeous brown eyes. "Yeah, you do...do you have to pee? Wanna go bark at birds?" His tail started going, and I led him outside to his tieout. My dad and Brandon had put up a cord that ran between the two large trees in our yard, then attached Lager's tie cord to it. It gave him access to half the yard, which was a very large space. He could also get onto the porch to lay in the shade on warmer days. It was a good system, and he loved it. After clipping him to it, I walked back inside. Dane was unpacking his laptop. "Are you going to stay here while I go pick up Brandon?"
"Yeah, I am. I have some stuff to do here." I laughed, knowing he meant World of Warcraft stuff.
"Nerd."
"So be it." He pulled one of the side tables in front of the couch and got settled in.
"Well, I'm going to let Lager in and then I'm headed to get Brandon...I'll be back in about 40 minutes."
"Ok, see you then!"

I led Lager inside and shut the door behind me. A minute later, I saw his big ears in the window as he watched me pull out of the driveway. That sight always made me smile.

When I got to Brandon's work, his coworker Wayne was already there. I pulled up outside and beeped, and then moved into the passenger seat. Brandon had awful motion sickness, so he had to drive all the time. I had been unfortunate enough to witness the results of him being a passenger, and never wanted to experience that again.
"Hi, babe." I leaned over to give him a kiss as he climbed into the driver's seat.
"Hey...is Dane at the house?"
"Yeah, he's there already."
"Lager like him?"
"Of course. He likes everyone."
"Well, that's good...is everything packed?"
"I don't know, we'll double check everything when we get home. I picked up some juice and oranges for tomorrow morning."
"But I want to stop at the Pilot for coffee."
"We can do that too."
"Okay."

We got home and Brandon spotted Dane playing WoW. Brandon was a reformed Runescape player, so this resulted in a long (and boring) conversation about RPG stuff I didn't quite understand. 10 minutes of this, and I was jumping out of my skin.
"I'm going to bring the luggage out and make sure we packed absolutely everything we'd need."
"Ok, love." I dragged the huge duffel bag out of the bedroom and went over the clothing we'd packed, my flip flops, his shoes, and our necessities. Everything was there except our cell phone chargers and our laptop, which we planned to pack in the morning.

Once I was done with my recheck, I started some dinner. We were running low on food, which wasn't a big deal. Brandon had already handed Dane a $50 to get himself whatever he wanted to eat, and we'd only be gone 5 days. The three of us ate (Dane in front of his laptop) and then Brandon and I made a bed on the living room floor. Dane was going to be sleeping in our bed while we were gone, and we'd already changed the sheets to fresh ones for him. I figured that if he slept in our room that night, there would be no risk of us waking him when we left for Savannah at 5 AM. Brandon and Dane both agreed with this, and it was settled.

Brandon and I each took a Unisom and settled down to sleep by 9 PM. Dane was still up playing his game, but the drugs were quickly taking their toll and I was drowsy despite the glow from the laptop. I was so excited I couldn't think straight, though that could've also been the drugs. I couldn't believe that I'd be in Savannah in less than 24 hours time. However, there was a shadow hanging over the trip. I hadn't yet told Brandon what Alejandro had said, and I knew he was going to ask about it while we were in the car.

How was I going to enjoy myself on our honeymoon with that situation hanging over me?

Brandon's Question

2010-05-10T21:00:00.002-04:00

Last time, on the Diary of J:

"Can I talk to you about something?"
"Sure, anything..." I was a little concerned. "What do you need to talk about?"
"A fantasy I have."
"Babe, if this is about what I think it's about..." He stopped me.
"No, it's not about that."
"Then what is it?" He took a deep breath to steady himself, and then looked at me. The next words he said were the last words I ever imagined I'd hear coming out of his mouth.

"I want to see you have sex with another man."

**************************************************

I stared at Brandon in disbelief, leaning so far back I was almost falling off the couch. I had been laying comfortably in his arms, but now wanted to be far away from him. He held on to me to keep me from flopping onto the floor as I shook my head.
"No...what? No!"
"You won't even consider it?"
"No." It seemed to be the only word I could manage.

"Why not?"

"Because it's ridiculous. Why would you want to see that?" It turned out I could make more words. He shrugged, which was an inadequate response. The look I gave him said so.

"I don't know, babe...it's just a fantasy."

"I can't do that." The idea of having sex with anyone other than my husband made me distinctly uncomfortable.

"I understand." He was silent for a few minutes, and then looked at me. "Just hypothetically, if you were going to do it...who were you thinking?" I shook my head as only one of our friends came to mind. "Come on, babe...just tell me. It isn't like we're going to do it." He didn't sound disappointed, just teasing, so I gave in.

"Alejandro." Brandon laughed softly.

"He was the one I thought of too."

"Well, it doesn't matter because I'm not doing it."

"I know." He pulled me back against him and we just laid there, watching TV and talking about Savannah.

The next day, Brandon opened so our schedules were in sync. He worked 8-4, I worked 9-5. On my way home, I stopped and picked him up.

"We have to get home and make a list of things that need to be packed. The laundry needs to be done, and so do the dishes." We shared most of the chores in the home, with the exception of dishes and laundry. I always did the dishes (much easier since my parents had gotten us a used dishwasher) and he always did the laundry. He hated dishes, and I hated laundry.

"Ok, sounds good to me." We listened to the radio for a few minutes, before he abruptly turned it down. "Have you given any more thought to what I asked you last night?"

"No." I was lying. It was all I'd thought about all day (especially since I now worked with Alejandro) and I had discussed it with my friend Marnie during our shift.

"Oh...so you're still totally against doing it?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because I don't think it's a good idea, babe."

"But I read about it all the time in the magazines at work and it seems to work for those people."

"Most of those stories are probably fake, or they don't tell you about the divorces and broken hearts that follow."

"I know...but it's a huge turn on for me." I sighed.

"I really don't want to do it, babe."

"I won't force you...I just think it could be fun for both of us." I heaved another sigh. When it came down to that, he was probably right. Brandon was only the second guy I'd ever been intimate with. The first was Russ, and that was about as fun as pulling teeth. I loved Brandon, but had always been curious about sleeping with other guys. I'd never do it behind his back, though. My dad was a cheater for most of my parents' marriage and it always devastated my mom. Finally, she kicked him out of the house and he came to his senses and stopped. Now she had to keep a very close eye on him to make sure he didn't go back to his old ways. So far, he hadn't...I sincerely believed she'd put the fear of being alone into him when she threatened divorce, and he shaped up quick.

However, he was now offering me a free pass to do whatever I wanted. My brain, that infernal internal voice, piped up.

What is it really going to hurt, J?

Um, I don't know...my marriage, my health, my sanity...take your pick.

You're being overdramatic. Brandon is giving permission, so your marriage will be safe...I doubt Alejandro has STDs...and your sanity is already questionable.

You shut up.

Make me.

I agreed on the sanity part, since I'd just had an argument with myself. But the marriage and health parts were iffy at best...my marriage was not even two months old, and didn't need this kind of stress, and Alejandro was promiscuous when he was younger. As far as I knew, he was clean...we had talked about all kinds of stuff, including sexual partners, and he had never indicated any of them giving him anything. His personal belief was to be honest about everything, so I knew he would've told me. He always said that lies were always used by people to make themselves look better, and that he didn't need them. If someone didn't like who he was honestly, they weren't worth his time. The openness was scary and refreshing. It made him insanely popular with a lot of people, and caused him to be shunned by many others. Brandon and I didn't care what someone acted like, as long as they weren't jerks, so we liked him.

Brandon was sitting quietly in the passenger seat, watching me as my internal struggle waged. Finally, I sighed and said the stupidest thing I've ever said in my entire life.

"Fine...if Alejandro is at work tomorrow, I'll see if he's interested. If he is, we'll get something together when we come home from Georgia."

I would never regret anything more than I ended up regretting those words.

--------------------------------------------------

The next day, I walked into work with a horrible feeling in my stomach. I hated the whole situation, and knew I had only given in to make Brandon happy. I also hated the idea of coming out and asking someone to sleep with me. I was always really shy around guys, always waiting for them to make the first move...I hadn't even asked Brandon out! The idea that I could be rejected and embarrassed was making me want to turn around and walk back out. However, my spirits would soon be skyhigh. The new training class, who'd been kept under lock and key, were coming out to do sidejacking. Sidejacking involved hooking them up to our phones so they could hear our conversations and listen to how we handled customers. Some of the new trainees were hoping to be outbounders, so they'd be sidejacking with Dane, Marcie, Kendra and I.

I was sitting at my desk, preoccupied with the entire situation, when I heard Ashley come up behind me.

"And Felicia, you requested to be with J." My eyes got wide and I spun around in my seat. Dane, who had been leaning over to ask me a question, got a mouthful of ponytail.

"Oh my god, Felly!!!" Felicia was standing behind me with a huge smile. "What are you doing here?!"

"Training, duh." She pushed a chair up beside me, squeezing me closer to Dane. He was getting his own sidejacker, a bored looking guy named Chris. I leaned over and whispered something in Dane's ear, and he laughed.

"I'm so glad you're here, Felicia...you couldn't have come at a better time." I sighed. "I need to talk to you...and this time, it's a huge deal."

"What's going on?" We were having a very slow day for calls, so I leaned closer to her and told her all about Brandon's question. When I was done, she was staring at me with a strange look on her face. "And you told him you'd do it?"

"Yes..." My tone told her all she needed to know.

"You don't want to, do you?"

"Not really...I mean, part of me really does, and the other part...the rational one...thinks I'm insane." She nodded. "But Brandon got really excited when I told him I'd do it, and it is a really huge turn on for him...don't ask me how I know that." She shook her head.

"Wasn't going to."

"Thanks."

"J, you're the one who has to decide whether or not you can live with this. If you feel like it won't be a problem, then go for it. There's NO way Alejandro will turn you down." Dane, who had been stealthily listening in, agreed.

"I've seen the way he looks at you. He'd jump on this chance."

"You think so?"

"Yes." I looked at both of them and sighed. Alejandro was headed over toward our cubicles (outbound was stationed right by the break room), and I knew it was now or never. I signed off the program, put myself in personal time, and met him at the door.

"Hey, can I talk to you? I have the craziest story to tell you." He nodded, and pushed the break room door open. I looked back at Dane and Felicia, and then walked through the door. Alejandro went over to the soda machine, and I followed him.

"So what did you want to tell me?" I took a deep breath.

This is it...no turning back.

2010-05-06T18:59:00.003-04:00

Here's what happened yesterday, ladies...I can't and don't want to sugarcoat it, even though it will come up in the blog.

Yesterday morning I woke up with awful cramps. I laid down with a heating pad, but started throwing up and was in the hospital a few hours later. After a lot of needles, some awesome pain meds, and a bunch of tests and scans, they determined that I had been pregnant (I had no idea) and had suffered a miscarriage.

Even though I didn't know about the baby I had been carrying (I couldn't have been more than 6 weeks), I am devastated. Please bear with me until I can start writing again.

J

Wedding Photos

2010-05-04T13:46:00.002-04:00

So here's what's up! Since Facebook has been giving me problems for a month about posting photos (I still can't post photos of Lager!), I've decided to start a Flickr linked to my Diary of J Yahoo account! It was really easy (if a little slow) with photo uploading, so the wedding photos are finally online!!!!!

http://www.flickr.com/photos/49874039@N05/sets/72157623991907700/

Enjoy!

J

WHAT?!

2010-05-03T21:00:00.002-04:00

**Hi, ladies! This post wasn't finished last night because, truth be told, I was incredibly nervous about posting this. This part of my life is VERY important because of the complex emotional mess, and I figure it needed to be written. That being said, please don't judge me too harshly. I've beaten myself up for this every single day since it's happened, and I'm still not completely over it. This is a really stupid part of my life, where reason and thought have no place and nothing is the way it should be. I know I'm probably going to get some negative comments, but please try to keep them at a minimum. I already feel horrible enough about the entire situation.**

The vet called me every day to update me about Poki (they thought I was her owner, since I had been the one to take charge) and my mom and dad had driven up there to visit her on Monday. She had still been in the oxygen tank with her beak touching the ground, but lifted her head when she heard my mom say her name. Mom told me that Poki walked slowly toward her and made a small noise, and she started bawling. Even Dad was having issues...his guilt was consuming him.

The veterinarian told my parents that her situation was touch and go and that they couldn't give us any idea about when she'd be coming home. My mom called me and cried the entire way home. She was absolutely certain that her best friend was going to die and that it was all her fault. No amount of reassurance on my part could convince her otherwise, so I just sat by and listened as she cried. To tell the truth, I was terrified as well. Poki had always been there and the idea of her being gone was foreign and already causing me severe heartache.

When I hung up with Mom, I clasped my hands to my heart and sent up a plaintive request to whoever listened.

Please, please, PLEASE don't let Poki die. I don't know what my mom would do without her...what our family would do without her. I love her so much...she's a strong girl. She absolutely needs to live through this.

By the time I was done with my begging, tears were running down my face. I started cleaning to distract myself. Brandon was at work, and anything was better than sitting alone with my sorrow.

--------------------------------------------------

The next day, I got a phone call. It was the vet. I was at work, but I disconnected my phone and sprinted off the call floor without a word to anyone. In the breakroom, I answered the call.
"Hello?"
"Is this J, Poki's mom?"
"Yes, it is." I didn't bother correcting them.
"Hi, this is Sarah from the vet's office."
"What can I do for you?" I could hear my voice trembling. I was absolutely certain she was calling to tell me that we'd lost Poki, and my throat was aching with the effort of holding back tears.
"Are you available to pick Poki up today?" I didn't respond for a few minutes, uncertain if I'd heard her correctly. I was brought back to the conversation by the tech calling my name. "J? J?!"
"Yes, I'm sorry, I'm here. I'm just shocked...yesterday, we were told it was touch and go."
"She has improved considerably since yesterday, and we feel we've done all we could for her."
"Well, I can be there to pick her up later, but I don't get out of work until 5 PM."
"That's fine, we're here 24 hours a day. I will let the night techs know that you'll be here to pick her up this evening."
"Thank you so much." We hung up, and I immediately called my mom. I hadn't logged into the break monitoring system, and I didn't care. This was huge.

"Hello?"
"Mom?"
"Yes."
"We can pick Poki up today!"
"Really?!"
"Yes, the vet just called and said she's a lot better and that we can pick her up any time this evening!"
"YES!" I could picture my mom standing in her small office at the doctor's office, doing the happy dance. I probably wasn't too far off on that either.
"I get out at 5...I have to take Brandon to work, and then I'll come pick you up and we'll head out there."
"Ok, see you then."

I went back out onto the call floor, where I was scolded by Terri for not signing into the break monitoring program. I rolled my eyes.
"It was an emergency."
"Even so, you need to make sure your time is monitored."
"I'll get right on that." I was getting incredibly sick of dealing with this outbound program, and my annoyance showed through when I spoke to the supervisors. Terri frowned at my sarcastic tone, but didn't say anything else. I sat down and went back to work, counting down the minutes until I could leave.

5 PM finally rolled around and I bolted. Dane and Ross trailed me into the parking lot.
"J?"
"What?"
"Where are you going in such a hurry?"
"We get to pick Poki up today."
"Oh, that's cool...see you tomorrow?"
"Yeah, see you then." I threw myself into my Nissan and sped away.

I got home and told Brandon the news.
"So I have to get you to work so that we can go pick her up."
"Okay." We let Lager out, then put him in his crate and left. I dropped him off with a kiss and a promise to be back at 2 AM (yuck) and then hightailed it to my mom's house. When I arrived, she was already standing outside on the porch. She slid into the passenger seat and we headed toward the vet's office. Mom was happier than I'd ever seen her, which made me smile. It was a complete 180 from the day before, when we'd been almost certain we'd lose Poki.

When we arrived, they had Poki sitting in a small carrier on the front counter.
"Aw, look at her!" My mom rushed over and scooped her out of the carrier. "She looks great."
"She's been entertaining all of us for the past hour. She's so sweet and talks a lot." My mom nodded.
"She's a great talker." I reached over and petted Poki's head. The skin around her eyes was an awful purple and yellow. The techs also told us that she was still favoring her right foot.
"We're fairly certain she has a minor sprain in her foot. The bruising is fading slowly, so don't be alarmed if it lasts another week or so. The biggest issue, the brain swelling, is significantly improved and she doesn't seem affected by it at all. She's been very vocal and acting pretty normal."
"That's great." The relief in my mom's voice was so pronounced it was almost palpable.
"Anyway, we can go ahead and get the bill taken care of, and then you guys are good to go!" She pulled out a file and I sighed. I was afraid the $500 limit wouldn't cover the bill. She had been there since the previous Friday and the oxygen tank was usually very expensive. "Your total is $386." I stared at her.
"Come again?"
"It's $386...are you going to want to put that on your Care Credit card?"
"Yes, absolutely." I was thrilled. She ran the card number they had been given (since I hadn't gotten the card in the mail yet) and then handed me a receipt. I signed it, took our copy of the invoice, and thanked them.
"You're welcome...call us if you need anything."
"We will...thank you again." With Poki securely in Mom's arms, we walked out. The ride home was quiet. Mom was just staring at Poki, who was sitting on her lap. We stopped at a Wendy's for dinner, and Mom fed Poki bits of hamburger. I was heartened to see that she was eating.

Two hours after leaving, I dropped Mom off at her house.
"Let me know how she does."
"I will!" She shut the door and took Poki inside, and I went home to call Brandon to give him an update. When I was done talking to him, I took a long bath and collapsed into bed. I had to get up at 1:30 to pick Brandon up by 2, which was going to cut into my sleep. I figured I'd get as much as possible.

--------------------------------------------------

The bruises around Poki's eyes continued to improve as she steadily got better. Two weeks after the accident, she was talking like normal and looked like her old self again. The only lingering damage was to her right foot. She still favored it and didn't grasp as tightly with it. Mom called the vet about it, and they told her that there was a good chance she'd never regain full strength in it. That concerned her, but Mom was just happy to have Poki alive.

Our trip to Savannah was just a week away, and I couldn't wait! I had never been to the city (with the exception of a Perkins stop while on my way to Florida with the band) and had heard it was positively beautiful. Brandon was telling me all about it one night. We both had off and were lying on the couch snuggled up together. He told me all about the live oaks and the historical district and Tybee Island, which we were going to be visiting with his mom. Slowly, the topic changed to more risque things. He was a bit disappointed that we'd be staying with his mom on our honeymoon, but she had given up her bedroom for us to use. It wasn't like we'd be sleeping on the floor in the living room.
"Babe, it'll be fine, okay?"
"I guess so..." He sighed softly. "Can I talk to you about something?"
"Sure, anything..." I was a little concerned. "What do you need to talk about?"
"A fantasy I have."
"Babe, if this is about what I think it's about..." He stopped me.
"No, it's not about that."
"Then what is it?" He took a deep breath to steady himself, and then looked at me. The next words he said were the last words I ever imagined I'd hear coming out of his mouth.

"I want to see you have sex with another man."

Poki Problems

2010-04-30T21:00:00.003-04:00

**Guys, sorry about this! I only had a few hours to write before Brandon got home from work and we left (at midnight), and I only got this one done because of the length. Please forgive me!**

The end of August was steadily approaching, and with it our trip to Savannah. We would be going August 28-September 1. It wasn't a very long time, but it was all we could afford off work. I hadn't quite been at the call center a year, so I hadn't gotten my paid vacation days, and adult stores didn't give paid vacation days. We had both asked for and been given the days off, and now we were just stuck with deciding what to do with Lager. He was a big dog, and expensive to kennel. Also, he had mild separation anxiety and whined a lot when Brandon and I weren't around. It would be so much easier on him to stay at the house and just have someone stay with him. However, Emily was busy with school and Alexis (who had a mild learning disability) was not as patient with dogs as I was. Lager could be very annoying, and I didn't want her to snap and hit him. There was no way I could just have my parents look in on him while we were gone...he was a very social dog and needed interaction. He couldn't be stuck in his crate in the bedroom for 5 days, except during potty breaks and dinner. It just wasn't fair to him.

The perfect solution came one day while I was at work. I was pondering the problem, quite annoyed by our lack of solutions. Dane, who was oblivious to my aggravation, was complaining about his mom.
"I love her, but lately she's been really annoying." He was a college student, so he was still living with his parents despite being 23 going on 24.
"What's she annoying you about?" I was trying to listen as sympathetically as possible.
"Just everything...now that it's summer, we're together too often." Dane's mom, Karen, was a home economics teacher at their local high school. He always had the best food in his lunches, left over from amazing meals she made. Her potato salad was some of the best I'd ever eaten. "Even though I'm an adult, she can't let go of me being her "little Dane" and mothering me to death. I wish I could get away from it for a little while." His statement turned on that little lightbulb above my head.
"Oh really?"
"Yeah, but I'm stuck."
"How would you feel about a five day vacation?"
"Oh yeah, that's gonna happen."
"No, I'm serious. Brandon and I need someone to stay with Lager while we're in Savannah."
"Oh. You want me to stay with him?"
"Yeah, why not?" I spun my chair to face him. "We've got a router so you can bring your laptop, high speed so you can play WoW, and Dish Network so you'll have something to watch." He nodded slowly, considering it.
"What days?"
"We are leaving the 28th at 5 AM, so you'll have to be there the 27th. You could follow me home after work."
"When are you coming back?"
"September 1st...Labor Day."
"Hmm..." He considered it some more.
"We'll give you $50 for food, plus you can eat whatever's in the fridge and freezer. Basically, you get free run of our house for 5 days!"
"It sounds good." He fell quiet and I sat there, waiting. A few minutes later, he nodded decisively. "I'll do it."
"YAY!" Our supervisor looked over and shushed me, but I didn't care. "Oh, thank you!" I gave him a hug. "You're going to love Lager, he's a sweetheart."
"I'm sure I will...I like dogs." The topic soon changed to Ross' house, where we'd all be later that night. Ross' mom had bought him an old Victorian in our area and was letting him fix it up. She was keeping dual residency in PA and Virginia, but was rarely in PA.
"Are you going to be there, J?" Ross popped his head up over the cubicle wall between us.
"Um, of course."
"Ok, cool!"
"I just have to go home and get Brandon to work...he has to be in at 6. But I'll be there by 6:30!"
"Do you like wine coolers?"
"Sure, why not?"

After work, I rushed home. We lived about half an hour from my workplace, and 15 minutes from his, so the hour between our days was usually packed full. We rarely got to spend any time together in that hour, so the drive between our house and his work was nice. I dropped him off with a kiss and a promise to be back to his workplace before 2 AM (their closing time) as well as to limit my drinks. I wasn't an alcoholic and drank very rarely, but my dad had been an alcoholic and it ran in the family. I left and was at Ross' house by 6:30, as promised.

The house was absolutely beautiful, but did need work. Ross had started painting the outside, and had already restored one room inside. That room was taken up by his drumset, which was his pride and joy. He was a fantastic drummer, and was at the set when I arrived. I announced myself over the raucous noises of a drumset and amplified electric guitar, and both fell silent.
"J?"
"Yeah, it's me!" I stepped around a pile of boxes, admiring a gorgeous (but narrow) spiral staircase. "Where are you guys?" Dane's head poked out of a nearby doorway.
"Right here." I set my purse on the couch in the living room and then walked into the music room. The first thing I saw was a huge piano that needed some work. It was a huge contrast to Ross' gleaming maroon drums.
"Wow, that's a great set." I admired them without touching. They were so pretty, I was afraid of breaking something. Irrational, since they were meant to be beaten, but that's how I felt.
"Thanks. I got them at the Music Center."
"You guys sounded good." Jake, one of the other outbounders, was sitting on a couch with a red electric guitar in his lap.
"Eh, we could've been better. I think my timing was off."
"Oh, shush." Ross was always modest about his talent. "Let's go again, what do you have?" He showed me his computer, which had all the music he played to. I selected a song and the three of us started...I was singing into a fairly nice microphone. Dane just sat there, watching us perform. He had brought his laptop so he could play WoW. He apparently had something to do with his group (I forgot the technical term for it) and he couldn't miss it.

After a few songs, we decided to retire upstairs. I forgot my purse, which would prove to be a bad decision. While Ross and Jake battled each other on some first person shooter for Xbox, Dane and I drank. 4 drinks later, and I was feeling pretty good. Good enough that I ignored my cell phone ringing all the way downstairs. Truth be told, I don't even think I would've known my way back to where I left it. The house was huge, with secret staircases and hidden rooms...sober, I might've found my way. Tipsy, I would've been lost forever. After a few calls, my cell phone went silent and I smiled. I figured that whoever it was could wait. As usual, I was wrong.

Dane's cell phone went off a minute later. He pulled it out of his pocket and looked at it.
"It's your man." I gave him a confused look.
"Well, answer it. See what's so damn important." I giggled as if this was hilarious and he opened his phone.
"Hello?" Mild buzzing was all I heard of Brandon's response. "Yeah, she's right here." He offered me the phone. "He wants you." I took it and pressed it to my ear.
"What's up, baby?"
"Why the FUCK aren't you answering your phone?!" He sounded angry, and I immediately became defensive.
"Because it's all the way downstairs, and I'm upstairs."
"Your dad stepped on Poki." He didn't even acknowledge that I'd spoken, and I picked up the real emotion behind his anger. He was scared.
"What are you talking about?" I set my drink down and stood up, already searching for my shoes to leave.
"What's going on, J?" Ross paused the game. I ignored him.
"Your parents were upstairs...she was going up the stairs to see your mom. Your dad was going down, didn't turn on the hall light, and stepped on her!"
"Is Mom okay?"
"No." That was a stupid question. Poki was my mom's congo African Grey Parrot. She had been a Christmas present to my mom from my dad. His clue, when she asked what she was getting, was "it eats french fries". She had been delighted to wake up on Christmas morning to find Poki in her cage. My dad had gotten her from a friend of a friend, who was tired of Poki chewing the woodwork in their brand new home. Poki (short for Papoki, which apparently meant cat in Hawaiian) had been my mom's heart since she came into our family.
"I'm leaving now." I hung up and Ross stopped me.
"J, I can't let you drive. Seriously, you're too much of a lightweight."
"I have no choice, guys. This is an emergency."
"Give me your keys. I'm driving." I did as he asked, desperate to leave.
"You coming, Dane?" I pulled my hoodie on.
"No, I'm going to stay here."
"Ok. Let's go!" Ross led the way down the stairs, Jake steadying me as I went. The panic had sobered me up a lot, but I was still glad to have Ross driving. I tended to crash when I was upset.

We threw ourselves into my Nissan, and I called my mom. She was absolutely hysterical, crying in a way that broke my heart. I couldn't understand what she was saying, but I reassured her nonetheless.
"Mom, I'm on my way right now. Don't worry, I'm not driving. My friend Ross is. We'll be there in a few minutes...just hang on." I could only understand one thing.
"Please hurry. She's so hurt." It actually caused my heart to ache.
"I will." I hung up and gave Ross turn-by-turn directions to my mom's house. Despite being 20 minutes away, we were there in 10. I jumped out of the car while it was still moving and ran inside, leaving Ross and Jake to wait in the car.

Mom was sitting in her favorite overstuffed chair, Poki wrapped in a blanket against her chest. Both of Poki's eyes were closed, and she was really fluffy. The white around her eyes was red and purple, harsh bruises against her grey feathers. Seeing her made me want to cry. My dad was scribbling directions to an avian vet an hour and a half away, trying really hard to look like he wasn't bothered. He loved Poki almost as much as my mom did, and I could tell he was upset about this. His suffering was even more acute because he'd been the cause.
"J, take this." He handed me the paper. "These are directions to the closest emergency avian vet." My mom was just cuddling Poki, her sobs soft and constant.
"Ok, Daddy." I moved closer to him. "Why am I driving her?" He sighed.
"This is going to be really expensive...and this vet will allow you to apply for a Care Credit credit card. We need your credit for it...it's better than ours." I nodded. My dad had been fiscally irresponsible early in their marriage and trashed both his and my mom's credit. Mine was good, and I knew I could count on my parents to pay the bill, so I didn't mind doing this for them. I moved to the chair and touched my mom's shoulder. "Come on, Mom." With a last look at my dad, who was now on the couch looking miserable, we left.

Mom climbed in the back beside Jake, and I introduced everyone to everyone else. My mom acknowledged both of them, but mostly stayed quiet with Poki in her arms. I told Ross where to go as we sped towards the vet's office. The minutes ticked by agonizingly. Poki had looked terrible, and was seeming to get worse by the second. One of her feet was badly injured and swelling had started around her eyes. My mom was blaming herself for the accident.
"If I had just locked her up...or brought her upstairs with me..."
"Mom, stop. You couldn't have known this would happen."
"But I should've locked her cage. I knew she follows me everywhere, I should've locked it." Poki's cage was rarely ever locked. She had free rein of the house and never had a problem before.
"Mom, it'll all be fine."
"What if she dies, J?" Mom voiced the exact thought that was bouncing around in my mind. It was unnerving...Poki had been around as long as I could remember, and life without her wasn't fathomable.
"She's not going to die, Mom." I was trying to come across strong and reassured, but it didn't sound that way to me. I sounded terrified and upset. I was also starving, which always magnified my bad feelings.

An awfully long drive later, we pulled up in front of a veterinary office called Creature Comforts. I got out of the car, stone sober, and helped Mom out. She seemed paralyzed by her pain.
"Coming in, guys?"
"Sure." Ross and Jake got out and we all walked inside. I walked straight to the counter and took charge.
"Hi, my name is J Higgins. My dad called earlier about an African Grey that had been stepped on?"
"Yes, we've been expecting you." The nurse looked behind me at Mom. "Is that Poki?"
"Yes, it is." The nurse led us through a small gate and into an exam room, where they set Poki on the table. With the blanket gone, I could see how bad her foot was. It was swollen and she wasn't standing on it. Instead, she was balancing herself on the other foot, with her beak touching the metal surface of the table. Her eyes were still closed and I could hardly see her breathing. My mom started crying again and I held back my own tears. Mom's crying was the most pitiful sound I'd ever heard, and I ached for her. However, my falling apart would only make her feel worse, so I held it together. As they examined Poki, my throat grew tight and began to ache in that acute way it did when I held back tears.
"Is there a bathroom?" The nurse nodded and pointed the way. I walked to the bathroom and shut the door, careful to lock it. There, I broke down in tears and sobbed out my distress to the cold, uncaring walls.

A few minutes later, I was spent. I wiped my eyes, checked my appearance, and walked back out. I didn't want my mom to know I'd been crying. By the time I returned to the exam room, the vet had arrived and was checking Poki over. He lifted her wings and checked her beak. She let him do anything he wanted to her, which wasn't like her and made me want to cry all over again. She looked so small and weak, I just couldn't believe she was the same bird. Finally, the vet looked up.
"She's definitely in bad shape." He adjusted his glasses. "Her foot doesn't seem broken, but there is definitely some ligament damage. She won't clutch with it and seems unable to put pressure on it. The bleeding and bruising around her eyes indicates some brain damage. We won't know anything until we get a scan, but she probably has some brain swelling." My mom stifled a sob, and I put my arm around her shoulders. She was wearing the blanket that had been wrapped around Poki like a cape. "We are definitely going to keep her overnight."
"Ok." I was speaking for Mom. It was almost like she'd forgotten how. "I'll need to apply for a Care Credit card."
"Oh, ok. If you would head back out to the front counter, the tech will get you set up with that." I led Mom back out and filled out the application. It was long and tedious, but the result was good. I was instantly given a $500 line of credit.

By the time I was done with the application, they'd moved Poki.
"Did you want to say goodbye to her?"
"Yes, please." They led us into a room full of Plexiglass cubes. I gave the tech a confused look, and she explained.
"She's in pretty bad shape, so we have her in an oxygen tank." I breathed out hard, fighting back the tears that were threatening to surface. Mom laid her hand against the front of the tank and murmured an apology and a goodbye to Poki, and then the tech led us out.
"Please call us as soon as ANYTHING changes. Even the most minute thing, I want to know about." I gave them my cell phone number, and we left. Ross and Jake stood up as we entered the waiting room, and the four of us left.

The trip home was terrible. It was closing in on midnight, and I was completely drained of all feeling. Mom was sitting in the back with her forehead against the window, staring at the scenery as we sped by. Very little was said, and the hour and a half went by slowly. We arrived back at my mom's house and dropped her off. I said goodbye, and she thanked the three of us.
"Please let me know as soon as you hear anything." I nodded, and we drove away.

I dropped Ross and Jake off next, and went to Brandon's work to wait. He got out half an hour later, and we went home. I fell asleep instantly, tossing and turning with worry about Poki.

I hoped she was going to live.

J's New Coworker

2010-04-28T21:00:00.003-04:00

Tanya and Trent arrived at our house at 5:30 the next morning. I woke up early to say goodbye to them, then went back to sleep to catch a few more hours before work. Brandon stayed up for a little longer, giving his mom messages for his family in Arkansas. After they left, it was back to our normal routine.

--------------------------------------------------

Things went normally for a few weeks, with us getting our marriage license and me changing my name on everything I could think of. It was weird to sign things as J Higgins instead of Miller, but I was adjusting. We got a few more wedding gifts, including the washer and dryer. My absolute favorite was a sign we got from Brandon's aunt. It had Higgins emblazoned across it in large white letters, and the words "carry the name proudly" set across that in smaller beige letters. I had started the thank you notes, which were proving more difficult than I expected.

Two weeks after the wedding, we went to Denny's with Lilah and Alejandro. It was there that things started to fall apart a little. Alejandro had skipped our wedding because his girlfriend had died in a nasty car accident just a few weeks before. She was 19, and was driving to Alejandro's house. She answered her cell phone, and turned into the path of an oncoming flatbed truck. She was killed instantly. I had read the article, but didn't know she was Alejandro's girlfriend until Lilah told me. When I found out, I broke down and cried for him.

He didn't handle her death well. He was 27 and one of those people who needed to be in love to validate himself. That being said, he really did adore Lillith and they got along wonderfully. He had been planning to ask her to marry him before she died, and he wouldn't be getting over her death any time soon. I tried to be as sensitive as possible, dancing around the topic and keeping things light. However, things quickly turned to work talk, and I learned that Alejandro was going to be joining the workforce at the call center.
"Really?"
"Yeah, I start next Monday."
"What program are you going to be in?"
"I don't know." I rolled my eyes playfully.
"Is it the heating and air conditioning one?"
"I think so."
"Yay!!" I squealed. "That's the program I'm on!"
"Cool, so we'll work together?"
"Yeah, we will."
"That's awesome." I started talking about the program.
"The only thing is that I'm on outbound and you probably won't be. I hate doing outbound, though...it's awkward and annoying."
"What do you do?"
"I call people and berate them into scheduling appointments...I get hung up on a lot, which is par for the course. Most people don't like to be begged to schedule a service they have to pay for...the prices are insane."
"Well, that sucks. Hope I don't get stuck on that."
"It's not all bad, though...some of the customers are really nice and you get some hilarious names." I had once had to call a Dick Hardon. When Dane read the name, he lost it. That was made worse by the fact that Mr. Hardon had picked up. I had ended up pronouncing his last name as "Hardin" and wasn't corrected. He didn't want the appointment, which I was grateful for. When I hung up, I lost it. "Also, you get some crazy stories. Oh, like this one...I called this person to see if they wanted to schedule their maintenance and I got their son. So I asked for them, and he told me that his parents had died. Apparently, they had a car accident two days after..." All of a sudden, Lilah was slicing her hand in front of her neck, signaling me to stop. I realized what I had just said and trailed off with a small "oh." Everyone was really quiet for a minute, and you could practically feel the awkwardness in the air.

We were rescued by our food arriving, which served to give us something else to talk about. I had ruined the interesting conversation and I felt bad. However, I felt annoyed at the same time. It was the beginning of August, and Lillith had died the beginning of June. I realized it took more than 2 months to get over someone (I still wasn't over my cousin three years later) but there was a point where you had to stop sheltering the person. My mom had always been a fan of the saying "Life is for the living." and I agreed with her. Lillith's loss was a tragedy, but moving on was important too.

Our meal finished without any more unpleasantness, and we left with a promise to get together again soon. Brandon brought up Alejandro's new job, and I laughed.
"I hope he can handle it." A lot of people quit the job after only a few days of being screamed at. We chatted about it until we got home and then we went to sleep.

---------------------------------------------------

The following Monday rolled around and there was no sign of Alejandro. It wasn't until that afternoon that I found out why I hadn't seen him. He walked by my cubicle when he went on break, but I didn't notice until I felt him touch the top of my head. I spun around and gave him a smile.
"Hey!"
"Hi."
"Where have you been?"
"In the training room up there." He pointed at the higher level.
"That's not the HVAC training room."
"No, it's the Citibank training room. Apparently, I'm in that program."
"Oh." I was disappointed.
"But don't worry, we'll still hang out at work. You on break?"
"Actually, yeah, it's break time."
"Cool, come outside with me!" The outbound program went offline seconds later for our 3 PM break, and I walked outside with Alejandro, Dane, and Ross. They were having cigarettes, and I was standing upwind of them. I didn't smoke and never would.

The three of us chatted for a few minutes. Alejandro was in a really good mood and kept making little jokes about me. I knew he didn't mean anything by them, so I just blushed and laughed them off. When our break was up, we went back inside. I gave Alejandro a huge hug and then turned toward my cubicle. Dane and Ross were staring at me with their arms crossed and a look on their faces that I couldn't identify.
"What?"
"Who is he?"
"He's a friend of mine...Lilah introduced us."
"Oh, did she?" I laughed at Ross' tone. He was one of the new outbounders, and I had liked him instantly. He was sarcastic and fun, and I'd started hanging out with him and Dane outside of work.
"Yes."
"Is Brandon his friend too?"
"Yes."
"Has Brandon ever seen the way he looks at you?"
"Is that what this is about?"
"Um, yes." Dane had always acted like an older brother toward me, and working together had made it much more pronounced.
"Guys, it's nothing."
"It didn't look like nothing."
"Let it go." I sat down and turned my headset back on, getting a call that ended the conversation for good. However, I learned that Ross and Dane weren't going to let it go that quickly. They harped on it for a while after that, and glared at Alejandro every time he walked by. I rolled my eyes at their behavior, but secretly wondered what they had seen that I hadn't. Alejandro had always been flirtatious, but I chalked it up to his personality and ignored it. Maybe Dane and Ross were right to be cautious.

It was too bad I didn't listen to them.

Philadelphia

2010-04-26T21:00:00.002-04:00

**I have to ask...did ANYONE see this post before today? We had a really nasty storm Sunday into Monday, and when I was writing this, it wouldn't save the draft. It kept saying something about an autosave error. But when I published it, it said it published...I don't know, it's being weird. Anyway, here it is!!! Also, I'll be out of town Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. There will be scheduled posts for Friday and Saturday, but comment moderation may be behind. I do get e-mail on my new phone (I got a Palm Pre Plus!) but will probably be busy and unable to check it as often as I do now. Thanks for understanding!**

The next day, we woke at 8 AM. I was used to this, from working 9-5, but Brandon was not doing well with all the early rising. I didn't feel any different at all. I know it was entirely illogical, but I was expecting things to feel completely different. Instead, they felt exactly the same. The house looked the same (except the wedding gifts everywhere) and we went through the same exact routine as we did every morning. I let Lager out while Brandon poured coffee. We enjoyed our cups in the gorgeous July morning, watching Lager chasing bugs and birds through the yard. When he was done, we went back inside and fed him, then ourselves. Halfway through our cereal, Tanya and Trent arrived. I finished my breakfast really quickly, then collected the camera cards while Tanya had some coffee. A few minutes later, we were all ready and we left to print the photos.

That took significantly longer than we were expecting, due to the sheer number of photos that had been taken. This resulted in us hanging around Rite Aid for a while. While we were there, I got a call from my mom.

"J?"
"Hi, Mom."
"Hi. Are you sitting down?"
"Nope." I was crouched down by one of the machines, watching it print my photos.
"You probably should." I sat on the floor.
"Ok, I'm sitting. What's up?"
"You got a check in the mail today."
"For what?"
"When you moved, you became an independent student." I'd been attending South University online for health science since February.
"What does that mean?"
"It means you get unsubsidized Stafford Loans now."
"Ok." I was still confused.
"The check is from Sallie Mae...it's part of your loan." Suddenly, things clicked. When Mom had gone back to school, she had gotten disbursement checks and used them to help out around the house and buy herself a little used car.
"How much?"
"$1,215." I was glad, at that moment, that she had told me to sit. I would've fallen over if I hadn't.
"Are you serious?"
"Yes. Now remember, this isn't free money...it's part of your loan, you'll have to repay it."
"I know, Mom."
"So make sure to use it responsibly."
"I will, Mom. I think we'll use it for our trip." We were taking a honeymoon to see Savannah at the end of August, and I wanted to save the money for that.
"That sounds like a good idea. Are you guys coming by?"
"Yeah, we'll drop off your copies of the photos before we leave for Philadelphia."
"Ok, see you soon." We hung up and I went back to watching photos print. When Brandon came over a few minutes later, I stood up and leaned close to him to tell him the news. His mom didn't approve of taking student loans for two reasons. The first was that she had paid her own way through college, and the second was something called the Hope scholarship. Apparently, if we moved to Georgia, we could go to college for free as long as we earned a 3.0 or better in our first semester. Tanya constantly used the Hope scholarship as incentive to get us to move. It hadn't worked yet (I loved Pennsylvania), but she kept trying. Because she didn't approve of taking loans, I didn't want her to hear about the stipend.

"Guess what, babe?"
"What? Why are you whispering?"
"Because I know your mom doesn't like student loans and I got a stipend from mine."
"What does that mean?"
"They sent me a check."
"Really?"
"Yeah."
"How much?" I told him. "Oh my god!" A few people looked at him.
"Yeah, I know."
"Can we use it for our trip?"
"Yeah, I thought the same exact thing."
"Awesome!" Tanya walked over at that moment.
"We're all done printing, guys."
"Okay!" We walked over to the counter, where Brandon opened his wallet. Before he could take any money out, Tanya had already whipped out her credit card to pay for all four sets of photos. We had needed singles for her, singles for my parents, and doubles for ourselves. With seven camera cards to print from, that came to hundreds of photos and wasn't cheap.

When we had all the photos collected, we went back out to the Nissan. On the way to my parents' house, I looked through them. They had come out pretty nicely, and there were a few exceptional shots. When we got to my parents' house, I took one of the sets inside. Mom took them, then handed me my check. I looked at it and then laughed.
"That's awesome."
"Yeah, it is." She started looking through the pictures. "So are you guys going to Philly for the day?"
"Yeah, we're going to go ahead and leave...I'll talk to you later!"
"Okay!" I went and got back in the car, and we left for Philadelphia.

The drive was long, and big trucks kept honking at us. Brandon wasn't driving slow (exactly the opposite), so I didn't understand why it kept happening. After the twelfth or so time, I finally flipped out.
"Oh my god! Why do they keep honking at us?!"
"Maybe it's because it says Just Married on your back window?" I laughed, mostly because Trent was right.
"Oh. Yeah, that makes sense." While we were cleaning up, Emily and Trent had decorated the Nissan. Some of the decorations were still there.

About three hours later, we were in Philadelphia. We had plans to go to the Franklin Institute and then see the Liberty Bell and other historical sights. Tanya worked for the government, so she was really into things like that. The Franklin Institute was for Brandon, since he was a huge science nerd. We made the FI our first stop, and Tanya bought us tickets to their special exhibit. It was on pirates...apparently, they had stuff from an actual shipwreck. We walked through the whole Institute before finally going to the pirate exhibit, which both excited and aggravated Brandon. Things like this turned him into a child again...he wanted to do everything all at once. Pirates were an absolute fascination for him, but so was science. He played in the giant heart and with a chair that allowed you to lift your own weight. There was the giant pendulum he wanted to watch, and the Skybike he wanted to ride. I laughed at his happiness...science always was his strong suit, and he delighted in explaining things to the three of us. Finally, we had seen everything and it was time to go through the pirate thing. The line was immense, so Brandon entertained his mom and I by fidgeting and acting generally like a 5 year old.

When we got into the exhibit, the wait was absolutely worth it. They had a recreation of the ship (made out of fiberglass) that you could actually walk through, and had pieces of silver and gold that had been salvaged off the ocean floor. There were biographies on the pirates that had been on board when the ship went down, and a short video about the storm and resultant shipwreck. I now understood why Brandon had been so excited...the exhibit was awesome! When we were done with that, it was time for lunch. We found a little cafe and Tanya bought lunch, which frustrated Brandon. He wanted to treat his mom for once, but she always grabbed the bill before we could.

After lunch, we made a beeline for the Liberty Bell. We had left the Nissan in a paid parking lot so we could just walk around to our destinations. Driving in Philadelphia was difficult at best. The entire walk to the Liberty Bell was full of Trent complaining. He was not one for exercise...instead, he spent most of his time watching movies, TV, and playing video games. He rarely walked this much and was very vocal about his suffering. Tanya just rolled her eyes when he whined. We finally arrived and got a chance to see the Liberty Bell, which I had never seen before. This fact shocked Tanya.
"How long have you lived in Pennsylvania?"
"Since I was three months old." I'd been born in New Jersey.
"And you've never seen the Liberty Bell?"
"Nope."
"This is an essential part of our history!"
"I know." She laughed.
"Well, at least you've seen it now." After taking a few pictures with the Bell, we walked out of the hall and looked around. "What is there to do now?" I shrugged. I rarely came to Philadelphia, despite living only three hours from it. At that moment, a double decker tour bus drove by and Tanya nodded. "Ok, we're doing that." The bus parked across the street from where we were standing, and we crossed. Tanya bought tickets (much to Brandon's chagrin) and we climbed onto the bus. It was another incredibly hot day but Tanya wanted to sit on the upper level, which was exposed. She thought the pictures would be better up there.

"Hi, everyone! My name is Desiree, and I'll be your tour guide today. Is anyone from out of the area?" A few people, including Tanya, raised their hands and Desiree went through and asked them all where they were from. Tanya and Trent had come the farthest, and of course Desiree asked why they were visiting.
"My son got married yesterday." She pointed him out, and the entire upper section started cheering and clapping. I turned a shade of red that didn't occur in nature, and Brandon just shook his head and thanked everyone.

Once things calmed down, Desiree called the bus driver and told him to head out. We went through the tour, which was awesome. They took us through Philadelphia and showed us all the historical sights. My favorite was the Eastern State Penitentiary. I had always wanted to take a tour of the inside and see the cells that were supposedly haunted. That kind of thing intrigued me.

By the time our tour was done, the sun was beginning to set and we'd seen every historical sight there was in Philadelphia. We got off the tour bus, left a generous tip for Desiree (she had been very funny), and headed back to the parking lot we'd left the Nissan in. It was a long walk, and Trent forced us to listen to more complaining. I was getting quite grumpy as well, but it didn't have to do with the exercise. I was hot, which always put me in a bad mood, and Trent's complaining was terribly annoying. However, I held my tongue. I had only been part of the family for 24 hours and didn't know how well telling him to shut up would go over. Thankfully, I didn't have to think about it long.
"Trent, would you just shut up?" Tanya was looking at him with the most aggravated look I'd ever seen.
"But I'm tired."
"Keep it to yourself." He stuck his tongue out at her, which made her roll her eyes. But he stayed quiet for the last few blocks to the car, which was about a million degrees inside. This set off another round of whining from Trent, which even Tanya couldn't stop. Distracted by his brother's annoying complaints, Brandon took a wrong turn and went across the bridge.

I looked around at the buildings near us, confused.
"Babe, I don't think you went the right way."
"Me either." He was peering out the window. Suddenly, a red car pulled up beside us. The people inside, who appeared about college age, were hanging out the windows and yelling. I raised my eyebrows, wondering if they were drunk. However, I soon realized that wasn't the case.
"CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" was followed by some hooting, and I realized that they were responding to the "Just Married" on the back window. Brandon honked to acknowledge them, and they pulled back into their car and sped away. While we were laughing, I realized where we were.
"Oh, we're in Camden." Blank stare from Brandon. "New Jersey?"
"Oh!" I nodded.
"Yeah, you crossed the bridge into Camden."
"Well, let's turn around." He found a parking lot and swung around to go back across the bridge. We were shocked to find out we'd have to pay a toll.
"Wow, is New Jersey trying to keep people in, or is PA trying to keep people out?"
"I'm not sure." Brandon laughed as he ponied up the $3. We made a few more jokes about having to pay to get back into our home state as we left Philadelphia, then started talking about the things we'd seen that day. Brandon was still absolutely obsessed with the pirate shipwreck, and Tanya was really into the history of the city. Trent wasn't saying a thing at all, and I was staring out the window at the view.

When we got back into our area, we stopped for dinner at a Denny's. I was exhausted and ready to drop, but ate anyway. I didn't realize how hungry I was until the chicken fingers were in front of me, and then I was starving. When the bill came, Tanya made no move to grab it. Brandon took it instead, obviously pleased that his mom was letting him pay for something. She had already spent hundreds on us that day, in addition to everything she had bought for the wedding and our Nissan just a few months earlier. Her generosity was appreciated, but often overwhelming. Of course, it wasn't over. As we were getting back in the car to go home, she brought up our wedding present. I wasn't expecting one from her, because she had bought so much just a few days before, but Tanya didn't do things that way.
"Are you going to be home on Friday between 2 and 5?"
"I won't be, but Brandon will." He had that Friday off. "Why?"
"Because they'll be delivering your new washer and dryer that day." I was speechless.
"Mom, you didn't need to do that."
"I know." We had been going to the laundromat since we moved in, and this would save us about $20 a week.

After another hour, we were back at the house. Tanya and Trent left almost immediately, since they would be departing for Arkansas early the next morning. Brandon and I went inside, spent some time with Lager, and then fell into bed. Traveling always took a lot out of me, and I was ready to sleep for hours.

Too bad I had to go back to work the next day.

The Big Day, Part 2!

2010-04-24T21:00:00.003-04:00

The entire way to the park, the girls were talking excitedly around me. Brandon and I had been together for three years, and it seemed that everyone was simply waiting around for us to get married. My mind, on the other hand, was focused firmly on the meshy layer of my dress. It was sticking to the back of my thighs as I drove, making me incredibly uncomfortable. At the time, it seemed like the most important thing in the world.

10 minutes later, we pulled up and my family accosted me.
"We need pictures!" My mom dragged me over to a grove of pine trees and made me pose in photos with everyone except Brandon. He was standing by the altar, watching the priestess set things up. My mom had been unable to find a priest willing to do a non-religious ceremony, so she found a local priestess instead. When we were done with photos, it was time to move to the tent to start the ceremony. However, Tiff and Jake hadn't arrived yet and I refused to start things without them. Instead, we stood around and talked for a bit. I was eyeing the edges of the tent, trying to figure out if I could escape under them and run off, but I noticed that Brandon's groomsmen were standing on them to hold them down. I smiled. Months before the wedding, I had told Alex that my mom tried to climb out a window on her wedding day to get away and asked him to stop me if I tried. It looked like he was doing his best. I looked up to see Melanie teaching her daughter Gabriella to throw the petals. Every time Gabby would toss a few, Melanie would pick them up and put them back in the basket. It was adorable to watch.

They finally arrived at 3:20, and it was time to start the wedding. The DJ (a girl I used to dance with) cued the music, and the walk down the aisle began. Joel and Gabby began the trip down the aisle, with Melanie walking beside Gabby. Melanie got her started by throwing a few petals out, and Geena stopped and picked them up to put them back in her basket. It was hilarious. Once they were halfway down the aisle, Delilah began with the photo of Harlow cradled in one arm and her bouquet in the other. Emily and Trent went out behind her. They looked distinctly uncomfortable with one another. Alex and Ariana went next with Ariana's long dress brushing against the linen aisle we'd laid down. Finally, it was Lana and T.J.'s turn, and they went without "gangster walking", which they had jokingly threatened to do at the rehearsal the day before. When everyone had taken their places beside the stone altar, it was my turn. I looked at my dad and sighed.
"Here we go." I took his arm and we walked out of the tent and began the trip down the aisle. It was a short trip, but my brain made it about 10 times as long. The entire time, it was coaching me.
It's okay, J. Don't trip. Don't make an idiot out of yourself. Don't fall on your face. You're okay. It'll be fine.
It was repetitive, but weirdly reassuring. We got to the end of the aisle, where my dad was to give me away to Brandon, and my dad stuck his leg out to try to trip me. My dad always did goofy stuff like that...it was just one of his things. I sidestepped him deftly, having been ready for something like that, and he placed my hand in Brandon's.

Standing there facing Brandon, I realized that we were finally at the point of no return. I had no choice but to be ready. He gave me a goofy smile, and suddenly everything melted away. There was nothing left but this moment with this man in this place. I wasn't afraid or nervous anymore. In fact, I had never been more sure of anything in my entire life.

Grace, the priestess, gave us both a smile.
"Ready?" She asked us in an undertone, and we both nodded. She began the ceremony, and I stared at Brandon. It was ridiculously hot, and I was sweating to death under my gown. All I could wonder was how he must feel in his tux. We went through the ceremony staring at each other, repeating the words Grace asked us to repeat. Finally, after twenty minutes of this, it was time to light the unity candle. Before the ceremony began, my mom had lit a sky blue taper for me and Tanya had lit a spring green taper for Brandon. Now, we lifted the tapers out of their holders on either side of the huge white pillar candle and touched them to the wick. It lit without a problem, and we snuffed out the tapers. Grace gave another small speech, and then it was time to exchange rings. Brandon picked my ring up off the pillow and repeated the words Grace gave him. When he was done, he slid the ring on my finger and it was my turn. I picked his ring up and repeated the same words, then slid his onto his finger. With a smile, Grace pronounced us man and wife, and Brandon pulled me in for a kiss.

There was a bunch of cheering from the small group of guests, and then Brandon and I walked back down the aisle followed by our wedding party. It was time for photos. We were immediately dragged away to a gorgeous green field beside the lake and forced through a million more poses. When we were doing the family photos, I paused.
"Mom, where is Dad?" She pointed. My dad had already changed into an old t-shirt and shorts and was shooting Joel (also changed) with a giant Super Soaker. "Oh. Ok then." We finished photo taking half an hour later, which was not soon enough. The heat was oppressive and I couldn't wait to peel my gown off. We were going to be playing baseball and volleyball after dinner. "Awesome, now I can get out of this dress!"
"No, not yet!" Tanya spoke up and I sighed.
"What?"
"You guys have to dance." I groaned and took Brandon's hand. We went back to our linen aisle as the DJ cued Broken, which had been our song since the beginning of our relationship. We danced to the song as everyone snapped photos, and then it was my dad's turn. He didn't even change back to his black pants and white shirt. We danced to I Loved Her First with Dad in his t-shirt and cargo shorts. When the dances were over and everyone was satisfied with the photos, I fled to the bathroom with my girls flanking me.

We squeezed into the bathroom, which was about as clean as all other park bathrooms (read: not very)...but we didn't care. Dresses flew off in record time, and we were quickly back in more comfortable clothing. I pulled on jeans and rolled them up to my knees, and then the girls helped me slip my t-shirt on to prevent ruining my hair. Lilah was also wearing rolled up jeans with a plaid shirt, and the other girls were in shorts and t-shirts as well. We looked ridiculous with our gorgeous hair and normal clothing, but we didn't even care.

When we came back out, everyone was crowding the pavilion. The caterer, who had been grilling during the entire ceremony, had announced that dinner was done and set out giant pans of hamburgers, hot dogs, and barbecue chicken. With the rest of the food (all homemade), we had a huge spread that everyone dug into quickly. The barbecue was absolutely amazing, especially the chicken, and we all ate more than we should. Tanya had set up the chocolate fountain, and that quickly became a huge hit. She had arranged strawberry halves, thick banana slices, and large bing cherries on one round platter and Lorna Doone shortbread cookies, small Rice Krispie squares, and huge marshmellows on the other. It didn't take long for almost half of the stuff to be gone. I was especially partial to the strawberries and the marshmellows. Joel, Elliott, Tristan, and Gabby were covered in chocolate...as little kids, they hadn't quite mastered eating without getting half of it on your face. The runny, melted chocolate made it even harder for them. Of course, that was nothing...there was still the cake. We had done things simply, so we'd had a sheet cake made with one round tier on top. It was a marble cake done in whipped cream frosting, and I was shocked at how beautiful it came out.
"Ok, everyone! Cake time!" Brandon came over, and we began cutting the cake together. Cameras began going off all around us as we put small pieces of cake on plates.

A few minutes later, we were all eating cake, which was absolutely delicious. I loved marble cake, and this one was especially great. I had just finished my slice and set the plate aside when I was accosted from behind by Brandon. He had gotten a piece of cake and shoved it in my face.
"Oh my god!" I jumped up, frosting all over my cheek. "Babe!" I grabbed a slice and started chasing him. When I finally caught up to him, I got him back. Everyone was laughing too hard to get photos, which was good. We went to the outside spigot and cleaned ourselves off, but Brandon had actually pushed upward when he got me. The unpleasant side effect of this was that I had frosting up my nose. I blew my nose on a napkin a few times while the others, who had gone back to their cake, finished eating.

Once everyone was stuffed full and Brandon and I were totally cleaned up, we made our way over to the baseball fields and chose teams. It was bride v. groom, and it didn't take long to be separated. My mom, Melanie, and Tanya sat out. They were on the bench between the field and the playground, where they could keep an eye on the kids playing while watching the game.

We weren't the best baseball players, but we all quickly got into the groove of things. Brandon's team was kicking my team's butt, mostly because he got T.J. on his team. T.J. was a big jock, and was a fantastic baseball player. A few innings in, a bunch of guys walked up. My team was at bat, so they talked to my dad while he waited his turn. He came over to me as I was going up to bat.
"Apparently, there is a baseball game here today."
"Aw, really?"
"Yeah, these gentlemen are going to need the field after this inning to warm up."
"Okay." I took my turn at bat and failed miserably. A few more people, and we had scored one more run. It wasn't enough to catch up to Brandon's team, though, and they beat us by 4 points when we called the game.

Everyone was disappointed to be leaving the field, but we wouldn't stand in the way of another game. As I left the field, one of the guys nodded at me.
"Congratulations!" I laughed.
"How could you tell I was the bride?" The other girls had gorgeous updos as well.
"Your dad pointed you out." I laughed again.
"Well, thanks, guys! Good luck!" We gathered our stuff and headed back to our pavilion. Earlier that morning, the guys had set up a volleyball net near it, and we decided we'd go play that instead.

Again, we separated into teams, but the number of people made traditional team play a bit impossible. Instead, there were at least a dozen people crammed onto each side of the net, trying their hardest to hit the ball without hitting each other. I played for a few minutes, but I was losing a lot of energy. I never realized how severely stress exhausted me, and I was drained. I excused myself and wandered down through the trees, watching the sun set. In a grove of trees, I found my mom and Tanya sitting on a large swing talking about kids. I sat down on the ground next to their swing and sighed.
"Mom, I'm tired."
"Sorry."
"Thanks...and we still have to clean up."
"Yeah, I know." The pavilion was a huge wreck. I dreaded it, and it looked like my mom did too. I laid down in the cool grass with another sigh. It had been a long day, and of course it wasn't over. I heard a painful shout and then someone was screaming my name.
"J?!" I saw Dane come running through the trees, searching for me. "J?!" Brandon was walking behind him, cradling his left hand in his right. My mom, Tanya, and I watched Dane point to us and then followed Brandon with our eyes as he came over.
"Babe? I think my finger is broken."
"WHAT?!" I jumped up and looked at his hand. His left ring finger (the irony) was swollen and very red. "What did you do?"
"I was setting the ball up so your dad could spike it and it messed up my finger really bad."
"Oh god, babe." I shook my head.
"At least he managed to spike it at Trent. It was funny." I laughed despite myself.
"I guess we'll have to buy you a splint." Tanya was shaking her head.
"Probably."
"Well, let's start cleaning up while they finish their game."

We walked back to the pavilion and started getting things together. Brandon was helping as much as possible, but he was holding his left hand against his chest to protect the finger. He wasn't much help one handed. However, everyone eventually realized what we were doing and stopped playing volleyball to help. As the pavilion got cleaned up and reverted back to its normal state, everyone started to leave. The DJ packed up her equipment, gave me a hug, and left with her boyfriend and children. Lilah left soon after that, followed by Lana and T.J. Alex and Ariana were next, and Jake and Tiff left after them. More and more people came up to give us their congratulations before leaving, and we were finally left with my family, Brandon's mom and brother, and Ron and Melanie. They helped us gather up the gifts and the leftover food and drinks and load them into the Nissan. In the parking lot, Ron went into their Jetta and pulled out a bunch of fabric. I was confused until he stretched it out. It was a giant fleece Seahawks blanket.
"OH MY GOD!" Brandon looked at Ron. "Is this for us?"
"Yeah, it's your wedding gift."
"AWESOME!" He took it from Ron with his good hand. "Thank you!!!" He put it in the backseat with the other gifts as I hugged everyone.
"Thank you all so much. We'll see you all later!" We climbed in the Nissan and pulled out of the parking lot, followed by all their cars.

When we got home, we unloaded everything and set to opening wedding gifts. My uncle, who was in the Navy and stationed in California, had sent me a mixing bowl set and Brandon a Seahawks Keg-a-que (which he was thrilled about). We'd gotten cash from quite a few people (including Ron and Melanie) and I got some mint chocolate M&Ms premium from Tristan (through Jake). One of Brandon's aunts had sent us a wok, and another sent a crockpot. Caroline (the old owner of our Nissan) had sent a box full of kitchen supplies, including a gorgeous recipe box with a few recipes included. We had gotten cards from just about everyone who attended. A few of our friends hadn't been able to afford gifts, and we didn't care. Just having them there was enough for us.

Once the gifts had been opened and a list had been made for thank you cards, we were finally able to relax. I melted the rest of the chocolate from the fountain (which Tanya had given us) and ate a few strawberries and bananas while Brandon watched TV. An hour later, we were completely exhausted, so we decided to head to bed. We had plans to go to Philadelphia the next day with Tanya and Trent, and we wanted to make sure we could get up early enough to print the wedding photos off the camera cards we had collected from our families and Ron.

Trent had gone to the hotel with Tanya so we could have some privacy that night, and we took full advantage of it. Afterwards, I was so exhausted I couldn't even move. I snuggled up against Brandon and sighed. All the nerves about making a bad decision were long gone, and I felt wonderful.

So this is what it feels like to be married...

...feels kind of the same, actually.

The Big Day, Part 1!

2010-04-23T21:00:00.003-04:00

A week before the wedding, we learned that Harlow would not be able to get the time off work to attend and stand up for Brandon. One of her coworkers had been forced to take emergency bedrest to prevent losing her baby, so the rest of the staff at the private airport was expected to cover her hours. Even though they'd already approved the request, her bosses told her that she couldn't take the days off and expect to return to her job. Since she needed the money, she had to make the painful choice. Brandon and I were disappointed, but we understood completely. The week after she told us went by faster than I ever could've expected. I had taken the 12th, 14th, and 15th off work (outbounds always had Sundays off) and we were expecting Tanya and Trent on the 11th.

For once, everything went calmly. Tanya and Trent made the trip without any problems, and we spent all of Saturday shopping for the wedding. Tanya insisted on buying me a pearl and crystal comb for my hair, and picked up the unity candle holder. She had brought a chocolate fondue fountain for the reception, so we also swung by our local Sam's Club so she could buy fruit, marshmellows, and cookies to use with it.

I spent our entire shopping trip coordinating the next day's rehearsal through text. The wedding was outside, so there wasn't much to figure out, but I still wanted everyone to come to the park so we could hammer out small details. We had already decided not to find a last minute replacement for Harlow, and instead printed a photo of her in her dress for Lilah to carry down the aisle. When we got back to the house, I was completely exhausted and ready for a nap. However, there was still a lot to do. We had to get the favor boxes finished, as well as a million other things.

We didn't do any of that Saturday night, choosing instead to eat dinner and play the Wii all night. Sunday ended up being the day we did everything, including rushing around picking up last minute items. When Sunday night rolled around, we had everything finished and I was absolutely terrified.
By this time tomorrow, you'll be Mrs. Brandon.
Shut up, brain.
Scared yet?
Duh.
I sat on the end of the couch and watched Brandon and his brother play Wii Sports tennis. Finally, I tapped Brandon on the shoulder.
"Babe, we should really get to bed."
"Why so early?" It was only 9 PM, and even I didn't usually hit the sack until 11.
"Because we have to get up at 6 AM."
"Ew."
"I know. Let's go." We left Trent in the living room (Tanya was staying at a hotel) and went to sleep.

Our alarm went off at 6 AM on July 14th, and I sat straight up.
Today's the day...
I could've sworn my brain was mocking me. I got out of bed and got dressed, then shoved Brandon.
"Get up, babe."
"No."
"Yes."
"No. Wake me up at 3." That was what time the wedding started.
"No, get up." Brandon grumbled a few times, and then dragged himself out of bed. I grabbed my wedding dress and ran out into the living room. My trusty coffeemaker had already brewed a fresh pot, thanks to the preset feature I had discovered, and I poured myself a cup. Two sips in, I heard rocks crunching as Tanya's rental pull into the driveway. She came inside a minute later.
"Ready to go?"
"Yes." Brandon came out of our room a minute later, his tux in hand. Trent had also gotten dressed, albeit grumpily since he had been playing Wii until 4:30 AM.
"Ok, good." We carried all the boxes out to the car and went to the park.

We got to the park and started decorating the pavilion. Tableclothes went down, and Brandon started building the little card receptacle. It was supposed to be a wishing well, but it was mostly a bunch of aggravation. Lana and T.J., who were part of the wedding party, had offered to help us decorate and showed up around 7:30. They both seemed far too chipper for that early.
"Hi, guys!"
"Hi." Lana came up to me and helped me put the small centerpieces on the tables.
"Are you excited?"
"Yeah!" I nodded, but inside I was falling apart. Was this the right decision?

Another hour, and the pavilion looked beautiful. Next was the tent the wedding party would wait in. It was a foldaway tent that had to be erected, and Lana and I stood around watching the guys do it. It took them another hour (and a lot of cursing), but it was finally done and they stood back.
"How does it look, babe?" Brandon looked at me. He was covered in sweat from the humid summer morning.
"It looks good." I checked my cell phone. It was 9:30, and our hair appointment was at 10:00. I looked at Lana. "Shoot, we have to go!" Lana checked hers too.
"Oh yeah, we do." I took the car keys from Brandon and gave him a kiss.
"See you at 3, sweetie." Lana and I got in my Nissan and took off, and the guys went with Tanya to pick up the cake and a few other things.

I got to the hair salon with a few minutes to spare, so I called the other members of my bridal party. Lilah was already walking down the street from her parking space, Alex and Ariana were only a few minutes away, and Emily was a minute away from being dropped off by my parents. Satisfied that everyone was going to be here, Lana and I went inside.
"Hello, J!"
"Hi, Susan!" Susan had been my hairdresser since I was 14, and knew my hair better than I did. She had been there through all the silly high school dances and bad haircuts, and even convinced me to keep my hair black when I considered taking it back to my normal light brown.
"Have you looked at some styles you'd like?"
"Yeah, but I didn't find anything that jumped out. Do you have some books?" She pointed to a pile of updo books and Lana and I looked at them. Shortly, we were joined by the other three. Alex and Ariana walked in and I gave Alex a huge hug. He and I had been friends since first grade, so my wedding was a big thing for both of us. He left to join the guys (who had gotten the cake and were returning to the house to play more Wii) and Ariana sat down to scour the book. Twenty minutes later, we had chosen our hairstyles.
"Ok, who are we going to start with?" I pointed to Lilah.
"Can you do Lilah's first?" She nodded, and Lilah took her seat.

I painted my nails in a pale gold polish while Lilah got her hair pulled into a gorgeous updo. Next, it was my turn. I took the seat and Susan started to curl my hair.
"So, are you nervous?"
"Absolutely." We chatted about cold feet for a few minutes before a HUGE commotion from the door grabbed our attention.
"You can NOT come in here!"
"What are you doing?" I heard Brandon's voice.
"I was just bringing you guys breakfast."
"Well, you can't see J!"
"I just saw her this morning."
"Doesn't matter." I turned in time to see the girls shoving him out the door. Tanya walked in a minute later, laughing. She set a box of donuts and a six pack of orange juice cartons on the counter. Susan walked over to get me a donut, and I watched as Tanya handed her a credit card. I couldn't hear what they said, but Susan returned to me a few minutes later with my breakfast.
"She just paid for everyone's updos."
"Are you serious?!"
"Yes." I looked at the others.
"Tanya just paid for everyone." Their reactions were identical to mine.

The rest of the appointment went uneventfully. My hair was set in beautiful curls and Susan rested the pearl comb snugly against the top of my head to hold them back. Emily, Ariana, and Lana got matching updos with small white silk flowers in them, and we all painted our nails gold. We finished around 12:30 and thanked Susan profusely before leaving. We walked outside and Lilah turned to me.
"I forgot the bra that I need for this dress, so I'll have to run home." She lived about half an hour away.
"Ok, that's fine." It was then that I realized I'd forgotten to burn a CD of a few songs I needed. I called my mom.
"Mom!"
"Yeah, J?"
"I need you to go to my house, boot up the laptop, and burn me a CD."
"Ok, what do you need on it?"
"I need Rhapsody on a Theme by Paganini, Broken, and I Loved Her First."
"Ok, I'll do that."

I got into my Nissan, followed by Lana, Ariana, and Emily.
"Ok, guys, we have to go pick up the flowers, and then we'll meet Lilah at her dad's house in an hour. By that time, it'll be around 2:30 and we'll need to go to Alexis' house, get dressed, and go to the park." They all nodded, and we pulled out of the parking lot to go to the florists. I had chosen white carnations in tight bouquets for the flowers, because carnations were my favorite flower. I was surprised by how inexpensive they ended up being, especially for the number we had gotten. In addition to the five bouquets for myself and the girls, we had gotten one for the photo of Harlow and 4 boutennieres. I picked up the large order of flowers and then headed to Lilah's dad's house. When I was a block away, my cell started going off. It was Lilah, but as I went to answer it, it shut off.
"Oh my god!" I was freaking out.
"What happened?"
"Brandon forgot to charge my phone!"
"Seriously?"
"Yes! I asked him to plug it in last night, and he didn't."
"That sucks."
"Yeah, it does." We pulled up in front of Lilah's dad's and got out.

"Sorry I didn't answer...my phone died."
"It's okay...so, where are we going to change?"
"My sister's house."
"Okay, let me grab the dress." Apparently, Lilah's stepmom had altered the dress slightly, so she had it.
"Okay." Lilah ran inside, returning a few minutes later with a small garment bag. She got in her car, and we drove to Alexis' house.

There, the girls changed and started doing each other's makeup. I took the bathroom, where I slid into my gown and carefully applied my foundation, peach eyeshadow, blush, and lip gloss. When I was done, I stared at myself in the mirror.
Are you ready for this?
As ready as I'll ever be.
That wasn't very convincing.
I love him.
You're 21.
Shut up, brain.
A knock sounded, and I heard Emily's voice.
"J, it's 2:40, we need to go!" I took a deep breath and walked out of the bathroom to gasps and clapping.
"Oh my god, look at you!" Lilah was beaming. "You're beautiful."
"Your dress is beautiful, J."
"Thanks, Ariana." Lana and Emily didn't say anything at all, just smiled and stared. "Are you guys ready?"
"Are you?" I nodded.
"Yeah, I am." We walked out the door and into the gorgeous July sunshine. I couldn't believe that I was about to become someone's Mrs. As we got into my Nissan, my brain spoke up one last time.

Too late to turn back now, J.

Oh, Lana...

2010-04-22T21:00:00.000-04:00

Work in June was even worse than usual. The beautiful weather made me resent spending the best part of my day inside. It was even worse when I got home. Brandon and I had no time to spend together and we were sharing the Nissan, so I had no way to leave the house between 6 PM and bedtime. I was starting to feel a little cabin fever, compounded by the fact that the wedding was only 6 weeks away. The only saving grace was having friends at work, like Lana and Dane. Of course, things that are bad can always get worse, as I was about to find out.

Lana called off one day in early June. Since she had been having knee problems recently, I was worried. On our first break, Dane and I called her.
"Hello?"
"Lana?"
"Hey!"
"Hey...you called off today?"
"Yeah, my knee is still acting up."
"So what's going on?"
"I am having an MRI done today."
"Do they think you're going to need surgery?"
"They think it's a good possibility."
"Well, let us know what happens."
"Ok, I will."

We went to the dollar store next door to the call center and picked up some snacks, returning about 10 minutes later than we should. Our breaks were only 10 minutes, but we hated doing outbound and frequently took 20 minute breaks. As long as we didn't do it every single day, our supervisors often looked the other way. By the time our next break rolled around, I had missed a call from Lana.
"Did she leave a voicemail?"
"Yeah." I called my voicemail and put it on speaker.

"Hey, guys, it's me. Um...they weren't really able to tell what was going on from the MRI, so I think I have to go in for exploratory surgery. I probably won't be back into work any time soon. Call me if you get the chance, talk to you guys later!"

I ended the call and looked at Dane.
"What are we supposed to do without Lana?" She was so much fun to be around.
"I know...breaks are going to be so boring." I laughed as I remembered Lana and I chasing Dane around the dollar store with foam swords. The three of us had quickly become friends when Dane came out onto the call floor and were known as the Three Musketeers by our supervisors.
"Well, at least she'll be back soon."
"Yeah, that's true."

We went back into work and passed the rest of the day uneventfully.

The weeks slid by without Lana. She had undergone the exploratory surgery and had some cysts removed from her knee. Afterward, she was given two weeks of medical leave by the company. Dane and I eagerly awaited her return after the two weeks, only to be disappointed. We walked in the Monday she was supposed to return and sat in our normal seats. 9 AM rolled around without any Lana.
"Maybe she's just running late?"
"Maybe." Lana was never late. When 9:30 rolled around, we knew that wasn't the case. I turned to one of our supervisors.
"Terri, where is Lana?"
"I don't know...she didn't call off today."
"Oh." I pulled my cell phone out, careful to hide it under my desk. Cell phones were expressly forbidden on the call floor, and having one out was an instant writeup. I quickly fired off a text message.

Dane and I are missing you today...what happened?

A few minutes later, my phone vibrated in my pocket. I pulled it out.

I'm not coming in anymore...I quit.

"Oh my god, Dane!" He was on a call, so I waited a few minutes for him to finish and then touched his shoulder. "You have to read this." He did and then looked at me.
"Why?" I responded to her with that question and got my response a few minutes later.
"She said the time off made her realize how much she hated this place and that she's going to get a job at the trauma center with T.J."
"Aw."
"Yeah." It definitely made our day worse. I had become such good friends with Lana that I couldn't imagine not seeing her every day at work. I guess she had called in a few minutes after she texted me, because Terri walked up behind Dane and I.
"Lana quit."
"Oh really?" I had to act surprised so I wouldn't get in trouble for having my cell phone.
"Yeah." She walked back to her desk and I sighed.
"I'll miss her here."
"Me too."
"But she'll be in my wedding...you're coming, right?"
"Absolutely."
"Ok, so it isn't like we all won't see each other!"
"Yeah, it'll be fine."

I missed her at work, but Lana and I were still friends. We went to the mall and played sports at the park (she mostly sat out) pretty often. With her gone, Dane and I became closer friends. We had been friends before he started there, but it wasn't a very serious friendship. When we started working together, I learned that he was hilarious, sarcastic, and made my day less boring. The closer we got, the more people started to talk. Eventually, I made the joke that he was my "work husband". Neither of us had romantic inclinations towards the other, but it was kind of fun to fuel the rumors and then laugh at them...especially since he was more of an older brother to me than anything. Dane had met Brandon at my 21st birthday and respected him a lot, and Brandon felt the same way about Dane. When wedding invitations had gone out a few months before, he had definitely been on the list.

The rest of June faded away as we got used to Lana's absence at work. Before I knew it, it was the 1st of July. It was a Tuesday and I was sitting in my normal seat next to Dane. Halfway through the day, I laughed for no reason. Dane looked at me.
"What the hell was what?"
"I'm going to get married in 13 days."
"Yeah, I know."
"I'm going to be someone's Mrs."
"I know that too." I had been looking forward to the wedding, but I was suddenly terrified. My onset of "cold feet" brought some pretty serious questions with it. The most important one was: was I ready to be Mrs. Brandon Higgins?

It scared me even more that I didn't know the answer.

Moving In

2010-04-21T21:00:00.001-04:00

Tanya's trip was short, and only meant to bring us the car. We had gone to Denny's the night she arrived, where I tried my best to eat some vegetable beef soup and a milkshake. Both made the sockets hurt badly.

The next day was my followup appointment, where I learned that the empty sockets had in fact ended up infected.
"Have you tasted anything bitter?"
"Yes."
"Mmhmm, that's just a little drainage."
"You mean pus?"
"Yes." I shuddered. That idea was absolutely revolting to me. "There's nothing caught in the stitches, so I'm not sure where the infection originated from."
"Me either. I tried to keep them clean."
"Any pain?"
"Lots. Mostly when I talk."
"That's normal. I'm going to write you a prescription for an antibiotic and a special mouthwash." He started scribbling something on his pad. "Be careful with the antibiotic, it will stain teeth if used for more than the recommended time."
"Oh, that's lovely." He laughed and handed me the prescriptions. I left, and the three of us went to Wal-Mart. I needed to get my prescriptions filled, and Tanya wanted to pick us up some stuff for our new house.

We arrived and I took my prescriptions to the pharmacy while Brandon and Tanya started shopping. After dropping the slips off, I went to find them. They were in the cleaning aisle, and Brandon was pushing a cart that was already filling up. When Tanya did things, she never did them halfway. I walked up as she tossed dish detergent and sponges into the cart. She stopped next to the brooms and mops.
"Which ones do you want?" I pointed to a nice silver broom/dustpan set.
"That one is fine." It was also one of the cheaper ones. She grabbed it and set it in the cart, then looked at me again.
"Mop?"
"Just a sponge mop is fine." She picked out one of those and put it in the cart with the broom. We now had about a year's worth of paper towels, toilet paper, tissues, and all kinds of cleaning sprays. Like I said, she never did things halfway.
"What kind of appliances do you need?"
"I could use a griddle." Brandon loved to make french toast and our griddle was less than awesome.
"Ok." She grabbed the front of the cart and dragged it to the housewares section of the store. I crutched behind as quickly as I could, but still made it to the aisle a few minutes later than they did. By the time I got there, she'd already picked out a griddle and was surveying the coffeemakers. "Do you drink coffee?" Brandon shook his head.
"I do."
"Well, at least one of you has some sense." She laughed, and so did Brandon.
"Yeah, me!"
"Uh, no." Tanya loved coffee, and Brandon knew that. He laughed again. "So which one do you like, J?"
"I'm not sure..." I rarely made coffee at home, and told her so. "I usually just stop by Dunkin Donuts."
"This one is really nice, I have one just like it at home." She picked up a white Mr. Coffee and set it in the cart, then started walking again. By the time we were done, two hours later, my prescriptions were done and we had two carts full of stuff. I went and grabbed the bags with my medications and then joined them in the checkout line. Tanya paid for everything, including my medications, and wouldn't let us see the amount.

We went back to the house and took everything inside. Since we still had several weeks before we moved, we didn't bother unpacking anything.

The next day was Wednesday, and I had to head back to work. Brandon dropped me off so he could take his mom to the airport. Before he took me to work, we stopped by her hotel so I could say goodbye. However, it wasn't for long...she was going to be coming back to PA for the wedding in July.

--------------------------------------------------

The next few weeks went by slower than any period of time I'd ever experienced. We moved everything possible up to the new house, leaving just our bed, dresser, and nightstand at my parents' house. The closer we got to the move, the slower time went.

However, time did go by and May 31st finally arrived. We woke up that day more excited than we'd ever been. My dad had left his truck for us to move the larger stuff, so we immediately started loading it up. My parents were nice enough to give us the couch and loveseat out of their front sitting room (one of 4 sets in the house), so we took that up first. With help from my mom and sister, the rest of our stuff was at the new house within a few hours. They helped us unpack our boxes, and our house looked like a home by the time 3 PM rolled around.
"Well, we're going to head home...Joel will be off the bus at 3:45 and I have some cleaning up to do."
"And I have to go to class."
"Ok, thanks for helping! See you guys later!"
"Have fun in your new house!" They left, and I looked at Brandon.
"Well, then."
"Well." I sat down on the couch and looked around.

It was weird to me to be on my own. It was my first place. I already missed my family and my mom's crazy dogs. Here, it was just Lager. He was pacing around the house, sniffing every corner and sneezing when he inhaled dust. My mom had always said that no one could be considered an adult until they lived on their own. I was excited to be an adult, but scared at the same time.

Brandon and I were usually good with money, but had a tendency to make stupid purchases. This was the first time we'd be responsible for bills. We'd paid rent to my parents, but this was a completely different situation. I made these thoughts go away by tidying up and doing more unpacking. Brandon had to work from 6 PM to 2 AM, so we went food shopping to stock up the fridge and then I dropped him off.
"I love you, babe...see you at 2."
"Love you too...sorry I can't help you unload the groceries."
"Eh, it's okay."

I went home and got the groceries put away. We didn't have satellite TV or internet yet, so I had nothing to do. I had unpacked my books, so I pulled out Pride and Prejudice and began reading. 30 minutes in, I saw white outside the window.
Is there someone out there?!
I looked up and saw deer running through the yard. The white was their tails flashing behind them. I laughed at myself for being so jumpy and went back to reading.

A few chapters later, I heard something being thrown at the window.
Oh my god, there IS someone out there!!!
I looked up again, only to see moths flying into the window trying to get to the light. We hadn't put up curtains yet, and the window was wide open. I laughed at myself again.

Being alone in a new place was obviously making me a wuss.

The Nissan

2010-04-20T21:00:00.001-04:00

I had the next two days off work, which was good. My recovery was going very slowly and the swelling was intense. I was supposed to be taking steroids to reduce the swelling, but I'd given up on those the day I had the surgery. I couldn't swallow them because of the pain, and they were the absolute worst tasting pills ever. When it almost made me vomit, I decided to give up on them and deal with the swelling. I didn't realize what kind of issues that meant, and I spent days with puffed out cheeks.

The Friday after my surgery, we went to give Larry the rent for June so we could get the key. In an attempt to keep the swelling down, I'd been using ice packs for days. When Larry answered the door and saw me holding them to my face, he immediately shook his head.
"Now what did you do?!"
"I had my wisdom teeth out."
"Oh. Well, what can I do for you guys?"
"We came to pay the rent." Brandon handed him the money, and Larry invited us in so he could fill out a receipt. When he was done, he handed Brandon the house key and the receipt.
"Ok, you guys can start moving stuff in whenever you're ready."
"Great."
"But you're not going to take residence until June 1st, right?"
"Of course, that's what we signed the lease for."
"You can actually move in on the 31st if you wanted to."
"Okay." They chatted a bit more, and then Brandon and I left. My legs were sore and so was my face, so all I wanted was to lay down. While I rested (read: passed out), Brandon moved some boxes up to the new house. He couldn't wait to move. I was pretty excited about it as well, when I was coherent.

The next day, Saturday, I went back to work. It was excruciating. I was thrilled to see everyone again, but talking killed my cheeks and made the empty sockets throb. But I couldn't afford to miss any more work, so I suffered through it. I only had to work that day (outbound callers never worked Sundays, since outbound calling couldn't be done on Sundays) and then my schedule had me off on Monday and Tuesday. I was excited to see Tanya again, especially since she was coming alone. Trent had classes (he was a welding student), so he wasn't coming along.

The day dragged on slower than usual. I had told everyone about the car, and Dane had flipped out. Apparently, he was a huge fan of Nissan Sentras and begged for a chance to drive mine when we got it.
"Please, J, let me drive it at least once!"
"I don't know..."
"Please, please, please, please, please?!" I sighed theatrically and then gave him a smile. He was fun to talk to, and Lana and I had grown close to him.
"We'll see."
"That means yes."
"It does not mean yes."
"It always meant yes when I was a kid."
"Yeah, well, I'm not your mom." I turned to Lana, who was sitting on the other side of me. "You've been pretty quiet today...are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine...it's my knee. It's acting up again." Lana had undergone knee surgery when she was a junior in high school, and had to be careful with it. Despite this, she was very active...her boyfriend was a big jock, and frequently had us all out playing tennis or baseball. She always sat out when her knee acted up, but often did more than she should anyway.
"Have you had it looked at?"
"I'm going to."
"Well, let me know what happens."

As it drew closer to 6 PM, which was the end of Saturday for outbounders, the anxiety level grew. I had the next three days off and couldn't wait to see Tanya, and everyone else had plans for Sunday that they couldn't wait to get to. We chatted the last hour away and finally got to clock out. I grabbed my crutches and left, flanked by Lana and Dane. In the parking lot, we said our goodbyes to Dane.
"Don't forget you said I could drive your new car!" were Dane's last words before he pulled away.
"I never said that!" I yelled back, but he didn't hear me. He was already driving away, blasting some random song I'd never heard before.

I laughed and climbed into Lana's car, and we headed home.

--------------------------------------------------

Sunday dragged by, as days usually did when you were really excited for something. It seemed like every minute was an eternity. Ron and Melanie invited us to a last-minute barbecue that night, and that was a nice distraction. The laughter and loud discussion was enough to exhaust me, and I passed out pretty quickly that night.

Monday morning finally arrived, and the first thing I made Brandon do was call his mom.
"Hi, Mom." He paused. "We were just wondering where you are." Another pause. "Ok, what time do you think you'll be here?" Pause. "Cool, we'll see you then!" He hung up and looked at me. "She said she'll be here about 5 PM." I clapped excitedly.
"I can't wait!" We'd looked up pictures of the 2005 Sentras, and they were beautiful cars. It was also much newer than the other cars we had owned. All of a sudden, I thought of something. "Babe, how much did your mom pay for this car?"
"She paid Carol $9,500."
"OH MY GOD!"
"Yeah...I told her we'd pay her back."
"We don't have $9,500!"
"I know...she said we could pay her $200 a month until it's paid off." I pulled out my cell phone and crunched the numbers. We'd have it paid off in 4 years.
"Ok...we can manage that."
"I thought so."

We went downstairs, where we helped my mom clean up the house. The sockets were my teeth had been were more painful than ever and I was concerned.
"Mom, these things are killing me."
"Have you been brushing and keeping the teeth around them clean?" I winced with the memory.
"Yes, I have." The doctor had instructed me to keep my teeth as clean as possible to prevent infection, and it was an exquisitely painful experience.
"I don't know, then. Ask him about it at your followup appointment." She started dusting the TV stand. "Maybe it's because you didn't finish the steroids."
"Maybe." I picked up that day's newspaper and put it in the bin for use in the bird cages.
Two hours later, the house was as clean as could be expected. It was a huge farmhouse, and with 6 people and lots of dogs and birds, it got pretty messy. Now that we had it in reasonable shape, it was time to play the waiting game. I hated the waiting game.

At 4:30, I was pacing the living room, crutches and all. Brandon and Mom were watching me.
"J, do you always do this when you're anxious?"
"Yes."
"Stop it."
"No." Despite my refusal, my arms and leg got tired after a few more circuits and I sat down. Mom turned on an episode of the Simpsons, and I tried to enjoy it and ignore time passing. Halfway through the episode, Brandon's cell went off.
"It's Mom." He picked up. "Hi, Mom." Long pause. "What happened?" Another pause. "Ok, where are you?" Brandon walked away as he listened and made his way onto the front porch. I turned to my mom.
"What do you think that was about?"
"I don't know."

A few minutes later, Brandon walked back in.
"She got lost."
"Really?" We lived in the middle of nowhere, but the roads weren't that confusing.
"Yeah, her Mapquest directions told her to turn left on some road...well, left was into a house, so she kept going."
"Oh no!"
"Yeah, I figured out where she was and gave her directions to the house. She should be here in a few minutes."
"Yay!" I grabbed my crutches and hobbled out onto the porch, followed by my mom. The sun was setting, and the early May evening was chilly. However, I didn't really care about the chill...my attention was focused on the top of the street as we waited for Tanya to arrive.

After about 10 minutes, a gorgeous silver sedan rolled into view.
"That's Mom!" Brandon flew down the stairs and out to the edge of the sidewalk. Tanya pulled up in front of the house and got out. He gave her a huge hug. "Hi!"
"Hi, how are you guys?" She looked at me and laughed a bit. With my swollen cheeks and crutches, I must've looked ridiculous. "Now I regret asking." I laughed too.
"It's been a rough week."
"I can tell."
"I fell down the stairs and then had to have my wisdom teeth out."
"Oh."
"Yeah...it's bad." My mom helped me down the stairs and we went to see our new car. It was a sparkly silver Sentra with a sunroof and spoiler on the trunk. The interior was impeccable, done in black and gray.
"Look, babe!" Brandon was sitting in the driver's seat, pointing to the front console.
"What?" I leaned over as best I could. "Oh, that's cool." It had a six CD changer.
"Yeah, it is!" He was opening the glove box, the center console, and the cubbyhole in the middle of the dashboard, peering into everything like a kid on Christmas morning. I laughed at his excitement.

Brandon got out and hugged his mom again.
"Thank you so much, Mom. This is amazing." She smiled.
"You're welcome...have you guys eaten?"
"Not yet." It was my little sister's turn to make dinner, and she was still on her way back from classes.
"Do you want to go out?"
"Sure." Brandon climbed in the driver's seat, and I let Tanya have the passenger seat. The back had more room for my crutches anyway.

As we drove away, Brandon commented on every feature in the car. I just sat quietly in the back, listening to he and his mom talk about it. Apparently, Caroline sprung for the special edition package.
"There aren't any cigarette lighters."
"Caroline and her husband don't smoke, so she didn't get them."
"Cool." They went back to talking and I relaxed in the back. I didn't know where we were going, and I didn't care. I was happy.

We finally had a used car that wouldn't fall apart or die on us. All of our others had died within a few months and had needed to be junked. We'd have to pay for this one for four years, but then it would be all ours!

There were no words to describe how nice it was to have that security.

J's Surgery

2010-04-19T21:00:00.001-04:00

The morning of May 2nd came far too early. I wasn't built for getting up at 7 AM, and I had a habit of hitting the snooze button. That morning was no exception. I had an awful one sided headache and didn't want to face the bright spring day. I hit snooze and laid there, focused on the throbbing pain in my skull. When the alarm went off again nine minutes later, I shut it off and dragged myself out of bed. I dressed with minimal movement, careful not to jostle my legs or my head. This headache was unlike any other I'd ever had. I didn't think it was related to my fall...so what kind of headache was this?

I figured out the answer when I went to brush my teeth. The toothbrush scraped along my top molars and a sharp pain shot from the crown of my skull to the base of my neck. I dropped the brush into the sink and spat, alarmed to see a little blood coming out with the toothpaste. I tried to see what was going on in the mirror, but stretching my mouth caused my face to hurt even more. I gave up and instead ran my tongue gingerly along my top molars. When I reached the back, I realized what had happened.

I was one of the lucky ones, having made it to adulthood without much difficulty from my wisdom teeth. My dentist had told me that I had no room for them and that they'd have to be removed, but so far they'd stayed snug in my gums. However, that had changed. The top right wisdom tooth had erupted in a ridiculous fashion. The points were facing down, like normal, but they hadn't erupted. The side had. I rinsed my mouth and made my way carefully downstairs to talk to my mom.
"Mom, my wisdom teeth are coming in. Look at this one...it came in sideways." I pulled my cheek out as far as I could and showed it to her.
"Ouch." She winced. "Well, your dad's insurance still covers you until you move."
"No, I thought it went away when I was 21."
"No, if you're a dependent student, it covers you until you're 24."
"But it'll stop covering me when I move."
"Yes. Because you're not dependent anymore."
"Okay, got it." I sighed. "What is the dental insurance like?"
"Great."
"Good. I'm calling a surgeon." Mom handed me the dental packet from the drawer in her desk and I flipped through it. One of the oral surgeons, Dr. Connor, was very well-known in our area and was said to be incredibly good. I dialed his office and waited as it rang.

A few rings in, a woman picked up.
"Dr. Connor's office."
"Hi, my name is J Miller...I was just wondering how long the wait is to have wisdom teeth removed?"
"Well, you'll have to have a consultation first." I knew that could take forever, and stifled a disappointed sigh. If I lost my insurance before the procedure, I'd never be able to afford it. The receptionist's voice brought my back to the conversation. "I know it's short notice, but if you're available today at 1, we had a cancellation."
"Oh, absolutely!" I was thrilled. "Thank you so much!" We confirmed everything and I hung up. "I have an appointment for a consultation today at 1."
"Cool, that was fast."
"They had a cancellation."

Mom took me to Lana's house, and Lana took me to work. On our way there, I told her about my appointment and asked her if she'd mind taking me. She said no, and we told Jon as soon as we arrived.
"Are you going to come back after the appointment?"
"Yes." I couldn't afford more time off, after the leg fiasco.
"Ok...and what time are you leaving?"
"12:30." He wrinkled his brow and did some quick figuring.
"Ok, if you're back by 3, that'll make your entire day 5.5 hours...so that's more than half. We won't give you half a point for this."
"Oh, thanks." He nodded.
"We make exceptions for medical issues." I wanted to say "Since when?!", because we had both been given a point for the hospital visit just two days before, but I wasn't one to look a gift horse in the mouth. We went and sat down, already counting down the minutes until 12:30.

When 12:30 finally rolled around, we clocked out and let Jon know we were leaving. He gave us a small nod, and we practically fled the building (as fast I could reasonably flee on crutches). Getting out of there was the ultimate freedom...that place sucked. Lana and I got in her car and tore out of the parking lot.

Fifteen minutes later, we were pulling into the parking lot at the surgeon's office. I was nervous. I was always a huge wuss, and the idea of pain turned me into a shaky mess. I knew I was going to need surgery, and that was terrifying. I held the door open for Lana, who went and sat down while I hobbled up to the desk.
"Hi, are you J?"
"Yes, I am."
"Here's your paperwork. I'll need you to fill out the top two sheets." She handed me a pen, and I sat next to Lana. She glanced up from the People magazine she was holding.
"That looks fun."
"Oh yeah, loads." We laughed and I started writing. A few minutes later, I went back up with the paperwork and my insurance card, and the woman waved me around through a door.
"Okay, we'll need you to come back for x-rays."
"Okay." I hated dental x-rays. The thing they had you put between your teeth was very uncomfortable and always made my gums sore.

The hygenist led me to a huge machine and pointed to a taped X on the floor.
"Please stand right there." I complied, and she lifted a heavy lead apron and secured it around me. Then came the dreaded apparatus, which was even more difficult to bite down on that day. My cheek was swollen from the eruption, and it felt like I was chewing on my cheek every time I moved my teeth. However, the x-rays were mercifully short and I was soon led into an exam room. I settled myself in one of those dentist's chairs. "Okay, we're going to analyze the x-rays and Dr. Connor will be in soon." I nodded and made myself comfortable.

A little bit later (I lost track of time), a tall man entered the room.
"Hi, J. I'm Dr. Connor."
"Hi." He asked about my crutches, and I explained my fall. He laughed when I laughed, and then got to the point.
"Your wisdom teeth are definitely coming in, but they're all impacted." He popped the x-rays onto the light boxes and pointed to the wisdom teeth. "You're going to need surgery." He started to talk about how the surgery would be performed and how long it'd take.
"Am I going to be under anesthesia?" I knew that most of my friends had only had local anesthesia and I was a little afraid of that.
"Yes. We'll use an IV." I shuddered.
"An IV?"
"Yes." He nodded and pulled a small aerosol bottle out of a drawer. Walking back, he took my hand and sprayed the back of it. Suddenly, my hand was freezing. "We'll use this to numb your hand. You won't feel the IV at all." I nodded.
"Okay."
"Well, if you'd like to go back out to the desk, they'll get you set up with an appointment for surgery." I walked out and told the woman, who promptly opened her appointment book.
"Our next open appointment is for Wednesday at noon." I thought I'd misheard her.
"Wednesday?"
"Yes, is that okay?"
"Yeah, that's fine." I smiled. "Is there any chance you could write me a note for work? I'm not sure how they'll feel about this being such short notice."
"Sure!" She quickly scribbled out a note and handed it to me with the steroids I needed to start and my appointment card. I thanked her and went back out into the waiting room. Lana looked up.
"Ready to go?"
"Yup." We headed back to work. When we arrived, I gave Jon the notice. He was less than happy that I was going to have to take Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday off, but told me it wouldn't be a problem.

With that, it was settled. I'd have the surgery on the 7th.

--------------------------------------------------

The morning of the 7th rolled around and I woke up with a ridiculous amount of butterflies in my stomach. I dressed and paced around the living room on my crutches, unable to sit still. My mom was watching me.
"J, stop that. You're making me dizzy."
"Sorry." I got on the computer to pass the time.

Brandon woke up at 11 AM and helped me out to the car. I climbed in and tried to calm myself. It wasn't very successful. While we were driving to the surgeon, Brandon smiled.
"I have good news for you."
"Oh really?"
"It's about a car."
"Did we get the loan?!" Brandon and I had applied for a car loan a few days before my accident, trying to get a little convertible we'd loved.
"No, they called me yesterday and said we didn't get it. I was waiting to surprise you with this next part, but I guess I'll tell you to take your mind off things."
"What is it?"
"Mom is coming up on Monday with a car for us."
"WHAT?!"
"Yeah, I called her yesterday after I talked to the loan people. I asked if she'd be able to help us buy a car." His mom was well-off and usually had no problem helping us. "Her friend Caroline was selling her Nissan, so Mom bought it for us." He rested his hand on my thigh and squeezed, a reassuring move he always did when we were in the car. "She'll be here Monday night and is going home Wednesday." I realized what he'd meant by a surprise.
"You weren't going to tell me at all, were you?" I laughed. "You were going to wait until she got here!"
"Yeah, I was...but I figured you needed this." I laughed again.
"That's so awesome, babe!" I was on cloud 9. "What kind of Nissan?"
"It's a 2005 Nissan Sentra."
"Oh my god! What color?"
"Silver."
"Yay!" I clapped. "That's so awesome of your mom!" I grabbed his hand. He had effectively taken my mind off the upcoming surgery, and we chatted about the car until we were at Dr. Connor's office.

When we arrived, I left my crutches in the car and hobbled into the office with help from Brandon. My legs were beginning to heal and I had already taken the ibuprofen, so it wasn't too painful. I limped up to the counter and told them my name.
"Oh yes, the room is ready for you. Please go on back."
"Can my fiance help me?"
"Absolutely." Brandon put his arm around my waist as I gingerly walked into the room she had indicated. I got settled on the chair, gave him a kiss, and watched as he walked away. The excitement about the car had been replaced by serious nerves.

After a few minutes, Dr. Connor came in with two assistants.
"Good afternoon, J."
"Hi, Doctor."
"How are you today?"
"I've been better."
"Aw, you'll be fine. Ready?"
"Ready as I'll ever be."
"That's good enough!" He smiled as one of the assistants sprayed my hand and got the IV set up. Despite the numbing agent, I could still feel it and I was terrified. I closed my eyes.
"I'll take your glasses." The woman slid them off my face and Dr. Connor spoke up.
"You won't remember me saying this, but the worst is already over." That was the last thing I remembered.

An hour later, I opened my eyes and looked around. I was in a small room, laying on a bed.
"Where am I?" is what I meant to say. It came out "WhuaI?"
"What?" Brandon's face moved into my view, as did one of the hygenists.
"Welcome back, J. How do you feel?"
"Guh."
"That's good. You probably won't feel anything for a little while."
"Uhhuh." Something came to mind, and I tried to ask. All that came out was incoherent mumbling.
"What was that, J?" The hygenist looked confused. I made motions like I was writing, and she brought me a pen and paper. I wrote down my message. It was supposed to say "Where are my teeth?" Instead, it said "Where teef?" (I had actually written teef.)
"Oh, we have to get rid of them. They are considered biohazardous." I was disappointed. I had wanted one of them. "Ok, you sit here for a little bit more. I'm going to go get your prescription."

She returned 15 minutes later with a prescription for Tylenol with codeine. Brandon took it, as I was still completely out of it, and he helped me up. The plus side of the anesthesia was that I couldn't feel my legs anymore. The down side was that I couldn't feel anything at all. I wandered aimlessly out to the car and climbed into the passenger seat. A quick stop at Rite Aid, and we headed home. When we got home, I laid down on the couch with ice packs on my face. I felt like an idiot, but at least my wisdom teeth were gone and wouldn't cause me any more pain.

Weirdly, having them gone made me feel more like an adult...but that was probably the anesthesia talking.