Saturday, November 9, 2013

Kyle and I

I know this was the post most of you were probably waiting for, so here goes.  I'm going to try to make it as short and sweet as possible, though...I don't want to drag through every little thing that has happened between us, so I'll gloss over it.

We're still friends, but it's a bit weird.  We decided the best course of action (between the two of us) was to pretend she didn't exist when he wasn't around her, and just not talk when he was.  It was basically what we were already up to, but we had to work harder to actually make it work.  Every time she was coming to visit, he got miserable and it started a fight between the two of us.  I was so tired of the fighting every time, and it was only getting worse.  His attitude was seriously starting to wear on me.

So five weeks ago, we got into a little tiff.  She was coming up to visit for a weekend, and it was the Friday morning before.  He was being a jerk, and I called him on it.  When he denied being miserable about her upcoming visit, I pointed out how much more talkative and easygoing he had been even during our argument the night before.  Faced with evidence he couldn't deny, he turned the discussion on me and how miserable I had been under all the stress I was facing.  Incensed at his transparent attempt to turn the argument onto me, I flipped out.  I'm not proud of it, but as I'd stated, I was under a lot of stress.  We argued all day, until he finally broke.  I told him that if he truly cared about her the way he said he did, he would leave her and let her find someone who would be truly happy with her.  He completely took the wind out of my sails by admitting that the thought had crossed his mind quite frequently in the preceding several weeks.

I wasn't angry anymore.  I was confused, because my anger had evaporated before I could come to terms with it going away, but I wasn't angry.  We discussed it a little bit, and he admitted that he was living in fear of her constant mood swings, he didn't want to be with her anymore, and that she should be free to be with someone who wasn't.  I pointed out that it wasn't possible because she's bipolar, and he acknowledged that I was probably right.  From there, we discussed how he should tell her the truth, and then changed the topic.  I just didn't have it in me to fight after he said that.

Unfortunately, we ended up having another fight three weeks ago, and this one almost ended our friendship.  I had been given a tiny bit of hope that he'd talk to her about his true feelings, rather than remaining trapped.  When that visit and another had passed with no word between them about the situation, I lost hope.  When another visit was looming and he turned into a jerk again, I snapped on him.  We fought all of Friday about how he didn't have the guts to leave her, and then I spent the weekend trying to decide whether or not I wanted to stop talking to him.  On Saturday, I'd all but made up my mind to tell him to go to hell...I sat down to send the e-mail, and I got a text from my mom.  She was asking me to go put wood on her fire because she was out.  By the time I returned, I'd lost my resolve and instead sat down to cry.

I love my friends dearly and it was killing me that someone I respected was putting himself through hell for someone he admitted he didn't even want to be with anymore.  I didn't know how much longer I could keep doing this.

Monday rolled around, and I told him the truth.  I told him how close I was to kicking him out of my life forever, which upset him more than I thought.  Kyle isn't really the type to show feelings, so sometimes it's hard to know if he really cares.  When he got upset, I realized that our friendship (which is the only steady one in his life) meant as much to him as it did to me.  It was a hard realization, because I wasn't sure if I wanted it to continue.

I laid it all out for him, being entirely honest about my ambivalence about our friendship and we talked all day about it.  The next day, I told him that I didn't want to make any decisions while I was so stressed out about school.  We agreed to continue talking as calmly as possible and let things play out in my mind.

I still don't know what I want to do.  No fights have happened since this, and our friendship actually seems okay...but we'll see.  Some days, I don't want to talk to him at all, and others, everything is okay.  I still don't know if we'll be friends tomorrow, much less in the future.  But honestly, I am content with the status quo for right now.  He's started confiding in me again, so I know he's not happy with her.  It's only a matter of time before they break up...and time will also tell if I'm there for him when it happens.

I'm sorry that this was a really long post to basically say that nothing has changed, but I figured you guys would be interested in his changing attitude toward his relationship.

All my love!

5 comments: said...

Idk if i left a comment on your school post and you didn't get it/post it or if i was dreaming that i left a comment when i read it friday lol.

You will be there if they broke up, you know you will but i have very serious doubts that they will actually break up. If he was even close he would not have her up there so much. He would come up with reasons/excuses that was not a good weekend and stick with it no matter what she said.

I guess will see how it plays out. I am waiting on the trish one mostly lol.

mum said...

Not being judgmental, just trying to get a read, so please don't take this wrong, it is coming from a place of concern.

IMO, you are an enabler with Kyle. You are in the midst of a terrible cycle. You need to cut him off so he will be forced to deal with crazy once and for all. It kind of sucks that you had this epiphany about how much your friendship means to him, because now you feel even more responsible for him and he can continue to go on as usual. You are not his mother. You are his friend. That relationship should be give and take.

I am like you. You have a soft heart and always want to help someone in need. It sounds like Kyle needs to start helping himself. Continually being there for him as you have been is not helping him move forward. Harsh, but true.

Again, I hope you receive this in the way intended. Take care. mum

J said...

Unfortunately, if you knew Kyle, you'd know that wasn't true. He has no backbone when it comes to her...he is so afraid of triggering a severe mood swing and having her scream at him that he can't say no to her at all. I don't blame him, to be totally honest...I was the same way with her.

Her bipolar disorder means that she snaps over everything and nothing. I never said no to her...I backed down every time we fought up until the very last time. It was NEVER her fault. If you ever insinuated that something was her fault, she had a meltdown. But anyway, you don't say no to Lora...if you do, you pay for it.

He's just trying to keep things as painless for himself as possible until this all blows over. They're nearing a year (in March), and Lora's relationships don't last longer than that.

Interesting sign: a mutual friend I met in Kyle's class is friends with him on Facebook, and she asked me the other day if they broke up. Apparently, his Facebook relationship status no longer says her name.


J said...

Oh, also, I don't have any comments awaiting if you commented, it didn't come through. Blogger has been acting up lately, so it might just be them!


J said...

mum, your comment didn't come through until after I replied to sweet. I know I'm enabling Kyle...but when it comes to the give and take, it's pretty even between us. I didn't talk about all the support he gives me because the post would've been a mile long. He's the one who talks me into doing things I don't believe I can, like minoring in chemistry.

I'm now doing everything I can to avoid discussing her and giving him advice on the situation. He doesn't listen to me anyway, and I'm tired of beating my head against a wall when it comes to it. I keep our friendship strictly on certain approved, video games, books, food...honestly, any topic except She Who Must Not Be Named.

I can't stop trying to help until someone does something seriously drastic to no longer deserve my guys saw what I went through with Lora. It's my fatal flaw. Until he completely destroys our friendship, I can't stop trying to help him.