I feel really shitty and depressed right now, and I'm not sure if it's normal or not.
After my post about how it had been three months and I was really tired of this entire mess, I started to pull away from Kyle. We still talked, but it had none of the warmth that had characterized our friendship up to this point. Our light-hearted bantering was all but done, and the conversations were just about how miserable our lives had become. Talking is supposed to help, but it really wasn't.
As time went on, I found myself confiding in him less and less. The conversations became more shallow, about silly surface things...we were no longer the same people who became friends a year and half ago, and I was finding it harder and harder to find glimpses of my friend inside the stranger who was claiming his identity.
Last night made it so much worse, though. We got into it a bit about something, which has happened at least once every couple weeks since this began. Just the mention of her is enough to start a fight between the two of us. Only this time, I was just sad. There was no anger, no passion...just a deep sadness over the fact that a man I had once respected and counted as a best friend was allowing his personality to be completely erased by a woman he doesn't even truly love. I told him this, we went back and forth over it for a while, got distracted briefly by the announcement of the special edition Zelda Wii U (at heart, all we've ever been is 20-something nerds), and then went back to going back and forth. It wasn't an argument, though I got rather sarcastic and snappy at times. I was just so sick of hearing "We'll see what happens". If I never hear or see that phrase again, I will die a happy woman.
Anyway, he went to bed a bit early because he was heading back to the area today for a trip with his family. Not long after he went to bed, Bryan got home from the double he pulled yesterday. He was tired, so we chatted for a bit and then went to sleep ourselves. But I couldn't sleep, so I kept my phone on me and read on my Kindle app. I don't know why I chose a lighthearted romance novel, but I did...and it was the worst idea.
By midnight, I was done with my book, but I couldn't stop crying. Everything that has happened and all the doubt I'm experiencing just wouldn't stop assaulting my brain, and I was exhausted with the effort of pretending I'm not a wreck all the time. I sent a message to Trisha, praying she'd be awake and able to help me so I didn't have to resort to my absolute last-ditch plan: calling Kyle. Unfortunately, though I waited until 12:30, no answer came.
At this point, I'd left our bedroom and I was sitting in a pile of blankets in a laundry basket in our upstairs laundry room. Everyone in the house was fast asleep, even the pets, and the only sound was the sound of my crying as I tapped the call button on Kyle's contact card in my phone.
It rang once, and I stifled a sob. I had no idea why I was doing this...we hadn't spoken on the phone in well over a month.
Another ring, and the nerves started up. I don't know why I was nervous. Probably because the man on the other end was basically a stranger to me by this point.
A third ring followed...then a fourth...then a fifth.
When his voicemail picked up, I knew what I realized I had suspected all along: Kyle's phone would no longer ring after 11 PM when I called.
After the last time, he'd taken me off that special list to make Lora happy.
I was completely alone.
A few more minutes of crying later, and I decided I would just go in and cry myself to sleep. I snuggled in next to my dogs and Bryan and fell asleep.
So far this morning, I haven't heard a peep from Kyle. Not a "good morning", and definitely not the message I would've expected to get (which I know because of past actions), which would've been along the lines of "Why did you call me last night? Are you okay?" There has been nothing but silence from my phone all morning.
On my end, I'm just hurt that he would go so far as to remove me from that list. I was the only person on it outside of Kyle's family starting from the day he got his phone, and I never abused the privilege. He talked me through a few difficult nights this last year, when Bryan left repeatedly instead of staying to face the issues we were dealing with, but I left him alone after he went to bed for the most part.
Last night was no different from any of those other nights he'd helped me face, except the fact that I was left alone, with no one at all to talk to about the issues I don't seem equipped to handle.
I haven't said a word to him yet this morning either...and I don't think I'm going to, even if I do hear from him. Hearing his voicemail last night solidified my belief that our friendship is over, and I don't think further discussion on either side is going to be able to do anything to save it or make the end any more final.
I am so done with trying to be there for someone who won't grant me the same courtesy.
I just wish it didn't hurt so damn much.