Saturday, August 24, 2013


I feel really shitty and depressed right now, and I'm not sure if it's normal or not.

After my post about how it had been three months and I was really tired of this entire mess, I started to pull away from Kyle.  We still talked, but it had none of the warmth that had characterized our friendship up to this point.  Our light-hearted bantering was all but done, and the conversations were just about how miserable our lives had become.  Talking is supposed to help, but it really wasn't.

As time went on, I found myself confiding in him less and less.  The conversations became more shallow, about silly surface things...we were no longer the same people who became friends a year and half ago, and I was finding it harder and harder to find glimpses of my friend inside the stranger who was claiming his identity.

Last night made it so much worse, though.  We got into it a bit about something, which has happened at least once every couple weeks since this began.  Just the mention of her is enough to start a fight between the two of us.  Only this time, I was just sad.  There was no anger, no passion...just a deep sadness over the fact that a man I had once respected and counted as a best friend was allowing his personality to be completely erased by a woman he doesn't even truly love.  I told him this, we went back and forth over it for a while, got distracted briefly by the announcement of the special edition Zelda Wii U (at heart, all we've ever been is 20-something nerds), and then went back to going back and forth.  It wasn't an argument, though I got rather sarcastic and snappy at times.  I was just so sick of hearing "We'll see what happens".  If I never hear or see that phrase again, I will die a happy woman.

Anyway, he went to bed a bit early because he was heading back to the area today for a trip with his family.  Not long after he went to bed, Bryan got home from the double he pulled yesterday.  He was tired, so we chatted for a bit and then went to sleep ourselves.  But I couldn't sleep, so I kept my phone on me and read on my Kindle app.  I don't know why I chose a lighthearted romance novel, but I did...and it was the worst idea.

By midnight, I was done with my book, but I couldn't stop crying.  Everything that has happened and all the doubt I'm experiencing just wouldn't stop assaulting my brain, and I was exhausted with the effort of pretending I'm not a wreck all the time.  I sent a message to Trisha, praying she'd be awake and able to help me so I didn't have to resort to my absolute last-ditch plan: calling Kyle.  Unfortunately, though I waited until 12:30, no answer came.

At this point, I'd left our bedroom and I was sitting in a pile of blankets in a laundry basket in our upstairs laundry room.  Everyone in the house was fast asleep, even the pets, and the only sound was the sound of my crying as I tapped the call button on Kyle's contact card in my phone.

It rang once, and I stifled a sob.  I had no idea why I was doing this...we hadn't spoken on the phone in well over a month.
Another ring, and the nerves started up.  I don't know why I was nervous.  Probably because the man on the other end was basically a stranger to me by this point.
A third ring followed...then a fourth...then a fifth.

When his voicemail picked up, I knew what I realized I had suspected all along:  Kyle's phone would no longer ring after 11 PM when I called.

After the last time, he'd taken me off that special list to make Lora happy.

I was completely alone.

A few more minutes of crying later, and I decided I would just go in and cry myself to sleep.  I snuggled in next to my dogs and Bryan and fell asleep.

So far this morning, I haven't heard a peep from Kyle.  Not a "good morning", and definitely not the message I would've expected to get (which I know because of past actions), which would've been along the lines of "Why did you call me last night?  Are you okay?"  There has been nothing but silence from my phone all morning.

On my end, I'm just hurt that he would go so far as to remove me from that list.  I was the only person on it outside of Kyle's family starting from the day he got his phone, and I never abused the privilege.  He talked me through a few difficult nights this last year, when Bryan left repeatedly instead of staying to face the issues we were dealing with, but I left him alone after he went to bed for the most part.

Last night was no different from any of those other nights he'd helped me face, except the fact that I was left alone, with no one at all to talk to about the issues I don't seem equipped to handle.

I haven't said a word to him yet this morning either...and I don't think I'm going to, even if I do hear from him.  Hearing his voicemail last night solidified my belief that our friendship is over, and I don't think further discussion on either side is going to be able to do anything to save it or make the end any more final.

I am so done with trying to be there for someone who won't grant me the same courtesy.

I just wish it didn't hurt so damn much.


10 comments: said...

J, i think you are a great blogger and i hope you have a bit thicker skin than last time because i am an honest person and i can't sugarcoat things, it's just not my style (ps you can check out my blog if you have time).

I had another long comment on the last post and my internet went down and it ate it so not everything i say here is about this post.

I REALLY hope once you go back to school that you will make some new friends, start off light with them, not all this heavy stuff and that might help you as well. Leave the heavy stuff for the blog, you can blog any time. You don't always have to publish them (unless you want feedback). I have posts not published that are just too much for my blog.

Now here is where it gets tricky. Do not take anything out of context please. I had a best friend, she was the only person who knew everything about me or almost everything. More than my parents, more than my husband. 5 Months before my wedding that changed. While i cried for a couple days i didn't grieve the way you are and we were friends for 14 years.

You keep mentioning him being your best friend but at 1.5 years that is still a fairly new friendship. Honestly, to me, it sounds like you want a relationship with him.

You really need to stop making his relationship your business. I lost a friend once when i did that and it really sucked, my intentions were good but he did not see it that way. I am sure it is the same thing here. Sounds like kyle is just tired of being stuck in the middle and right now he wants to be with her and put her first and you are going to have to accept that.

For whatever reason he has chosen her and put you on the back burner. If that was me i would not trust the same again but as long as he is with her he does have to put her first. I am sure you don't like hearing that but imagine if your husband put his mom first and picked her over you all the time, it would hurt and suck big time.

Once a child gets married that family should come first. Same principle in this case.

As for your husband, i have never cared for him, i have always thought you could do better but honestly, the fact he touched you should have made you run. It doesn't matter if he had a mental illness. There are NO excuses to physically or sexually touch another human being in a negative way.

If excuses mattered that would be like saying it was ok that my molester just molested again because he was drunk and has undiagnosed mental illness after being sober for 20 years. My family is still around him and so i have nothing to do with the lot of them virtually. No excuses ever!!!!!!

I don't think you are thinking very clearly because you are so hurt. What do your friends and family think about all of this?

J said...


I do appreciate your honesty, but there are a few things you have confused here. First things first: Kyle doesn't actually want to be with Lora anymore. He's flat out told me so, he's told her so, and doesn't bother keeping up the charade when she is around anymore. She has indeed called him out on his behavior, and they argue, but she won't leave him. Lora is one of those women who can't move on from one relationship until she has someone else waiting in the wings. I wish I'd seen that before I made Kyle her "someone else", but I digress. Until she finds someone else (and I know through mutual friends that she is indeed looking), she won't leave. Unfortunately, Kyle doesn't have a pair and won't dump her himself...he claims it's so he doesn't hurt her, but I know the real reason. He's a wuss.

You also have to realize that everyone grieves differently. It is different for every single person on the planet. When I lost Tess, who I had been friends with for 11 years, I grieved openly for about a month. To this day, almost two years later, I still tear up if a particularly happy memory crosses my mind. I still miss her. I'm not being touchy, I'm just going to ask...does that indicate that I'd like a relationship with her too? You'll just have to trust me when I say that I want nothing romantic with Kyle. The man is my carbon copy...we talked about it once, jokingly, and agreed that we would be the world's worst couple. We like all the same things, hate all the same things, we're both scientists, and we're both a bit high strung. We make the joke all the time that if we weren't four years apart (he's 28), we would be twins separated at birth.

That kind of leads to my point...I've never had a friend as devoted to a friendship as Kyle used to be to ours before this changed him. It's never been even slightly romantic. In fact, it used to carry the same easy familiarity as my friendship with Andy, and I've known him since 1st grade. If you've never had the experience of meeting someone and feeling like you've known them your entire life, I'm's really something everyone should experience at least once.

Here is an article that explains a lot of what I'm feeling right now. This is how I grieve.

As for Bryan, it isn't a mental illness. It was a severe physical severe, in fact, that the doctors were shocked he was alive when he was brought into the hospital. He doesn't remember details about anything that happened that night. He remembers falling asleep on the bathroom floor and waking up in the hospital. All that happened between those two points was wiped out with some hyperactive brain activity.

Right now, my priority is getting therapy and making sure Bryan is healthy. He has gotten much better, health-wise, and is willingly attending AA meetings. Are we on stable footing? You better believe we're not. Some nights, I can barely speak to him, much less look at him. There have been a few nights where we sit for hours in silence because I can't force myself to speak to him.

However, I recognize that I'm in a fragile emotional state and I refuse to make a decision about our marriage while I'm like this. I don't want to do something I will end up regretting, especially since his doctors were absolutely adamant that he was not in control the night this happened.

I also felt that way about my friendship with Kyle, that I didn't want to make any serious decisions in an altered state, but I have decided that my life may be healthier right now without him around. Even though it's my decision and I am standing by it, I am still entitled to mourn the loss of a very good friendship.

J said...

J, that clears up a lot and i am sooooo glad you took what i said in context. I REALLY appreciate the thought out response i have gotten.

You may be going through a lot right now but it seems you have grown up quite a bit(me as well lol). It will be interesting once you are in a better place to get to know you again.

Sorry i guess i assumed it was a mental illness. Unfortunately when one doesn't quite know the facts we assume based on info we do know. I know you were not/are not in the place where you want to divulge that(and that is ok) but i appreciate you explaining a little.

I still hold high hopes that you going back to school will open up big doors for you.

Since you had to quit your job are you able to get money somehow?? I hope you guys are doing ok.

As for kyle & lola it makes no sense that if he doesn't want to be with her whatsoever that he would push you aside. To me that is weird but i guess it is what it is.

Good luck Chicky!!!

Pst, how old are you right now??

J said...


I promise I will fully elaborate on Bryan's illness, but you're right...I'm just not in the right place to be writing about it without making things worse.

Luckily, Bryan is an EMT on salary at the ambulance company he works for. It's one of the highest paying places in the area, and he's making more than his own boss right now. We're on stable footing money-wise.

And as for Kyle...I love my friend dearly, but he is the kind of man who kind of waits around for things to happen to him. Once Lora started talking to him, he was more than able to cultivate a relationship, but if I'd given him her number instead of vice versa, she never would've heard from him. (Maybe I should've done it that way. Hahah!) Anyway, it isn't so much that he's pushing me aside, it's that he's trying to keep himself out of trouble and it ends up hurting my feelings. I'm overly sensitive, and Kyle is a severe introvert (and a bit socially awkward), and one of us usually ends up hurt by whatever is happening. This time, it was me. We'll see if we can weather through this...he texted me today, apologized, and he says he doesn't want to lose me as a friend. However, as you pointed out, trusting him isn't going to come easy anymore.

Right now, I'm 24. My 25th birthday is November 4th.

J said...

Ok i feel old, i will be 34 in 2 weeks lol.

Here our basic health care is paid for (except ems services & prescriptions)so it sounds weird when you say ambulance company as ours are government run and all under 1 company lol. Though i guess there are different station houses.

I don't have time to go back to read the posts but i believe you have told kyle how you feel and either way if he was that good of a friend who did not want to be with her then he still would not compromise the friendship for someone who was going.

I get what you are saying about his personality and not wanting to rock the boat but if he had his priorities straight i imagine it would be a non issue.

Can't wait to find out how you are doing in the next couple weeks, as i hope you will heal some.

Anonymous said...

How are you? I hope everything is turning for the better:)

~J said...

Umm.. you still alive up there? It's been awhile since you updated us.. please come baaaaaack!! :)

mum said...

OK, gal. It's been over a month. What's going on? mum

mum said...

Missing you J. I thought your post meant you were done with Kyle, not that you were done with us. Hoping you check in, soon. Happy early birthday! mum

J said...

I am so so so so so so sorry about this, guys! I don't know if I was forgetting to click the publish button or if there was a spaz by the site itself, but I promise there were posts. Not frequent, with school and everything, but I did explain a bit more about Bryan's illness, about the ongoing battle with Kyle, and about school in general. Please trust that I would never leave you guys behind again!

If you see either my most recent post or this comment, PLEASE comment on them! That way, I know it's working and I can start updating and posting the older, unpublished posts.