Today has been a very rough day for me. I'm having some low self-esteem issues on top of dealing with my recovery efforts. Because I have the day off work, I chose to spend it relaxing and thinking about how this entire situation has changed me.
One of the biggest changes I've noticed is that I withdraw more than I used to. I know it's unhealthy, but I simply don't have the strength to deal with stress in my day to day life lately. I've found that it's so much easier to detach from a situation if it's distressing to me. The whole world fades away and it's just me and my thoughts, which are most often negative. Unfortunately, this usually leads to bad things. I've found that I have developed a bad habit of looking without seeing, if that makes sense. Basically, I observe the world around me without taking in a single detail.
I was thinking about that today as I was walking through the expanse of grass between my apartment and the mailbox. I go barefoot as much as I can, and this walk was no exception. I kept my eyes on the ground the entire time, trying my hardest to avoid any dangerous steps. The yard slopes down and is full of rocks and all kinds of other things, but those weren't really my biggest worry. I was concerned about a type of thistle that grows in PA during the summer. It's large and flat and hides in grass, waiting to snag a bare foot with long, insidious spikes.
It was as I was walking through the grass that I realized I wasn't actually absorbing any of the details I was passing. I live in a beautiful area, surrounded by trees and wild berries and gorgeous wildflowers and I wasn't actually seeing any of it as I walked. I was watching the ground pass beneath my feet, but took in absolutely no details. Even if I had passed a thistle, I realized that I never would've noticed.
It made me think about how much I must be missing while I'm dwelling on the past. Summer is a beautiful season in Pennsylvania, and I'm surrounded by family, friends, and even coworkers who adore me. I should be living my life to the absolute fullest, not focusing on a past I can't change.
Lost in my reverie, I didn't notice the thistle in front of me until I planted my bare foot on top of it.