Saturday, July 27, 2013


“…as soon as you have a secret, something about you that you are ashamed to have others find out, you have given other people the power to hurt you by exposing you.” 
                                                                                             – Ayelet Waldman

I absolutely love that quote.  I really, really do.  Unfortunately, I love it because of how apt it is, which is not a good thing.

The friendship between Kyle and I has to be kept secret on his part.  If Lora finds out, she'll leave him.  I don't think this is a bad thing, because any relationship that dysfunctional shouldn't continue, but he does.  So I ignore it, bite my tongue, and don't speak to him while she's there at all.  I don't approve of the relationship because of her controlling, vindictive nature, but he loves her and I care enough about him to want his matter what that means.

However, what happens to him if one of the people who does know (Bryan, my mom, our landlady) spills the secret?  I don't see Bryan or my mom being that vindictive, though they are VERY angry at her...they'd never do anything to hurt me, and hurting my best friend hurts me.  However, our landlady is older and quite forgetful.  She knows I'm talking to Kyle because she saw a text he'd sent me when the screen on my phone lit up in front of her, but she doesn't know we're not supposed to be talking.  I figured it would be better to spare her the ugly details.

She has been having problems getting some money out of Lora that she was owed when Lora left.  Lora has $600 left to pay, it was supposed to be paid by August 1st, and Lora hasn't contacted our landlady at all.  She is beginning to get very upset, and I don't blame her.  She plans to call her this weekend, when Lora happens to be in NY with Kyle, and I know it's going to go very badly.

I can't explain to Charmaine that she can't mention me and Kyle, and I'm afraid something will slip that will expose the entire thing.

It's getting to the point where, as much as I love and appreciate Kyle for his friendship, I don't think I can keep doing this much longer.  Crossing my fingers every time Charmaine has to call Lora is just not a situation I should have to be living in.

I shouldn't have to be a secret.

Kyle shouldn't have to be ashamed of staying my friend.

This entire thing is so depressing that I just want to wash my hands off all of it.

I've always believed that friendship was the most important thing ever...that if you found someone you had this much of a connection with (like Andy and I), you should do whatever you can to preserve that connection.

Now there is an internal struggle between my loyal nature and my instinct for self-preservation.  Do I stick it out despite the pain so I can be here for him when they fall apart (because I know they will, I've known Lora for five years), or do I run to protect myself, despite knowing he'll be left utterly alone when she leaves?

Both options suck.

I'm damned if I do, and I'm damned if I don't.

Thursday, July 25, 2013


3:25 PM ET:  They moved the surgery up a week, so instead of being born the 1st, Evelyn is coming today.  They just took Trisha back for the surgery a few minutes ago, so now I'm just waiting for updates!  I'll edit this post as I get information!

Evelyn Alexis, born at 3:32 PM ET, weighing 6 lbs 4 ozs.  I am the happiest psuedo-aunt ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, July 22, 2013

Baby Talk

I must admit that I felt a huge sense of disappointment when I got a text from Bryan about fifteen minutes ago.  All it said was "It's a boy", but I knew what he meant.  HRH Prince of Cambridge had made his entry into the world.  I was fervently hoping for a little princess, but I'm happy for Kate and William anyway.

Of course, this got me thinking about the baby soon to be entering my life...Trisha's daughter, Evelyn.  I love her so much already, and Trisha refers to me as her aunt.  I refer to Evelyn as "my sweet love Evelyn", which is a reference to a metal song from my favorite band.  (Trisha loves that, by the makes her smile every time I say it.)

Anyway, I had a very rough childhood, and suffered with a lot of self-esteem issues.  I've gotten them mostly under control, though sometimes I have some really, really bad days and struggle to even look at myself in the mirror.  I suffered bullying and torment just because I had the nerve to be different and I still wear those emotional scars as a badge of honor, proving my strength and resilience in the face of adversity.  Of course, it doesn't hurt that most of my tormentors went on to make absolutely nothing of themselves, but I try my hardest not to take pleasure in that.  I ignore their Facebook friend requests and go on with my life.

I don't want my sweet love Evelyn to suffer the way I did (and occasionally still do), so I've decided I'm going to put a book together for her to read when she gets to that rough age where the opinions of her classmates start to weigh heavily on her psyche.  I sincerely hope it will help her get through her pre-teen/teenage years with fewer emotional scars than I bear.  It's not logical to assume she can make it through high school one does.  But maybe...just maybe...I can help her feel a little better about the girl looking back at her from the mirror every day.

Here's the kind of stuff I plan to put in the book...please weigh in with your opinions and any additional words of wisdom I should add.  Some things may sound rather cynical, but they're lessons I learned the hard way.  (Before someone points it out, I know I don't always follow my own advice...I'm doing this in the hopes that she grow up more well-adjusted than I did.)


~~~~~~~~  ~  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To my sweet love Evelyn:

1.  You're beautiful.  Absolutely, positively, irrefutably stunning.  Do not let anyone tell you otherwise.
2.  Bullies are cowards.  They do what they do out of jealousy and irrational hate.  As hard as it is to turn the other cheek, please do not let their negativity stain your spirit.
3.  Always try to be the bigger person, even when it's the hardest thing you've ever done.
4.  Words are your biggest weapon.  With them, you can do anything.  Keep that in mind when you're speaking...breaking someone's heart with a misplaced word is easy to do and something you're likely to regret for the rest of your life.
5.  Place your trust sparingly.  There are so few who truly deserve it.
6.  Respect your parents.  They might not be perfect and you might not always see eye-to-eye (especially when you're a teenager), but they love you more than anything else in this world and they're doing the best they can.
7.  Do not be reckless when it comes to sexual behavior.  Giving your virginity away is something you can only do once, and you don't want it to be like mine.  (I'll tell you that story when you're old enough to hear it, and we can laugh together.)  If a boy will only like you because you are willing to sleep with him, he doesn't really like you at all.
8.  Talk out your problems.  Keeping them bottled up inside will never do you any good.  If you don't want to talk to your mom, call me.  No matter what the time, I will be available to you.
9.  Focus on grades and extracurricular activities.  Find out what you like to do and do it.  If you're a scientist, don't try to be anything else.  Same goes for an artist, or a historian, or a writer, or a mathematician.  In this same vein, college is the most important thing you'll ever accomplish.  Work toward that end.
10.  Music can fix everything.  Whether you're playing an instrument, singing, humming, or just simply listening, it is the sound of your soul.  It can bring peace, no matter what you're going through.

Sunday, July 21, 2013

A Long Weekend

Weekends aren't as exciting for me as they are for everyone else.

This is because I'm a cashier at our local Turkey Hill, and I'm basically guaranteed to work on Saturday and Sunday because of school.  I don't get to do anything fun because I work from 3 PM until about 9 or 10 depending on how busy we are.

Weekends are also the time I may or may not get to talk to Kyle, depending on Lora's whims.  She tends to not tell him she's visiting until the day she's heading up, which throws him into a bad mood, which leads to us fighting.  He gets miserable, takes it out on me, I call him on being a jerk, and we argue about why Lora is a terrible person.  Generally, he doesn't rebut my arguments because he can't.  He just apologizes and eventually I burn out on talking about it and change the subject.  It's not healthy and I know that, I just can't abandon him.  I know they won't make it...the distance is always going to be a problem, as Lora refuses to leave PA and Kyle can't leave NY.  Lora's attitude is also a big problem.  She gets mad for stupid reasons, and I used to have to defuse those situations all the time.  Without me to defuse them anymore, I see them piling up into a huge explosion.  It's just taking a lot more time than I'd expected it to, unfortunately.

But I'm on a tangent now.

This weekend was long for so many reasons.  First of all, there are issues at work.  When I first started, the manager was newly separated from his wife and struggling quite a bit with it.  He hit on me a lot more than I would've liked.  When it got creepy (he once said he was going to tie me up and kidnap me), I stopped him by saying it was completely inappropriate, since he was my boss, and that I wasn't interested.  To his credit, he stopped the behavior and we have a normal working relationship.  That didn't stop our assistant manager from deciding that he was going to go after our manager's job and use me as the reason to have him fired.  He is scouring the cameras for any inappropriate behavior on our manager's part and plans to forward it to our district manager.  Luckily for our manager, he won't find anything.  But I'm tired of being in the middle of things like this, and it makes me want to call off every single day that I work.  I hate going in there, and I used to love it.

On Saturday, while I was at work, Bryan texted me with the news that his father had suffered a heart attack.  Bryan isn't terribly close to his dad, but he was rather upset by this.  The information was slow in coming from his family, though, because his dad is currently in prison for probation violations relating to a crystal meth possession charge.  Pro tip: if you're on probation for possessing crystal meth, it's probably NOT a good idea to go obtain more crystal meth, carry it around, hang out with a crowd you were instructed to stay away from, and then draw the attention of police.  It leads to you being arrested again, and this time, none of your sisters wants to bail you out...and that's exactly what happened.  He was arrested, and none of Bryan's aunts or his mom would bail him out.

Now, some of you may remember an interesting fact about Bryan's family.  His mom Tina is his dad's sister.  (Funny story: at the time I told Kyle that, all he knew about Bryan's life before me was that he'd lived in Georgia.  His response to me saying that exact thing was "When you say it like that, it sounds like he was born in Arkansas instead of Georgia."  I laughed so hard I couldn't breathe, because my husband was indeed born in Jonesboro, Arkansas.)  Anyway, it's not as bad as it sounds, I just like saying that for shock value.  His biological mom was an alcoholic crack addict, and Tina (their aunt) adopted the boys when they were very young.  We don't know where their biological mother is, and Bryan has no desire to find her.  Anyway, my mother-in-law is a wonderful woman with a masters degree who works for the federal government, and my father-in-law is a convict.  Tina never had bad taste in men, Reuben is just a bad egg in an otherwise wonderful family.

Anyway, back on the subject, I came home after work and comforted my husband, who had been okay until he heard a song by Volbeat (my absolute favorite band) that is about the death of the lead singer's father.  He was rather shaken up, so I sat and held him and told him it would be okay.  Fifteen minutes later, his aunt got back to him with information from the hospital.  It was simply heatstroke, not a heart attack like they'd originally feared.  I was relieved.  I don't love Reuben the way I love Bryan's mom or aunts/uncles, but I do care about him for the sake of my husband.  We lost Bryan's beloved grandmother last year and I don't know how much more loss he could handle right now.

When the worry and stress from that had subsided, we actually managed to have a rather pleasant weekend.  I had today off, and I'm off tomorrow too.  It's nice to have some time to recharge after being mentally drained by the soap opera currently playing out at my workplace.  I'm so over all of that.

How are you guys all doing?  Did anything interesting happen this weekend?

Kocham cie!  (I love you in Polish)


Thursday, July 18, 2013

Sad Today

Browsing Buzzfeed today, I found this article.  It broke my heart completely.

Lora and I had this.  Our friendship wasn't deep.  It revolved around stupid things like joint hair appointments, trips to the mall, and chick flicks.  We didn't have deep or intelligent conversations like Kyle and I do, and we didn't share as much in common as Lora and Bryan did, but we got along well.

We baked together, I cooked delicious dinners and silly snacks (Nutella banana quesadillas were a favorite in our house), we did leave each other goofy notes, and when we stopped speaking and I removed the photos of her from my Facebook, I lost 600 of the 1000 photos on my page.  We took a lot of photos when we were together.

She knew all the dietary restrictions I have, which changed after my surgery.  She didn't have any, but I knew all of her favorite foods and made sure to cook them when she was upset (which was pretty much all the time).

It wasn't until this article that I realized something.  Our friendship may not have been deep (like my friendships with Kyle or Andy), but it was close.  It was superficial, but it was fun.  It was pretty much exactly as the article describes.

The aftermath is affecting me more than I would've expected, having dealt reasonably well with losing friends before, and I finally understand why.  Recovering from this is basically the same as recovering from a bad breakup.  Her betrayal of me stung the way it did because we were those kinds of friends.

Luckily, I still have very good friends in my life to remind me that not everyone is psychotic.  Trisha is doing the best she can for me while preparing for the birth of her first child (my "niece" Evelyn); Andy is always there for me when I need him, no matter what; and Kyle is trying his hardest to balance our friendship with dating Lora until things fall apart one way or the other.  Neither of us really believes our friendship is going to be the relationship that falls apart, so we're just trying to make things seem as normal as possible in an abnormal situation.

I still miss her, though.  I know it's stupid, after everything she's done to me, but I do and maybe always will.  I replay the situation occasionally and wonder what I could've done to change it.  I know the answer to that question is "nothing", but it still haunts me.

Hopefully, school will give me something else to think about and free my brain from the shackles she left behind.  Only five weeks left.


Wednesday, July 17, 2013

King's College!

I know I'm giving away a bit about my location here, but I trust that none of you are creepy stalkers!  (If I'm wrong and any of you are creepy stalkers, please don't stalk me.)

Because of Lora's misbehavior in the spring, I fell badly behind in my schoolwork at Bloomsburg University and ended up having to withdraw.  I took care of her so much that it felt like I was her mother.  She and Kyle actually did call me "Mom" because I fussed over her so much, and even Bryan jumped in on it.  I was truly the mom of our little group.

When I left Bloom, I thought nothing of it.  I expected to go back during the summer semester and start all over.  Unfortunately, that's not how it went.  I had spoken to the bursar's office, the financial aid office, and the registar's office, desperately trying to make sure I wouldn't owe anything for my withdrawal.  I was told that because it was before the official withdrawal date, I would be perfectly fine.  So imagine my surprise when an $1800 bill came in the mail several weeks later!

I called, sure it was a mistake, only to be told that they'd had to send part of my loan money back to the government because of my withdrawal and I owed the balance.  When I asked why I hadn't been told that before I withdrew, no one could give me an answer.

My heart was shattered.  I loved Bloomsburg.  I loved the people I'd met, the teachers I'd had, the classes I'd taken, everything about it.  The atmosphere was perfect.  Having grown up in the shadow of campus (just a few blocks away!), I'd dreamed of attending my entire life.  Now, because of her behavior and my decision to indulge her, I would never get to finish my degree there.

For a few weeks, I sat in despair.  Kyle, who holds a masters degree in chemistry and believes that a college degree is the best thing anyone can obtain, pushed me to try other schools...but I couldn't.  My spirit was so thoroughly crushed that I couldn't do anything but sit and believe my future was over.  It was melodramatic, I know, but I was so upset.

Finally, after the initial shock had passed, I began to think.  We'd recently moved farther away from Bloomsburg, so the campus was just as far of a drive as any of the schools in nearby Wilkes-Barre.  Those schools, all private institutions, were more expensive, but there was no reason I shouldn't try for them.  I applied at King's College (Kyle's alma mater and my first choice), Misericordia University, and Wilkes University.  I wasn't expecting much, to be honest.  I'm a good student, pulling down an average GPA of 3.6, but I figured my withdrawal would work against me.

So imagine my surprise when I got the acceptance letter from Misericordia two weeks after my applications were sent in!  The acceptance from King's followed on May 16th (my mommy's birthday), and the acceptance from Wilkes followed at the beginning of June.  Having been accepted to all three, I had a choice to make.  I did my research, asked questions of all the alumni I knew from each college, and finally made the choice I'd known was the inevitable one all along.

I was going to be a King's College student!

Kyle was thrilled, though he never came out and said so.  He couldn't say enough about how much he loved the school, how good it was, and how great the professors were.  When I told him I'd have to take analytical chemistry (he is an analytical chemist) to get my minor in chemistry, he talked for several hours about the professor who teaches that class and how much he loved him.

Tomorrow I go to take my testing (which seems unnecessary, since my SAT scores were very high) and schedule my classes.  I can't wait!  Here is a little background about my chosen college from the Wikipedia page:

King's College, formally The College of Christ the King, is a liberal arts college located in Wilkes-BarreLuzerne CountyPennsylvaniaUnited States. Accredited by the Middle States Association of Colleges and Schools, King's has been ranked among the best colleges in the nation by U.S. News and World Report for 16 straight years. Barron's Best Buys in College Education selected King's as one of the top 10% of colleges in the United States.[3] King’s College ranked 366 out of the 600 best colleges in the nation according to Forbes Magazine. It's the only school in Luzerne County to make the list. According to Forbes, the college ranked number one in Northeastern Pennsylvania, scoring higher than the University of Scranton.[4] The President's Higher Education Community Service Honor Roll recognized King's innovative and effective service and service learning programs. The American Association of Colleges and Universities' Greater Expectations Initiative named the college as one of only 16 "Leadership Institutions" nationwide. The John Templeton Foundation Honor Roll for Character-Building Colleges recognized King's in its select group of 100 colleges nationwide.

I always knew King's was a good school, but I didn't know it was that good...truth be told, I'm intimidated.I hope I can live up to the standards they expect from the students they accept.  I'm going to be studying biology with a double minor in chemistry and molecular biology.  My dream career is in microbiology, but I'll see where life takes me.  I just want to be a scientist.

As lame as it is, I can't wait to go back to school shopping!  I need a new backpack.

Anyway, it's just about dinner time here in our house, so I should finish up.  I just wanted to let you guys know about this, since I'm really, really excited to have such an excellent opportunity to achieve my dream!

All my love!

Monday, July 15, 2013

A Glorious Disaster

Over the last two months, the biggest challenge I've faced is being patient.

I am NOT a patient person.  I don't like waiting for things to happen, I like making them happen.  However, when other people are involved, it's just not that simple.

I'm referring, of course, to the waiting involved in this triangle between myself, Kyle, and Lora.

Kyle is my best friend.  I can tell him absolutely anything, no matter how dark or twisted my thoughts get, and he doesn't judge me.  He's been where I've been, at the lowest of the low, and he understands how hard it can be to suffer through these situations.  He struggled very badly with Lora's ultimatum, and ended up continuing to talk to me.  When I asked him why, he said "Because you're my friend, I like talking to you, and I want to be here for you."  A few weeks later, when I told him I wasn't comfortable with being secretive like that, he flat out told Lora we were still talking.  Knowing that it would probably ruin their relationship, he confessed anyway.  She was obviously angry, but instead of leaving, she issued the same ultimatum.

It did nothing for two days.  He continued talking to me, but it wasn't normal talking.  Instead, it was a back and forth about what he was going to do.  By the end of the second night, I felt him leaning toward saying goodbye, so I told him to go ahead and do it, because it was clearly what he wanted.  He told me he wanted to see this through with her and that he was sorry.

I've never cried so hard in my life.  I tried to go to sleep that night, but I just couldn't.  Knowing that my tossing and turning was keeping Bryan awake, and he worked the next day, I got out of bed and went to the living room to sit.  Our pitch black apartment was broken only by the sounds of the dogs snoring, and my thoughts began to run like crazy.  How dare Kyle dump me for her?  All she'd done was sow pain and mistrust amongst all of us.  I'd been a good friend, a good person, and I didn't deserve that.  I deserved much better.

I didn't know then how much my next move would haunt me.

I picked up my phone and fired off six text messages, tearing into him.  I can't remember exactly what they said, but they were cruel.  I remember calling him a bastard, asking how he was going to be able to live with himself knowing how badly he'd broken my heart, and telling him that while I wasn't perfect or claiming to be perfect, I deserved a lot better treatment than I'd gotten at the hands of the two of them.  He didn't answer the messages, and my anger slowly faded away.  It was replaced by worry.  It wasn't like Kyle to ignore messages at all, especially ones like that.  I knew him better than that.  When a half hour had passed without an answer, I called him.

He answered, groggy and confused, and I immediately realized I'd woken him.  I apologized, but tearfully asked him to tell me why this was happening, why he couldn't see how much damage Lora had done.  He didn't answer, and I realized he was reading the messages.  Before I could tell him to stop, to delete them and pretend they never existed, he burst into tears.  I sat and listened as he cried, saying "Oh my god" over and over again.  I've never heard anything like it before, and I hope I never do again.  Those sobs were the sound of my best friend's heart breaking.

We ended up talking for about an hour before I realized I was finally tired.  We got off the phone and I went to sleep, expecting to never hear from him again.  Instead, he texted me the next morning, and every single day since then.  We don't talk about that night, except for one time that I apologized profusely for what I did.  I can still hear the sound of his sobs in a distant part of my brain that won't let me forget how badly I hurt him.

That was a really long story to tell you guys that I haven't lost my best friend...the problem here is that neither has Lora.  She doesn't deserve him and is actually incredibly controlling, but he won't leave her.  He can't.  He feels like he would be abandoning her, because she has no one else.  (The reason she has no one else is because she ruins all her friendships the way she ruined ours, just saying.)  So instead, he suffers on in a relationship he's not happy about.

Last weekend, she visited him in NY.  The day he told me she was coming up, he was completely miserable.  The next day, we talked while he was at work, and again, he was miserable.  When I pointed this out and asked him if that was the kind of relationship he wanted, he replied "I don't want anything anymore."  When she's not around, he's his old self again.  When she is, I barely recognize him.

Some of my friends have suggested that I simply tell her that we're still talking, which they assume will incense her enough to leave.  I can't imagine being that underhanded, though.  I would never do anything to sabotage their relationship...I'm not that kind of person.

I know that a relationship like this can't possibly last forever, so I'm doing my best to be patient while it fizzles out.  He and I have worked out an unspoken agreement where neither of us talk about her or their relationship.  It seems to be doing pretty well for us, and our friendship is starting to feel normal again.  However, it hurts to sit silently and watch him be miserable, suffering at the hands of a petty child trapped in a woman's body.

I wish he'd leave, but I know the way his mind works.  He can't abandon her any more than he could abandon me.

Has anyone else been in a situation like this before?  Do you have any advice for how to cope until she finally gets tired of playing with him and moves on to her next target?

Crossing my fingers!

Friday, July 12, 2013

Lesson Learned

Today has been a very rough day for me.  I'm having some low self-esteem issues on top of dealing with my recovery efforts.  Because I have the day off work, I chose to spend it relaxing and thinking about how this entire situation has changed me.

One of the biggest changes I've noticed is that I withdraw more than I used to.  I know it's unhealthy, but I simply don't have the strength to deal with stress in my day to day life lately.  I've found that it's so much easier to detach from a situation if it's distressing to me.  The whole world fades away and it's just me and my thoughts, which are most often negative.  Unfortunately, this usually leads to bad things.  I've found that I have developed a bad habit of looking without seeing, if that makes sense.  Basically, I observe the world around me without taking in a single detail.

I was thinking about that today as I was walking through the expanse of grass between my apartment and the mailbox.  I go barefoot as much as I can, and this walk was no exception.  I kept my eyes on the ground the entire time, trying my hardest to avoid any dangerous steps.  The yard slopes down and is full of rocks and all kinds of other things, but those weren't really my biggest worry.  I was concerned about a type of thistle that grows in PA during the summer.  It's large and flat and hides in grass, waiting to snag a bare foot with long, insidious spikes.

It was as I was walking through the grass that I realized I wasn't actually absorbing any of the details I was passing.  I live in a beautiful area, surrounded by trees and wild berries and gorgeous wildflowers and I wasn't actually seeing any of it as I walked.  I was watching the ground pass beneath my feet, but took in absolutely no details.  Even if I had passed a thistle, I realized that I never would've noticed.

It made me think about how much I must be missing while I'm dwelling on the past.  Summer is a beautiful season in Pennsylvania, and I'm surrounded by family, friends, and even coworkers who adore me.  I should be living my life to the absolute fullest, not focusing on a past I can't change.

Lost in my reverie, I didn't notice the thistle in front of me until I planted my bare foot on top of it.

Thursday, July 11, 2013

2013 So Far

So far, I'm not at all impressed by this year.  2011 stole my home and my babies...I thought it couldn't get worse.  Then 2012 came along and robbed me of the security in my marriage, my health, my gallbladder, and my home (again!).  When 2013 arrived, I kept telling myself that it had to be a better is not living up to this!

First, Bryan tried leaving again on New Year's Day.  We'd spent the day with Andy and Ausia at their new apartment, and he'd been acting funny all day.  On our drive home, he picked a fight and then told me he wanted a divorce.  It was a very long two hours while we argued back and forth.  We got home, he packed up, and he left.  That night, Lora came over to help me...but she sat for an hour in silence, on her phone the entire time, and then left.  Kyle was my real saving grace...he stayed up with me until 4 AM (despite having work at 7 AM) just talking about everything.  When he got me onto the topic of biology, I was off and running with a smile on my face.  It got me through that rough night.  I didn't beg Bryan to come back, though...I wasn't going to do that this time.  We talked a bit, but I had resigned myself to the fact that it was over this time.  Instead, three nights later, he climbed back into our bed at 2:30 in the morning.  He'd partially dislocated his hip sleeping in his car and was in a lot of pain.  The next morning we talked things over, he apologized profusely for "being stupid" (his words), and we tried again.

A week later, Lora (who had broken up with Stan right after Christmas) and I went for our normal girly date...we always went to the mall and to get our hair done.  She'd taken a bit of an interest in Kyle, so I was sending him goofy text messages while we were on our way to the mall.  At lunch, she asked for his number, and I gave it to her without worry...she was one of my best friends and Bryan's absolute best friend, and Kyle was my best friend.  What could go wrong?
Well, they got along beautifully.  They started dating, we planned a huge trip to Philadelphia for Lora's birthday, and life was perfect.  I'd never seen Kyle so happy, and I was thrilled for them both.  Lora finally had a guy who wasn't a total jerk...I didn't think things could get any better.
It was around this time that Lora, Bryan and I started talking about finding a place together again...around tax time, the perfect apartment fell into our lap.  It was a beautiful two bedroom with an open floor plan and every single utility (including internet!) included in the rent.  The rent was pricey, of course, but it was totally worth it.  The landlady, Charmaine, was an absolute gem and she loved our pit bull, Moose.  We moved in on February 25th with a lot of help from my family, Lora's family, and Kyle.  That night, I made homemade pizza and the four of us (Lora, Kyle, Bryan, and I) played Apples to Apples while sitting on an air mattress and beanbags.  We had no furniture, no TV hookup, and we hadn't unpacked a thing.

The next couple months were turbulent, to say the least.  Lora had grown steadily more jealous of my innocent friendship with Kyle, but continued to flirt with my husband to her heart's content.  I ignored it because I knew it was just her personality and I trusted the two of them.  Kyle had aired his concerns over it with me, but we'd gotten past wasn't without a lot of tears on my end, though.  He informed me that Lora had said (not once, but twice) that if Bryan wasn't married to me, she'd be dating him.  I was heartbroken but convinced myself and Kyle that it meant nothing.  Lora also started to fall apart.  She'd had knee surgery in early March, right after we moved in, and had to quit her job.  The longer she went without a job, the worse she got.  It didn't help that her therapist was trying to get her to cope with her dad's suicide, which she'd avoided coping with for 12 years.  At 24, she'd spent half her life pretending, and it was rough to start talking about it.  She became addicted to Vicodin, which was prescribed to her after her surgery.

She also found out she'd need a diagnostic laparoscopy to determine whether or not she had endometriosis, so she was an absolute mess.  One morning I woke up and texted Kyle, as was my normal routine.  After a few texts, he informed me that she'd taken a pill cocktail that morning to "try to sleep" and she hadn't answered him in an hour.  He begged me not to go barging in on her, so I simply peeked in her room and saw that she was still breathing.  She'd been suffering from night terrors and wasn't sleeping well, so I left her to it.  Three hours later, as I was working on my prelab assignments for my cell biology lab, I got a text that stopped my heart.

"I need u"

Three simple words (sort of).  Lora never abbreviated like that, so I flew back to her room to see her sitting in the dark, hunched over.  When I turned on the light, she cried out and covered her face.  I turned it back off and sat down next to her.  Talking it over, I learned that she'd taken two Vicodin and an Ambien.  One more Vicodin and she probably would've died.  I got her out of bed and dragged her to the hospital.  She was flushed, sweating, and in serious pain.  The entire way, I talked to her about how she could've died, and she finally said that she knew she could've died and did it anyway.  I realized that she'd become suicidal.

I ended up dropping out of school and losing my job because I wanted to stay home and care for her.  My decisions weren't popular with anyone, Lora especially, but I had to see that she was okay.  I couldn't, in good conscience, let her die.  I became her warden, controlling all the medication she had...or so I thought.  On Easter Sunday, Kyle came out of her room with a look that I could read like a book, and I demanded to know what was wrong.  She'd done it again...this time with the Vicodin I gave him to get her through the night and a muscle relaxant she'd had hidden.  He felt completely awful and guilty, but I was furious.  I fled to my mom's house, calmed down a bit, and returned to the apartment.  When I got back, I collected all her medication, dropped it on her bed, and said "Here.  If you want it, fucking take it."

Things fell apart quickly after that.  April was a rough month, with her picking a week long fight with Kyle over nothing.  She was mad at him for something he hadn't done, and then got angry that he wasn't there when she needed him emotionally (this was the week of her laparoscopic surgery) even though it was her fault.  I tried to be the go-between for them, at Lora's request, but I was getting sick of it.  The day of her surgery, I sat in the hospital and talked to her mom, who informed me that she didn't think Lora's previous relationships had failed because of the men in them.  We talked about how Lora needed to heal herself before she'd have a successful relationship, and I started to worry about Kyle.
The weekend after Lora's surgery, I went for a Strength and Rebirth Retreat my mom had gotten me sponsored for.  I needed it desperately.  Lora's negativity was draining all my energy, especially since I hadn't yet found another job myself.  We were struggling badly, and it was getting so much worse every day.  I returned feeling a thousand times better, but that wasn't going to last.

No matter what I did for Lora, it wasn't enough.  She grew more and more jealous over my friendship with Kyle, but refused to tell me what was wrong.  Instead, she hid in her room and wouldn't talk to me.  I had pretty much given up by this point.  If she didn't want to talk things over like an adult, I wasn't going to force her.  Finally, in the middle of May, things came to a head and Lora informed me she was moving out.  I asked her to stay and talk things out, but she wouldn't.  She told Kyle he had to choose between me or her, and basically did her best to destroy everything.
Her flirting with Bryan had had exactly the effect she'd wanted it husband thought he was in love with her, and the news of her moving out led him to inform me of that fact.  I broke at that point.  I just couldn't take anymore.  She was attempting to take my best friend from me, hurting both Kyle and I very badly in the process, and now my husband was ready to leave over this.  I couldn't do it anymore.  I moved back in with my parents the same day Lora moved out of the apartment.

The situation is still sending shockwaves through Kyle, Bryan, and I two months after the initial explosion.

Bryan realized (with some professional help) that he wasn't in love with Lora, just jealous of the honeymoon phase she and Kyle were in.  In his mind, she represented that.  He and I are trying to work through things, but we are separated.  We will see where this goes.

Kyle continued talking to me, despite Lora's ultimatum.  She found out twice: once because Bryan told her, and once because Kyle did.  Both times she freaked out and issued the ultimatum again, and both times it changed nothing.  He and I are still friends today, trying to regain at least a semblance of the friendship we had before.  It seems to be getting a lot better, but they are still dating as well, so there are points where we can't talk at all because she's visiting him.  We're kind of in a holding pattern, just waiting to see what happens here.  I truly don't believe it's going to last between them, since it's long distance and Lora has a short temper.  She ruins all her relationships.  I'm sticking around to pick up the pieces she leaves when she dumps him.

I am struggling pretty badly, in truth.  I've had a lot of help to try to recover, but it's hard when someone you've loved for five years...someone you've seen through a million different problems...just turns around and throws your heart back in your face like that.  She betrayed me worse than I've ever been betrayed by anyone, which is saying a lot.  It shattered me.  I went to some pretty dark places, became someone I didn't recognize at all, and took a lot of pain out on people who didn't deserve it...mostly Kyle, since he was completely innocent in all of this.  Bryan bore a lot of my anger as well, but he kind of deserved that.  This mess brought me to my lowest point ever, and I had hammered out an entire plan to take my own life.  It didn't end up coming to fruition, and I'm trying as hard as I can to recover from this.

I've claimed the song "Amaryllis" by Shinedown as my anthem for recovery, and I listen to it whenever I'm feeling negative thoughts.  It's my letter to myself, from the woman I know I am to the broken woman this situation made me.  If I survive the recovery, I plan to have an amaryllis bloom tattooed at the base of my neck with the words "The brightest flame burns quickest" (a Metallica line) curved around the bottom.  I will keep you guys updated on my recovery, among the other things that are about to start happening in my life.

Amaryllis - Shinedown

In a while now,
I will feel better,
I'll face the weather before me
In a while now,
I'll race the irony,
And buy back each word of my eulogy

All the uninvited tragedies
Step outside

Ask yourself now
Where would you be without
Days like this
When you finally collide
With a moment you can't forget

So do I remind you of
Someone you never met
A lonely silhouette?
And do I remind you of
Somewhere you wanna be
So far out of reach?
I wish you'd open up for me
Cause I wanna know you,

Stay a while now
Undress your colors
Cause they're like no others I've ever seen
I could get used to your company
Step inside

Ask yourself now
Where would you be without
Days like this
When you finally collide
With emotions you can't resist

So do I remind you of
Someone you never met
A lonely silhouette?
And do I remind you of
Somewhere you wanna be
So far out of reach?
I wish you'd open up for me
Cause I wanna know you,

In a while now
I will feel better
I will be better

So do I remind you of
Someone you never met
A lonely silhouette?
And do I remind you of
Somewhere you wanna be
So far out of reach?
I wish you'd open up for me
Cause I wanna know you,


Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Starting Over!

Hi, everyone!

Gosh, it's been a really long time since I've posted...I feel terrible.  I kept meaning to post, but school and life and everything else keeps getting in the way.  However, I'm doing a project with a bunch of other Cracked readers (if you've never been to, you should definitely go now!) to learn a new, interesting skill in 2013.  Many of the readers added things they wanted to get better about, and one of mine was writing.  I love writing, I love talking to you guys, and I love my blog!  I'm going to get better!

In case anyone is curious, though, the new skill I'm working on is that I'm learning Danish.  I already speak Spanish, and it's my goal to be at least slightly trilingual by December 31st!

Anyway, you may notice that all the old posts are totally gone.  I needed a fresh start without all the baggage from my past.  In this post, I'm going to give you quick updates about everyone who has been mentioned, and then I'll spend the next few days expanding on them before starting to write about anything and everything that crosses my mind!

Starting with my family...Bryan and I are still together.  Our fifth wedding anniversary is this Sunday.  We have had some more issues recently, which I'll expand upon, but things seem to be back on an even keel.  My parents are doing well, though we're worried about my dad...he's been having some memory issues lately.  Jonah is 10, plays football and the alto saxophone, and is starting cyber school this year.  Elizabeth is also still married, and her son B is 15 months old.  My nephew is the sweetest baby boy!  <3 br="">
As for my friends...Andy and his wife are doing wonderfully.  They moved into a beautiful new apartment (with a LOT more space), and Bryan and I try to visit as often as we can.  Kyle and I are still friends, and I still lean on him a lot.  Bryan has now met him many, many times and is a lot more comfortable with the friendship.  Trisha and I are also still October, she lost her son when she was 8 months pregnant.  I was absolutely heartbroken.  She chose to start trying again as soon as she was cleared by her doctor, and is due to give birth to my "niece" Evelyn by C-section on August 1st.  I'm so excited!  Lora is no longer in my life.  Those of you who have been following shouldn't be shocked by this, but you're definitely going to be when I tell you the details of what happened there.

I've missed you all and I hope you will follow along as I catch you up over the events of 2013 and get my blog where I'd like it to be!

(I'll also keep you updated on my other goals...learning Danish, experimenting in the kitchen, and getting my grades back on track!)

Jeg elsker dig!