Saturday, August 10, 2013

Three Months

Today is three months to the day since Lora's incredibly selfish actions tore huge holes in the fabric of my life.  It's also the day that I've realized I'm totally fed up with the status quo.

A warning before I go on:  there are a few things that I'm going to mention that will not be elaborated on in this writing.  I promise I will write about them in the future, but they are not for this piece.  This piece is to relieve the ridiculous pressure in my mind that, so far, has only manifested itself as a flood of tears and heartache.  That being said, I'll go on.

Bryan and I healing from what happened, but it's a long and arduous road.  Things have happened on both sides that neither of us are proud of, and there's a good chance it could end up tearing our marriage apart.  How we can even hope to recover after all that has happened is the biggest question on my mind.  Just sustaining the shattered pieces we managed to pick up has drained me of all my energy.  I honestly don't know that I can continue to hold my marriage together, no matter how much I love my husband.

There was an incident about two weeks ago.  Some serious medical issues, a lot of stress, and a little bit of alcohol came together and caused Bryan to have a violent personality change.  By violent, I mean physically.  He attacked me with a strength and ferocity I didn't know he was capable of...I truly believed he might kill me.  He ended up hospitalized, where they discovered his disorder...but I was the one with the bruises, the split lip, and the abject fear.  About a week after that, as we were trying to recover from that incident (again, topic for another post), our landlady had a psychotic break and we had to flee our apartment.  Luckily, we had no lease, so leaving was easy.  However, she's taken to harassing the people around us.  I had to leave my job because it was too close to her home and I knew she would come looking for me there.  All in all, it's been a very rough two weeks.

There is only one friend in my life who knows the absolute truth about those two situations...Kyle.  He's the only friend I know I can share 100% of my thoughts and feelings with and not be shunned, no matter how dark or depressed or angry I get.  Unfortunately, in the midst of all of the bigger issues, I'm struggling with him too.

It's now been exactly three months since Lora told him to stop talking to me.  With the exception of her visits to NY, he and I still talk every day.  There is friction, though, and I believe it's finally worn me away to nothing.  I know he's doing everything he can to prevent anyone from getting hurt, but it's no longer working.  At this point, I believe nothing binds us save our memories of a friendship that was once wonderful.  Because of that, I can't seem to step back and say "I'm sorry, but I need you out of my life."  I want to, but I don't want to.  I cling to the memory of the man who was once one of the most amazing men of my acquaintance.  He's gone now, though, and I can't find him.

When I tell him this (and I have, several times), he just apologizes.  I know he is aware of the change in his own self.  He says he feels nothing but tired, and claims that after everything he's been through, he's entitled to feel drained.  I know I've put him through hell myself, and I have not been able to apologize enough for this, but I still have to sit here and watch as she toys with him.

The night Bryan attacked me was the last night of her last visit to NY.  Blinded by fear, physical and emotional pain, and heartbreak, I called the only person who I knew was capable of talking me down from the heightened "fight" response my body had initiated...Kyle.  His brain and my brain are functionally identical.  However, mine didn't make the connection that she was still was merely seeking comfort.  I laid on my bed, the phone laying next to me but not to my ear, listening to the ringing...when his voicemail picked up, I was wracked with terrible sobs.  I'd never experienced anything like them in my entire entire bed shook with the movements of my body as I wailed.  I was alone.

The next day, I learned that my call had caused a lot of problems between the two of them, and Kyle was afraid they were over.  I felt nothing, of course.  I was still reeling from the previous night, physical pain that screamed with every movement of my body, and a serious lack of sleep.  It didn't take me long to see that Kyle was more concerned that Lora may have dumped him than with showing even the slightest bit of concern with what I'd gone through.  (They didn't end up breaking up.)

I think that was the day I started to detach.

After our hurried move, I realized how badly I needed a friend.  My three best friends all live long distances from me.  Andy and his wife reside in southern PA, about two and a half hours away.  Trisha lives in AZ, separated from me by the majority of the country.  (This is a fact that I frequently lament.)  Kyle lives in NY, roughly three hours from here.  Close by, the only one I really had was Lora, and she didn't just burn that bridge...she blew it up.  There is no returning to what we had, even if I wanted to.

I'd known that Kyle was planning a visit back to the area this weekend, so I decided to see if he'd be interested in hanging out for a little bit.  He turned me down, saying he didn't have enough time, but I know him better than I know myself and I knew the real reason...he didn't want to see me anymore.  I confronted him, and he didn't bother lying.  He apologized and said that it was too hard, admitting his fears of being seen and word getting back to Lora.  My detachment, which was slowly progressing at that point, kicked into high gear.  I've never bothered making time for people who wouldn't make time for me.

Anyway, that was a lot of backstory to get to the point.  Sorry about that.

Right now, I'm sitting alone.  I'm so depressed that I can't seem to muster up the urge to go anywhere or do anything.  I haven't cashed my final paycheck, my sewing projects are abandoned, and I struggled to finish a book I recently started and was devouring.

I will admit that I promised to hide in the shadows so Kyle wouldn't have to feel guilty about abandoning me, but three months is a very long time to hide with no hope for the future.  I only agreed to be his dirty little secret because I honestly thought the two of them would be done by now.  Multiple times, she's learned of his lying to her (to protect me), and multiple times, she's spent days putting him through hell to punish him and then deciding she doesn't want to leave.  He tolerates it because he's afraid of being alone, and I tolerate it because I know if I leave, he actually will be alone the day she does leave.  They can't possibly last forever, a fact I think Kyle is aware of, but neither can I.

I've been ground into nothingness by the events of the last few weeks.  I'm tired, angry, depressed, and heartbroken.  My marriage is probably going to fall apart and my closest friend, the strongest pillar in my support system (until recently), won't even be there to help cushion the fall.

There's a part of me that is still holding onto the past, desperate to save the friendship Kyle and I once had.  That part of me doesn't want to lose him.  But there's a growing part of me that just doesn't care anymore.  The longer this drags on, the closer we get to grinding away the part that still cares.

I've never felt this lost in my entire life.

5 comments: said...

I am sorry that you are having to go through all that, it is hard to see now but i imagine you will come out stronger in the end. When you go back to school maybe you will make some new friends which will help.

I lost my best friend a few months before my wedding last year, we were friends 13 years and told each other everything. She was the only person to know me that well. A year + later and it really doesn't bother me that much anymore even though i am alone too with a few acquaintances. I see things now that i didn't before.

I thought in one post you said you were seperated, i caught up all at once (stumbled back here by accident, i deleted it when it was apparent you were not coming back) and then you were back there so i am a bit confused with the holes. I have never liked your husband though for some reason and always thought you could do better.

I wish you had left up the old posts for a bit though so those of us who had read your blog faithfully before but don't remember every single detail could have refreshed as i still feel very lost but ah well such is life.

Kyle is not that good of a friend if he can't be there for you. Sad that a girl can come between you but at the same time she is the one he chooses to be with and i don't think he gets how much it will affect him when they split and you really aren't there.

That is a lot to go through in 2 weeks, do you have a victims services there that you do not have to pay for?? In canada we have a lot of things free compared to there so that is why i am asking, if so i would seek them out if i were you so that you have someone to talk too. You can always write too even if you dont publish the posts, just to get it all out there.

J said...

Sorry, darling, I didn't mean to confuse you! Bryan and I were separated, but we decided to try to work things out and I moved back to the apartment because it was way closer to my job. I had a less than 1 mile drive from the apartment to work, so it was easier logistically.

The college I'm going to be attending does offer free counseling to students, so I'll probably seek that out when I start, which is two weeks from today. I will keep writing and publishing the blog entries, but I definitely need a professional to help me work through this mess.

As for Kyle, he's a good friend, he's just dumb. Which is a shame, because he's really very intelligent...but when you're on the inside of a situation, you don't see how bad it really looks. It isn't until you get out of it that you're like "Holy crap, WTF was I thinking?" That's how I felt once Lora was gone, and I think that's probably how he'll feel once the shroud is gone. I'm just exasperated by how long it's taking and I told him so.

In fact, I sent him that blog post. (Not the link, of course, just the text) He told me he'd read it, and that it made him feel like he was being a terrible friend. Hopefully, things start to change now. Of course, you guys will know if they do or don't!

If you have any questions about anything that you're not entirely clear on, please don't hesitate to ask! I'll help you clear it all up!


mum said...

J -
As hard as it is for you to do, you have to cut Kyle off. He is not being the supportive friend you need. You said yourself, and I paraphrase, you put up with his shit because when he and bitchy finally do split up, he'll be all alone. That is not your problem, hon. You've got to take care of you. One thing I remember from all of the old posts is how you are constantly putting yourself out there for others. No one can fix you and Bryan but you and Bryan - if you want to fix it, that is. Kyle has become just a distraction, a heart-breaking one at that. He is grown. He has decided what he wants, that is perfectly clear, crystal clear. He selfishly keeps in touch with you. You are his back-up plan. YOU DON'T DESERVE THAT!

Please, hon, rethink how much you are invested in that relationship vs how much Kyle is.

You and Bryan need to work on helping each other. I'm a girl who would prefer to be in a guy's company over a girl's, but I think my guy would be very conflicted if I had a strong relationship with another guy as you have (had) with Kyle.

It is time for you to be selfish and focus on you and Bryan and the healing that needs to happen for you to survive this. Kyle is not gonna be what you need no matter how much you think he's gonna "come back" to you.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, I really wish you were in front of me and I could give you a hug and cry with you. Blessings, friend. mum

J said...


The biggest problem I'm currently facing is that I don't know if I want to fix things with Bryan. I don't know how I feel about that situation at all. I've looked up divorce laws in our state, so I know all about the process I would have to follow to file...he's trying really hard and while it was an illness that led to what he did to me, the illness was caused by his neglect of his own health. There is no way to paint the violent incident in any way that does not lay it squarely at his feet. I'll write more about that later.

Bryan has had his share of jealousy over my friendship with Kyle, but he was over it five minutes after meeting him. Anyone with eyes could see that Kyle respected our marriage and had no interest in pursuing a married woman. It's just not how he is. The biggest problem there is that Kyle and I are so alike...we both try to please others and keep everyone from getting hurt. He didn't want to hurt me, but he also doesn't want to hurt Lora.

I have some pretty serious decisions to make, but I've decided I'm leaving everything as is until some time has passed and I can think clearly. It's been a little over three weeks since Bryan hurt me, and I'm nowhere near okay with what happened. Until I can get my thoughts in order, I have no intention of making a decision I could regret in the future. Anything I do now could easily be irreversible. I'd hate to leave Bryan, realize it was a mistake, and end up finding out it's too late to get him back...or cutting Kyle out and wounding him in some way that would prevent a future friendship.

I'll write to you guys as regularly as I can, keeping you updated on everything that is happening. When I start school, one of the first things I'm doing is setting up an appointment with the psychologists the school employs for student use. I'm also going to join the choir...singing is one of the few things that makes me feel normal again.

Just knowing you guys are here is a huge help.


J said...

Sorry, I did the math incorrectly. It was the night of July 29th that the incident occured. It's only been a little over two weeks.