I feel really shitty and depressed right now, and I'm not sure if it's normal or not.
After my post about how it had been three months and I was really tired of this entire mess, I started to pull away from Kyle. We still talked, but it had none of the warmth that had characterized our friendship up to this point. Our light-hearted bantering was all but done, and the conversations were just about how miserable our lives had become. Talking is supposed to help, but it really wasn't.
As time went on, I found myself confiding in him less and less. The conversations became more shallow, about silly surface things...we were no longer the same people who became friends a year and half ago, and I was finding it harder and harder to find glimpses of my friend inside the stranger who was claiming his identity.
Last night made it so much worse, though. We got into it a bit about something, which has happened at least once every couple weeks since this began. Just the mention of her is enough to start a fight between the two of us. Only this time, I was just sad. There was no anger, no passion...just a deep sadness over the fact that a man I had once respected and counted as a best friend was allowing his personality to be completely erased by a woman he doesn't even truly love. I told him this, we went back and forth over it for a while, got distracted briefly by the announcement of the special edition Zelda Wii U (at heart, all we've ever been is 20-something nerds), and then went back to going back and forth. It wasn't an argument, though I got rather sarcastic and snappy at times. I was just so sick of hearing "We'll see what happens". If I never hear or see that phrase again, I will die a happy woman.
Anyway, he went to bed a bit early because he was heading back to the area today for a trip with his family. Not long after he went to bed, Bryan got home from the double he pulled yesterday. He was tired, so we chatted for a bit and then went to sleep ourselves. But I couldn't sleep, so I kept my phone on me and read on my Kindle app. I don't know why I chose a lighthearted romance novel, but I did...and it was the worst idea.
By midnight, I was done with my book, but I couldn't stop crying. Everything that has happened and all the doubt I'm experiencing just wouldn't stop assaulting my brain, and I was exhausted with the effort of pretending I'm not a wreck all the time. I sent a message to Trisha, praying she'd be awake and able to help me so I didn't have to resort to my absolute last-ditch plan: calling Kyle. Unfortunately, though I waited until 12:30, no answer came.
At this point, I'd left our bedroom and I was sitting in a pile of blankets in a laundry basket in our upstairs laundry room. Everyone in the house was fast asleep, even the pets, and the only sound was the sound of my crying as I tapped the call button on Kyle's contact card in my phone.
It rang once, and I stifled a sob. I had no idea why I was doing this...we hadn't spoken on the phone in well over a month.
Another ring, and the nerves started up. I don't know why I was nervous. Probably because the man on the other end was basically a stranger to me by this point.
A third ring followed...then a fourth...then a fifth.
When his voicemail picked up, I knew what I realized I had suspected all along: Kyle's phone would no longer ring after 11 PM when I called.
After the last time, he'd taken me off that special list to make Lora happy.
I was completely alone.
A few more minutes of crying later, and I decided I would just go in and cry myself to sleep. I snuggled in next to my dogs and Bryan and fell asleep.
So far this morning, I haven't heard a peep from Kyle. Not a "good morning", and definitely not the message I would've expected to get (which I know because of past actions), which would've been along the lines of "Why did you call me last night? Are you okay?" There has been nothing but silence from my phone all morning.
On my end, I'm just hurt that he would go so far as to remove me from that list. I was the only person on it outside of Kyle's family starting from the day he got his phone, and I never abused the privilege. He talked me through a few difficult nights this last year, when Bryan left repeatedly instead of staying to face the issues we were dealing with, but I left him alone after he went to bed for the most part.
Last night was no different from any of those other nights he'd helped me face, except the fact that I was left alone, with no one at all to talk to about the issues I don't seem equipped to handle.
I haven't said a word to him yet this morning either...and I don't think I'm going to, even if I do hear from him. Hearing his voicemail last night solidified my belief that our friendship is over, and I don't think further discussion on either side is going to be able to do anything to save it or make the end any more final.
I am so done with trying to be there for someone who won't grant me the same courtesy.
I just wish it didn't hurt so damn much.
J
Saturday, August 24, 2013
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Deep Thoughts
I recently came across a comment section on an article where the commentors were discussing how they would want to be remembered if they died that day. It was actually a really interesting conversation, and led to more than a few of them writing the kind of obituary they would want to have written about themselves.
It got me thinking: how would I be remembered if I died today? Not just by my family, but by everyone who has ever known me?
I like to think it would be favorable. I'm not perfect, but I'm the kind of person who will bend over backwards to help the people I love before I do a single thing for myself. I know there would be a few negative people who would say bad things about me just because they felt like it (like the people I went to high school with), but I try my hardest to have positive interactions with most people.
Anyway, it ended up making me think about how I'd like my obituary to look if my life ended today. So, without further ado, this is how I would like to be remembered.
J [full name removed], 24, of [town], Pennsylvania, died in her home on August 18th, 2013.
She was born in Long Branch, New Jersey on November 4th, 1988, daughter of Robert [last name] and Lynda [last name].
She was a 2006 graduate of [town] Area High School, and was enrolled at King's College in Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania. She intended to major in biology, with minors in chemistry and molecular biology.
She will be remembered by those closest to her as a caring individual who loved her family, her friends, and her pets. She was an avid animal rescuer who fostered for a local pit bull rescue and shared her home with two rescued dogs, a corn snake, and a parakeet. Her passion was science, but she also loved to read, to sing, and to bake. She was a member of the King's College choir, the Cantores Christi Regis.
She is survived by her husband of five years, Bryan, of [town], Pennsylvania; her parents, Robert and Lynda, of [town], Pennsylvania; her older sister Angelica [last name] and her husband Tim, of [town], Pennsylvania; her younger sister Elizabeth [last name] and her husband John, of [town], Pennsylvania; her younger brother Jonah [last name], of [town], Pennsylvania; her nephew, Brydon [last name]; and her beloved pets.
As morbid as this might seem, it does serve a purpose for me...it reminds me that life is fleeting and that every day I spend on this planet could be my last. Why be negative or treat anyone badly? That's not the kind of legacy I want to leave. I want people to remember me as a nice person.
How do you want people to remember you?
J
It got me thinking: how would I be remembered if I died today? Not just by my family, but by everyone who has ever known me?
I like to think it would be favorable. I'm not perfect, but I'm the kind of person who will bend over backwards to help the people I love before I do a single thing for myself. I know there would be a few negative people who would say bad things about me just because they felt like it (like the people I went to high school with), but I try my hardest to have positive interactions with most people.
Anyway, it ended up making me think about how I'd like my obituary to look if my life ended today. So, without further ado, this is how I would like to be remembered.
J [full name removed], 24, of [town], Pennsylvania, died in her home on August 18th, 2013.
She was born in Long Branch, New Jersey on November 4th, 1988, daughter of Robert [last name] and Lynda [last name].
She was a 2006 graduate of [town] Area High School, and was enrolled at King's College in Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania. She intended to major in biology, with minors in chemistry and molecular biology.
She will be remembered by those closest to her as a caring individual who loved her family, her friends, and her pets. She was an avid animal rescuer who fostered for a local pit bull rescue and shared her home with two rescued dogs, a corn snake, and a parakeet. Her passion was science, but she also loved to read, to sing, and to bake. She was a member of the King's College choir, the Cantores Christi Regis.
She is survived by her husband of five years, Bryan, of [town], Pennsylvania; her parents, Robert and Lynda, of [town], Pennsylvania; her older sister Angelica [last name] and her husband Tim, of [town], Pennsylvania; her younger sister Elizabeth [last name] and her husband John, of [town], Pennsylvania; her younger brother Jonah [last name], of [town], Pennsylvania; her nephew, Brydon [last name]; and her beloved pets.
As morbid as this might seem, it does serve a purpose for me...it reminds me that life is fleeting and that every day I spend on this planet could be my last. Why be negative or treat anyone badly? That's not the kind of legacy I want to leave. I want people to remember me as a nice person.
How do you want people to remember you?
J
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Three Months
Today is three months to the day since Lora's incredibly selfish actions tore huge holes in the fabric of my life. It's also the day that I've realized I'm totally fed up with the status quo.
A warning before I go on: there are a few things that I'm going to mention that will not be elaborated on in this writing. I promise I will write about them in the future, but they are not for this piece. This piece is to relieve the ridiculous pressure in my mind that, so far, has only manifested itself as a flood of tears and heartache. That being said, I'll go on.
Bryan and I healing from what happened, but it's a long and arduous road. Things have happened on both sides that neither of us are proud of, and there's a good chance it could end up tearing our marriage apart. How we can even hope to recover after all that has happened is the biggest question on my mind. Just sustaining the shattered pieces we managed to pick up has drained me of all my energy. I honestly don't know that I can continue to hold my marriage together, no matter how much I love my husband.
There was an incident about two weeks ago. Some serious medical issues, a lot of stress, and a little bit of alcohol came together and caused Bryan to have a violent personality change. By violent, I mean physically. He attacked me with a strength and ferocity I didn't know he was capable of...I truly believed he might kill me. He ended up hospitalized, where they discovered his disorder...but I was the one with the bruises, the split lip, and the abject fear. About a week after that, as we were trying to recover from that incident (again, topic for another post), our landlady had a psychotic break and we had to flee our apartment. Luckily, we had no lease, so leaving was easy. However, she's taken to harassing the people around us. I had to leave my job because it was too close to her home and I knew she would come looking for me there. All in all, it's been a very rough two weeks.
There is only one friend in my life who knows the absolute truth about those two situations...Kyle. He's the only friend I know I can share 100% of my thoughts and feelings with and not be shunned, no matter how dark or depressed or angry I get. Unfortunately, in the midst of all of the bigger issues, I'm struggling with him too.
It's now been exactly three months since Lora told him to stop talking to me. With the exception of her visits to NY, he and I still talk every day. There is friction, though, and I believe it's finally worn me away to nothing. I know he's doing everything he can to prevent anyone from getting hurt, but it's no longer working. At this point, I believe nothing binds us save our memories of a friendship that was once wonderful. Because of that, I can't seem to step back and say "I'm sorry, but I need you out of my life." I want to, but I don't want to. I cling to the memory of the man who was once one of the most amazing men of my acquaintance. He's gone now, though, and I can't find him.
When I tell him this (and I have, several times), he just apologizes. I know he is aware of the change in his own self. He says he feels nothing but tired, and claims that after everything he's been through, he's entitled to feel drained. I know I've put him through hell myself, and I have not been able to apologize enough for this, but I still have to sit here and watch as she toys with him.
The night Bryan attacked me was the last night of her last visit to NY. Blinded by fear, physical and emotional pain, and heartbreak, I called the only person who I knew was capable of talking me down from the heightened "fight" response my body had initiated...Kyle. His brain and my brain are functionally identical. However, mine didn't make the connection that she was still there...it was merely seeking comfort. I laid on my bed, the phone laying next to me but not to my ear, listening to the ringing...when his voicemail picked up, I was wracked with terrible sobs. I'd never experienced anything like them in my entire life...my entire bed shook with the movements of my body as I wailed. I was alone.
The next day, I learned that my call had caused a lot of problems between the two of them, and Kyle was afraid they were over. I felt nothing, of course. I was still reeling from the previous night, physical pain that screamed with every movement of my body, and a serious lack of sleep. It didn't take me long to see that Kyle was more concerned that Lora may have dumped him than with showing even the slightest bit of concern with what I'd gone through. (They didn't end up breaking up.)
I think that was the day I started to detach.
After our hurried move, I realized how badly I needed a friend. My three best friends all live long distances from me. Andy and his wife reside in southern PA, about two and a half hours away. Trisha lives in AZ, separated from me by the majority of the country. (This is a fact that I frequently lament.) Kyle lives in NY, roughly three hours from here. Close by, the only one I really had was Lora, and she didn't just burn that bridge...she blew it up. There is no returning to what we had, even if I wanted to.
I'd known that Kyle was planning a visit back to the area this weekend, so I decided to see if he'd be interested in hanging out for a little bit. He turned me down, saying he didn't have enough time, but I know him better than I know myself and I knew the real reason...he didn't want to see me anymore. I confronted him, and he didn't bother lying. He apologized and said that it was too hard, admitting his fears of being seen and word getting back to Lora. My detachment, which was slowly progressing at that point, kicked into high gear. I've never bothered making time for people who wouldn't make time for me.
Anyway, that was a lot of backstory to get to the point. Sorry about that.
Right now, I'm sitting alone. I'm so depressed that I can't seem to muster up the urge to go anywhere or do anything. I haven't cashed my final paycheck, my sewing projects are abandoned, and I struggled to finish a book I recently started and was devouring.
I will admit that I promised to hide in the shadows so Kyle wouldn't have to feel guilty about abandoning me, but three months is a very long time to hide with no hope for the future. I only agreed to be his dirty little secret because I honestly thought the two of them would be done by now. Multiple times, she's learned of his lying to her (to protect me), and multiple times, she's spent days putting him through hell to punish him and then deciding she doesn't want to leave. He tolerates it because he's afraid of being alone, and I tolerate it because I know if I leave, he actually will be alone the day she does leave. They can't possibly last forever, a fact I think Kyle is aware of, but neither can I.
I've been ground into nothingness by the events of the last few weeks. I'm tired, angry, depressed, and heartbroken. My marriage is probably going to fall apart and my closest friend, the strongest pillar in my support system (until recently), won't even be there to help cushion the fall.
There's a part of me that is still holding onto the past, desperate to save the friendship Kyle and I once had. That part of me doesn't want to lose him. But there's a growing part of me that just doesn't care anymore. The longer this drags on, the closer we get to grinding away the part that still cares.
I've never felt this lost in my entire life.
A warning before I go on: there are a few things that I'm going to mention that will not be elaborated on in this writing. I promise I will write about them in the future, but they are not for this piece. This piece is to relieve the ridiculous pressure in my mind that, so far, has only manifested itself as a flood of tears and heartache. That being said, I'll go on.
Bryan and I healing from what happened, but it's a long and arduous road. Things have happened on both sides that neither of us are proud of, and there's a good chance it could end up tearing our marriage apart. How we can even hope to recover after all that has happened is the biggest question on my mind. Just sustaining the shattered pieces we managed to pick up has drained me of all my energy. I honestly don't know that I can continue to hold my marriage together, no matter how much I love my husband.
There was an incident about two weeks ago. Some serious medical issues, a lot of stress, and a little bit of alcohol came together and caused Bryan to have a violent personality change. By violent, I mean physically. He attacked me with a strength and ferocity I didn't know he was capable of...I truly believed he might kill me. He ended up hospitalized, where they discovered his disorder...but I was the one with the bruises, the split lip, and the abject fear. About a week after that, as we were trying to recover from that incident (again, topic for another post), our landlady had a psychotic break and we had to flee our apartment. Luckily, we had no lease, so leaving was easy. However, she's taken to harassing the people around us. I had to leave my job because it was too close to her home and I knew she would come looking for me there. All in all, it's been a very rough two weeks.
There is only one friend in my life who knows the absolute truth about those two situations...Kyle. He's the only friend I know I can share 100% of my thoughts and feelings with and not be shunned, no matter how dark or depressed or angry I get. Unfortunately, in the midst of all of the bigger issues, I'm struggling with him too.
It's now been exactly three months since Lora told him to stop talking to me. With the exception of her visits to NY, he and I still talk every day. There is friction, though, and I believe it's finally worn me away to nothing. I know he's doing everything he can to prevent anyone from getting hurt, but it's no longer working. At this point, I believe nothing binds us save our memories of a friendship that was once wonderful. Because of that, I can't seem to step back and say "I'm sorry, but I need you out of my life." I want to, but I don't want to. I cling to the memory of the man who was once one of the most amazing men of my acquaintance. He's gone now, though, and I can't find him.
When I tell him this (and I have, several times), he just apologizes. I know he is aware of the change in his own self. He says he feels nothing but tired, and claims that after everything he's been through, he's entitled to feel drained. I know I've put him through hell myself, and I have not been able to apologize enough for this, but I still have to sit here and watch as she toys with him.
The night Bryan attacked me was the last night of her last visit to NY. Blinded by fear, physical and emotional pain, and heartbreak, I called the only person who I knew was capable of talking me down from the heightened "fight" response my body had initiated...Kyle. His brain and my brain are functionally identical. However, mine didn't make the connection that she was still there...it was merely seeking comfort. I laid on my bed, the phone laying next to me but not to my ear, listening to the ringing...when his voicemail picked up, I was wracked with terrible sobs. I'd never experienced anything like them in my entire life...my entire bed shook with the movements of my body as I wailed. I was alone.
The next day, I learned that my call had caused a lot of problems between the two of them, and Kyle was afraid they were over. I felt nothing, of course. I was still reeling from the previous night, physical pain that screamed with every movement of my body, and a serious lack of sleep. It didn't take me long to see that Kyle was more concerned that Lora may have dumped him than with showing even the slightest bit of concern with what I'd gone through. (They didn't end up breaking up.)
I think that was the day I started to detach.
After our hurried move, I realized how badly I needed a friend. My three best friends all live long distances from me. Andy and his wife reside in southern PA, about two and a half hours away. Trisha lives in AZ, separated from me by the majority of the country. (This is a fact that I frequently lament.) Kyle lives in NY, roughly three hours from here. Close by, the only one I really had was Lora, and she didn't just burn that bridge...she blew it up. There is no returning to what we had, even if I wanted to.
I'd known that Kyle was planning a visit back to the area this weekend, so I decided to see if he'd be interested in hanging out for a little bit. He turned me down, saying he didn't have enough time, but I know him better than I know myself and I knew the real reason...he didn't want to see me anymore. I confronted him, and he didn't bother lying. He apologized and said that it was too hard, admitting his fears of being seen and word getting back to Lora. My detachment, which was slowly progressing at that point, kicked into high gear. I've never bothered making time for people who wouldn't make time for me.
Anyway, that was a lot of backstory to get to the point. Sorry about that.
Right now, I'm sitting alone. I'm so depressed that I can't seem to muster up the urge to go anywhere or do anything. I haven't cashed my final paycheck, my sewing projects are abandoned, and I struggled to finish a book I recently started and was devouring.
I will admit that I promised to hide in the shadows so Kyle wouldn't have to feel guilty about abandoning me, but three months is a very long time to hide with no hope for the future. I only agreed to be his dirty little secret because I honestly thought the two of them would be done by now. Multiple times, she's learned of his lying to her (to protect me), and multiple times, she's spent days putting him through hell to punish him and then deciding she doesn't want to leave. He tolerates it because he's afraid of being alone, and I tolerate it because I know if I leave, he actually will be alone the day she does leave. They can't possibly last forever, a fact I think Kyle is aware of, but neither can I.
I've been ground into nothingness by the events of the last few weeks. I'm tired, angry, depressed, and heartbroken. My marriage is probably going to fall apart and my closest friend, the strongest pillar in my support system (until recently), won't even be there to help cushion the fall.
There's a part of me that is still holding onto the past, desperate to save the friendship Kyle and I once had. That part of me doesn't want to lose him. But there's a growing part of me that just doesn't care anymore. The longer this drags on, the closer we get to grinding away the part that still cares.
I've never felt this lost in my entire life.
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Secrets
“…as soon as you have a secret, something about you that you are ashamed to have others find out, you have given other people the power to hurt you by exposing you.”
– Ayelet Waldman
I absolutely love that quote. I really, really do. Unfortunately, I love it because of how apt it is, which is not a good thing.
The friendship between Kyle and I has to be kept secret on his part. If Lora finds out, she'll leave him. I don't think this is a bad thing, because any relationship that dysfunctional shouldn't continue, but he does. So I ignore it, bite my tongue, and don't speak to him while she's there at all. I don't approve of the relationship because of her controlling, vindictive nature, but he loves her and I care enough about him to want his happiness...no matter what that means.
However, what happens to him if one of the people who does know (Bryan, my mom, our landlady) spills the secret? I don't see Bryan or my mom being that vindictive, though they are VERY angry at her...they'd never do anything to hurt me, and hurting my best friend hurts me. However, our landlady is older and quite forgetful. She knows I'm talking to Kyle because she saw a text he'd sent me when the screen on my phone lit up in front of her, but she doesn't know we're not supposed to be talking. I figured it would be better to spare her the ugly details.
She has been having problems getting some money out of Lora that she was owed when Lora left. Lora has $600 left to pay, it was supposed to be paid by August 1st, and Lora hasn't contacted our landlady at all. She is beginning to get very upset, and I don't blame her. She plans to call her this weekend, when Lora happens to be in NY with Kyle, and I know it's going to go very badly.
I can't explain to Charmaine that she can't mention me and Kyle, and I'm afraid something will slip that will expose the entire thing.
It's getting to the point where, as much as I love and appreciate Kyle for his friendship, I don't think I can keep doing this much longer. Crossing my fingers every time Charmaine has to call Lora is just not a situation I should have to be living in.
I shouldn't have to be a secret.
Kyle shouldn't have to be ashamed of staying my friend.
This entire thing is so depressing that I just want to wash my hands off all of it.
I've always believed that friendship was the most important thing ever...that if you found someone you had this much of a connection with (like Andy and I), you should do whatever you can to preserve that connection.
Now there is an internal struggle between my loyal nature and my instinct for self-preservation. Do I stick it out despite the pain so I can be here for him when they fall apart (because I know they will, I've known Lora for five years), or do I run to protect myself, despite knowing he'll be left utterly alone when she leaves?
Both options suck.
I'm damned if I do, and I'm damned if I don't.
– Ayelet Waldman
I absolutely love that quote. I really, really do. Unfortunately, I love it because of how apt it is, which is not a good thing.
The friendship between Kyle and I has to be kept secret on his part. If Lora finds out, she'll leave him. I don't think this is a bad thing, because any relationship that dysfunctional shouldn't continue, but he does. So I ignore it, bite my tongue, and don't speak to him while she's there at all. I don't approve of the relationship because of her controlling, vindictive nature, but he loves her and I care enough about him to want his happiness...no matter what that means.
However, what happens to him if one of the people who does know (Bryan, my mom, our landlady) spills the secret? I don't see Bryan or my mom being that vindictive, though they are VERY angry at her...they'd never do anything to hurt me, and hurting my best friend hurts me. However, our landlady is older and quite forgetful. She knows I'm talking to Kyle because she saw a text he'd sent me when the screen on my phone lit up in front of her, but she doesn't know we're not supposed to be talking. I figured it would be better to spare her the ugly details.
She has been having problems getting some money out of Lora that she was owed when Lora left. Lora has $600 left to pay, it was supposed to be paid by August 1st, and Lora hasn't contacted our landlady at all. She is beginning to get very upset, and I don't blame her. She plans to call her this weekend, when Lora happens to be in NY with Kyle, and I know it's going to go very badly.
I can't explain to Charmaine that she can't mention me and Kyle, and I'm afraid something will slip that will expose the entire thing.
It's getting to the point where, as much as I love and appreciate Kyle for his friendship, I don't think I can keep doing this much longer. Crossing my fingers every time Charmaine has to call Lora is just not a situation I should have to be living in.
I shouldn't have to be a secret.
Kyle shouldn't have to be ashamed of staying my friend.
This entire thing is so depressing that I just want to wash my hands off all of it.
I've always believed that friendship was the most important thing ever...that if you found someone you had this much of a connection with (like Andy and I), you should do whatever you can to preserve that connection.
Now there is an internal struggle between my loyal nature and my instinct for self-preservation. Do I stick it out despite the pain so I can be here for him when they fall apart (because I know they will, I've known Lora for five years), or do I run to protect myself, despite knowing he'll be left utterly alone when she leaves?
Both options suck.
I'm damned if I do, and I'm damned if I don't.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
EVELYN IS COMING!
3:25 PM ET: They moved the surgery up a week, so instead of being born the 1st, Evelyn is coming today. They just took Trisha back for the surgery a few minutes ago, so now I'm just waiting for updates! I'll edit this post as I get information!
Evelyn Alexis, born at 3:32 PM ET, weighing 6 lbs 4 ozs. I am the happiest psuedo-aunt ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Evelyn Alexis, born at 3:32 PM ET, weighing 6 lbs 4 ozs. I am the happiest psuedo-aunt ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Monday, July 22, 2013
Baby Talk
I must admit that I felt a huge sense of disappointment when I got a text from Bryan about fifteen minutes ago. All it said was "It's a boy", but I knew what he meant. HRH Prince of Cambridge had made his entry into the world. I was fervently hoping for a little princess, but I'm happy for Kate and William anyway.
Of course, this got me thinking about the baby soon to be entering my life...Trisha's daughter, Evelyn. I love her so much already, and Trisha refers to me as her aunt. I refer to Evelyn as "my sweet love Evelyn", which is a reference to a metal song from my favorite band. (Trisha loves that, by the way...it makes her smile every time I say it.)
Anyway, I had a very rough childhood, and suffered with a lot of self-esteem issues. I've gotten them mostly under control, though sometimes I have some really, really bad days and struggle to even look at myself in the mirror. I suffered bullying and torment just because I had the nerve to be different and I still wear those emotional scars as a badge of honor, proving my strength and resilience in the face of adversity. Of course, it doesn't hurt that most of my tormentors went on to make absolutely nothing of themselves, but I try my hardest not to take pleasure in that. I ignore their Facebook friend requests and go on with my life.
I don't want my sweet love Evelyn to suffer the way I did (and occasionally still do), so I've decided I'm going to put a book together for her to read when she gets to that rough age where the opinions of her classmates start to weigh heavily on her psyche. I sincerely hope it will help her get through her pre-teen/teenage years with fewer emotional scars than I bear. It's not logical to assume she can make it through high school unscathed...no one does. But maybe...just maybe...I can help her feel a little better about the girl looking back at her from the mirror every day.
Here's the kind of stuff I plan to put in the book...please weigh in with your opinions and any additional words of wisdom I should add. Some things may sound rather cynical, but they're lessons I learned the hard way. (Before someone points it out, I know I don't always follow my own advice...I'm doing this in the hopes that she grow up more well-adjusted than I did.)
J
~~~~~~~~ ~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To my sweet love Evelyn:
1. You're beautiful. Absolutely, positively, irrefutably stunning. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise.
2. Bullies are cowards. They do what they do out of jealousy and irrational hate. As hard as it is to turn the other cheek, please do not let their negativity stain your spirit.
3. Always try to be the bigger person, even when it's the hardest thing you've ever done.
4. Words are your biggest weapon. With them, you can do anything. Keep that in mind when you're speaking...breaking someone's heart with a misplaced word is easy to do and something you're likely to regret for the rest of your life.
5. Place your trust sparingly. There are so few who truly deserve it.
6. Respect your parents. They might not be perfect and you might not always see eye-to-eye (especially when you're a teenager), but they love you more than anything else in this world and they're doing the best they can.
7. Do not be reckless when it comes to sexual behavior. Giving your virginity away is something you can only do once, and you don't want it to be like mine. (I'll tell you that story when you're old enough to hear it, and we can laugh together.) If a boy will only like you because you are willing to sleep with him, he doesn't really like you at all.
8. Talk out your problems. Keeping them bottled up inside will never do you any good. If you don't want to talk to your mom, call me. No matter what the time, I will be available to you.
9. Focus on grades and extracurricular activities. Find out what you like to do and do it. If you're a scientist, don't try to be anything else. Same goes for an artist, or a historian, or a writer, or a mathematician. In this same vein, college is the most important thing you'll ever accomplish. Work toward that end.
10. Music can fix everything. Whether you're playing an instrument, singing, humming, or just simply listening, it is the sound of your soul. It can bring peace, no matter what you're going through.
Of course, this got me thinking about the baby soon to be entering my life...Trisha's daughter, Evelyn. I love her so much already, and Trisha refers to me as her aunt. I refer to Evelyn as "my sweet love Evelyn", which is a reference to a metal song from my favorite band. (Trisha loves that, by the way...it makes her smile every time I say it.)
Anyway, I had a very rough childhood, and suffered with a lot of self-esteem issues. I've gotten them mostly under control, though sometimes I have some really, really bad days and struggle to even look at myself in the mirror. I suffered bullying and torment just because I had the nerve to be different and I still wear those emotional scars as a badge of honor, proving my strength and resilience in the face of adversity. Of course, it doesn't hurt that most of my tormentors went on to make absolutely nothing of themselves, but I try my hardest not to take pleasure in that. I ignore their Facebook friend requests and go on with my life.
I don't want my sweet love Evelyn to suffer the way I did (and occasionally still do), so I've decided I'm going to put a book together for her to read when she gets to that rough age where the opinions of her classmates start to weigh heavily on her psyche. I sincerely hope it will help her get through her pre-teen/teenage years with fewer emotional scars than I bear. It's not logical to assume she can make it through high school unscathed...no one does. But maybe...just maybe...I can help her feel a little better about the girl looking back at her from the mirror every day.
Here's the kind of stuff I plan to put in the book...please weigh in with your opinions and any additional words of wisdom I should add. Some things may sound rather cynical, but they're lessons I learned the hard way. (Before someone points it out, I know I don't always follow my own advice...I'm doing this in the hopes that she grow up more well-adjusted than I did.)
J
~~~~~~~~ ~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To my sweet love Evelyn:
1. You're beautiful. Absolutely, positively, irrefutably stunning. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise.
2. Bullies are cowards. They do what they do out of jealousy and irrational hate. As hard as it is to turn the other cheek, please do not let their negativity stain your spirit.
3. Always try to be the bigger person, even when it's the hardest thing you've ever done.
4. Words are your biggest weapon. With them, you can do anything. Keep that in mind when you're speaking...breaking someone's heart with a misplaced word is easy to do and something you're likely to regret for the rest of your life.
5. Place your trust sparingly. There are so few who truly deserve it.
6. Respect your parents. They might not be perfect and you might not always see eye-to-eye (especially when you're a teenager), but they love you more than anything else in this world and they're doing the best they can.
7. Do not be reckless when it comes to sexual behavior. Giving your virginity away is something you can only do once, and you don't want it to be like mine. (I'll tell you that story when you're old enough to hear it, and we can laugh together.) If a boy will only like you because you are willing to sleep with him, he doesn't really like you at all.
8. Talk out your problems. Keeping them bottled up inside will never do you any good. If you don't want to talk to your mom, call me. No matter what the time, I will be available to you.
9. Focus on grades and extracurricular activities. Find out what you like to do and do it. If you're a scientist, don't try to be anything else. Same goes for an artist, or a historian, or a writer, or a mathematician. In this same vein, college is the most important thing you'll ever accomplish. Work toward that end.
10. Music can fix everything. Whether you're playing an instrument, singing, humming, or just simply listening, it is the sound of your soul. It can bring peace, no matter what you're going through.
Sunday, July 21, 2013
A Long Weekend
Weekends aren't as exciting for me as they are for everyone else.
This is because I'm a cashier at our local Turkey Hill, and I'm basically guaranteed to work on Saturday and Sunday because of school. I don't get to do anything fun because I work from 3 PM until about 9 or 10 depending on how busy we are.
Weekends are also the time I may or may not get to talk to Kyle, depending on Lora's whims. She tends to not tell him she's visiting until the day she's heading up, which throws him into a bad mood, which leads to us fighting. He gets miserable, takes it out on me, I call him on being a jerk, and we argue about why Lora is a terrible person. Generally, he doesn't rebut my arguments because he can't. He just apologizes and eventually I burn out on talking about it and change the subject. It's not healthy and I know that, I just can't abandon him. I know they won't make it...the distance is always going to be a problem, as Lora refuses to leave PA and Kyle can't leave NY. Lora's attitude is also a big problem. She gets mad for stupid reasons, and I used to have to defuse those situations all the time. Without me to defuse them anymore, I see them piling up into a huge explosion. It's just taking a lot more time than I'd expected it to, unfortunately.
But I'm on a tangent now.
This weekend was long for so many reasons. First of all, there are issues at work. When I first started, the manager was newly separated from his wife and struggling quite a bit with it. He hit on me a lot more than I would've liked. When it got creepy (he once said he was going to tie me up and kidnap me), I stopped him by saying it was completely inappropriate, since he was my boss, and that I wasn't interested. To his credit, he stopped the behavior and we have a normal working relationship. That didn't stop our assistant manager from deciding that he was going to go after our manager's job and use me as the reason to have him fired. He is scouring the cameras for any inappropriate behavior on our manager's part and plans to forward it to our district manager. Luckily for our manager, he won't find anything. But I'm tired of being in the middle of things like this, and it makes me want to call off every single day that I work. I hate going in there, and I used to love it.
On Saturday, while I was at work, Bryan texted me with the news that his father had suffered a heart attack. Bryan isn't terribly close to his dad, but he was rather upset by this. The information was slow in coming from his family, though, because his dad is currently in prison for probation violations relating to a crystal meth possession charge. Pro tip: if you're on probation for possessing crystal meth, it's probably NOT a good idea to go obtain more crystal meth, carry it around, hang out with a crowd you were instructed to stay away from, and then draw the attention of police. It leads to you being arrested again, and this time, none of your sisters wants to bail you out...and that's exactly what happened. He was arrested, and none of Bryan's aunts or his mom would bail him out.
Now, some of you may remember an interesting fact about Bryan's family. His mom Tina is his dad's sister. (Funny story: at the time I told Kyle that, all he knew about Bryan's life before me was that he'd lived in Georgia. His response to me saying that exact thing was "When you say it like that, it sounds like he was born in Arkansas instead of Georgia." I laughed so hard I couldn't breathe, because my husband was indeed born in Jonesboro, Arkansas.) Anyway, it's not as bad as it sounds, I just like saying that for shock value. His biological mom was an alcoholic crack addict, and Tina (their aunt) adopted the boys when they were very young. We don't know where their biological mother is, and Bryan has no desire to find her. Anyway, my mother-in-law is a wonderful woman with a masters degree who works for the federal government, and my father-in-law is a convict. Tina never had bad taste in men, Reuben is just a bad egg in an otherwise wonderful family.
Anyway, back on the subject, I came home after work and comforted my husband, who had been okay until he heard a song by Volbeat (my absolute favorite band) that is about the death of the lead singer's father. He was rather shaken up, so I sat and held him and told him it would be okay. Fifteen minutes later, his aunt got back to him with information from the hospital. It was simply heatstroke, not a heart attack like they'd originally feared. I was relieved. I don't love Reuben the way I love Bryan's mom or aunts/uncles, but I do care about him for the sake of my husband. We lost Bryan's beloved grandmother last year and I don't know how much more loss he could handle right now.
When the worry and stress from that had subsided, we actually managed to have a rather pleasant weekend. I had today off, and I'm off tomorrow too. It's nice to have some time to recharge after being mentally drained by the soap opera currently playing out at my workplace. I'm so over all of that.
How are you guys all doing? Did anything interesting happen this weekend?
Kocham cie! (I love you in Polish)
J
This is because I'm a cashier at our local Turkey Hill, and I'm basically guaranteed to work on Saturday and Sunday because of school. I don't get to do anything fun because I work from 3 PM until about 9 or 10 depending on how busy we are.
Weekends are also the time I may or may not get to talk to Kyle, depending on Lora's whims. She tends to not tell him she's visiting until the day she's heading up, which throws him into a bad mood, which leads to us fighting. He gets miserable, takes it out on me, I call him on being a jerk, and we argue about why Lora is a terrible person. Generally, he doesn't rebut my arguments because he can't. He just apologizes and eventually I burn out on talking about it and change the subject. It's not healthy and I know that, I just can't abandon him. I know they won't make it...the distance is always going to be a problem, as Lora refuses to leave PA and Kyle can't leave NY. Lora's attitude is also a big problem. She gets mad for stupid reasons, and I used to have to defuse those situations all the time. Without me to defuse them anymore, I see them piling up into a huge explosion. It's just taking a lot more time than I'd expected it to, unfortunately.
But I'm on a tangent now.
This weekend was long for so many reasons. First of all, there are issues at work. When I first started, the manager was newly separated from his wife and struggling quite a bit with it. He hit on me a lot more than I would've liked. When it got creepy (he once said he was going to tie me up and kidnap me), I stopped him by saying it was completely inappropriate, since he was my boss, and that I wasn't interested. To his credit, he stopped the behavior and we have a normal working relationship. That didn't stop our assistant manager from deciding that he was going to go after our manager's job and use me as the reason to have him fired. He is scouring the cameras for any inappropriate behavior on our manager's part and plans to forward it to our district manager. Luckily for our manager, he won't find anything. But I'm tired of being in the middle of things like this, and it makes me want to call off every single day that I work. I hate going in there, and I used to love it.
On Saturday, while I was at work, Bryan texted me with the news that his father had suffered a heart attack. Bryan isn't terribly close to his dad, but he was rather upset by this. The information was slow in coming from his family, though, because his dad is currently in prison for probation violations relating to a crystal meth possession charge. Pro tip: if you're on probation for possessing crystal meth, it's probably NOT a good idea to go obtain more crystal meth, carry it around, hang out with a crowd you were instructed to stay away from, and then draw the attention of police. It leads to you being arrested again, and this time, none of your sisters wants to bail you out...and that's exactly what happened. He was arrested, and none of Bryan's aunts or his mom would bail him out.
Now, some of you may remember an interesting fact about Bryan's family. His mom Tina is his dad's sister. (Funny story: at the time I told Kyle that, all he knew about Bryan's life before me was that he'd lived in Georgia. His response to me saying that exact thing was "When you say it like that, it sounds like he was born in Arkansas instead of Georgia." I laughed so hard I couldn't breathe, because my husband was indeed born in Jonesboro, Arkansas.) Anyway, it's not as bad as it sounds, I just like saying that for shock value. His biological mom was an alcoholic crack addict, and Tina (their aunt) adopted the boys when they were very young. We don't know where their biological mother is, and Bryan has no desire to find her. Anyway, my mother-in-law is a wonderful woman with a masters degree who works for the federal government, and my father-in-law is a convict. Tina never had bad taste in men, Reuben is just a bad egg in an otherwise wonderful family.
Anyway, back on the subject, I came home after work and comforted my husband, who had been okay until he heard a song by Volbeat (my absolute favorite band) that is about the death of the lead singer's father. He was rather shaken up, so I sat and held him and told him it would be okay. Fifteen minutes later, his aunt got back to him with information from the hospital. It was simply heatstroke, not a heart attack like they'd originally feared. I was relieved. I don't love Reuben the way I love Bryan's mom or aunts/uncles, but I do care about him for the sake of my husband. We lost Bryan's beloved grandmother last year and I don't know how much more loss he could handle right now.
When the worry and stress from that had subsided, we actually managed to have a rather pleasant weekend. I had today off, and I'm off tomorrow too. It's nice to have some time to recharge after being mentally drained by the soap opera currently playing out at my workplace. I'm so over all of that.
How are you guys all doing? Did anything interesting happen this weekend?
Kocham cie! (I love you in Polish)
J
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