Thursday, November 28, 2013

Trisha and I

There isn't much buildup to this post, so I'm just going to come out and say it:  Trisha is cheating on her fiance.

I know it's hypocritical to be angry at her, given what I did to Bryan within the first year of our marriage, but you would think she'd learn from my terrible mistakes.  It's worse with what she's doing because she is a mother.  She gave birth to their first child, Evelyn, just a few months ago.  That means she is leaving her daughter with her sister to go sleep around with this guy.

The guy is a friend of hers she's been hanging out with for a while.  I keep urging her to break this off for the sake of her daughter, if nothing else, but she's caught feelings and feels stuck.  I know I'm supposed to be helping her, since I'm one of the few people she confided in (the only other being her friend Amanda, who is her alibi), but I can't stop being angry.

At first, I was really good at hiding my anger about the situation, but it's getting to the point where I can't hide my annoyance with the situation anymore.  What I did was wrong and I absolutely won't deny that, but what she's doing is somehow worse to me because there's a baby involved.

Her fiance isn't perfect, but he works his butt off to take care of the two of them.  I think all the effort she's putting into sneaking around and falling for some jerk that she admits is not marriage material should be put into fixing her relationship.  If Aaron finds out, it's over and she knows that.

Like I said, I was hoping she would take my advice as someone who has been there before...but she pretends she's going to take it, and then does the opposite of what I tell her.  I'm wasting my breath.


Thursday, November 21, 2013

Crunch Time!!

Hey, guys!

I just wanted to quick touch base and let you know what's going on.  The end of the semester is suddenly upon me, even though I swear it just started.  I've had a ton of work dumped in my lap, my to-do list is a mile long, and hell week is about to start.

Hell week is the choir term for the week before the concert, where we practice twice a night for four days.  That's the 2nd-5th...the 6th is the last day of classes, plus we're singing at the King's tree lighting that afternoon, the local courthouse tree lighting after the King's tree lighting, and then coming back for our concert that evening.  We have a second performance that Saturday, the 7th.  That week (2nd-6th) is the last week of classes, and I'll have my fourth chemistry exam of the semester that Wednesday.  All I have time to do is study and do homework and sing and study some more.

Please bear with me for the next few weeks!  I'll try to post about Trisha and some other stuff going on when I can, but I don't know when that will be.

Thanks for understanding!

Thursday, November 14, 2013

About J!

I know most of you readers (the lurkers and the commentors both!) have been around for a long time.  However, this random facts thing is sweeping Facebook right now, and I thought it was interesting.  The number I was given was 11, but I'm going to post 15 random facts about myself here so you guys can get to know me a bit better!

1. I am a biology major minoring in molecular biology and chemistry with the intention of becoming a microbiologist.  People think it's weird, but I get super excited about bacteria and viruses.  However, I hate being sick.

2. I, like my mom, am hyperosmic. We have a highly developed sense of smell that goes beyond the's genetic, and it leads us to interact with our world via smell, whether that smell is good or bad. It also affects our my case, if chocolate is made with dry milk, I can tell the difference and can't eat it. I hate dry milk.

3. It took me until 2012 to consciously accept what I knew three years prior. A stray Facebook post from 2009 revealed to me that I wanted to be a microbiologist way back then. I don't know why I didn't listen to my younger self.

4. I am a Seattle Seahawks fan. By this, I mean a red-faced, screaming at the TV, using words that would make sailors blush kind of fan. One day, that team will give me a heart attack.

5. I am absolutely, 100% terrified of spiders, but I would have zero issues snuggling up to a snake...too bad my corn snake isn't much of a snuggler.

6. I honestly believe that music is as essential to life as breathing, and that if I could not play my trumpet or sing or even hum, my brain would wither up and die.

7. I like to write. I write poems and stories that no one will ever see, just because it helps me get things out.

8. I am an obsessor...when I love something, I love it with my entire being. My current list of obsessions: Volbeat, Mumford and Sons, a Gund teddy bear known as Snuffles, the color teal, chocolate, bacon, bacteria/viruses, dinosaurs, houndstooth, Zelda, and Chapstick. These are the ones that have been hanging around for a while...they are liable to change at any given moment.

9. At least one of the belt loops on every pair of jeans I own is torn because of my terrible habit of pulling my jeans up using the loops.

10. I am the kind of person who is obsessed with being early. I hate being late so much that I would rather miss a class than walk in late. The only time I don't have this issue is choir. (See number 6.)

11. I turned 25 on November 4th, but I don't feel that old and hopefully never will. I enjoy my childish glee over the things I love. I collect teddy bears and stuffed microbes, I clap rapidly and squeal in high pitched tones when I'm excited, and I still think the word "poo" is hilarious. If those things are weird, I'm happy that I'm not normal.

12.  In May of 2013, I was selected to meet Volbeat (a Danish metal band who is my absolute favorite!) at a meet and greet before their local concert.  I prepared like crazy because I have a giant crush on the bassist, Anders Kjølholm.  My outfit and makeup were absolutely perfect...and when it came time to meet him, I babbled, made a giant idiot out of myself, and then blurted out that I'm in love with him.  It was SO awkward and Bryan and Kyle still make fun of me for it.

13.  My guilty pleasure song is "Build Me Up Buttercup" by the Temptations.  I can't possibly be sad when I'm listening to it, no matter how corny it is.  On the opposite side, the song I always listen to when I'm sad to indulge my sadness is "Ghosts That We Knew" by Mumford and Sons.

14.  I am a gourmet cupcake queen.  For the choir welcome party, I made banana pudding cupcakes: french vanilla cupcakes with a Nilla wafer on the bottom, a core of banana pudding, and vanilla whipped cream frosting topped with a mini Nilla wafer.  For our director's birthday a couple weeks ago, it was pumpkin cheesecake cupcakes: spice cake cupcakes with a core of pumpkin spice cream cheese, cream cheese frosting, and graham cracker crumbs sprinkled on top.  Every time I bake for them, they are devoured and the members beg me to open a bakery.  They don't realize that it's only for fun and if I had to do it as a career, I'd probably end up hating it.

15.  My gallbladder attacks began because of my stress.  They increased in frequency because of my stress.  The final one that led to my surgery was caused by stress and malnutrition, because I was eating less due to being so busy.  I literally caused the destruction of one of my own organs because I'm incapable of relaxation.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013


This post is going to be both about a situation that just happened and about putting my friendship with Kyle into a slightly more positive context, because I realized that I don't really do that and it's a bit unfair to him.  He's a better friend than I make him out to be when I'm mad.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Yesterday, my history professor came onto me.

It was as creepy (to me) as it seems.  He's a very nice man, not very old...maybe mid-30s.  He's also rather attractive, in a rugged way.  Last Thursday, the lecture was on the topic we'd written essays on for that class (our weekly assignment is a 2 page paper), and since I'd already spent two days writing about the topic, my mind started to drift.  I noticed that my professor has incredibly gorgeous green eyes, and before I knew it, I was staring.  Unfortunately, he noticed...probably not difficult because I sit in the front row closest to the computer he runs his PowerPoint presentations from.  He let me know he'd caught me, and the shade of red I turned obviously let him know I found him good looking.

So yesterday, I was the first one in the classroom, about fifteen minutes before class started.  I was reading "The Jungle" on my Kindle app, and he rolled his chair over to the front of my desk to see what I was reading.  This was weird enough, because it's not like him at all...but it got WAY weirder when he put his hand on my leg under the desk.  I barely had time to register what happened, and no time to react.  Someone else walked in and my teacher rolled away calmly like nothing had happened.  I noticed him watching me a lot more during the lecture, but I tried to ignore it.

This isn't exactly uncommon here at King's.  My organic chemistry teacher is married to a philosophy student...and by that, I mean a current student.  My choir director started dating his wife when she was a student here.  It's just bound to happen that some people will meet their future spouses here...and that sometimes it will be a teacher/student.  (To clarify, neither of those men ever taught or had any power over the grades of either of their SOs.)  However, my history teacher knows I'm married.  The entire thing was really creepy to me.

So anyway, it was bothering me pretty badly yesterday...and Trisha, busy with the mess she created, was unavailable for me to talk to.  I had no choice but to turn to Kyle...and today, he showed the side of himself you guys don't often see because your entire point of view comes from me and it's always when I'm upset.  I'm not always fair to him.  He was angry and a little protective, like a big brother would be...but also incredibly logical about the whole thing.  We both knew confronting my teacher would not get me anywhere, since I'm a student and he's a respected faculty member.  Withdrawing would only negatively affect my GPA, since I have a perfect grade in his class.  It would also either delay my graduation or overload one of my future semesters, and I'm already nearing the overload limit for courses.

At first, I kept the details from Kyle and told him the absolute barest information...that my teacher had touched me in a mildly inappropriate way, it made me uncomfortable, and his intent was clear.  Kyle told me not to confront him, but to keep our relationship completely teacher/student until the semester ended.  After he'd assuaged my anxiety with his calm and logical demeanor, I offhandedly mentioned what had happened and how if I avoided being the first one in the classroom, it wouldn't happen again.  Kyle's demeanor changed here.  Even through text, I could see how the facts had bothered him.  This was the conversation that occurred:

Me:  It won't be able to happen again if I'm not alone in the classroom with him.  I was reading on my phone and it was really odd when he rolled over to see what I was reading.  It got straight-up weird when he put his hand on my leg under my desk.  He pulled away when someone else walked in, I just have to avoid being the first one to class.
Kyle:  That's not exactly innocent.
Me:  I never said it was innocent...I said it wasn't completely inappropriate.
Kyle:  Pretty close...
Me:  What did you think I meant when I said that, then?
Kyle:  I don't know
Kyle:  I thought maybe he'd touched your shoulder or something, I don't know.
Me:  I wouldn't be making a big deal out of it if it was something like that, know me better than that.
Kyle:  I know
Me:  But you think it'll go away still, right?  (My English reverts to bad English when I start to get upset, and his being upset was causing the uprising of panic.)
Kyle:  Yea
Kyle:  If it doesn't, maybe have a quiet word with him about it

I know you guys don't know him, so I'll "translate" (so to speak) for you.  If I know someone really well, I can tell their tone through text...I can do this with Bryan, my mom, Trisha, and Kyle.  His response about it not being innocent was very sharp.  It was the onset of his protective instinct.  I realized how protective he'd gotten a few minutes later when he said it was "pretty close" to inappropriate.  He never leaves a hanging ellipsis unless he is really angry or sad about something.  Repeating himself is something he does when he's bothered about something as well.

It's probably a small thing, honestly, to be protective over someone you care about.  But consider Kyle a Vulcan...emotion isn't his thing.  He's a completely logical human being.  In that way, our friendship has balance...I'm too emotional by half, as you guys are well aware.

Anyway, I just needed to get all of this off my chest, because it really did bother me.  I decided that I won't go to anyone about it unless it happens again, and that I won't be dropping the class.  I will just make sure never to be alone with my professor for any reason.  I also wanted to give you guys a glimpse of the kind of friend Kyle used to be.  His behavior has definitely changed because of her, but I still see his actual personality shining through occasionally.  It gives me a faint bit of cautious hope.


Saturday, November 9, 2013

Kyle and I

I know this was the post most of you were probably waiting for, so here goes.  I'm going to try to make it as short and sweet as possible, though...I don't want to drag through every little thing that has happened between us, so I'll gloss over it.

We're still friends, but it's a bit weird.  We decided the best course of action (between the two of us) was to pretend she didn't exist when he wasn't around her, and just not talk when he was.  It was basically what we were already up to, but we had to work harder to actually make it work.  Every time she was coming to visit, he got miserable and it started a fight between the two of us.  I was so tired of the fighting every time, and it was only getting worse.  His attitude was seriously starting to wear on me.

So five weeks ago, we got into a little tiff.  She was coming up to visit for a weekend, and it was the Friday morning before.  He was being a jerk, and I called him on it.  When he denied being miserable about her upcoming visit, I pointed out how much more talkative and easygoing he had been even during our argument the night before.  Faced with evidence he couldn't deny, he turned the discussion on me and how miserable I had been under all the stress I was facing.  Incensed at his transparent attempt to turn the argument onto me, I flipped out.  I'm not proud of it, but as I'd stated, I was under a lot of stress.  We argued all day, until he finally broke.  I told him that if he truly cared about her the way he said he did, he would leave her and let her find someone who would be truly happy with her.  He completely took the wind out of my sails by admitting that the thought had crossed his mind quite frequently in the preceding several weeks.

I wasn't angry anymore.  I was confused, because my anger had evaporated before I could come to terms with it going away, but I wasn't angry.  We discussed it a little bit, and he admitted that he was living in fear of her constant mood swings, he didn't want to be with her anymore, and that she should be free to be with someone who wasn't.  I pointed out that it wasn't possible because she's bipolar, and he acknowledged that I was probably right.  From there, we discussed how he should tell her the truth, and then changed the topic.  I just didn't have it in me to fight after he said that.

Unfortunately, we ended up having another fight three weeks ago, and this one almost ended our friendship.  I had been given a tiny bit of hope that he'd talk to her about his true feelings, rather than remaining trapped.  When that visit and another had passed with no word between them about the situation, I lost hope.  When another visit was looming and he turned into a jerk again, I snapped on him.  We fought all of Friday about how he didn't have the guts to leave her, and then I spent the weekend trying to decide whether or not I wanted to stop talking to him.  On Saturday, I'd all but made up my mind to tell him to go to hell...I sat down to send the e-mail, and I got a text from my mom.  She was asking me to go put wood on her fire because she was out.  By the time I returned, I'd lost my resolve and instead sat down to cry.

I love my friends dearly and it was killing me that someone I respected was putting himself through hell for someone he admitted he didn't even want to be with anymore.  I didn't know how much longer I could keep doing this.

Monday rolled around, and I told him the truth.  I told him how close I was to kicking him out of my life forever, which upset him more than I thought.  Kyle isn't really the type to show feelings, so sometimes it's hard to know if he really cares.  When he got upset, I realized that our friendship (which is the only steady one in his life) meant as much to him as it did to me.  It was a hard realization, because I wasn't sure if I wanted it to continue.

I laid it all out for him, being entirely honest about my ambivalence about our friendship and we talked all day about it.  The next day, I told him that I didn't want to make any decisions while I was so stressed out about school.  We agreed to continue talking as calmly as possible and let things play out in my mind.

I still don't know what I want to do.  No fights have happened since this, and our friendship actually seems okay...but we'll see.  Some days, I don't want to talk to him at all, and others, everything is okay.  I still don't know if we'll be friends tomorrow, much less in the future.  But honestly, I am content with the status quo for right now.  He's started confiding in me again, so I know he's not happy with her.  It's only a matter of time before they break up...and time will also tell if I'm there for him when it happens.

I'm sorry that this was a really long post to basically say that nothing has changed, but I figured you guys would be interested in his changing attitude toward his relationship.

All my love!

Thursday, November 7, 2013


So, as you guys know, I transferred to King's College from Bloomsburg University and started KC in August.  It has been an absolutely ridiculous ride since then.

First of all, I instantly felt a connection with this school, the atmosphere, and the people that I never got from BU.  Sure, I made friends at Bloom...but it is so much different here.  After studying for a year at Bloom, I don't have any BU apparel.  I've been at King's less than a semester and I've already got two King's shirts and a pair of plaid King's sleep pants.

The second week of the semester, I tried out for the choir.  Despite having a terrible allergy attack the day of my audition and being certain I bombed it (so sure, in fact, that Bryan and I went out for ice cream to cheer me up), I was accepted as a new member!  I'm an alto 2, and the choir members are lovely people.  It's a Catholic school, so we do a lot of religious music, but I've learned to appreciate it even though I am not a religious person.  The music is still beautiful, and the modern music we do is so much fun!  This semester, we're singing "Shake It Out" by Florence and the Machine, "Build Me Up Buttercup" by the Temptations, and "Some Nights" by fun.

I also joined bio club, though nothing has really happened with that yet.  We've had a few meetings, but they're like five minutes long and don't really have much of anything in the way of content.  We haven't tried any fundraisers for charity or anything like that.  It's a bit of a disappointment.

Anyway, King's gave me quite a bit of money to attend their school, because my SAT scores and high school grades were so high.  My scholarships equal roughly $12-13K a year, which sounds like a lot until you realize tuition is $30K a year.  Luckily, I have grants and other scholarships to fill in the rest, so that is really helpful.  The stressful part is that I have to keep my grades above a certain GPA to keep the scholarships from the school, so it really puts the pressure on.  So far, I've been very successful in juggling my classes.  I've found organic chem to be the most difficult (despite Kyle's assurances that I would love it), and history to be the easiest.  My grades are actually improving as the semester goes on...for example, I got an 89 on my first bio exam, a 96 on the second exam, and a 101 on the third exam.  The last two were the highest grades in the class!  Organic chem follows the same pattern, only lower...a 69 on the first exam, an 86 on the second exam, and a 91.5 (which I am VERY proud of!) on the third exam.  I bombed my second stats exam because I was really sick that day, but my grades on the quizzes managed to bolster it enough that if I pass the upcoming exam with better than a 90, I can still get an A in the class.  And my history teacher only gives two exams a semester...a midterm and a final.  On the midterm, I was the only one in the class to get a perfect score.  I then disappointed him by telling him that while I do adore history, I'm not going to be majoring in it!

I'm still majoring in biology, but double minoring in molecular biology and chemistry.  I know the second one sounds like insanity, since I hate organic chem so much, but it really makes perfect sense.  To major in biology, I have to take organic 1 and 2 and biochemistry.  To minor in molecular biology, one of the electives I'll be taking is biochem 2.  For a minor in chemistry, the course track is o-chem 1 and 2, biochem 1 and 2, and analytical chemistry.  I have to take the first four anyway, and the fifth class happens to be Kyle's chosen field, so I'll have lots of help.  It would honestly be silly not to add the minor!

Anyway, Bryan went on salary at work just before the semester started, so I was able to leave my crappy job (I made less than $100 a week) and focus exclusively on school.  It is definitely paying off, though sometimes I feel bad when money is a little bit tight.  We are getting by, though.  Next semester, I'll probably add a campus job to my packed schedule, just to bring in a little bit of extra cash without having to do any extra driving.  Right now, though, school is my only job...and it's more than full time.  I'm very, very busy...and that's on a slow week.

It's all paying off, though...I had a 3.3 on my midterm grade report, and two of my class grades have gone up since then, bringing me to a 3.7.  If I can keep organic chem increasing, I can easily hit a 3.8-3.9 by the end of the semester!

Wish me luck!

Monday, November 4, 2013

Bryan and I

Well, I promised you guys four posts going over the big issues, so here is number one: the relationship between Bryan and I.

The illness that led to "the incident" (this is what we call it) was very, very serious.  Bryan had been skipping breakfast and lunch to save us money on our groceries and overall, since the EMTs he works with usually eat out for lunch.  It was working, but his health was badly failing.  He was tired all the time, his muscles hurt, and he was grumpy.  When I noticed a horseshoe shaped bruise on his lower back, I brought it up to him.  He hadn't noticed it because it didn't hurt.

A month later, that bruise was still there.  It hadn't faded or changed at was a deep red, like a blood blister, and roughly the size of my closed fist.  As long as it didn't hurt him, he was content to ignore it.  It bothered me like crazy, though.

The night he attacked me is not something I'm going to go over in great detail.  You guys know I was hurt, that Trisha was there for me, that Kyle wasn't, and that my attempts to find his support got him in hot water with Lora (who from this point forth will be referred to as "She Who Must Not Be Named" because her name still makes me irrationally upset).

I had made dinner that night, a nice steak and shrimp meal.  When he came home from his 12 hour shift, I poured him a glass of Captain Morgan Private Stock.  When the alcohol I'd poured him, which was slightly under 3 shots, hit him so badly that he was talking about seeing two of me, I teased him.  I thought he was messing with me and flat out told him that there was no way the alcohol could've hit him like that.  He disappeared into the bathroom, where I found him passed out on the floor a few hours later.  I tried to get him up, since he was laying in his own vomit, and I was growing pretty concerned.  When he snapped and attacked me, I knew something was seriously wrong.

I fought back...don't think I didn't.  I punched him so hard that I actually broke the middle finger on my right hand.  He felt that one for a week.  When the cops came and the ambulance took him to the hospital, I stayed home crying for another hour before following.  I got there and the nurse wouldn't let me in at first.  I was so afraid they'd look at me like I was another stupid victim, following her abuser like a blind puppy, but I'd done some research while I was at home and I thought I knew what was wrong.

When I was finally able to talk to the doctor and explain my concerns, it took a little bit of convincing before she ordered the appropriate tests.  They returned with results that startled the doctors, but my research was right on the money.  Bryan's starvation diet to save us money had left him severely deficient in potassium, magnesium, and sodium.  The bruise on his back wasn't a was a mark where his body was literally dissolving the muscle fibers to pull nutrients out of them.  The alcohol sensitivity was a sign that something was wrong, and the violent attack was a serious mood swing...brain scans during that time indicated that his brain activity was in "black out" mode.  He had no idea what he had done.  The doctor asked how much he had had to drink, but I dismissed that...having poured the alcohol myself (and emptied the bottle), I knew that he only had about 3 shots of it.  I've seen him drink 10 shots of the stuff without a problem.

I remember sitting beside him as he came to, not hiding the wounds.  He'd punched me in the face, which was badly swollen.  There was blood crusted on my lip, and I was cut up and shaking.  He asked what he had done to me, which I told him in graphic detail.  Later, the doctors informed me that he wouldn't remember that either.  He didn't regain awareness until an hour before we left the hospital, around 4 AM.

It has been a struggle to cope with the events of that night, but we are doing our best.  He eats regularly, quit drinking, and the "bruise" on his back disappeared within two weeks of starting his new diet.  He works out to rebuild the muscle mass he lost.  The doctors said his levels were so low that it's a miracle he didn't come in suffering from massive organ failure.  As for me, the fear faded away about a month after it happened...the nightmares stopped about a month after that.  For a few weeks afterward, it was hard to look at him and I sometimes had to force myself to talk to him.

I know a lot of people would've run the other way as soon as they could've, but I know he wasn't in control of what he did that night.  I had to see him get healthy, and so I told myself I'd make a decision once he was healthy.  Once he regained his health, there was no decision to be made.  My husband isn't perfect, but he tries so hard for me and I love him.  I also haven't exactly been a perfect wife, as you yourselves know.

Every day for us is better and better.  He is my biggest cheerleader as I navigate school (next post!) and he is working 50-70 hour weeks so I can stay home and focus exclusively on schoolwork.  I look forward to going home to him every night, and I miss him when he's not around.  We do still have fights, but he has never raised a hand to even gesture in my direction during any of them.  The fighting is growing a lot less frequent, as well.  Things are definitely looking up.

Anyway, it's almost time for choir practice, so I'll close by saying I'm so glad I'm visible again!  Keep an eye out for the post about school...I just can't promise when it'll be.  I have a chemistry lab report to write.

All my love!

Sunday, November 3, 2013

O. M. G!!

Hi, guys!

Sorry about the WAY long delay...apparently, Blogger hasn't been posting any of my recent posts.  They're all in my "drafts" area.  I think this website hates me.

Here's hoping this one goes wasn't until I checked my e-mail and saw the comments that I realized something was amiss.  I checked with Blogger and they said I should be able to post, so let's try again.  I definitely am not done with you guys!  I will go through the previous (intended) posts, cull the pertinent information and post something much longer for you guys shortly!

See, now I'm much good and bad stuff has happened that you guys were supposed to be sharing in.  I wondered why I hadn't been getting comments about my grades and stuff like that.

Anyway, I have a performance in about twenty minutes, so here's a short rundown.

Bryan and I are doing great!!

Kyle and I are still friends, but it's been rough and there's a LOT of uncertainty about things right now.  That's a bit of a long tale there.  When I say uncertainty, I mean I don't know if we'll be friends tomorrow, much less in the future.

Trisha and I are good, but she's doing something I don't necessarily approve of (having been down that road) and I'm unhappy with her.

My grades are excellent (reported as a 3.7 on my midterm grade report) and I made it into the choir!!!!!!  We are performing our first real concert of the year at 3 PM today!

Please comment on this if you see it so I can make sure I got this issue fixed!

Love you all!