Saturday, August 24, 2013


I feel really shitty and depressed right now, and I'm not sure if it's normal or not.

After my post about how it had been three months and I was really tired of this entire mess, I started to pull away from Kyle.  We still talked, but it had none of the warmth that had characterized our friendship up to this point.  Our light-hearted bantering was all but done, and the conversations were just about how miserable our lives had become.  Talking is supposed to help, but it really wasn't.

As time went on, I found myself confiding in him less and less.  The conversations became more shallow, about silly surface things...we were no longer the same people who became friends a year and half ago, and I was finding it harder and harder to find glimpses of my friend inside the stranger who was claiming his identity.

Last night made it so much worse, though.  We got into it a bit about something, which has happened at least once every couple weeks since this began.  Just the mention of her is enough to start a fight between the two of us.  Only this time, I was just sad.  There was no anger, no passion...just a deep sadness over the fact that a man I had once respected and counted as a best friend was allowing his personality to be completely erased by a woman he doesn't even truly love.  I told him this, we went back and forth over it for a while, got distracted briefly by the announcement of the special edition Zelda Wii U (at heart, all we've ever been is 20-something nerds), and then went back to going back and forth.  It wasn't an argument, though I got rather sarcastic and snappy at times.  I was just so sick of hearing "We'll see what happens".  If I never hear or see that phrase again, I will die a happy woman.

Anyway, he went to bed a bit early because he was heading back to the area today for a trip with his family.  Not long after he went to bed, Bryan got home from the double he pulled yesterday.  He was tired, so we chatted for a bit and then went to sleep ourselves.  But I couldn't sleep, so I kept my phone on me and read on my Kindle app.  I don't know why I chose a lighthearted romance novel, but I did...and it was the worst idea.

By midnight, I was done with my book, but I couldn't stop crying.  Everything that has happened and all the doubt I'm experiencing just wouldn't stop assaulting my brain, and I was exhausted with the effort of pretending I'm not a wreck all the time.  I sent a message to Trisha, praying she'd be awake and able to help me so I didn't have to resort to my absolute last-ditch plan: calling Kyle.  Unfortunately, though I waited until 12:30, no answer came.

At this point, I'd left our bedroom and I was sitting in a pile of blankets in a laundry basket in our upstairs laundry room.  Everyone in the house was fast asleep, even the pets, and the only sound was the sound of my crying as I tapped the call button on Kyle's contact card in my phone.

It rang once, and I stifled a sob.  I had no idea why I was doing this...we hadn't spoken on the phone in well over a month.
Another ring, and the nerves started up.  I don't know why I was nervous.  Probably because the man on the other end was basically a stranger to me by this point.
A third ring followed...then a fourth...then a fifth.

When his voicemail picked up, I knew what I realized I had suspected all along:  Kyle's phone would no longer ring after 11 PM when I called.

After the last time, he'd taken me off that special list to make Lora happy.

I was completely alone.

A few more minutes of crying later, and I decided I would just go in and cry myself to sleep.  I snuggled in next to my dogs and Bryan and fell asleep.

So far this morning, I haven't heard a peep from Kyle.  Not a "good morning", and definitely not the message I would've expected to get (which I know because of past actions), which would've been along the lines of "Why did you call me last night?  Are you okay?"  There has been nothing but silence from my phone all morning.

On my end, I'm just hurt that he would go so far as to remove me from that list.  I was the only person on it outside of Kyle's family starting from the day he got his phone, and I never abused the privilege.  He talked me through a few difficult nights this last year, when Bryan left repeatedly instead of staying to face the issues we were dealing with, but I left him alone after he went to bed for the most part.

Last night was no different from any of those other nights he'd helped me face, except the fact that I was left alone, with no one at all to talk to about the issues I don't seem equipped to handle.

I haven't said a word to him yet this morning either...and I don't think I'm going to, even if I do hear from him.  Hearing his voicemail last night solidified my belief that our friendship is over, and I don't think further discussion on either side is going to be able to do anything to save it or make the end any more final.

I am so done with trying to be there for someone who won't grant me the same courtesy.

I just wish it didn't hurt so damn much.


Sunday, August 18, 2013

Deep Thoughts

I recently came across a comment section on an article where the commentors were discussing how they would want to be remembered if they died that day.  It was actually a really interesting conversation, and led to more than a few of them writing the kind of obituary they would want to have written about themselves.

It got me thinking: how would I be remembered if I died today?  Not just by my family, but by everyone who has ever known me?

I like to think it would be favorable.  I'm not perfect, but I'm the kind of person who will bend over backwards to help the people I love before I do a single thing for myself.  I know there would be a few negative people who would say bad things about me just because they felt like it (like the people I went to high school with), but I try my hardest to have positive interactions with most people.

Anyway, it ended up making me think about how I'd like my obituary to look if my life ended today.  So, without further ado, this is how I would like to be remembered.

J [full name removed], 24, of [town], Pennsylvania, died in her home on August 18th, 2013.

She was born in Long Branch, New Jersey on November 4th, 1988, daughter of Robert [last name] and Lynda [last name].

She was a 2006 graduate of [town] Area High School, and was enrolled at King's College in Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania.  She intended to major in biology, with minors in chemistry and molecular biology.

She will be remembered by those closest to her as a caring individual who loved her family, her friends, and her pets.  She was an avid animal rescuer who fostered for a local pit bull rescue and shared her home with two rescued dogs, a corn snake, and a parakeet.  Her passion was science, but she also loved to read, to sing, and to bake.  She was a member of the King's College choir, the Cantores Christi Regis.

She is survived by her husband of five years, Bryan, of [town], Pennsylvania; her parents, Robert and Lynda, of [town], Pennsylvania; her older sister Angelica [last name] and her husband Tim, of [town], Pennsylvania; her younger sister Elizabeth [last name] and her husband John, of [town], Pennsylvania; her younger brother Jonah [last name], of [town], Pennsylvania; her nephew, Brydon [last name]; and her beloved pets.

As morbid as this might seem, it does serve a purpose for reminds me that life is fleeting and that every day I spend on this planet could be my last.  Why be negative or treat anyone badly?  That's not the kind of legacy I want to leave.  I want people to remember me as a nice person.

How do you want people to remember you?


Saturday, August 10, 2013

Three Months

Today is three months to the day since Lora's incredibly selfish actions tore huge holes in the fabric of my life.  It's also the day that I've realized I'm totally fed up with the status quo.

A warning before I go on:  there are a few things that I'm going to mention that will not be elaborated on in this writing.  I promise I will write about them in the future, but they are not for this piece.  This piece is to relieve the ridiculous pressure in my mind that, so far, has only manifested itself as a flood of tears and heartache.  That being said, I'll go on.

Bryan and I healing from what happened, but it's a long and arduous road.  Things have happened on both sides that neither of us are proud of, and there's a good chance it could end up tearing our marriage apart.  How we can even hope to recover after all that has happened is the biggest question on my mind.  Just sustaining the shattered pieces we managed to pick up has drained me of all my energy.  I honestly don't know that I can continue to hold my marriage together, no matter how much I love my husband.

There was an incident about two weeks ago.  Some serious medical issues, a lot of stress, and a little bit of alcohol came together and caused Bryan to have a violent personality change.  By violent, I mean physically.  He attacked me with a strength and ferocity I didn't know he was capable of...I truly believed he might kill me.  He ended up hospitalized, where they discovered his disorder...but I was the one with the bruises, the split lip, and the abject fear.  About a week after that, as we were trying to recover from that incident (again, topic for another post), our landlady had a psychotic break and we had to flee our apartment.  Luckily, we had no lease, so leaving was easy.  However, she's taken to harassing the people around us.  I had to leave my job because it was too close to her home and I knew she would come looking for me there.  All in all, it's been a very rough two weeks.

There is only one friend in my life who knows the absolute truth about those two situations...Kyle.  He's the only friend I know I can share 100% of my thoughts and feelings with and not be shunned, no matter how dark or depressed or angry I get.  Unfortunately, in the midst of all of the bigger issues, I'm struggling with him too.

It's now been exactly three months since Lora told him to stop talking to me.  With the exception of her visits to NY, he and I still talk every day.  There is friction, though, and I believe it's finally worn me away to nothing.  I know he's doing everything he can to prevent anyone from getting hurt, but it's no longer working.  At this point, I believe nothing binds us save our memories of a friendship that was once wonderful.  Because of that, I can't seem to step back and say "I'm sorry, but I need you out of my life."  I want to, but I don't want to.  I cling to the memory of the man who was once one of the most amazing men of my acquaintance.  He's gone now, though, and I can't find him.

When I tell him this (and I have, several times), he just apologizes.  I know he is aware of the change in his own self.  He says he feels nothing but tired, and claims that after everything he's been through, he's entitled to feel drained.  I know I've put him through hell myself, and I have not been able to apologize enough for this, but I still have to sit here and watch as she toys with him.

The night Bryan attacked me was the last night of her last visit to NY.  Blinded by fear, physical and emotional pain, and heartbreak, I called the only person who I knew was capable of talking me down from the heightened "fight" response my body had initiated...Kyle.  His brain and my brain are functionally identical.  However, mine didn't make the connection that she was still was merely seeking comfort.  I laid on my bed, the phone laying next to me but not to my ear, listening to the ringing...when his voicemail picked up, I was wracked with terrible sobs.  I'd never experienced anything like them in my entire entire bed shook with the movements of my body as I wailed.  I was alone.

The next day, I learned that my call had caused a lot of problems between the two of them, and Kyle was afraid they were over.  I felt nothing, of course.  I was still reeling from the previous night, physical pain that screamed with every movement of my body, and a serious lack of sleep.  It didn't take me long to see that Kyle was more concerned that Lora may have dumped him than with showing even the slightest bit of concern with what I'd gone through.  (They didn't end up breaking up.)

I think that was the day I started to detach.

After our hurried move, I realized how badly I needed a friend.  My three best friends all live long distances from me.  Andy and his wife reside in southern PA, about two and a half hours away.  Trisha lives in AZ, separated from me by the majority of the country.  (This is a fact that I frequently lament.)  Kyle lives in NY, roughly three hours from here.  Close by, the only one I really had was Lora, and she didn't just burn that bridge...she blew it up.  There is no returning to what we had, even if I wanted to.

I'd known that Kyle was planning a visit back to the area this weekend, so I decided to see if he'd be interested in hanging out for a little bit.  He turned me down, saying he didn't have enough time, but I know him better than I know myself and I knew the real reason...he didn't want to see me anymore.  I confronted him, and he didn't bother lying.  He apologized and said that it was too hard, admitting his fears of being seen and word getting back to Lora.  My detachment, which was slowly progressing at that point, kicked into high gear.  I've never bothered making time for people who wouldn't make time for me.

Anyway, that was a lot of backstory to get to the point.  Sorry about that.

Right now, I'm sitting alone.  I'm so depressed that I can't seem to muster up the urge to go anywhere or do anything.  I haven't cashed my final paycheck, my sewing projects are abandoned, and I struggled to finish a book I recently started and was devouring.

I will admit that I promised to hide in the shadows so Kyle wouldn't have to feel guilty about abandoning me, but three months is a very long time to hide with no hope for the future.  I only agreed to be his dirty little secret because I honestly thought the two of them would be done by now.  Multiple times, she's learned of his lying to her (to protect me), and multiple times, she's spent days putting him through hell to punish him and then deciding she doesn't want to leave.  He tolerates it because he's afraid of being alone, and I tolerate it because I know if I leave, he actually will be alone the day she does leave.  They can't possibly last forever, a fact I think Kyle is aware of, but neither can I.

I've been ground into nothingness by the events of the last few weeks.  I'm tired, angry, depressed, and heartbroken.  My marriage is probably going to fall apart and my closest friend, the strongest pillar in my support system (until recently), won't even be there to help cushion the fall.

There's a part of me that is still holding onto the past, desperate to save the friendship Kyle and I once had.  That part of me doesn't want to lose him.  But there's a growing part of me that just doesn't care anymore.  The longer this drags on, the closer we get to grinding away the part that still cares.

I've never felt this lost in my entire life.